So I came to this realization recently, and it’s less about grammar and more about arousal, but perhaps the most awkwardly horrible time to make a typo is while dirty texting. Because I mean, it’s all hot and sexy until somebody wants you to do something to their hard coke. Or you’re so turned on that it’s making you wat.
Because you make the typo, right, but then what? Do you ignore it? Do you keep texting? Do you quickly type the hottest thing you can think of so as not to change the mood? Or do you acknowledge it and immediately text back with *wet! I mean wet! YOU’RE MAKING ME SO WET!
God technology complicates sex. Actually no, you know what really complicates sex? The fucking iPhone. The fucking iPhone and its fucking auto correcting of words for no good reason. Like, stop changing “fuck” to “duck.” Have I ever typed duck? No seriously, when’s the last time I ever, ever texted ANYONE about ducks? Never, that’s when. I’ve never texted anyone about ducks. But do you know which word I do use in almost every single text? Fuck. Do you hear that, iPhone? Fuck is my favorite word and you clearly need to just get your shit together already and start recognizing that I like fucking more than I like water birds. And, actually, while we’re having it out, I’d like to also request that you stop anticipating my needs and prematurely inserting the word “Bette” when all I’m trying to do is type “better.” I mean, who the fuck is Bette? There isn’t anyone in my contacts named Bette. In fact, I’m pretty sure there hasn’t even been a single person in the world named Bette since like 1957.
Which makes me think that the guy who programmed the iPhone has an enormous crush on some old chick named Bette. Or maybe his mom’s name is Bette. Or maybe he’s really old and back in college he used to get head from this super hot chick named Bette until she left him for a football player with a really nice car and he’s pissed as hell because he hasn’t had it that good since then and now he’s married and bitter because he spends his days programming iPhones and doesn’t even have a good blowjob to come home to and the crazy thing is that his wife totally *would* blow him, but he never bothers to go down on her first and has absolutely no idea that her clit is shaped like a wishbone or that all clits are shaped like wishbones which leaves him working for Apple and her wildly unsatisfied in the pants and me with an iPhone that thinks I want to duck Bette.
Wait, so, that wishbone thing. Did you know that? Because I totally didn’t and yet I’ve been wearing a small gold wishbone necklace for the past six months and talking about wishbones and luck and how I believe we make our own luck and then I find out last week that what I’ve really been doing this entire time is wearing a GOLDEN CLITORIS around my neck and maybe THAT’S why I’ve been having such incredible orgasms lately.
THE POWER OF THE NECKLACE.
Well, the power of the necklace backed up by the power of my newest favorite sex book, Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex
And I know, I know, between this and the Texts from Last Night book and the blog redesign I’ve been doing a lot of giveaways lately but it’s only because I think you bitches & dude bitches are fantastic and I love you and it’s Valentine’s Day and this is the last giveaway I’m doing for a while but it’s totally worth it because it’s a book that, among other things, taught me the real shape of my clit and if you’re still all, “enough already with the giveaways,” I sort of want to make it up to you by posting a picture in which I’m holding said book and am also maybe a little bit topless but I know that if I did that, somebody would get all snarky and bring up the fact that I’m 24 years old and therefore probably too old to wear pigtail braids but I don’t give a swimming horse vagina because I hate blow drying my hair and I fucking love pigtail braids and you can just shut your lips and and and no topless photo for you.
{Winners! Jessica, Ev’Yan, Jenny, and Alana!}
Posted in: love & naked stuff, reviews & free shit, the vagina monoblogs
{ 131 comments… read them below or add one }
I will take 1 copy & one topless photo of you, please & thank you.
ME ME ME BOOK BOOK BOOK I LOVE SEX
YES PLZ. To the book, a dirty text, and maybe i'll even accept a little ducking.
Book! Topless photo WITH pigtail braids! Make me wat! Hehe. No, srsly.
yes please! I'm not having sex right now so I may as well read an awesome book about it!
Hmmm… I'll take that book! And if there happens to be a photo somewhere in there as a bookmark, I'll take that too
Well, I'd like a book too!!
