When I was packing up my car to move to San Francisco, my mother and I had a little incident regarding the white bowls.
The thing about the white bowls is that I absolutely fucking love them. They’re soup bowls, white with a little blue rim, and no one has a clue where they came from because there are only two of them and they don’t match any of her other dishes and they’re cheap, CorningWare I think, but they’re microwave safe and big enough for me to eat giant portions of tomato soup out of and so, of course, I put them in my suitcase and tried to steal them. But my mother is a goddamn ninja and she found them and took them out. So I put them back. And she took them out. Which happened for the better part of 10 hours before either one of us ever brought it up.
The bottom line here is that I don’t have the damn bowls because she’s selfish and now that I’m sick and want to mainline tomato soup I’m incredibly depressed about being forced to use my regular bowls.
The being sick happens a lot, unfortunately, because I have a horrible immune system. Like, horrible. Like, I get strep a few times a year and I’m sick always and if people who are sick even wink at me, I totally catch whatever the whatever they have. So if you’re sick and in the greater San Francisco area, please stop winking at me. Also, winking is weird and most guys can’t pull it off anyway so maybe to be on the safe side let’s just have a new general rule that you stop winking at me period.
Anyway, so I’ve had a sore throat for like a week and a half. Not a little bit sore, but really ridiculously sore and it’s less of a tonsil thing and more of an actual throat thing and while I wasn’t concerned before, I’m totally starting to get concerned because aren’t you supposed to see a doctor if a sore throat is sore for more than a few days? I think those are the rules. But, um, I don’t have fucking fuck fuck health insurance and doctors aren’t free and I just moved to this damn city and don’t even have a doctor so instead I started asking a friend what *she* thought the deal was with my sore throat and she’s all, “Maybe you have a throat STD” and I’m like, “Okay seriously? That’s anti-helpful” but of course I started researching it and I’m about ready to hurl myself off of a building because apparently there’s a strong link between oral sex and THROAT CANCER and OH MY GOD WHAT IF I HAVE THROAT CANCER??
Which is to say that if you’re a doctor and you read this blog you should probably make a house call and inspect my throat because if I have a sore throat AND I only have my regular bowls AND I have cancer AND I have to stop giving blowjobs, I’m going to be real fucking pissed.
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Bummer about the blowjobs.
Please don't have cancer.
My cyst says hello. I haven't named it yet.
Surely the solution/compromise is simple. Find yourself a blow-job victim that has tomato soup for spunk. Simple.
I really hope you don't have throat cancer. That would suck.
I have never seen so many blow job hungry women on one blog!
And, clearly, the first sentence could ALSO go "The thing about [giving blow jobs] is that I absolutely fucking love them."
the [sexy] end
Dude do they have minute clinics at like a CVS in SF? That would be the best and cheapest way to go sans insurance. And they can help with common things like sore throats. Love your face.
This comment has nothing to do with your post….
I thought that the title of your post said white BOWELS, and it reminded me of this kid I had in my class that had WHITE POOP. Yup.
bahahahaha i just laughed out loud. Sometimes, dick is not good for you. You don't want gonorrhea in the throat. I watched a show about it…and its NOT good!
I think this obvious solution would have been for you to each get a bowl and then you both would have won.
If I wink at you with my healthy self, perhaps I can pass along my good health to you. And then I would be a miracle worker and when I die someday they will be forced to make me a saint. Even though I probably don't qualify on many other grounds. But it's hard to argue with miracles.
I forgot where I was going with this. One time I had a really bad sore throat and the student death center at my college told me I had mono and to suck it up and deal with it. It was unpleasant and I was peeved. Especially because I didn't have mono and couldn't eat for a week because it hurt SO BAD. and then it went away. and then CAME BACK. and they gave me drugs and everything was magical and wonderful.
The end.
You are a hilarious writer. Really though, I did the same thing with my mom's bowls when I moved to Milwaukee. Except instead of white they were red. And instead of bowls, they were antique lamps that she, like, never uses.
If that happens you won't be the only one who's pissed!
Dude, you're a spaz- you're meant to given blow jobs, don't worry…..that gift wont be taken from you.
Getting health insurance outside of corporate America blows. In the not good way.
Don't die–I'd miss your blog, and you, of course. Google can and does scare the crap out of me on a regular basis.
Well, if you stop giving blow jobs, you'll still be quite likely to get cancer, just not in your throat. I reckon might as well give them, and live a happy life
Well, isn't that just a kick in the teeth? Because there's research that shows women who swallow are less likely to get breast cancer…so does this mean you have to choose your cancer?
Lovelovelove you, for reals.
Also, winking seriously bothers me. So many men do it to me at work for some reason & if I weren't a professional I would throw something at their heads. Sososo damn creepy…they're always gross old guys too. It might be different if they were all James Bond about it or whatever, but it's always just some weird old dude & all I do is ask if they need any help & instead of a simple "No, I'm Ok, thanks" they're all, "No" with the creepy wink…make me want to take a shower.
I think we seriously need more girls like you in the world! You give me a clit boner. Wait…I don't have a clit. Well a theoretical boner. I don't want to be too forward.
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