When I first moved here, one of my blog readers immediately forwarded me a list of 60 Super Sexy Things To Do in San Francisco. Because I’m sexy. Or, well, I don’t know why else. So yeah, let’s go with the sexy thing.
When I first got the email, I thought, “You know, my blog readers really are the best of the best.” You bitches and dude bitches are always looking out for me and keeping me up to date by sending me fun links and hilarious links and dirty links. And horrifying links. Man, I’ve gotten a lot of horrifying links.
Like, did you know that there’s a website that sells dildos in the shape of animal penises? You can just click on over to the category of “unnatural dildos & dongs” and buy a full size canine penis, or a whale penis, or an 18.5 inch horse penis (I KNOW RIGHT??), or, wait for it, a WOLF PENIS. Let’s not discuss the amount of time I’ve spent on this website. Let’s also not discuss the people who are actually buying these dildos. Actually no, let’s do discuss them.
One reviewer of the wolf penis dildo exclaims, “Okay, I always wanted to see a wolf’s penis and have sex with one. I’m crazy, so I bought this wolf penis dildo. I just got it a week ago and I held it in my hand saying OMG I’m holding a wolf penis. HeHe I lubed it up and shoved it in my ass and when I got to the knot I had to sit on it to get it in. Soon as it popped in it felt so amazing. I leave it in my ass for an hour and sometimes ram it in and out. OMG, It’s amazing and it’s in my ass as I write this. I love wolves penis.”
Please tell me this sort of makes you want to die. Just a little bit. Just enough so that you never have to think about this ever again ever. Yeah, me too. I’m sorry I shared this with you, I really am. But also I’m not, because at least now I don’t have to suffer through this all by myself anymore. I know, I’m selfish. But maybe the review is a joke? Maybe no one has ever purchased this item and someone is actually just sick enough to write fake reviews for stuff like this all over the internet.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the 60 sexy things list. Luckily, animal sex isn’t on the list. Wait, hang on, it’s San Francisco, let me double check.
Nope, we’re good.
So, item number eight on the list is to dine in the dark at Opaque, a restaurant where you eat a multi-course meal in straight up pitch black darkness. I’ve always wanted to do this, and by “always” I mean “ever since I read about how Chelsea Handler did it and if you know me you know I’m obsessed with Chelsea Handler in a probably not okay way and so dining in the dark at Opaque is number 125 on my Life List because maybe if I do everything that Chelsea does she’ll be my friend.”
(I get creepier every day, huh?)
Despite the fact that my only draw to this dinner was a head full of Chelsea Handler fantasies, it was actually incredible. Definitely a 39 on an awesome scale from 3-17. It was also a learning experience of sorts. For example, I learned that I’ve never been in pitch black eyes-don’t-ever-adjust dark before. And I learned that buttering bread in this kind of dark makes you feel like an idiot. And I learned that being blind would suck. And that food tastes different when you can’t see it. And that you absolutely can’t go to an in the pitch black eyes-don’t-ever-adjust dark event with someone you aren’t comfortable touching. Not touching touching. Well, maybe. It’s certainly dark enough. Not that I did that. This isn’t that kind of story.
See Mom?! THIS FINALLY ISN’T THAT KIND OF STORY.
Unless Chelsea wants it to be.
HI CHELSEA
Posted in: babeland sponsorship, love & naked stuff, san francisco, wtf?!
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
She's equally obsessed with you. Why else would her MySpace suddenly say she's got a show in San Francisco scheduled for Monday?
"I always wanted to see a wolf’s penis and have sex with one."
Um. WHAT?
But! But! I'm writing about penis instead of vagina JUST FOR YOU. So… we're even?
Whoever reviewed that wolf penis has obviously watched the movie Teen Wolf one too many times.
chelsea's new book, chapter 1.. best chapter i've ever read in a book…. EVER
It's my understanding that most of the wait staff at Opaque is blind.
How did you find the butter on the table? Did you end up sticking your finger in it?