Oh, and the iPhone thing. I totally relate. I don't know how many times I've hit send only to realize a nano-second later that the damn predictive text has put something in there that I didn't want. I get the duck/fuck thing too. I guess I like to use fuck a lot while texting as well.
I am starting my day more informed about my female anatomy, and for that I thank you. If that's what the book taught you, I can only imagine what other goodies await! I'm also now wondering if a horse vagina is also shaped like a wishbone…..
My blackberry always gives me "Luke" as on option before "like". It's so annoying. I don't KNOW anyone called Luke and it's not like I'm a big bible quoter or anything so i wish it would STOP it.
A book give away from a fantastic writer in pigtails braids? Sign me up! It's been said here before but if there is a bookmark picture hiding in there, I'll accept that too.
Wishbones. Who knew? So, are we supposed to pull on them, or what? Maybe the book would be a good idea.
That's hilarious, because I was also reading Moregasm last night, and I totally read the part about the wishbone clitoris and was all like god, i learned absolutely nothing in sex ed, and then I decided that every school should hand out Our Bodies, Ourselves accompanied by Moregasm. Plus, I think it's great that you've been wearing a golden clitoris. Because it's nice to honor our bodies.
just the photo, i don't really read.
Ooh, I want the book! I mean, who doesn't want to duck Bette? And I want a wishbone necklace. Must. Find. One.
That books looks ducking amazing. Must. have.
ME. I WANT ONE. And I should get one because… my cell phone is broken and I can't even text right now, but when I could, it liked to replace "eating" with "dating." So I'd be like, "sorry, I'm dating right now, do you want to go in like 15 minutes?" And yes, I do eat whole meals in like 15 minutes, less really, because I eat super fast because I'm a freak, and that's why my boyfriend is amazing, because he eats fast like me so it's never awkward ever, and so I want to have mindblowing sex with him. BAM. BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
What's even more annoying is when your phone tries to autocorrect with something nonsensical. I'm constantly using the word "Tranny", but my phone has decided that "Upcomx" would be more appropriate. Can someone please explain to me how that is a reasonable word substitute? That's just a random pile of letters.
ok, so I clicked on the link to check out the moregasm book and it's the only book I've seen that amazon won't let me peek inside…so I'm guessing it must be good, and requesting a copy. If I win, I'll accept my winning email in the form of a piture email
And on the Iphone…what kid of predictive text predicts my word one letter before I'm finished typing it? What kid of prediction is that, I mean if you're going to predict something predict the word roadhead on the letter R. right? It would make it that much easier for me tot drive and text.
Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever been turned on by a book before. I mean, besides maybe a porn mag or something. Allegedly. Maybe. But those aren’t books anyway. So yeah I totally wouldn’t turn down the opportunity. Plus how fun is that stuff to look at with your boyfriend? Yes, please.
You should know that my phone knows and suggests "gaysian"
It sounds like your phone needs to have a strong word or two with my phone about how to not be such a pussy.
This reminds me of the other day, when a friend was trying to text his wife that we were at the Caribou by PetCo, except he got "pet" typed into his phone and it suggested "retard."
Also, that book sounds awesome. Yes please.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say I NEVER get sick of giveaways, as long as they are accompanied by your stories about wishbones and men who work at Apple, etc.
GIVE ME ONE PLEEEZEEE and thank you
*Sigh* Kinda bummed that I have to wait for the Great Uterus Revolt of February '10 to end before I drop panty and look for my wishbone. It would probably be faster if you just gave me a book.
I want the ducking book!
Nicole,
First off, I have been following you for awhile and you are hilarious. Secondly, I am now going to get my bestest friend to follow you- why? Because she LOVES sex books. Like has an entire collection, which seems kind of weird now but its ok. Thirdly, it would be great if you could give me a copy of the book, so I could give it to her because I know she would LOVE it and make all of our friends uncomfortable with the dirty pictures (which I think you would find hilarious).
Hmm . . . I've been married for a long time, so a new sex book would be FANTASTIC.
Definitely not too old for pigtails, and definitely don't stop with the giveaways, at least until you've done it to Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel. Or is that one too special to part with?
Fuck is the main reason I hate my iphone on most days. When I'm in a rush it's such a pain in the ass to cuss in texts.
