Knowledge is weird. Like, one second you don’t know something and then the next second you do. And as soon as you do? You can’t un-know it. Well, except for high school Spanish. I couldn’t conjugate a Spanish verb to save the lives of all the AIDS babies in the galaxy.
So, you know, hopefully it never comes down to that.
But anyway, this new thing I learned? It’s from a book called Sperm Wars, which basically explains why we do what we do in regard to all things sex from the perspective of evolutionary biology. And it’s a total mindfuck.
It’s hot scene after hot scene, followed by detailed explanations of why she turned him down, why he couldn’t impregnate her, why he slept with another woman, why she masturbated, etc.
Oh, and my favorite: why there’s the ‘flowback.’ You know, that collection of material that flows back out of the vagina sometime after intercourse. THE FLOWBACK. IT HAS A NAME. THIS IS THE NEW THING I LEARNED. YOU’RE SO INSANELY WELCOME.
After learning the new thing though, I couldn’t un-learn it. I couldn’t get the gross overly descriptive word out of my head for days. So finally, I resorted to reading through Helen Keller’s Twitter stream and publishing a blog post about the horror of my job search process.
Which helped.
Until later that night. Until I was out to dinner with my parents and I got a text about how I made a typo at the end of the post and I was like, “I must fix this before it hits Google Reader!” and my parents were all giving me the eyes like they had no clue what I was talking about, because no matter how many times I explain blogging to them they’re all, “I read things printed on real paper!” and I’m like, “Cave people!”
But at dinner that night I was all, “this will only take a second” and I whipped out my iPhone and logged into my blog and ran my mouth off about the awesomefest that is modern technology. Except, as it turns out, while I can indeed login through my iPhone, I can’t actually edit a post on it.
WHAT THE FUCK. STOP TEASING ME.
And then I went into stabby catastrophe management mode. I know, I know, tiny little typo, but I’m the person who convinces herself that something irrational has to be done rightthissecond and then absolutely cannot let it go.
(I’M SO MUCH FUN TO BE AROUND!)
So I texted him back and was all, “Here’s my blog info! Can you oh my god please please login and change it?” but as soon as I did I was like, “WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. WHAT DID I JUST DO?” Because I might or might not be 17% crazy and I might or might not have some misplaced trust issues that make me unable to read a book like Sperm Wars without picturing the absolute worst case scenarios for my sexual life and infidelity and flowback flowback flowback, but that’s just about sex. It’s an entirely different thing to trust someone enough to GIVE THEM ACCESS TO MY BLOG.
Which makes me wonder: WHY IS MY BLOG MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY SEX LIFE?
REVISITING THIS EVENT HAS BEEN VERY STRESSFUL.
I CAN’T STOP YELLING.
PLEASE PASS THE TEQUILA.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, life 2.0, love & naked stuff
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
I only ever gave one person my blog password. It was an "in access I die you should tell all my readers that I'm dead" kinda thing. And it's only because I seriously trusted that person. She has intergrity/ Other than that I would NEVER give anyone my blog details. Fuck i wouldn't even share a blog with a person. Share a home and morgage – fine. Share a blog – you're out of your fucking mind.
Your brand of crazy is exceptionally amusing. And you've now totally made me think, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING!?!?!? when I gave a friend my blog access info. balls.
I resent that!
I’m pretty sure the word ‘flowback’ has damaged me for life. And I’m slightly worried about the info thing. It just now occured to me that my Ex has all my passwords – because he saw me typing them and I wasn’t fast enough to confuse him – and he also has some rather questionable photos of me.
I hope to GOD he didn’t think the break-up is worth revenge….
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.
I just used Amazon's "search inside" to see why they care about "flowback."
You should have warned me how EXCITED it gets about it. All lovingly describing what it looks like when it happens to zebras, and how you should try to watch it happen to human women at least once in your life.
WHO LET ROBIN BAKER NEAR A WORD PROCESSOR? MY SKIN WILL NOT STOP CRAWLING.
Bitterly Books, I hate you. Because you made ME have to go amazon search inside it too.
You are pretty crazy. But we all go there sometimes. And come ON, "flowback" is *not* the worst word you'll come across. Try "felching"
You'll curse me afterward, but I'm sure you'll not be able to resist looking it up, muhaha!
NB: NOT not not not something I have tried.
Bill, let's just both agree to hate Amazon, for making that shit available without some kind of warning screen beforehand.
I will be doing no Amazon searching or reading of this book, ever, because EW. Just…EW. It sucked enough before it had a name.
Also, the end of this post? My inner monologue at least 50% of the time. I wish there was a better way to express things than CAPS LOCK on the interwebs.
There should definitely be a font for "in dire need of tequila/vodka/chasing the dragon."
I RELATE SO MUCH, I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN. And I need to read this book. I love evolutionary explanations of sex and everything else in the universe. Like, men like women with big boobs and tiny waists because it's an indication of good fertility? Who knew?!?
HAHAHAHAHA. That is really all I have to say to that.
1) I want to read this book, and 2) IT HAS A NAME?! Also, this kind of reminds me of that time someone posted about Martha Stewart's $1200 vibrator. I think it was Brandy. Either way, it was like "If I have to know this, SO DO YOU," and that's something I regret I have never un-learned.
Was this a book review? Because I’m choosing to take it as one. And I’m going to make the boyfriend read it with me and say “HA! Now you can’t bitch about the flowback on your sheets! Get in the wet spot!”
Um… yikes. Sorry about that outburst. I’m generally a very sweet person.
GET IN THE WET SPOT! Haha I actually think the title of this particular chapter IS "the wet spot."
nicoleiswetter.com:)
So why is there flowback?
