When my phone rings before 8am, it can only be one of two things. Either a staff member of mine is doing the “I’m going to be late and omg I’m so sorry but I’m bringing you a 32oz Apricot Ceylon iced tea from The Coffee Bean so IT’S ALL GOOD” thing. Or it’s my mother.
Last Wednesday, it was my mother.
I pick up the phone as I’m running out the door and I’m all, “What?” and she’s like, “Well that’s a shitty way to answer the phone” and I’m all, “I don’t have time for your shenanigans right now” and she goes “but I have something important to share!” and I’m like, “Actually important? Or important like how you aren’t sure if you believe in evolution?” and she goes “EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT” and I’m like “STOP YELLING AT ME BEFORE 8AM” and she’s like “What were we even talking about?” and I remind her that she has some crucial, earth shattering news to share and that I should probably get Darwin on three-way and she growls at me and goes “Not only are you a rude little girl, you’re getting me off track,” so I sigh and I’m all, “Fine, what??” and she clears her throat and exclaims, “Well now, did you know that it’s so hot here in Arizona today that it’s actually 4 degrees hotter than it is in Saudi Arabia?”
And I’m like “THAT’S YOUR NEWS?” and she goes, “Um, excuse me, that’s INTERESTING” and I’m like “Yeah, about as interesting as a box of hair” and she says “If it was a box of albino hair, I bet you wouldn’t be quite so sassy,” and I’m like “Okay, seriously? Am I on the radio or something?” and she says “I don’t know, are you?” and I’m all “What the fuck?” and she’s like “I hope the radio man bleeped that out” and I’m all “Your nonsense is making me sweat” and she’s like “Don’t even start with me about sweating” and I’m all “If I buy you a one way ticket to Saudi Arabia right now, can I get the hell off this damn phone call??”
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
omg, nicole. i think our moms should hang out. srsly.
You mom is as bad mine. Ruste on this. I get lectures about how I cam solve problem I didn’t know I had. Talk about downer. Oh and I’m the black sheep of the family. Could you tell?
You two need a sitcom. Now. Big-time TV execs, get on this shit.
Also, I lived in Arizona where the summer heat really does make you feel like the world is gonna end or something. I would always call all my friends in LA saying, "OMG GUESS WHAT?! ….. It's hot."
LOL. Gotta love the convos with the momma. Too hilarious.
Speaking of hot, um YEAH it is. My poor little toes look like jimmy dean sausages.
There was a day this winter where it was colder in Pittsburgh than it was in Antarctica.
… I thought it was interesting….
"Rude little girl" made me laugh.
Your conversations with your mother are simply hilarious
i knew as soon as i read early morning conversations with my mother, it was going to be fucking hilarious. also, how about an early morning conversation with rachel? because really. i haven't talked to you in WEEKS. NOT FUCKING ACCEPTABLE. love you bye.
I love this!
I think your mom and my dad are siblings.
It's unseasonably cold in Minnesota. Just in case you were interested.
You may not want to hear this, but it sounds to me like you take after your mom. In a good way.
You don't just let her leave a message? Of course not. That wouldn't be blogworthy.
This has nothing to do with your post and I definitely wouldn't call you to tell you this BUT I had this dream that you, Paris Hilton, and Ryan O'Neal moved into the row house next to us. I cannot remember more and I cannot explain it.
Im with Peter. That rude little girl comment? That was tops.
Also? Today I won! My favorite picture is up.
"box of albino hair" yes!! thank you for this:)
um your mother sounds amazing. ridiculous and amazing.
Your mom sounds delightful. And clearly she and my mom should be friends.
your mom is ridiculous in the most awesome way.
Hilarious! Your mom is awesome.
Your mom totally reminds me of my dad when he calls me at a bad time. Seriously. I wonder if they know each other.
Haha. "Am I on the radio or something?" Genius.
Parents have a sixth sense. The know when we can't talk and yet they call us anyway to say a whole lot of nothing.
Not gonna lie, this post convinced me to start blogging again. And to do it, well better. With funner stories. So thanks.
LMAO My mom knows not to call before a decent hour in the day – decent to me means noon. HA
Hahahaha. Why would anyone call so early? Jeez. Don't they know beter? Hopefully your mom does by now (but I bet not).
Oh, geez, I only wish my conversations with my mother were half this interesting!!!
BWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! A box of hair? Honestly – how do you come up with these things???
Tell me: will your mom be reading this?
Is your mom, MY mom's long lost sister??
ha! that just made my day.
wahahaha. you and your mom. funniest duo ever.
gold.
I seriously love your mom, the posts with your convo's are my favorite!
This is just plain funny.
I see you're you're mother's daughter.
I don't know you, i found your blog through someone else's blog, but I have to say you freaking crack me up. your mom and my mom are duplicates. she thinks everything she says is so intensely important that it cannot wait one more second. i love reading about your crazy life, because it makes me feel not so alone in my own!!
~ Lindsey