Let’s talk about that moment, the one where you’re all, “Ah ha! So that’s what being an adult looks like.”
It happened to me about halfway through third grade. We were living in London at the time (another story for another Wednesday), and my parents and I spent weekend afternoons exploring our new city and going on “family walks.” (Wait, mom, I’m only now realizing that it’s totally fucking weird how everything we used to do was preceded by the word family. Out for the day? A family outing! Trouble? Time to call a family meeting!) God, when I get pregnant can you all please remind me not to do that?
NO MOM I’M NOT PREGNANT, SIT BACK DOWN.
So, it was halfway through third grade and it was a weekend afternoon and we were on a family walk, which means I was complaining because I’m a brat and my mom pointed to an ice cream truck and was all, “If I get you an ice cream sandwich, will you shut the fuck up?” and I was like, “ICE CREAM IN MY MOUTH HOLE” so she pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to me and I realized that ah ha! the secret to being an adult means always, always having cash in your wallet. No matter what. Dollar bills and five dollar bills and twenty dollar bills. All the time.
How true is this though? Don’t your parents always have cash? Mine do and real adults do and yet I never have cash and therefore by this definition I’m an absolutely horrible adult. I just can’t carry cash around. I’m a meticulous budget balancer and once I’ve gotten cash out of the ATM and mentally deducted it from my budget, what I spend it on somehow doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I walk around and I’m all, “I have cash! Dollar dollar bills ya’ll! Gimme twelve Blow Pops and three copies of US Weekly and twelve more Blow Pops and stop judging me because I’m paying in CASH and I love Blow Pops and how do they get the gum inside there and when can I visit the Blow Pop factory and find out??”
Oh man, speaking of, a few months ago I was watching Unwrapped on the Food Network, that show where they do behind the scenes tours of all different food production facilities, and it was an episode all about candy and they actually did go to the Blow Pop factory and I was maddeningly jealous because everyone who worked there looked so goddamn happy and maybe it was just for the TV cameras but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because how in the how could watching those genius machines magically get gum inside a lollipop all day not make you completely fucking ecstatic? Those machines make my mind explode. It’s like, have you SEEN the equipment responsible for mass food production? It’s crazycakes. Like, who came up with that? How does someone just wake up one Thursday morning and go, “This is how to make there be gum inside a lollipop!” or “This is how to fill eleventy thousand Twinkies with weird fake cream in under an hour!”or “This is how to make planes fly!” and I know, I know, planes aren’t the same as Blow Pops and Twinkies and I don’t even like Twinkies but I don’t care how many times my engineering major ex boyfriend explained it to me, I SIMPLY CAN’T COMPREHEND HOW 147,000 POUNDS OF ALUMINUM CAN JUST FLOAT THROUGH THE AIR LIKE THAT AND YES THAT’S THE ACTUAL ACTUAL WEIGHT OF A BOEING 747 AND I KNOW BECAUSE I LOOKED IT UP AND IN CASE YOU WANT ANOTHER FUN FACT THESE SAME PLANES HAVE SIX MILLION PARTS.
Six! Million! Parts! FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!
Thinking about this makes my brain do the Helen Keller thing. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure out how planes fly and how the internet works and how to do laundry before I entirely run out of underwear and stick instead to being in the business of overdosing on iced tea and researching heinous sexual terms and stalking my name through Google Alerts except maybe NOT because the Google Alerts keep telling me about a woman named Antoinette Nicole Davis who was recently accused of selling her 5 year old daughter into SEXUAL SLAVERY before the girl was MURDERED and news about it comes to my inbox like everyday and I have the pleasure of learning things like how this same woman is pregnant AGAIN and my question for you is shouldn’t the people who make planes fly figure out a way to stop shit like this from happening and and and WHY ARE PEOPLE RUINING MY NICOLE ANTOINETTE-NESS?
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
Google is so stupid for getting you confused with Antoinette Nicole because everyone knows you sold your kid well over a year ago but have turned a new corner and won't do things like that anymore for a while.
Figure out the Blow Pop Factory thing and let's do that ASAP.
Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one absolutely flabbergasted by heavy machinery. Factories break my brain. I always sit there and think about the kind of brains people must have where they can sit and design complex fiddly 3-dimensional things. (See also: Sewing patterns. Diabolical!)
Blowpops ROCK. And, you're not alone, planes freak the shit out of me, too.
I almost never carry cash, and as I am telling you that I don't carry cash… I actually do have cash in my wallet. Two $5 and one $10. My mom keeps giving my bills, and I just stick them in there. She always has cash… even when she gives it all to me or my sister, the next days she has more. This is why I don't think I am an adult yet.
What are blow pops?
You made me just have a huge craving for blow pops! I really want a blueberry one, the super sized kind!
