Sometimes, when a bad thing happens, it’s actually the best thing that can happen because it keeps shit in perspective.
Now, I’m not talking about catastrophic tragedy-esque things (although I’m sure there’s an argument to be made for needing that type of stuff as well), I’m talking about the smaller things, like having one rainy day for every three sunny days. We might not like the rainy day, but we need it to keep us on our appreciative toes about the sunny days. If it were sunny all the time, we’d take every day for granted. (See: living in Los Angeles)
It’s not just the weather, though. We need to be disappointed from time to time – we need to fail, push ourselves too hard, get sick, and really feel like shit – because that’s that only way we get to experience the “light at the end of the tunnel” moment. You know, that moment when things first start to turn around and you realize that, oh my god, YES, you aren’t going to be stuck in hell forever.
I had one of those moments this morning, actually. After spending the past three days in bed with tonsillitis, I’m finally starting to feel better. From the second I first realized it, I’ve been all, “YES! I’M ALMOST BACK TO NORMAL. FUCK. IS THIS HOW GOOD I USUALLY FEEL? HOW AM I EVER SAD IF I FEEL LIKE THIS?? LIFE IS AMAZING. HUGS AND HEALTHY THOUGHTS FOR EVERYONE EVER!”
Gratitude, man. It feels good.
While I was sick, though, I started reading a fascinating book that I haven’t been able to put down. It’s called The Power of Story, by Jim Loehr, and it stresses the fact that the most important story we ever tell is the one we tell about ourselves to ourselves. If we can change this one story, Jim says, we can change our destiny in business and in life.
The book details all of the absurd and damaging stories we tell ourselves, like how it’s okay that we’re working late every night because “it’s for the benefit of our family,” or how we can’t take time to exercise because we have to have our email open during every waking hour to make sure we don’t miss anything important.
Crazytown, no? And yet so many of our stories sound exactly like that.
As I work my way through the book, I’m putting a lot of thought into the story I’ve been telling myself about myself (often unknowingly) in every area of my life. I’m trying to identify the basics of the stories I tell myself about my family, my relationships, my work, my writing, and my health, so that I can compare those daily narratives with my true goals and see where I’m out of sync.
And guess what? I’m embarrassingly out of sync. Take running, for example. The facts of my story are that I’m a new runner, having started only 8 months ago, and in that time I’ve completed 5 races – one of which was a half marathon – and I have a full racing schedule planned for this year. The story I tell myself, though? It goes something like this:
“Shit, I can’t believe I have to run 7 miles tomorrow. I can’t run 7 miles. I mean, I can, I guess, and I have before, but that was luck. Every time I’m able to complete a long run, it’s mostly luck, and tomorrow I’ll probably get a cramp or a blister and I won’t be able to complete all 7 miles. It’s okay, though, because I run alone so it’s not like I’ll be slowing anyone else down. I mean, running with other people would be fun, but I’m not a good enough runner for that. I’m too slow and unpredictable; I’d just hold all of the “real” runners back. I’m not a real runner.”
Seriously, this is what goes on inside my head. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!?
But, now that I’ve started paying attention to the blatant self-sabotage, I’m working to write new stories. Not just about running, but about everything. I’m starting with running, though, and I’m writing a story that’s going to help me run 1,000 miles in 2012.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, SELF?
ONE GIRL. TWO FEET. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY FIVE DAYS. ONE THOUSAND MILES. NO NEGATIVE BULLSHIT.
GO.
Posted in: a life less bullshit, personal growth and shit, run, baby, run
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Last night when I was journaling I did this exercise where I wrote down all the negative things I say to myself about myself all the damn time. And then I pretended to be my bestest bestest friend and I wrote down what any bestest bestest friend would say to their bestest bestest friend in reaction to when she’s being a too-hard-on-herself cunt. Try it. It works.
YES to this.
You might like this book then. It was published in 1986 – but it still holds true today:
“How to be your own Best Friend”
http://www.amazon.com/How-Your-Own-Best-Friend/dp/0345342399
No negative bullshit. I think I’m going to write that on my mirror. Is that what people do? Something like that. On my fridge? Whatever the thing is that people do with inspiring stuff. Also you’re going to run the shit out of those 1,000 miles. And I’m going to stop telling myself the story where being utterly miserable at work until June is worth it because then I won’t leave the people there who I don’t like hanging.
I know exactly what you are talking about in regards to running. I started running seriously last May. Before that I was kind of running here and there and not really sticking to it. And no matter what mileage it is three or eight, I freak out, “OH MY GOD! I CAN’T DO THIS! I’M GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE.” Then I do it. I would probably have a much better time if I was positive about it.
Awesome post. Its actually what helps worsen depression too, the story we tell ourselves. When we start telling ourselves new stories we can be new people. This year my goal isn’t anything tangible like running – although good for you and wow! I’d be impressed with myself if I walked half that far. My goal is to take a huge leap of faith, make a huge change, to get somewhere happier so I can stop telling myself this story “I’m doing this so that next year will be better” which I’ve been saying to myself for too many years or “I have no choice in this situation” which is not true. Rock on! Glad you posted again!
I’ve always been one of those self-sabotaging types. It’s probably been within the last year or so that I realized I could tell that little voice in my head that tells me all these negative stories to “shut the fuck up, asshole!” I mean, sure… There are still things that I feel like the negative voice still has a stranglehold on (exercise, namely) but I’ve been getting better about it overall.
I have a similar goal (1k miles) along with conquering a marathon (by “conquering” I of course mean “surviving”). I won’t say good luck, because you don’t need it. Your mind is made up, now all that’s left to do is to make it happen.
I love this. We tell ourselves so many stories, and I’d venture to bet that most of them are more discouraging than not. I wonder what would happen if everyone just told themselves positive stories. Man, the world would be a happy place.
