Somewhere along the way I seem to have become the go-to person for all things related to vagina. The emails and blog comments I get are just, well, vulva-tastic. So, when I found out that Stript Wax Bar here in San Francisco offers a Vajacial service that’s basically a facial for your post-Brazilian waxed vagina, I knew I had to try it. You know, for the sake of my readers.
The lovely people at Stript let me come in for free (proving yet again that my vagina is so much more high maintenance and spoiled than I am), and the entire thing went something like this:
Discuss the procedure with Jamie before leaving the apartment. Debate whether the esthetician is actually going to massage my vagina the way they massage your face during a facial. Evaluate what to do if I accidentally get turned on. Question why in the hell I’m doing this. Falter. Go anyway. Arrive at Stript Wax Bar and wait for my appointment. Look around at how ridiculously adorable the place is. Read over the list of services and wonder about the particulars of a Boyzilian. Question what’s more painful, waxing a man’s sexy parts or a woman’s sexy parts. Struggle to think of a single guy I know who would let hot wax anywhere near his penis.
Meet Katherine, the owner, and get escorted back to the treatment room. Take off my skirt and underwear. Lay on the table. Feel sad that the table is more comfortable than my bed. Contemplate stealing the table. Chat with Katherine and get talked through the $60, 50-minute process: cleanse, exfoliate, ingrown hair removal, calming mask, lightening cream. Continue talking. Learn that for the 24 hours after getting a Brazilian wax, you shouldn’t work out or do anything with hot water, but you should apply Neosporin to minimize bacteria/ingrown hairs. Tell myself to remember these tips because fuck, ingrown hair removal hurts.
Get up and leave. Let my skin calm down. Stand naked in front of the mirror and investigate. Make James Bond investigate. Decide that in spite of the seemingly absurd and unnecessary nature of this treatment, my vagina actually does look the best it has ever looked. Find out that Katherine is offering my San Francisco readers 20% off a Vajacial of their own. Think that blogging comes with some very strange perks…
**
In other (and notably less glamorous) vagina related news, I have recently discovered that inserting a yogurt covered tampon into your hoo-ha can help with certain bacterial imbalances and infections. Yes, I learned this on the internet. Yes, of course I tried it. Yes, Jamie was with me at the grocery store asking my vagina which flavor it would like for feeding time. Yes, you’re only supposed to use the plain kind and she was kidding. Yes, we know we’re sick and weird. Yes, you’d think that removing the yogurt tampon after like 30 or so minutes would be messy, but it’s not. Because your vagina eats the yogurt. Or like, your vagina absorbs the yogurt. Or, I don’t know.
Ladies: You’re welcome.
Gentlemen: Until you’re willing to try out a Menstruation Machine (a suit for men that mimics what having your period is like by releasing blood from a reservoir and using abdominal electrodes to simulate cramps), you don’t get to have an opinion about vagina stuff.
Ladies: Would you seriously want your man to try this ridiculous machine?
Gentlemen: How far would you go to appease your girl?
Everyone: Are there any other bizarre things that my vagina and I should try?
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
“Because your vagina eats the yogurt.”
Nom om om om nom.
Ew. I really just fucking grossed myself out with the nom nomming.
Remember when I was laying on the couch with my legs up in the air and I told you that I couldn’t move because my vagina was having a snack?
I mean, no, I shouldn’t admit this.
Nicole, at some point, you just don’t have to tell the internet everything about our private lives.
Except, why does our private life consist of us discussing your vagina having a snack?
I mean, how are we not gay yet?
ahhh i love your vagina
It EATS the yogurt? How do you even get a yogurt covered tampon in there? Doesn’t your tampon eat the yogurt and expand? This is all too weird.
I want a Vajacial. Except, shouldn’t it be Vagacial? Where does the J come from? Probably from Vajayjay, or whatever. Anyway.
When did you have the “procedure”? Is your vagina still looking her best? Details, please.
I think I’ll stick with taking acidophilus pills by mouth for my imbalances…a yogurt covered tampon is too much like using Monistat. No, thank you!
