The annoying thing about going out in public is having to deal with all of the people who are incompetent and stupid and make me want to peel my skin off with a seafood fork. Like, okay, so there’s a Barnes and Noble near my apartment and I basically live there because they provide free wifi and access to an unlimited supply of iced tea, but the people who work there? Totally the D team of Starbucks employees. To the point where I sometimes want to leap over the counter and pour the fucking tea in the fucking cup myself, because, um, HOW HARD IS IT TO REMOVE A PITCHER OF TEA FROM THE FRIDGE AND POUR IT IN A CUP WITH ICE IN UNDER TWENTY MINUTES AND NO I DON’T WANT A MULTI-GRAIN BAGEL BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING MULTI-GRAIN BAGELS HAVE RAISINS IN THEM AND I HATE RAISINS AND I’M STILL TRAUMATIZED FROM THE LAST TIME.

Which is to say that I’m pretty sure I need to just stop what I’m doing with my life and focus instead on total world domination and the mass elimination of situations that make me stabby. Like calling customer service. And taking the number 30 bus where people think it’s totally cool to hold raw chicken in their hands while sitting next to me. And basically anything that has to do with the San Francisco Department of Parking and Traffic.

Hmm, you know, the more I think about world domination (and the more wine I drink while thinking about world domination), the better this plan seems. Although the downside of the plan is that I’m actually pretty lazy and would much prefer to lay around the apartment and eat mac and cheese and watch The West Wing than do anything that actually furthers my taking over the world and before you judge me, how about you try watching The West Wing for 7+ hours straight and tell me you don’t walk away with the world’s biggest political boner.

God, and speaking of politics and being unnecessarily turned on, I’ve been reading this memoir called Government Girl about a chick who started working in the Clinton White House when she was like eighteen and it’s so badass and reading it makes me furious that I didn’t go to college in DC because I never got to answer George Stephanopoulos’ fan mail and flirt with Rahm Emanuel and stand on a Japanese balcony hugging President Clinton and, wait, it’s suddenly completely clear that I can’t go anywhere near the damn White House because politics make me wet and hugging Bill Clinton on a balcony would clearly end with my sharing a room in whore rehab with Monica Lewinski.

So, new plan: I’m going to befriend the author of that book, Stacy Parker Aab, and get her to convince her political connections to blow me, because I think being on the other side of the damn scandal would be so much better for my reputation because people will be all “Why should we give YOU control of the world?” and I’ll be like, “Um, because Obama went down on me” and they’ll be all, “Daaaamn girl” and I’ll be like, “Yep, keys to the world and a brownie, stat” and they’ll do it and my mom will be so proud that she’ll forget that this is the second post in a row that pretty much revolves around oral sex and that the last post was actually linked on a PORN SITE under the heading “related blogs on oral” that’s right next to a picture of a chick licking a lollipop and and and FINE I’ll totally link you to it but if you get fired from your job for clicking a link that basically opens to a slideshow of vagina, don’t come begging Stacy and I for a position in our Cabinet of World Domination. Unless you have a totally legit bribe. Like a puppy and a Tempur-Pedic mattress and a basket of raisin-less mini muffins.