I had friends who did this when they were out there for vacation. They loved it. They said they sat next to famous people… obviously not because they saw them, but their waiter said Justin Timberlake was at the next table. Sounds superfun, though…
I hope you're talking about the animal penis thing. JT's always on the cutting edge.
jesus christ I'm at work so I didn't click that animal dildo website link but dear god why does such a thing exist. please tell me that reviewer is joking. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING.
My eyes were never virginal, but compared to that person, they were. Now they are bleeding.
I've heard about a few different incarnations of Opaque. Some are run completely by blind people, others wear night-vision goggles like a server-commando. There's a museum in Frankfurt that simulates the experience of being blind and tests your vision, taste, touch and hearing. Kinda cool. Kinda creepy.
I love wolves penis
ps
lyndsir: Who knew someone crazier about wolves than me
me: guess who found your birthday present!?
lyndsir: Finally a good present for once
I DID THAT. Dined in the dark, I mean–not rammed a wolf penis in my bunghole.
It was in Amsterdam (used to live there) at an establishment called "c Taste" and it was a very cool experience that I kindof enjoyed in the moment but it sortof made me anxious and even though it was fun, I don't know if I'd do it again.
It was CRAZY not being able to even see my hand in front of my face. And the people talking (in Dutch) all around me sounded MUCH louder than they should have. Maybe my hearing was heightened or maybe people just talk louder when they can't see… the world may never know.
We didn't get to choose our meal, which was okay, because I'm an adventurous eater (I tried vagina once). It was exciting trying to guess what everything was.
My friend and I played "find the knife" where we'd place the knife somewhere on the able and the object of the game was to…………. yeah, I think you get it. You're probably thinking about how that could have ended tragically, but it was just a butter knife.
Now that I think about it, maybe I WOULD do it again. But not often. Because of the anxiety. It's just kinda crazy sitting in complete darkness for so long. And you can't talk about people because you don't know what kind of atrocious outfit they've got on.
"…because I'm an adventurous eater (I tried vagina once)"
Most nonchalantly awesome comment of the century.
In Montreal we have the same thing but it's called NOIR. (Get it? That's French for black. Must've taken them DAYS to come up with that one). But then there was that episode of CSI where this girl, or a dude, I can't remember, gets killed in the close-your-eyes restaurant. So I can never go there. Plus, it's in a sketchy part of town.
I mean, yeah, I'm really glad I didn't know about the CSI thing before I went. Although, when I told my mom I was on my way to a dinner in the dark she goes, "Please don't get stabbed" and I was all, "Um, okay…?"
Maybe my mom watches CSI. Or is paranoid. Or secretly lives in Montreal.
Question. How do the waiters navigate through a pitch black restaurant? Honest question.
Aaannd… as a side note… I wonder what Obama thinks about having his face on a dildo.
Answer: all of the waitstaff are blind or visually impaired.
Aaannd… I KNOW RIGHT?!
I blame Twilight for all Wolf fantasies.
I'm only a man.
It's not enough anymore.
Nicole, you're mean, getting that picture in our head, we can't undo it afterwards!!!
Do you think they have see-in-the-dark cameras and people are enjoying the show in the back?
Lindsay: Have you ever been to NOIR? I always wanted to try it but never been yet.
You should probably take Lindsay there and report back.
I have never been.
The truth: I’m a bit of a restaurant snob (that’s what dating a chef will do to you. Damn him!) and I think eating in the dark would just make me feel claustrophobic.
I seriously can't read your blog at work. I end up getting in trouble for laughing really loud.
Also, I promise if I end up being a success tv/movie writer and I get to go on the Chelsea Handler show I'll bring you because you love her as much as I do.
FACT.
First of all, I love SF and I am so jealous that you get to actually LIVE there! I looked at the 60 Sexy Things list so that I could live vicariously through you, and I must tell you to go to Asia SF, if you haven't been. Seriously, the most realistic drag queens (who are much hotter than this regular girl ever hoped to be), doing a crazy drag show, and bartenders pushing pink drinks at you all night and causing you to be super drunk on the wrong San Francisco bus and ending up outside some random post office while still super drunk! But that's another story. Check it out though – it's amazing.