Actually I want a Vajacial! Somebody needs to bring the practice to NZ
I need more explanation of this yogurt tampon phenomenon. Do you yogurt-ificate your tampon during your period or do you dip that thing in keylime then shove it in during your normal everyday non-bloody life? I’m assuming you don’t use those combo packs that come with granola in the lid, right? RIGHT?!?!?
The thought of my vagina eating granola.
It’s just.
BAHHH.
Also, the answer is option two: normal everyday non-bloody life!
I so want a Vajacial. Given that I live in Canada; in Saskatchewan no less, this service likely won’t be available until my vagina will need more than a just a vajacial to restore it.
I love the grocery store bit and the question about the flavours.
I like everything about this post. Except for me and my vagina being sad about not having access to any spa treatments besides waxing.
Yup, I’m with Angela. I live in the next Canadian province to the east – evil Manitoba. I have recently taken the leap and gotten Brazilians. I think a Vajacial would be heavenly, even though the waxing gets less painful each time. Whose Vajayjay WOULDN’T love a little TLC every once-in-a-while? It bloody well (pun intended) deserves it after being ripped to shreds by that hot wax!
I’m intrigued but scared by the yogurt tampon but that vagina facial sounds divine. Wish I lived in San Fran!!! Next time I’m in town, this is happening.
What a coincidence?
My penis produces a yogurt-like substance.
They should get together for dinner sometime.
Hahahaha
Can you link to the vagina-eating-yogurt information? Because I’m sickly fascinated by the whole thing and seriously want to know the science behind giving my vagina its nom-noms.
Speaking of vaginas, during a recent discussion of my credit card bill, I had to explain to my dad what a bikini wax was and why I needed it. Yeah. THAT was fun.
I am pretty sure we don’t have Vajacials here in MN… I could be wrong though. Must investigate….
I’m definitely up for trying a brazilian… but scared of ingrowns now!
Also- have you heard of Coochy Cream before? apparently it’s amazing according to some chick that sat next to me during a pedi once. I guess it’s supposed to be super moisturizing and prevent ingrowns and you don’t have to shave as often. I just ordered some. Perhaps I’ll do a review later.
There are so many things like this that my vagina wants to try. Yes, my vagina is very demanding.
“Your vagina eats the yogurt.” Best.blog.ever.
I think you also need to include ‘..and not the kind with granola’ to the vagina yogurt restrictions.
Unless you like that shit.
Freak.
You’re gonna get it Vjazzeled, right? Where they stick crystals all over your vajayjay?
Also – a machine that mimics getting your period sounds like the sort of thing they’d put prisoners of war through…
As my favorite blogger, in my mind I have built you up to be this super funny writer-slash-adventurer so my sexual hang-ups make me gulp at this post for its imagery and loaded question at the end. I am getting more in touch with my freaky side so I would say I’m pretty much open to anything to please the ladies…apparently going down on my ex during her monthly female time is somewhat wild…but I was younger then. Oh who am I kidding. I would possibly still do it…again I have said too much…
SO. MUCH. LAUGHING.
THANK YOU
BYE
Oh my god, that tip about the Neosporin is GENIUS and now I feel like I can safely get a Brazilian again. As soon as I find a place that actually freakin’ does it in rural NH. Ugh.
Thanks for being the Vagina Goddess and letting me and many others email and comment with strange vagina related questions.
I should add “Vagina Goddess” to my business cards.
Wait, back up to the yogurt snacky thing. WHY would you do that? Like, just for an added healthful benefit for my girl parts? Or is it supposed to balance something that’s unbalanced. I mean, I’m curious, but I’m trying to figure out if I *need* that.
Yeah, I also need more information about the yogurt thing. I’m not above it, if it really helps things. You know. THINGS. YOU KNOW. NICOLE. THINGS.
No, really. More information, please?
It’s not a “Oh I’ll just do this because it’s Tuesday and I have both extra time and extra yogurt” type of thing. It’s good for infections – like bacterial vaginosis. And yeast infections. Or so the internet says.
Wait. No working out or hot water for 24 hours after a Brazilian? I’ve never heard that. I use Tendskin on my lady parts after a wax- it does a pretty good job.
I am scared that you put yogurt up your lady parts.