I would love a book about getting orgasms. I need more.
More 'gasms sounds good to me!
I love my wishbone necklace, it's one of my favorite things… is my subconscious trying to tell me that I'm a lesbian?
And maybe the dude had a thing for Bette Midler? Or just really loved Beaches? Either way, he should be ducking judged.
Holy shit! I've been wearing a silver wishbone necklace for, like, 2 years. I had no idea that I was actually wearing lady parts…who knew??
I want that ducking book!
Fuck Me! I want that book.
Oh I surely would like a book
Nicole,
It's quite possible that your Reader's Comments are as amusing as you are.
But don't be threatened by that… It took 32 of them to work up to "As-Enjoyable-As-Nicole" status. #jussayin.
Did I just say you're pretty duckin enjoyable 32x over? Probably.
This is incredible badass as I was talking with Jamie the other day about iPhones and mine loves to autocorrect just to Judy, like I know anying with the ducking name Judy. There should be an option to program frequently used words so that every time I want to type clusterfuck it just understands me. I'd love a copy of the book so I can learn about this wishbone-shaped clit and start giving more mind-blowing orgasms. Thanks.
It's nice to know I am not the only one who didn't know about the wishbone shape. You teach me all kinds of wonderful things that I should have already knew. I mean, seriously, I still can't get "flowback" out of my head!
Haha, I'm going to come out of my lurker-state and post my want for that book. The duck book!:D That's what I'm going to tell my parents anyway if I get it.
So this dude texts me every morning from his iPhone and do you know what Good Morning in iPhone autocorrect is? Well let me tell you. GOOD MORMON. I mean, I insist he continues because I think it is hilarious but dude does not have 18 kids and counting and isn’t from Utah so I’m pretty sure that MORNING would be more appropriate, iPhone.
Jesus, I just saw that book in Books-a-Million with a friend who never gets laid, and I was like, "You should write a memoir but call it 'Somegasm'" but he said "No it would definitely have to be titled 'Nogasm'" and I said "What about 'Handgasm'?" and that made him all nervous because he's a software engineer and kind of shy and nerdy and whatnot.
Anyway I still really wanted that book. I didn't buy it because I KNEW you were going to give it to me. Even though this happened like four days ago. The universe was telling me its secrets. It also said that you are going to post a topless picture, and you haven't followed through on that so… get on it, woman.
I am eager to learn the true shape of the clitoris. Learning is for a lifetime.
i sooooo want it!!
Oh, yes – to the book (and the photo with the pigtail braids).
Also , I am basically a neo-Luddite so I am certainly not an iPhone user like all of you cool kids (I would never get something like that, if only because there are no buttons to push — I need actual keys for typing. All of this touch-screen madness has got to stop — doesn’t anyone realize the necessary visceral pleasure to be had from pressing buttons???) but it seems like there would be some way to turn off the predictive text “feature”? I know that my caveman-era cellular telephone machine had that going on, and finally it drove me so crazy that someone in my office, after I spent a very long time bitching about it in the kitchen one day, patted me gently on the head and turned off the predictive text nonsense, and now I can text anyone about how wat their hard coke makes me whenever I want to duck them.
I. LOVE. BOOKS. And wishbone necklaces. And YOU! THEEND.
I'd like a copy. That sounds like a great book for a married couple that could use a little spice.
oooh sex book
. now who on earth would complain about a giveaway? expeciall a golden clitoris one?
especially…I MEANT ESPECIALLY…is that even a word? the more i say it…
I think everyone in the blogosphere knows how sexually retarded I am. So yes PLEASE, I'll take one copy of the book.
& I never thought about the wishbone thing, but I think you're onto something. I saw a wishbone necklace at the Rose Bowl Flea market, & I almost bought it but thought it was kind of morbid. BUT… had I had read this post before yesterday, I would have bought it for sure.
Why yes, I would love a sex book. Thanks for asking.
Also? Not a fan of predictive texts or blowdryers.
The universe knows I could use that book in SF.
Oh oh! I want a book! I like to duck!
oh, okay. i'm on the book bandwagon.
did i come across as nonchalant? oh, good. i really didn't want it to be too obvious that i really want that book!