Shouldnt it just be sucked in like a vacuum? Is that not how vaginas work?
GO READ THE BOOK.
Im kind of afraid to. Flowback is not something I want to think about when I think about vagina.
Re: women with big boobs and tiny waists – I'm the opposite. Kind of boyish – no real boobs and my waist is hardly defined. Does this mean that I've been wasting TONS OF MONEY on the pill all these years? will I find out that I won't be able to have children and have flashback after flashback of all the "OHSHITIHOPEIMNOTKNOCKEDUP" moments?
Okay. Back to the post. I'm pretty sure Amazon mentions above are NSFW so I'll have to look. On my iPhone. Because curiosity killed the cat. Or something.
Re: Flowback: I hate you. And by hate I mean love – so there's that.
FLOWBACK!!! I am so using that in the very near future.
If you liked Sperm Wars you should read Death from a Distance and the Birth of a Humane Universe. Sperm Wars is one of the texts used in the book. Its only available on Amazon, but its a great read!
http://www.amazon.com/Death-Distance-Birth-Humane…
Sperm Wars really is quite amazing.
I love that human consciousness is really just the tip of the iceberg, it's like our unconsciousness's way of keeping our brains busy and pre-occupied while it's running the show.
See? This is what blogs are good for. To forever stigmatize your readers' brains by using words such as flowback.
you are absolutely the most insane person i have ever met. i mean, read. i think if we ever spent a weekend shut up in a cabin together, that little voice inside my mind that i can never fully let out because people would think i had gone mental would completely take over my life and i would be forever a changed woman. i am totally living vicariously through you, and your hilarious use of all-caps.
"Nicole 'Flowback' Antoinette is the author of the More Is Better blog…"
I think that is your new nickname and the new intro to your About section, if you ask me.
My favorite running joke you do is your "to save my life" asides – most recently in the form of "to save the lives of a million [AIDS] babies" – that keep cropping up.
Oh god. The flowback. I don't even want to look it up. (Okay, I kind of do.)
Oh my god, I must read this book.
And don't worry, I am pretty certain you have your priorities totally straight.
That is the most grossest word I've ever heard of . Flowback. Jesus. It's so true though. EEEWW.
The internet and blogs have taught me so much. Many things I wish I could unlearn.
OMG Amazon, I hate you! I'm….gah, I feel so many different things. This book is like a train wreck – you want to turn away but you. just. can't. Great, now I'm going to have to buy it.
Thanks
Maybe it's because I'm older that I'm not so disgusted and maybe because an ex and I already had this experience and maybe it's all the porn. Seriously, there is porn on this and there is more disturbing porn out there than this. Maybe I shouldn't have said that…..
So…this would probably be a bad time to mention that you misspelled “masturbated” up there in the post?
LOL !!!
Haha, I seriously need to stop blogging after midnight. Also? I should have to take a blogging breathalyzer.
Also, I've given you an award on my blog!
http://www.fabbrunette.com/2009/12/its-like-chris…
Ah, Nicole.
I just read this at work. (I should know better by now.)
And now must go clear my internet history, just in case they find this and think i'm all pervy.
Look what I found for you (and all the new fans of flowback) …
http://www.urbandictionary.com/products.php?defid…
I am so picturing Nicole in a FLOWBACK trucker hat right now. THANK YOU for this link.
I trust people with so much, it makes them like immediate best friends. good call with sharing your blog info, that dude is probably feeling like your most trusted buddy and he will act like it.
btw- Completely off topic, but I hate it when you are always looking for a job. Unless the job is so good that you will scream it from the rooftops ala Syndey, then I vote for struggling-writer-who-becomes-successful-writer-faster -because-she-wasn't-distracted-by-the-politics-of-some-bullshit-job.
please I need to know more sperm war information. I eat this shit up. It's on the level of psychic children and men in black.
that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Worse than "moist" by far. And my blog is full of typos, but I almost emailed my info to a random person when I had a major problem with one of my titles and was nowhere near a computer. These things are important!
I will never forgive you for "flowback".
Unless you share that tequila.
Oh yes I have read that book. It's insanely interesting. But every time I try to tell people about the different kinds of sperm, they just look at me weird. They really should just go read the book.
girl… you are WAY more insane than I am… and that is a feat!!!
LOL!!
Flowback. Can the same term be applied to vomit because I definitely just puked in my mouth a little bit.
Think I can pick up a copy of that at the Library? Sounds like a perfect conversation starter at family functions over the holidays…
Nicole, dude, you have so contributed to my reading list, even though I can just tell it'll depress me. Also, I don't care how neurotic you are, you're one of the best.
Don't worry! I would do the same—pass my blog log-in info to a friend if there were something I needed to fix but couldn't! I'm very trusting. And when it comes to something like a bog or necessary information, that's okay!
OMG. I can't believe they named that.
Thank you for making sure we all are unable to unlearn that, too!
i love your post titles
get the wordpress 2 app for the iphone…u can edit post with that one
ok…there's a 'him'. i must've of read past that or something!
you obviously didn't have me as a Spanish teacher…I tell my kids that what I'm teaching them I expect them to remember until the day they DIE!!!!!!! haha they get all freaked out but it drives the point home
This post was all sorts of awesome.
I don't want to know. But I kind of do. So I want to use my Borders holiday coupon to buy that book.
Score.
That man is a sick fetishest of some sort. Trust me on this, I'm a professional.
This sounds like the time during Quip It that I learned the meaning of, "smegma." Yes. Smegma. It's just wrong. And sort of ruins wangs for life. Wangs and the similar words such as, "Smug" and.. "ma."