Even better yogurt ‘trick’ that I used to get rid of a yeast infection. Buy tampons with plastic applicators but throw away the actual tampon part. Then you fill the applicator with yogurt and throw them in the freezer. When they’re solid…voila!!! VAGINA POPSICLES!!
YUM!
re: vag-sicles… wouldn’t that, you know, be sort of like sticking your tongue to the flag pole in winter or something? If by ‘tongue’ I mean ‘inner vaginal walls’. It sounds potentially painful.
Brody: If by “sort of like…” you mean absolutely not at all then, yes.
The flaw to your theory is that the vag-sicle is made of yogurt and not steel? Aluminum? Whatever the heck flag poles are made of.
Someone should market this to twilight fans.
Think about it.
Really.
Can you use nonfat or should you just stick with good old fashioned full fat yogurt. Because I have some nonfat in the fridge and I ain’t above trying it. For science.
Answered my own question! Thanks internet. Nonfat is a go! And I tried both today. I prefer yogurt tampons to vag-sicles. Not that anyone gives a shit. Just thought I’d participate in the ridiculous amounts of TMI floatin around up in this piece. Love it.
just wow! thanks so much for sharing… that is all very interesting indeed!
…Wow. I kind of love you.
Aww, man. I remember working at Whole Foods and this one woman would buy several gallons of the plain yogurt. I remember one of my coworkers asking her if it she put the yogurt on her granola, to which she replied “Naw. This stuff is for my pussy.” I don’t think I’ve ever looked at plain yogurt the same way again.
Yo! I live in SF and I wanna try this new treatment. Ingrowns kill me. Can I get 20% off, too?
Yogurt tampon popsicles have long been my cure for yeast infections. I just load up a tampon applicator, stick it in the freezer, and then send it on up. It’s reduced the number of yeast infections I get (sorry, I’m gross and susceptible to them), and I haven’t had to buy that expensive gross drugstore jazz in years.
Happy vaginas (I know, I know vaginae) for everyone!! -The gentlemen too)
*never eating yogurt again*
But I admire your bravery. And your vagina’s willingness to succumb to it..
You need a bumper sticker that says, “My vagina is smarter than yours.” #imjustsaying <– sorry. I hashtag everything. It's an addiction.
OR A T-SHIRT!
Omg. I just…. I just… Can’t. Nope. Can’t handle this at all. I’m literally in tears. And imagining your vagina, which I realize I do waaaaay to often and it’s 100% NOT my fault.
Also? Every time you post I think, “This! This is my favorite Nicole post!” But then you post again and it changes. Except really. This one is it. Promise.
HAHA! this made me laugh!
Wow. NO ONE is talking about men have periods? I must just be vengeful and a huge sissy.
Except that machine just does blood and cramps. You know, not bloating and constipation and random hormonal moodiness out of nowhere for no reason. I think if a man really loved a girl, he would TOTALLY try to understand her. TOTALLY.
This is probably one of the reasons I’m single.
Fuck, I hate typos. Sorry.
I think I might die laughing. You and your vagina are pretty valiant. Thanks for making me think about vaginas and yoghurt – I never thought I’d use those two words in one sentence. But I guess there’s a first for everything.
I am moving to San Fran.
you think I am joking..
the yogurt in the vagina thing scares me a little.. I am not going to lie
I can’t read this post because it has the phrase “yogurt tampon” in the title. And that alone is making me feel too queasy to do anything more than leave this lame comment of mine that informs you of my queasiness.
Seriously, there’s something called a yogurt tampon? I don’t even want to know!
Ha! I read on the internet about the yogurt tampon years ago when I was having problems… I was too chicken to try it! I’m glad you boldly went where I was afraid to go (insert Star Trek theme here), next time ~ I think I’ll be brave and give my sexy parts a treat next time I’m baking bread.
BTW… on a side note, add a little vanilla yogurt to your chocolate chip cookies… they’ll stay moist and delicious!
Yogurt is *so* useful, who knew!!
Wow. I wonder if a machine to simulate getting hit in the balls is coming soon? I can pretty much guarantee that my fiance would buy that for me.
i feel like i’m friends with your vagina.
it’s weird.
You’re actually supposed to leave the yogurt out at room temperature for a while so the bacteria can culture (grow).
I learned that in microbiology. College FTW!
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