I need better orgasms. Book please!
My GOD woman, I MISS YOU. And now I want a wishbone necklace. (And that book!)
I need that book. And a wishbone necklace. And a good ducking. Seriously… help a sister out.
I think you're some kind of crazy random genius, and maybe that's why I love you in the completely not weird, completely heterosexual way that I love you.
You never cease to amuse me. So rock on with your Golden Clitoris! Hey, that should totally be in the name of a band, you know, like "Nicole And The Golden Clitoris Band" or some such shit like that. 
It's hard to say anything about sex that isn't new and wonderful but I can imagine my own book so I don't need one. You're young and very attractive but I have kids who're older than you so while I'd be thrilled to hang your photo on the wall over our computers I'd much prefer you were dressed. Just wanted to say, keep on keeping on. You rock.
I had my iPhone for about 2 months before it was stolen. I was only just getting used to the unwanted predictive nature of the beast. Now I have a cheap ass phone (because who can afford $700 for a new iPhone??), and although it has a full qwerty keyboard, it doesn't help much because I can't really spell at all anyway. So people still get unintelligible txts from me regardless of the type of phone I use. But at least now I always get fuck right, even if I'm not getting *fucked* right, which brings me to the realization that I think I am in dire need of this magical book that you insist on giving away. Which, btw? Free shit is always welcome, anyone that complains about getting free shit, or even the opportunity to get free shit is a total (insert witty, insulting noun here) (because I can't think of one) (because I'm hungover)
I need one of those books. I will pass it along to everyone I know so we can all be educated about the shape of our clitoris(es?) So it's like twenty people are winning over here.
No, really, it's okay…giveaways are good! I was at Babeland the other day and saw that book…didn't think to buy it, but free's always better!
Memememe!
I would like to win the book AND the pigtail braid photo. Please.
I listed you an additional two times today because of your funny.
If I do not win a book it will not make me love you less. Winning a book would make me love you more, though. Funny how that works. Almost like the charm from a wishbone/clitoris necklace.
Also I think the same situation is happening at Blackberry. Their programmers aren't getting blow jobs either, because every time I try to type "fuck" (which is also my favorite word) into my Blackberry it replaces it with "duck". I don't get what the problem is.
I'm currently topless and my hair happens to be in pigtail braids right now. How about you send me a copy of that book and then I can send you back a photo? Heh heh.
Yes please to dirty sexy time book!
pick me! pick me!
I want a hot juicy book! GIMME PREASE
I have the best reason why I should be rewarded with the sex book giveaway…. I've never had an orgasm and for the past three years I was in a relationship with a guy that didn't care as long as he got off. Now I am with a guy that is determined to watch me cum. Thus the book would provide even more ways to play!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE NEVER HAD AN ORGASM
I do believe I’m confused by the words that just came out of your mouth. The first thing was “I didn’t care as long as he came” holy mary mother of jesus why would u do that to yourself?!?!?!? And second no orgasm? Ever? Like not once? Not like oops I just happened to touch myself and oooh oh ok I like this? WHAT THE HELLok ok I’m done sorry…..we gotta get u a toy or something lady!
There is now a greater issue at hand here folks.
Fuck the book! And the picture. (Maybe not the picture)
Never had an orgasm? I have never heard of such a thing.
Ginger, Ginger Ginger…Lets work on that.
I want the book! Pick me! Yippee!
How is it possible that someone would complain about giveaways? (Or pigtails?) Who hates free? (OR PIGTAILS?!?)
Not this girl.
I've never had a sex book……or even seen one in fact. Can I have it? I have a new man (well old man, its my ex, getting back together after 3 years apart or is it 4) and some new tips would be awesome to go with the new lingerie I bought!
Holy shit this was like the best post in the history of ever and I can't even figure out what my favorite part is but I think the takeaway message is "Wishbone Clitoris" which if I ever am in a band I think that would totally be a kickass band name.
moregasms here please, I can't get enough!
Ive never heard about a wishbone looking like a clit or a clit looking like a wishbone, however you'd like to put it. Perhaps it's time to have a comparision photograph. Or did you see too many wishbone clits through guesshermuff. Either way, more power to you to represent the clit!
um yeah i definitely want that book. and after you see my blog post about what a B i was to my boyfriend on Valentine's Day, you'll see you are helping me make it up to him.
