We were making cocktails a few weeks ago and I was trying to recreate the glory of the ginger vodka plus Sierra Mist drink that should unquestionably be illegal, but we didn’t have any Sierra Mist so I rode the elevator down to the basement with a handful of quarters and a mission to empty the vending machine of all of its Sierra Mist-ey goodness.
Except the vending machine didn’t have Sierra Mist either. Or Sprite. Or ginger ale. Or anything that’s clear and carbonated and mixes well with ginger vodka. So I looked at the selections, settled on Sunkist, put my quarters in, pushed the button, heard the thud of the can coming down, and grabbed it. Then I looked at it and realized that it wasn’t Sunkist, it was orange Fanta. And like, what? Who does that? Who puts the totally wrong beverage in a vending machine and doesn’t warn people??
Frustrated, I decided to pick a second choice. I put my quarters in, selected unsweetened Nestea, pushed the button, heard the thud, grabbed the can, and guess what? No unsweetened Nestea. You know what I got instead? Fucking diet lemon flavored Brisk tea. Not unsweetened. Not plain tea. Not even the same BRAND. And like, I stood there for a few minutes and looked at the vending machine and wondered why this type of thing *always* happens to me.
Also, why is it so absurdly impossible to get a real person on the phone when you call a customer service number?
Also, how the fuck am I going to Vegas again on Sunday and what do I do with the fact that it’s going to be 108 degrees??
Also, please remind me to tell you the story about my Vajacial (facial-esque procedure for the vagina) when I get back. And the story about the yogurt tampon. You definitely want to hear the story about the yogurt tampon. In fact, you should probably just prepare yourself for an entire post full of my new found vaginal wisdom.
Yes, I have a very wise vagina.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, the vagina monoblogs, wtf?!
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
So annoying! can’t believe that happened!
xo,sbg
Wise vagina. I’m looking forward to elaboration on both the Vajacial and the yogurt tampon. For some reason, especially the yogurt tampon.
It’s hot where I live. Not quite 108 but it’s hot. And there are no giant drinks or fun clubs or anything remotely Vegas-like, so hot or not, have fun because you could be in Moose Jaw.
p.s. That vending machine business is fucked.
Well, at least they were in the same family. It’s better then asking for Sunkist and getting rootbeer. Just saying.
As for wise vaginas, congratulations. Is that what you say to someone with a wise vagina?
RE: 108 degrees: take a bandana, wet it, tie it around your neck or tie up in your hair (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v191/ginghamtablecloth/hairtiebandana1.jpg). Repeat as it dries.
Or just stay the hell inside or by the pool and drink Vodka + gatorade so you stay hydrated.
I have bad luck with vending machines, too. The funny thing is, I can’t/don’t drink anything with carbonation, so I always want water. Just plain water. Hard to screw up, right? But I somehow always get a pepsi or something. Frustrating.
I live in Vegas and here is my advice to you….
Sleep all day. Go out all night. Even though it is still 100 degrees at 3 in the morning it is much more bearable at night!
Or lay in the pool all day. Not by the pool, or near the pool, or at a pool, IN the pool.
I am pleased to announce that this week I called SmartyPig’s customer service number and instantly got a person. I was shocked. Like I actually didn’t answer the real person for a second because I was waiting for a machine to launch into its phone tree and detail which buttons I needed to push!
Fuckin’ vending machines, dude.
Seriously. I’ve heard about yogurt tampons with this pregnancy stuff.
I am not even kidding you.
Weird.
Does your wise Va-Jedi have any wisdom on how to get my life together? Does it take questions? I am pretty sure I have it almost figured out except for the patience part and that things take time sometimes, but I kinda want it now. The answers, not the Va-Jedi…well, maybe both. Hey, did you change the ratio of pink to white on this design? It’s very hard to hide all that pink off screen at work and still try to type in the comments and it just seemed to get harder just now…
i think salons should offer a special on vajazzling following a vajacial – i’m sure the little rhinestones will stick better to newly um, cleaned and extracted and shaved vaginas. and perhaps throw in some yogurt tampons on the side.
