trader joe’s, abnormally wet pizza, and a snapshot of my life that’s going to make you realize that i’m actually as weird as you think i am. please still be my friend.

So I have this favorite pizza. Except it’s not really pizza at all so don’t worry NYC pizza, I’m not cheating on you, I just call this thing pizza because it’s not really flatbread and it’s not really a tart although the box says “Tarte d’Champignon” which at first made me think there’s Champagne in it but apparently “Champignon” just means mushroom in French and this is why you can’t take me anywhere because I only speak English and am sort of an alcoholic.

The thing with this fake pizza is that Jamie and I are obsessed with it. Like, actually obsessed. Like, it’s a problem. Like, we call it the glory hole pizza because we’re trying to repurpose the phrase “glory hole” to mean “thing that is really ridiculously fucking good” and this fake pizza is actually that good.

So good that we buy multiple glory hole pizzas from Trader Joe’s at once and then it’s a whole process because first there’s the getting overly excited and then there’s the turning the oven to 450 and the putting the pizzas on tinfoil because we have a tiny little midget oven and regular cookware doesn’t fit and then there’s the waiting 12 minutes and then there’s the actual weird part. The part where the pizza comes out of the oven and it doesn’t look ANYTHING like it does on the box because it’s not crispy at all and instead it’s wet, like actually wet, and we have to let it dry and then even after it’s dry it’s impossible to cut because it’s still grossly wet and doughy and not properly cooked although it is properly cooked because we followed the fucking directions but it doesn’t matter because we still have to fold the slices up to eat them otherwise the wet mushroom and cheese topping just falls off which makes us horribly depressed because despite being odd looking and wet and unpizza-like, this glory hole fake pizza is the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth ever ever.

Yes, even better than that. And that. AND THAT.

Shush.

But here’s the problem: as soon as we realized that this pizza was gross on all levels and yet also the best thing we’ve ever tasted, we swore to each other that we’d never serve it to anyone. Because I mean, “Oh hi, welcome to our home, let us feed you this fucking weird soaking wet non-pizza pizza that you need a bib and instructions to get into your mouth.”

Except we DID feed it to someone. Actually, we fed it to three different people because Andrea and Amy came over and we have absolutely no self control and we were all, “DO YOU WANT TO TRY THE GLORY HOLE PIZZA?!” and they did want to try the glory hole pizza so we made it and they loved it and Andrea took pictures of it and Amy actually got tears in her eyes, real fucking tears like the kind where she was CRYING OVER A FAKE PIZZA, and then Derek ate it and I don’t remember what he thought because I was nine too many drinks in but the moral here is that we fed our dirty little secret to other people and it’s no longer a secret anymore and you should feel free to open up and come clean about your weird food habits because it’s SO EMPOWERING.

Also, Trader Joe’s should sponsor my life.

Posted in: day to day shenanigans, san francisco, the nicole & jamie show, wtf?!