I don't know who programmed the iPhone but I know I send texts all the time with the wrong motherfucking word because of them. Especially "blackberries" instead of "blackberry" which I realize isn't a problem for a normal person, but I'm a baker, and if it's blackberry season, I'm probably texting about pie. A lot.
On the plus side, I have now typed the phrase "facepunch" so many times that instead of autofilling "face" it fills in "facepunch" which is awesome right now, but could totally be a problem in the future. Like "Oh honey, I love your handsome facepunch," might not go over so well.
The point being, I would love a free sex book.
Wait. Why are there no topless photos?
*feels betrayed*
Want! And I hate the cell phone word pre-programming
WOW, i never knew that about the wishbone thing!
and YES, i'd ducking love that book.
hahaha. You. are. freaking. amazing.
Loves it.
Cannot say I am not curious about said book and if my reaction would be equal to yours. Hm…
Fuck yeah, I want that book. This post made me giggle with happiness. And you are forgetting the greatest Bette of all time. One Lady Midler. Without her, I would not be able to properly tell you that you're my hero.
ha! i love you and when you are ready for your own intern i want the job. more IS better! thanks for sharing chicka!
For some reason my phone autotypes "Ng" when I want to spell "or". What the heck is "Ng"? What word to they possibly think I'm trying to type? What even starts with capital "N", lower case "g"? Nguyen? Sure. Have I ever typed it? No! Clearly, I need to be a phone dictionary employee.
I had no idea that my clitoris was a wishbone shape. I did see something on a gift website that I thought I wanted: a sack of lucky trinkets: 4 leaf clover, and a clitoris apparently.
My iPhone also corrects fuck into duck. I think this is the first time I have ever intentionally typed a kind of bird.
I have many sex books, and I’ll actually trade you a few of mine for this new one.
I have an idea: a book club for sex books. I’ll be the official book reviewer of all things sex.
What's a clit?
Um, come over and I'll show you? Wait. I mean. Damn it.
The bloody iPhone (smarmy lower case i, indeed) I have discovered that my pre-emtive text thingy assumes that when I go to type the word "give" and I reach the " v " it asks if I want HIV . . . . . ?
Is there really anyone out there telling someone else anything about HIV via text!?!?
If so , I hope to fuck I don't know them. If you have a conversation that you need to have with me AND it contains the term HIV, fucking call ! !
Bring it on! I didn't know about the wishbone thing, so clearly I'm in desperate need of this book… :-/
Oh the knowledge! Oh the pleasure! And i just happen to not have anything to read! (in real book-with-pages-to-turn sense)
I think I should get a copy of the book because I read through four pages of comments to see if you'd replied to any.
Yes, I will have one.
Sometimes, when I start typing "WHAT?" and I get to "WHA" my iPhone thinks I mean "WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUOUTOFYOURMIND" which is pretty d/fucking awesome if you ask me.
Yes please! So am I entered? TWSS! That was terrible, I’m sorry.
Dear Jesus I need this book (I actually sat at the bookstore a week ago reading this, that's how much I DONT get wat)…for my husband to read, and if he doesnt read it I'll just use it to to tug on my wishbone clit. Bette's got nothing on me.
You're hilarious! Please sign me up for the book giveaway.
What do we have to do to win the book? If we win it send you a topless picture of us with the book?
And same ducking problem with the Blackberry Pearl everytime I want to ducking write fuck it changes it to duck!!! Maybe there's a huge lobby with the duck industry!?
I'm going to win a copy of the book, I just no it.
Wait, I meant "KNOW IT." I KNOW IT. YOU'RE MAKING ME SO WET!
i need a copy of this book! i'm the unofficial SEX THERAPIST (in all caps because i'm that awesome) for pretty much everyone i know, and i need new resources.
also, dirty texting is worse when the other person uses doctor words. "i'm going to put my tongue on your breasts and then ill want you to place your mouth on my penis." oh. i can hardly control myself. you've got me so wet. because i'm crying at your awful sextalk.
