When I was packing up my car to move to San Francisco, my mother and I had a little incident regarding the white bowls.
The thing about the white bowls is that I absolutely fucking love them. They’re soup bowls, white with a little blue rim, and no one has a clue where they came from because there are only two of them and they don’t match any of her other dishes and they’re cheap, CorningWare I think, but they’re microwave safe and big enough for me to eat giant portions of tomato soup out of and so, of course, I put them in my suitcase and tried to steal them. But my mother is a goddamn ninja and she found them and took them out. So I put them back. And she took them out. Which happened for the better part of 10 hours before either one of us ever brought it up.
The bottom line here is that I don’t have the damn bowls because she’s selfish and now that I’m sick and want to mainline tomato soup I’m incredibly depressed about being forced to use my regular bowls.
The being sick happens a lot, unfortunately, because I have a horrible immune system. Like, horrible. Like, I get strep a few times a year and I’m sick always and if people who are sick even wink at me, I totally catch whatever the whatever they have. So if you’re sick and in the greater San Francisco area, please stop winking at me. Also, winking is weird and most guys can’t pull it off anyway so maybe to be on the safe side let’s just have a new general rule that you stop winking at me period.
Anyway, so I’ve had a sore throat for like a week and a half. Not a little bit sore, but really ridiculously sore and it’s less of a tonsil thing and more of an actual throat thing and while I wasn’t concerned before, I’m totally starting to get concerned because aren’t you supposed to see a doctor if a sore throat is sore for more than a few days? I think those are the rules. But, um, I don’t have fucking fuck fuck health insurance and doctors aren’t free and I just moved to this damn city and don’t even have a doctor so instead I started asking a friend what *she* thought the deal was with my sore throat and she’s all, “Maybe you have a throat STD” and I’m like, “Okay seriously? That’s anti-helpful” but of course I started researching it and I’m about ready to hurl myself off of a building because apparently there’s a strong link between oral sex and THROAT CANCER and OH MY GOD WHAT IF I HAVE THROAT CANCER??
Which is to say that if you’re a doctor and you read this blog you should probably make a house call and inspect my throat because if I have a sore throat AND I only have my regular bowls AND I have cancer AND I have to stop giving blowjobs, I’m going to be real fucking pissed.
Posted in: i heart my crazy mother, wtf?!
{ 83 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not quite sure how I stumbled upon you twitter and subsequentially your blog, however I want to tell you that you’re hillarious. I fucking love you. That is all.
That's pretty wonderful to hear, especially as I die of potential throat cancer. Many thanks Brian.
i love how this guy is all i just like, stumbled onto your blog and OMG i fucking love you. total winner.
also, go to the doctor.
also, i have nothing really to say here, i just came over to masturbate to this gorgeous fucking blog design.
the end.
FUCKING FUCK FUCK CORPORATE HEALTH INSURANCE!
And, I KNEW IT WAS THE BLOW JOBS!
But, for real. We need to go to the doctor for you right now. Because now I'm worried. And I might need to have corporate masturbation time before we go, because otherwise I might be too stressed at the fuck fuck doctor.
The fuck fuck doctor? You sound a lot like Nicole!
Because she's my roommate/business partner/we spend all our time together and she's actually the one who *started* saying fucking fuck fuck and and and the end.
Ah, great! Thanks for keeping Nicole safe!
…wait, you two are Roommates? How did I miss *THAT* nugget of trivia.
(Read: How fast can I get to San Fran)
What she said.
At least the first part.
I know nothing of, and plea innocence from, everything that follows.
Honest.
I knew a guy once that had Clamydia throat…(I did not know him intimately thank you very much)
I am not a Dr…but you could try Planned Parenthood and ask if you have the clap in your mouth…or just give someone you hate a blowjob..hee hee that would be awesome.
Please, for the love of God, go to Planned Parenthood and ask if you have the clap in your mouth.
Please.
This may be of interest to you
http://www.healthysanfrancisco.org/
Please don't die!
San Francisco is awesome because it has places like these where you can get health care FREE!!
Haight Ashbury Free Clinics
http://www.hafci.org/healthcare.html
San Francisco Free Clinic
http://www.sffc.org/Services.html
Also, a little bird told me that if you really need medical care desperately, Emergency Rooms never turn people away. Some people even give a fake name and/or change the last four digits of their social to avoid super high hospital bills.
Um ok, Nicole. If you die, then I may as well hurl myself off of the same building, because what would I read that has the entertainment value of this site?
Health Insurance blows donkey dick.
Wait…you didn't happen to do THAT did you? Because that would explain the sore throat.
There are cheap clinics that are actually really awesome, called QuickHealth. There's one in the Mission. It's around $60 for a doctor visit. http://www.quickhealth.com/. Much less of a shitshow than trying to go to one of the Free Clinics.