First came the piercings, then the Brazillians, then the landing strip Brazillians and then vajazzling, and now our vaginas can have masks and toners and, I assume, massage by skilled masseuses.
It seems our vaginas have finally come into their own.
(Find it interesting that the Firefox auto-spellchecker is underlining “vaginas.” At first I assumed it was because one doesn’t often talk about more than one vagina at a time, but when I clicked the dropdown list to see if it recognized vagina at all, it suggested the word “vaginae.” I looked it up, and sure enough vaginae is the plural for vagina! Who knew? I have learned something new today.)
Someone has been plagarising your entries! (June 13th 2010). http://feyneantoinette.wordpress.com/ It’s annoying and zero originality,
Yogurt tampon? … Are they edible?
“What flavor would you like, vagina?”
FEEDING TIME!
I look forward to the vagina post.
Honestly, the vending machine problem has never happened to me, but that’s probably because I have had to stock one up before, and I would get in unbelievable shit if we put the wrong beverage in the wrong slot. Obviously. Because if it didn’t matter, we would encounter people like you. You should’ve bitched at someone. Seriously.
Kayla @ kdkq
Oh, I have heard about the yogurt tampon trick. Since I’ve never had a yeast infection or been prone to any kind of…internal ph imbalances in that way, I’ve never tried it. (Do you also know about the tea tree oil tampon? Similar, except you actually soak the tampon itself in a base oil mixed with tea tree oil and then insert it like a regular tampon for a few hours. Supposedly a great natural remedy for yeast issues and other minor irritations.)
Yogurt tampons? Vaginal facials? I am so intrigued, yet sort of repelled all at once.
My new band name: WiseVagina.
Seriously what are you kids doing in Vegas again??
Can’t wait to catch up on stories about your vagina. My vagina tingles in jealously and anticipation. MISS YOU
do you get the low fat yogurt, the whips, or the straight up think & creamy stuff? Yoplait has all these flavors now that make you think your eating something else: red velvet, dulce de leche, pineapple upside down cake, roast beef. j/k they don’t have roast beef, but do your vagina a favor and go for the apple turnover.
seriously i WANT no NEED ginger vodka again. it was so damn tasty. also vegas called and said you’re ridiculous. heart you, haha.
Careful. Too wise of a vag can wind up in vaginal hubris. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg0b8aMSP5M
Does your very wise vagina hang out with that Tootsie Pop Owl? Because when I think wise, I think about the Tootsie Pop Owl.
Vending machines hate me too. All the time. Except for usually they won’t give my anything and just take my money. They’re assholes.
Vegas! Sunday! Me TOO!
Also, the vending machine thing: they’re the worst. Why would they put the swedish fish next to the Welch’s fruit snacks and make the number labels confusing? I did not want Welch’s fruit snacks yesterday, and I had to pretend I was cool with it because a guy was waiting behind me. Uncool. So beyond uncool.
that’s a bizarre vending machine. :/
i hate calling customer service lines… but am pleasantly surprised when it’s actually a person.
I have a confession. I reread your list. I am so absolutely in love with the take a picture everyday for a year goal. Would it be horrible of me to copy it, and put it on my list as well? I promise you, we’d have different pictures.
My bestie and I have real-life conversations about you and Jamie as if we know you. Most recently:
V: I’m sad our friends are in Vegas again. Not a lot of updating.
N: I know! They keep going to Vegas without us. Not fair.
I’M NOT CREEPY I SWEAR.
Sierra Mist and ginger vodka sounds good. Once when I when in Bumfuck cornfield Iowa somewhere, I was reduced to scotch and Coke. It was bad- very, very bad.
Tang and Vodka. Seriously. It’s cheap, it’s orange, it’s cheap and it’s awesome. (and it’s cheap) (Thank you party college that I think I attended for four years)
{ 1 trackback }