Would totally love a book! (Found you through Jenny The Bloggess, and love your blog!)
Count me in! Second time delurk-ing.
I'll take a book PUH-LEASE! I mean, just because I'm single now doesn't mean I'm not going to be having sex. I mean…
Hi Dad.
(I'll still take a book.)
Everytime I try to text 'hahaha' it decides that I really meant to say 'Haitian.' It was a little funny until the whole earthquake happened.
I need that ducking book kthx.
i love you. that is all.
I WANT THE BOOK I NEED THE BOOK OMG GIVE ME THE EFFING BOOK RIGHT NOW!!! You wouldn't even have to send it to me, I could just leave some room in my suitcase when I come visit you in 1.5 weeks and TAKE IT BACK WITH ME! And use it on the airplane. In the bathroom. When I become a member of the mile high club. Okay?! Also, I loooove you. <3
Well FUCK, I've been trying to amass a necklace collection with pendants in the shape of phallic symbols but I think I might just get a wishbone now.
This uber sexy single lady will take one, thank you! This will be great for ladies night next week!
Yea..that topless photo will have to happen /creeperness
Yea..that topless photo will have to happen /creeperness
I hate the iphone predicting text too! duck that! and I'd love a book too!
You are hilarious. And yes, I second the comment about the damn iPhone. I don't know how many times I have sent messages about ducks to people that have no idea what the *fuck* I'm talking about.
I'm glad that I am not the only person in her mid-twenties who wears pigtail braids. Because, really, they're so much easier than blow drying your hair.
And this book? Sounds intriguing. I can't say I have ever been turned on by a book, but I'd be willing to give it a shot. Especially if fiance were reading it with me…
ooh sex book.. I am in!
1 sex book would be 100% more than the amount of real sex i'm having.
A wishbone? Really? Oh my hell, where is my hand mirror?
I really need that book, apparently.
i have to say i wouldn't mind winning a book about sex. especially with that glowing review you just gave it.
I would really like a copy of the book for several reasons. 1) I think it would be wildly entertaining, 2) the photos are sure to be epic if they can turn you on, and 3) because I just went to Amazon to see how much the book would cost and it's $15 new and $12.20 used and I'm always one for buying used books but I just can't bring myself to purchase this kind of book used as I don't even want to know what was going on while this book was being read and I'm not sure I can handle sticky pages.
Swimming horse vagina. Fucking love it.
A new sex book is just what will get us "going" again around these parts.
And the iPhone is terrible at helping spell or guess what word is coming next. I have similar complaints.
I quickly glanced at your post and only saw GOLDEN CLITORIS… and I thought hmm, I should read this.
me + book +sex = yayohmaniloveyou
I would love a book to teach me to duck Bette! Damn auto text. It really pisses me off too. I'm pretty sure I complain about it everytime I text or update my twitter.
The wishbone/clit necklace is hilar!! I want one! I would for sure tell everyone it is my lucky clit necklace if ever asked where I got it. I'm going to have to get one now…
Nicole! I literally just finished reading this book cover to cover and love love love and adore it! Want to know why? Because I work at a sex museum. That's right. And I also read this book called Supersex by Tracy Cox (I kid you not) and you should abso-fucking-lutely check that one out too. It's awesome.
K bye.
p.s. If you didn't live across the freaking country I'd totally tell you to come visit me at work. Because it's the most awesome place ever. And I get to read sex books all day while I give people advice. For reals.
p.p.s. Please tell me you've seen these:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=4…
You make me question how I ever had text sex on the iPhone. I want a wishbone-clit sex-book. I also want to move in with you and Jamie so I can spend my entire life laughing.
I am assuming you already gave away the books, but just in case you haven't, I would love a copy!
p.s. I have wishbone earrings. Maybe they will giving me some luck now, too:).
I don't tweet… or I'd send an immediate response to your "unsubscribe" tweet.
My response would be…
Shut. Up.
Holy shit. This is the first time I've read this blog and I'm dying of laughter. Thank you – this was an awesome post. I wish I had been around for the giveaway!
Diddo to Alice’s comment. me =
that I missed out on the book & topless photo but 
that I found this blog.