Hi, btw. I've been reading your blog recently once I noticed you just moved to SF. Welcome!
Talking about a FUCK YOU WOMAN moment — first we have to give the blow job and THEN we get throat cancer because of it. OF COURSE WE GET PUNISHED FOR BEING AWESOME AND GENEROUS.
Shouldn't all men be blind by now from too much masturbation? WHY CAN'T THAT BE TRUE?
Did you read my post yesterday? Because I wrote about that.
The thing with you and your mum and your bowls makes me think of when Rachel was moving out in "Friends" and her and Monica kept stealing candlesticks off each other.
I can bring ANYTHING back to "Friends". Sorry…
I bet once your mom reads this and realizes her daughter may have throat cancer and may be in danger of never putting a penis in or around her mouth again, she is gonna feel real bad for you not having those bowls
I can pull off a wink…
I can't, I've just been trying and people are looking at me funny.
Today, every male that reads this blog has made a point to go to a public place and wink at every girl he sees. Look what you've done, Clap Mouth.
You've made everyone think we men are Cum Eyed.
Great! Now I'm paranoid about throat cancer/throat stds too. I'm sorry you don't feel well… I'm in the same boat, without the health insurance. I have to go to those little clinics all the time. After I saw the title, for some reason (because I'm a little slow) I read "bowl" as "Bowel" and nearly freaked out. I heard a story the other day about this kid who had a white "bowel movement" at a slumber party and freaked out and everyone looked and what not.
Blame it on the rain. All of my misfortune the past two weeks has been a lingering effect from the fuckin' monsoon.
Also, feel better.
Also, hi "neighbor!" *waves*
Hahahahaha omg, I'm SO sorry for planting the throat-STD seed, especially because after I said that I did the EXACT SAME THING THAT YOU DID and found that throat-cancer-dick-sucking correlation but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to freak you out!!! I should have known you would be googling this yourself. They're saying 'oral sex does not equal safe sex.' Well what the hell are we supposed to do? Use a dental dam? Make them put on a condom?? Gross! I certainly don't want to suck on a lube-y ribbed Trojan. That pretty much defeats the purpose.
Maybe it's just mono. Or a viral infection. Or maybe it really is cancer. Slash don't ever listen to me about these things ever! It's not cancer! You just need to get a Situational Boyfriend who is also a doctor and has big balls. I mean bowls. Haha I love you get better NOW.
Awe man… Go to the Doctor! Eek!
have you seen dr. ricola yet? he's fabulous. usually works wonders on my sore throats. man that sounds weird.
I'm healthy and winking at you from CO. Does that help?
Ha! You have the best comments.
Oh no!!! A life without oral sex? I can't even imagine it… You need a doctor ASAP.
Wait. Hold the penis phone. You WANT to give blowjobs? What is wrong w you? You have a college degree right? That’s when that shit ENDS. You my friend are a lucky whore.
So oral sex = throat cancer. So does that mean I should stop giving girls oral?
Hope you feel better soon.
Fucking google. Seriously, we need to stop self-diagnosing ourselves or google needs to stop posting these inane things. I found these weird bruises on the back of my thighs and apparently that can be cancer too. YAY! Or a bad liver. Awesome.
I had a sore throat for a whole month once, and never went to the doctor even though they're free here (i'm in canada 
) and I was fine
This is precisely why we need universal health care in this country. We should not have to sit around worrying that we have throat cancer because we can't afford to have a doctor ease our worries.
Good Lord!
You'r in real trouble if you don't get that blowjob cancer sorted out.
Because, I don't think that even Oprah would have a charity drive for that.
Unless she would, but then you would have to go on Oprah and become, the "Face of Blowjob Cancer" and I don't actually know your Mum, but I would imagine that she has higher hopes for her daughter than becoming "Miss Blowjob Cancer 2010".
However she would then be so distressed that she might give you the white soup bowls. So really it's a no lose situation. You either get your sore throat fixed, OR,
you get to be Miss BJC 2010 and get soup bowls!!
Win.
Also – you're awesome. Fact.
omg information overload with google, it will just screw you over completely with all that scary throat cancer information
please see a doctor, particularly one that will not wink at you (god forbid how much germs he/she gets exposed to, you would die). it would suck if you were not around anymore because youre that awesome.
and while youre out making a trip to get cured, go get some new soup bowls, im sure there are way better bowls than the ones your mom has. take that nicole's mom!
Blow jobs give you throat cancer? Fucking hell. I'm boned.
Not sure how I stumbled onto your site, but I'm glad I did. This was hilarious!
1. Don't spread this anti-blowjob propoganda. It's just mean and reckless.
2. If you have to stop giving blowjobs, I"m gonna be pissed too! Which would seem to imply you've given me one, which, of course, you haven't. In fact, I don't even know you, so who knows if I'd even want on from you…but I'd like to know the possibility is still there, ya know?