Your parents carry cash because they come from a time before the invention of plastic when TV only came in black and white, nobody trimmed their pubes and a gallon of gas only cost you a quarter. One day our grandkids will be able to buy things by just putting their finger on a screen and they'll wonder why the hell we ever carried wallets to begin with.
Also… tootsie pop > blowpop.
Agree 100%: tootsie>blow
"If I buy you ice cream, will you shut the fuck up?" "ICE CREAM IN MY MOUTH HOLE." THIS IS WHY I CAN NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.
Also, I have three words for you: CABLE. CAR. MUSEUM. Sunday. That's four words.
i NEVER have cash on me. ever. but when I do, in those rare moments, i'm the first one to ask if i can pay with cash-money. because that's what i call it, to make me feel special.
and everytime i watch unwrapped, i'm guaranteed to have my mind blown by how they get gum into those little lollipops, or how those candies become candy coated, or what makes a Red Hot so red hot.
My dad never had cash, which was a pain when we were out and I needed money to buy something. I always have cash. I suppose I am an adult. Of course, when I was your age, only adults had credit cards, so it looks like the world has tilted on its axis.
I still love Blow-Pops, though – although, only the green apple kind
I'd be waaaaay smart if I bothered to listen to all the LIFE! LONG! LEARNING! OPPORTUNITIES! that Jason points out all the time. But instead I attempt to distract him with my underwear and charming catchphrases until he stops.
I second the above post–I only like the green apples, but I have strange hang-ups with hard candy. I heart this post so much because it is insightful as well as bringing on the funny and mentions my fave Nicole word of eleventy. I just recently started carrying one of every type bill in my wallet (1's, 4's, 10's and 20's) and whenever I spend out one type and it is missing I feel less of a man. Damn I guess this means I am growing up. I also am amazed at the machinery of the human body…I mean oxygen goes in and stays in the blood and the blood flows through the body carrying nutrients and oxygen and muscles push and pull and it works for up to 100 plus years dpending on how you take care of it and…and…(brain explodes)….
I meant 5's, not 4's….
Ha, I was going to say, "WAIT! I want $4 bills!!!"
Once upon a time I had a silver certificate $2 bill. No idea what the hell became of it.
I still have a silver $2! Not sure if it will be worth anything other than sentimental….
You meant $4's (cause, they're that much cooler, and worth more than $5's)
1. Whenever I go home my parents ask how much cash I have in my wallet. Then they yell at me for not having cash and then they give me some because they're afraid of what might happen to me in an emergency if I didn't have any cash (obviously I have learned to never have cash in my wallet when I go home).
2. I am also amazed by planes and I think I blogged about it once but I'm far too lazy to check.
3. Another airplane fun fact: if you fly a plane 24 hours a day for 30 years straight, it still uses less energy than it takes to make one of those planes. I have a classmate who used to work for Boeing. This is obviously not something Boeing wants people to know.
Ahh! You NEVER fail to make me crack up hysterically!
Mmm blowpops. Now I want one, you bitch!
Also, I never seem to have cash. It's like a physical impossibility. I just never, ever have it. I guess I suck at being a grown-up, too.
you make me laugh. i am having a blow pop in your honor. it is from halloween. but i dont know which one.
is that gross?
You used eleventy thousand in this post AND the Hellen Keller post you linked. Did you get the idea from Hobbes? I wonder if you have a way of counting how many times you have used "eleventy thousand" in your blog…I bet you have used it thirty-twelve times.
It makes no sense that airplanes stay up. None. That's why I always get prepared to die before every flight. Also, nonononono I did NOT need to know how much they weigh thankyouverymuch.
I think it's important to get in touch with how big planes don't fly so much as are pushed awkwardly through the sky with a whole bunch of thrust. Like a child acting career.
Did you just say "eleventy thousand"? I had to go back n forth on that a couple of times.
That's my fave Nicole Antoinette quote! It should totally be on a pink T-shirt so I can buy eleventy thousand of them with my $4 bills!
You should clearly be my brand manager.
I actually was going to suggest a line of t-shirts with my favorite Nicole quotes but I was doubting the sellability of some of the ideas, but I think eleventy thousand would be a big hit and I hope there is some future trivia about how you made it a popular term.
I fail as an adult too. I never have cash in my wallet.
You mean you don't have a patent on this name business yet?! COME ON WOMAN.
You are freaking hilarious! LOL
now i want to go to the blow pop factory too. is it in vegas? that would be an excellent drunken excursion with 42 bloggers, just saying.
It's mind boggling to watch a machine screw the caps onto bottles at a clip of 234235q34526/second while simultaneously labeling 234223452538 of those caps. I mean, how does it not get confused when not labeling and capping the same amount of bottles in the same timeframe, right?