I couldn't find this item on your wishlist…
I really want to dine in the dark now! Which sounds so crazy! But I guess I am! and I apparently like using exclamation points!
Wolf penis? Hell no.
There's a 'in the dark' restaurant in Toronto and now Vancouver too apparently. I'm not sure I'm going to jump on this trendy train but it would definitely be interesting!
http://www.margaritareczek.com
Nope not for me…no siree bob.
I hate touching.
(you thought I was talking about wolf penis)
Okay, not only do you have to SHOW ME THE WOLF PENIS in the comfort of our home, MY SAFE PLACE, but you now blog about it!?
At some point Nicole, are we going to have a little talk about how I WANT NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH BESTIALITY!?
I just feel like I don't need to ever STATE THAT.
Holy hell I’m adding that restaurant to my life list.
And the wolf thing…? Seriously, people are freaks.
Holy hell I’m adding Opaque to my life list.
And the wolf thing…? Seriously, people are freaks.
okay what the eff was that review of the wolf penis. that is just all sorts of nuts (ba dum ching).
and i don't know that i'd be able to do that dinning in the dark ever since they did an episode about it on csi:, i'm permanently scarred.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with being in total stalker mode to Chelsea Handler. She's like a god, only better, because she doesn't have to be all godly and stuff.
And you've really got me wanting to go to San Fran and to Opaque. On my list of things to do now, that's definitely number five… I've got a short list and a short attention span of…
they told me my review would be private…
and dining in the dark would do me in. i have such an extreme phobia of the lights going out. i'm rather charming in the dark with all the hyperventilating and screaming.
ew wolf penis that is so gross! but i'm glad you put it up, cuz i would have never gone to that sight, and therefore never would have read it if not for you!
ohhhh wowsa. I just sent out that website to all of my friends. I'm hoping someone will buy me a wolf penis… I won't use it or anything I'll just put it on my wall.
I have an obsession with Chelsea too. I'll probably have sex with a midget one of these days just to be like her…
chelsea handler really loves me. and why shouldn't she? that's my motherfucking wolf testimonial.
I have thought about this dinner in the dark, but I am terrified of what would happen if I'd have to pee.
I absolutely had to pee in the middle of dinner. You just tell your waiter and they walk you to the bathroom. Kind of like kindergarten. Blind kindergarten. But not totally blind because there are lights in the bathroom.
Did the reviewer really need to point out that they are crazy? I mean, they're buying a wolf penis dildo AND reviewing it on the interwebs. Also, since I want to be like you and you want to be like Chelsea, I'm going to have to visit Opaque.
So I am still waking up in the middle of the night after dreams of bizarre sea creatures and then I find long unending questions popping up in my head about that section of the site. Like: exactly how does a giant whale or horse dick get delivered to your home (and because it just can't seem to be said enough WHY?!)? I mean, how exactly does the UPS guy (or chick) lug that thing around all day? What happens when they get to your door? Aren't they like "Holy fuck this is a huge package (…totally unintended)? What the hell is it?" Then they ring your door bell and your all "It's a …a…fishing rod…for catching whales…NO, NO not whales! It has nothing to do with whales!…barracuda…that's a fish right? Cause it sounds kind of dirty? Um…*signs for delivery, slams door*
For some reason I have the overwhelming urge to find someone who will throw on a whale (shark) costume, run door to door with that thing, ring the bell, yell "Candy Gram!" and whip it out.
Oh and yeah…it's official I now have Clifford induced PTSD. My shrink is gonna love this!
"When I'm older, I'm totally gonna go into a restaurant and fuck with the people who serve me the food. I'll just be like, 'I don't like this.' And the waiter will say, 'Well what's wrong with it, sir?' And I'll say I just don't like it. This will happen a few more times until I get frustrated and say, 'Fine. It tastes like wolf pussy, ok!!!!!!'' Then he'll go back to the chef and be like that old man didn't like the food. And the chef will say why and he'll answer that I said it tasted like wolf pussy. And then the chef will say how does he know?!?!?!?!?" – Nick Swardson
I had to share this after reading about wolf penis.