I don't know, but I'm pretty sure you just propositioned me for oral sex.
total bummer about the bowls…and the other…stuff…my roomie had a really bad infection something last weekend and she went to our urgent/emergy- care place and you have to wait and don't make appointments and i dont know what their deal is with insurance though…but she got checked up for $15 and was given a prescription so she had to pay for the prescription…but do they have places like that in SF? so anyway…good luck, i hope you find bowls and get better and dont get cancer!!!
I have bowls that sound similar. I registered for them at Crate & Barrel, and they are the Epoch Blueline bowls. I'm pretty sure they ward off cancer**, so I hope you find some! **Evidence is purely anecdotal. We've used them for almost 11 years, and we've never gotten cancer. Your results may vary.
Your mom sounds hot!
I feel like I get sick a lot too…far to often for someone who lives in "sunny San Diego." WTF, I thought when I left the Midwest, I left all that below zero, freezing cold shit behind. Also, as I read your post, I could swear I was getting a sore throat! No worse than your winking phenomen, I'm getting sick from READING about it! Fuck!
P.S. You are totally right.. almost NO guy can pull off winking.
P.P.S. Oh yeah, I hope you feel better soon.
I like how your readership seems to love giving blowjobs.
Fun fact: you can buy those damn bowls at Wal*Mart. My mother is fucking obsessed.
San Francisco has free health care, but do they have a Wal*Mart for you to buy amazing bowls at? Probably not.
Also, I have a new excuse for not giving head. Thanks.
Yeah, throat cancer will not be an issue for me. Because I'm married. Hey-yo!!!
As someone whose seen far more STDs than anyone should ever have to, I can tell you that if it were one you would know.
Relax, it’s probably just cancer.
There have got to be PrimaCare or CareNow or other such options in San Francisco. I've been uninsured for most of my "adult" life (HA) but I still manage to see a doctor for not too terribly much when I really need to.
Good luck! Hope you feel better!
think I found your bowls?
http://www.acehardwareoutlet.com/%28x4tgai452z0m5…
DO NOT go to the Haight Street free clinic.
The dirty hippies will douse you in Patchouli and give you STD's you never dreamed possible.
Note to self: Stop hanging out at the free clinic.
Is strep the same as mono? Because I’ve got THAT right now and it’s pretty much worse than I imagine throat cancer to be. FINE.. maybe not worse than throat cancer, but it’s pretty fucking evil.
Aren’t there free clinics around? Or has Reality Bites and Felicity taught me nothing about America?
every single time i get a sore throat i assume it's because of a blow job and that really makes me freak out. i get some sort of vision that my throat will turn white and pussy and close up and i'll be on oprah for the show about "see what giving too many blow jobs can do to you? keep your lips closed. all of them."
sorry i know that didn't help at all.
Having to stop giving blow jobs? Most girls consider that a gift…
I think you're a keeper!
Also, start taking vitamin C everyday, I recommend 500 mg daily. I've been taking it every day since I moved out of my parents house (about 5 years ago) and I only got sick 1 time in 5 years, and that was the flu, which is viral, so you can't prevent it anyways…
WebMD is my mortal enemy. I had to go see a GI specialist for some stabby-like abdominal pain…he gave me a list of not-so-bad sounding things that are probably causing the pains. However, about 20 minutes on WebMD and I'm pretty sure he missed telling me that it's either end-stage pancriatic cancer, some kind of tropical flesh-eating virus, liver failure…oh, so many things to worry about.
Oh, and if there's a Crate & Barrel around you, go look for their "restarant-style" bowls. I bought some a few weeks ago and they're AMAZING for soup and pasta AND they're only about $8 (which is, like, free in Crate & Barrel pricing).
So have you ever had a problemwith acid reflex? If so your fabulous tomato soup may be contributing to your problem (any citrus fruits have a high acid content). Is your throat swollen? Usually if you have bacterial problem (i.e. STD, Strep, etc) your tonsils would be swollen. Not sure about the Blow jobs= throat Cancer. I believe the link there is typically tied to HPV virus, which the majority (8 out of 10 women) of people have,the statistics for men is relatively unknown since they don't get a yearly test like the PAP smear, and usually they are carriers… Go to your local health department, usually the cost is less than a private doctor and usually they will test for possible STDs as well. Good Luck.