I LOOOOVVVEEEEE me some Blow Pops. It's my new favorite currency actually. I've been trading things for bags of Blow Pops. Buy someone hot chocolate? Get a bag of Blow Pops! Need help with a project? Give someone a Blow Pop! I think that carrying a bag of Blow Pops would be a bajillion times better than carrying cash. Just sayin'
Hey you may be on to something–green apple blow pops worth $20, red ones $10–wait, that just repeats the concept of cash, doesn't it?
It does…. but I'd much rather eat a Blow Pop than a $20
It seems like I've always got cash. Those dollar bills don't just stick themselves in my g-string you know…
your parents have cash because they are the same people who probably don't "get" email and text messaging. It's old school
digital is the future. So are lasers.
ps did that person really just say "what are blow pops"??
haha Yeah I did… we don't have them in Canada, at least I have never seen them… but I always live in the middle of no where.
They're suckers with a gob of not terribly good gum in the middle. Similar is the Tootsie Pop, which has a blob of Tootsie Roll material (aka chocolate-esque non-food) in the middle.
This post is fucking hilarious and I would like some of whatever you're having. If it's blowpops, I'm down with that.
Blow Pops are basically the same as crack.
One hit and you're hooked.
"Yea man, I'm hooked on the blow."
Works in practically both scenarios.
Blow pops are the best. When you find out that secret let me know.
Looks like its time to change your time. I'm thinking Veruca Salt.
Fuck carrying cash. It's all about the credit card points. Our rents didn't have such awesome incentives when we were kids
I love how you link to that Helen Keller thing every chance you get. It makes me laugh.
I'm confused. Why did your mother give you dollars in London? That's just cruel. Taunting you with money that you couldn't use to purchase the icecream.
I also never have cash. The really irritating thing is that my two best friends always have cash and laugh at me because apparently I'm always saying I have to go to an atm. Apparently they're adults and I'm not. I'm older than both of them. Fuck. They're also the ones with jobs…hmm…I'm sensing a pattern. But I give waaay better birthday presents and can actually hold my alcohol so I guess we're square on some sort of cosmic adult awesomeness scale.
You are absolutely the only person who picked up on the US dollars/living in London thing. I fucking fuck fuck WROTE this post and didn't even realize it.
16 points for you.
Isn't eleventy from Lord of the Rings? Actually I know it is… Bilbo's eleventy first birthday. Okay, so I know I'm a huge geek. I'm alright with that. I love you Nicole!
You cant pay strippers with plastic…
so cash on hand is a MUST.
because honestly? you never know. One minute you might be eating cheese plates and talking to cool new people and then BAM, next thing you know you are in a strip club getting fed tequila and corona. I'm just saying.
omg – i love you girl.
screw you, mr. owl and "how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop"…how did it get there in the first place? seriously.
now i'm frantically thinking of all the food out there that doesn't have anything in the middle…or does but it's just an invisible substance that will soon erode my insides leading to a slow and painful death?
keep on, keep on nicole…you made me laugh for the first time today and i've been up since 4am with the rest of the crazies.
Unwrapped is the best show ever. Those machines are fucking crazy.
And your blog layout is STILL my wettest dream come true.
First, MOUTH HOLE made me laugh out loud. Second, you're totally right, my dad ALWAYS has cash. OMG it's like $5 bills keep reappearing from his pocket. It's a magic trick. MIss you.
I worked as a bee keeper for a while and my boss at the time was an ex-engineer turned honey seller guy, and he came up with this crazy tim-burton-esque machine to extract honey from the honey combs. It seriously felt like I was in Edward Scizzorhands every day. But with more bee stings.
My beau and I fell in love watching the Food Porn Network. A tour of the Blow Pop factory now sounds like foreplay to me.
I NEVER have cash. And when I do, I spend it like its going out of style. Its like, yeah I know I have a whole case of Diet Dr. Pepper in my office, but I need the $1.25 20 oz. bottle of Diet Coke from the vending machine right at this second and there is no way I will make it back to my office before dying of thirst! And while I'm at it, does anyone else want anything from the vending machine because I am gonna make it rain with overpriced aspartame beverages and granola bars!
seriously. every time i read your blog, i snort out loud with laughter.
esp that bit about the secret to being an adult is carring cash. I'm a parent myself – but I never carry cash. Only my debit card, which works like cash….only I'm screwed if the store doesn't accept debit cards…..sigh.
i cant keep cash, because i have an inexplicable need to spend it. on gum, on cigarettes, on toilet paper, on hair gel – on anything. cash burns a hole in my pocket!
It all makes sense now! My dad ALWAYS has cash on him.
I never have cash. I fail at adulthood.
(My mother only sometimes has cash. So she is only sometimes a responsible adult. Which, you know. Actually makes perfect sense.)
OMG QUICK COPYRIGHT THIS THEOREM IT IS BRILLIANT.