Why would I need a dildo when I can just get the real thing, kill it, and take it to the taxidermist?
Too far?
God I fucking love you.
That reviewer just entered a whole new level of wrong. Butthole jamming a wolf penis? No. Just … no. On the other hand, I laughed way too hard at this. My co-workers hate me. On the other hand, I really want to try this whole dining in the dark thing, it sounds pretty interesting. Although I would probably cut my finger off instead of my food, but I digress …
Okay that was the WEIRDEST thing I've ever heard, some person wanting to have sex with a wolf's penis and leaving the wolf penis dildo in her ass for periods of time. Omg, that made me want to die and laugh. I couldn't even laugh, sooo traumatized.
Not sure what to say to this. I guess whatever makes you happy…right?… Also, as soon as you started talking about Opaque I decided I wanted to kind of recreate the restaurant idea at my own place but realized two (well, maybe three) things:
1. The invitation would probably sound something like this: "Hey [lovely female], you want to come to my apartment on Friday and have dinner in complete darkness? It sounds kind of sketchy but someone on the internet told me about a restaurant in SF that's kind of like that. She also talks about animal-part dildos. Anyway, dinner?"
2. Since that wouldn't go over well, I'd have to do it alone, in which case all I would have to do is make dinner and turn off the lights. That's called not having friends.
3. I'll probably do both of those.
I LOVE that your posts can go from "Ohmigod that is disgusting *gag gag gag*" to "Wow. That sounds really cool and I'd like to try it."
To clarify- the disgusting part was the anal wolf penis sex. And the cool part was the dinner at Opaque. What. I don't want people to think that I am one of the animal penis reviewing sickos.
Ok, that review HAS to be a joke. It just has to. It's not real *plugs ears and sings loudly*. Second, Zurich has one of those restaurants and I totally want to go there. The waiters are blind.
I'm assuming that if you're interested in the wolf penis dildo, that it's also safe to say you're pretty much 'Team Jacob.'
well, naturally I thought of you when I saw this. Check it:http://consumerist.com/2010/04/once-you-understan…
I would have never in a million years thought of animal peni toys! HOLY CRAP there's a whole world out there I never knew about before – Thanks girl!
I've been curious about the whole eating in the dark thing – that is literally one of my favorite chapters in Chelsea's book. Creepy indeed. But worth trying for the sake of saying you did – well done, girl.
No need to go to Opaque for me. I'll be dining in the dark forever now. After seeing wolf penis dildos I promptly tore out my eyes. Thank you.
This a test vagina.
LOL. Don’t feel bad; I frequently day dream about being the best of pals with Chelsea Handler. I think I’d have a better chance if I were a little person though. Damn my excessive height!
If we don’t see pics the pitch black darkness didn’t happen!
I AM TRAUMATIZED.
By the wolf penis part, not the eating in the dark part. That sounds actually kind of interesting. I would fail miserably but at least hey it’s dark so no one could see that you’ve spilled your entire dinner on yourself, right? Right.
I just…I have no words
Although that restaurant sounds fantastic and challenging
i’ve heard of opaque, but haven’t been yet! it’s nice that they take on that whole dining in the dark permanently. for awhile, some groups would host these parties maybe just once every month or several months.
Coit TowerCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH.
Wolf Penis = awesome metal band. Make it happen.
Just found your site through Mental Poo. Love it! Very funny!
Off to check out the 60 Sexy Things in SF, and the animal penises, well, ’cause NOW I JUST GOTTA KNOW. Um, thanks?
Chelsea rules. I think she should talk about the wolf penis thing on her show because now that I have this image in my head, I need a lot of humor to fix it.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
OH WHY DID I LOOK AT THAT LINK?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! LOL
unless chelsea wants it to be..
HI CHELSEA.
hahahahhaha. i just laughed out loud.
thank you for making my friday.
You need to see this website: http://www.bad-dragon.com/toys
I was just about to note that website myself. xD
I came across a picture with them advertised on a Paris buss. Not exactly unexpected of Paris, but still different.