ROTFLMAO! That is the first time I have ever used that LOLSPEAK! I am pretty sure that is also the first time I have ever used LOLSPEAK in a sentence as well. This is just another winner from you, you lovable cancer-stricken, bowl-less wonder! Not only is the post funny, but the subsequent comments it generated and will generate are, too:D Okay, anyway from what I remember SF had great free or low cost government care. Of course, it has been at least a decade since my last visit there and I was under 21 when I went to the clinic or whatever that was. Speaking of which, "whatever the whatever" is my second favorite phrase from you next to "eleventy" and "leggings as pants" which I find myself saying more and more of. Also, FYI a doctor making house calls to inspect your throat sounds like the plot of a porno…
That would just be the saddest thing ever, you can't stop blowing . . . cause then how do we any?
Hope the throat feels better, it's probably just strep. I have the luxury of the horrible, awful immune system as well. Right now I'm fighting a virus from a shot that gives me chest pains and throat closing panic. Sympathy for you, i know it's not fun.
Yipes! Did you think about going to Walgreens or CVS pharmacy? They have "Minute Clinics" where you can see a nurse-practitioner and they can prescribe antibiotics and such. Still a little pricey but not NEARLY so bad as a doctor visit without insurance. (Voice of experience here…)
Feel better!
"That’s anti-helpful" may be a new favorite line. AND I'm convinced that EVERY sick feeling you have, if looked up online, leads to YOU HAVE AN STD. Which is why I don't do it because I don't need help with paranoia.
I'm so excited to wink at you when I eventually meet you. Surprise! You've got a sinus infection!
I'm so excited to wink back. Surprise! You're got throat cancer!
I feel your pain. This happens to me all the time. The getting sick and being so broke I can't go to the doctor to get it fixed… not the soup bowl stuff. When all else fails, just heat the can up on the stove and drink directly from it…
Bummer about the blowjobs.
Please don't have cancer.
My cyst says hello. I haven't named it yet.
Surely the solution/compromise is simple. Find yourself a blow-job victim that has tomato soup for spunk. Simple.
I really hope you don't have throat cancer. That would suck.
I have never seen so many blow job hungry women on one blog!
And, clearly, the first sentence could ALSO go "The thing about [giving blow jobs] is that I absolutely fucking love them."
the [sexy] end
Dude do they have minute clinics at like a CVS in SF? That would be the best and cheapest way to go sans insurance. And they can help with common things like sore throats. Love your face.
This comment has nothing to do with your post….
I thought that the title of your post said white BOWELS, and it reminded me of this kid I had in my class that had WHITE POOP. Yup.
bahahahaha i just laughed out loud. Sometimes, dick is not good for you. You don't want gonorrhea in the throat. I watched a show about it…and its NOT good!
I think this obvious solution would have been for you to each get a bowl and then you both would have won.
If I wink at you with my healthy self, perhaps I can pass along my good health to you. And then I would be a miracle worker and when I die someday they will be forced to make me a saint. Even though I probably don't qualify on many other grounds. But it's hard to argue with miracles.
I forgot where I was going with this. One time I had a really bad sore throat and the student death center at my college told me I had mono and to suck it up and deal with it. It was unpleasant and I was peeved. Especially because I didn't have mono and couldn't eat for a week because it hurt SO BAD. and then it went away. and then CAME BACK. and they gave me drugs and everything was magical and wonderful.
The end.
You are a hilarious writer. Really though, I did the same thing with my mom's bowls when I moved to Milwaukee. Except instead of white they were red. And instead of bowls, they were antique lamps that she, like, never uses.
If that happens you won't be the only one who's pissed!
Dude, you're a spaz- you're meant to given blow jobs, don't worry…..that gift wont be taken from you.
Getting health insurance outside of corporate America blows. In the not good way.
Don't die–I'd miss your blog, and you, of course. Google can and does scare the crap out of me on a regular basis.
Well, if you stop giving blow jobs, you'll still be quite likely to get cancer, just not in your throat. I reckon might as well give them, and live a happy life
Well, isn't that just a kick in the teeth? Because there's research that shows women who swallow are less likely to get breast cancer…so does this mean you have to choose your cancer?
Lovelovelove you, for reals.
Also, winking seriously bothers me. So many men do it to me at work for some reason & if I weren't a professional I would throw something at their heads. Sososo damn creepy…they're always gross old guys too. It might be different if they were all James Bond about it or whatever, but it's always just some weird old dude & all I do is ask if they need any help & instead of a simple "No, I'm Ok, thanks" they're all, "No" with the creepy wink…make me want to take a shower.
I think we seriously need more girls like you in the world! You give me a clit boner. Wait…I don't have a clit. Well a theoretical boner. I don't want to be too forward.
so on an episode of degrassi: the next generation, gonorrhea of the throat hit the slutty middle schoolers. this stuck with me. and terrified me. when i was like 22 and had a sore throat i called planned parenthood to see if they thought i had it. the nurse laughed out loud, put me on hold, picked up and laughed again. she pointed out that i probably would have noticed if i put a gonorrhea'd penis in my mouth.
{ 2 trackbacks }