Good luck, N, I know you’ll rock at this.
That’s an awesome goal! I’m often the first to count myself out, doubt myself to the point of not taking action, and eventually not even trying. We’ll never know if we can do it unless we try! Other than that, my goal for 2012 is to “live within my means” in every aspect of life (financially, emotionally, relationships, all of it!).
I love your blog! Your like the positive side of my brain that is quieted way too much. Keep up the amazing work and I’m happy to hear your feeling better!
I don’t know you. I’ve never met you and in all likely hood I never will. Saying that I guess I don’t feel so silly saying I love your words and your blog. I love how you express yourself and I think reading your words in the past couple of months has caused the gears in my head to turn a little differently, in a positive direction. I hate that bad things happen to good people but thank you for sharing. Here’s to a life less bullshit!
Remember that one time I broke my back skydiving and then all I could think about was getting better in a timely fashion so I could get back to training and go to Nationals in November? Of course you don’t, because I never wrote about it. You’ll run 1,000 miles. I’ll go to Nationals. Let’s celebrate on this day next year, after we’ve had time to recover from New Years and holidays and binging after such a successful year.
DEAL?
I fucking thought so.
PS We can totally hang out before then.
PSS I am wearing a back brace.
PSSS I’m dressing as a ninja turtle for a theme party at the drop zone in March. You should probably come.
I’m definitely going to have to go and look up this book and read it because I constantly tell myself negative stories. Especially when it comes to applying to Dental schools at Universities. Which is why I still haven’t done anything and the dead line is next month. But no more negative thoughts!
It’s honestly surprising (and sad) how often we tear ourselves down day to day without knowing it.
I’m running a 15km race on Sunday. And I’m petrified. Vomit-inducing petrified. It’s not so much the distance that scares me, but the near constant uphill route. I’m afraid that 3/4 into the race, I’ll stop. I’ll refuse to move an inch further. I’m afraid of that little voice that says, “I can’t. I won’t. This hurts.”
My trainer has told me that I actually shake my head when I think I can’t do something. She pushes me through and makes me realize I can.
My story for running is “I am slow. I can’t push myself harder – I just can’t”. I really need to change that; I know I can push myself harder than I do. That’s a goal for 2012 – to set reachable but challenging race goals.
The stories we tell ourselves, eh? Interesting.
I think I sometimes like to crack jokes at myself. It may be taking away from my plans for total global domination.
You’ll do the 1000 miles and more!
racing schedule WHAT?? Why do I not have one of those? Probably because I’m just going to end up stealing yours and showing up at all of your races. Plan?
At the company I work for we have a business coach and most of his coaching revolves around getting us to realize what our story is. And that it is changeable! It’s been one of the most eye-opening things for me. People really are pretty mean to themselves.
Love, love, love this post!
I am the master of self sabotage. Y’know the 2 marathons and half marathons I’ve planned for this year? Yeah, I constantly tell myself I cannot do them.
But I will do them.
I WILL.
NO NEGATIVE BULLSHIT.
Amen, sister.
“If you run, you are a runner. It doesn’t matter how fast or how far. It doesn’t matter if today is your first day or if you’ve been running for 20 years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run”.
That is one of my favorite work out quotes – also “no matter how slow you’re going, you are still lapping everyone on the couch”. LOVE this post and am definitely reading that book!
Keely
Again, for the ninetyth time — how do you know ALL my feelings?!?!?!
I’ve been sick with chronic asthma/cold complications for a month now and I’m exhausted. I’ve been working on my list of goals/baby steps for January for your 6-step process, and I swear, the other day between coughing fits, wheezing sounds, and exhaustion, I looked at this list and thought…there’s no way I can do all this. It’s too much. I’m a failure.
So, as usual, thanks for your posts that remind me I don’t suck as much as I apparently think I do.
PS. I’m about to post my goals list here shortly!!
Oh my word, I can totally relate to the examples you gave from the book. I’ve definitely been telling myself a lot of bullshit stories and that has GOT TO STOP! Thank you! I’m off to check this book out right this minute!
I think the idea of constructing your own “life narrative” is really fascinating. I’m in grad school, and one of my seminars was about aging, and it was fascinating (and also terrifying) talking about how elderly people will sometimes re-tell their own life stories to themselves, but since we construct our own stories, this can be really psychologically damaging for people who blame themselves for all the bad things that happened in their lives and for people who don’t take control of their life narratives when they’re younger. So yeah. Be nice to yourself now OR IT WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Just kidding. Sort of. But awesome post!
I needed to read this exactly now. Thank you! No. Negative. Bullshit.
It’s weird how whatever I am thinking about always seems to mysteriously line up with your story (you see, your story — negative or positive — is having an impact on the story’s other will tell and that’s something important to remember too).
Time to download this book. Does the author offers advice about how to move from telling a new story to living a new story? This tends to be where I hit a road block, personally. The practical applications of making the life I want happen. I don’t always know how, especially with big tasks like finding a new job and relocating to CA.
<3 This is so inspiring to me, seriously. I need to knock out all the negative bullshit in my life. Starts now
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who second-guesses and displays self-destructive mindsets. Not that I’m happy that you feel this way, I’m just happy that I’m not alone. I do it all the time with my writing, in fact. “No one will think I’m funny”, “I’m horrible at punctuation and people will judge me”, “I’m a shitty writer and will fail before I begin”. It sucks but I make myself sit down and write anyway. I find myself funny. I find myself witty. I’ll figure out the punctuation thing eventually. As long as I keep those things in mind it will work out.
Thank you for encouraging us to do erase the negative bullshit!
You’re awesome and you know it! If you don’t…we do.
Love your blog!
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