Remember how I don’t own a bed? And therefore sleep on an air mattress on the floor? Yeah, about that.
I went to inflate the damn thing the other day and apparently, the motor is broken. Is it even called a motor? Fuck, I don’t know, the thing that puts the air in the air mattress, that thing. Yeah, it’s fucking broken. So, in a matter of seconds, I went from sleeping on an air mattress on the floor to just flat out sleeping directly on the damn floor. Which makes me feel both adventurous and trashy- kind of like having sex outdoors.
Speaking of sex, part one of the American Idol finale was tonight. What? You don’t find that overwhelmingly sexual? Fine, you know what, you’re not invited to my threesome with Adam and Kris.
So suck on that.
Although, just a thought, maybe I shouldn’t be having a threesome in which one guy is married and the other is clearly gay? Particularly after the interrogation I went through at my new gynecologist yesterday. My new gynecologist who’s also male, 106 years old, overwhelmingly efficient, and very into quick fire questioning.
“How long since your last pap smear?”
“Um, about two years.”
“Do you know you’re supposed to get one at least every 12 months?”
“Yes, I-”
“Have you gotten the HPV vaccine?”
“No, not quite ye-”
“Are you currently sexually active? Are your partners men, women, or both? Do you feel pain during intercourse? Have you ever had a bladder or kidney infection? How many sexual partners have you had? When was your first period? Do you use condoms every single time? Do you perform self breast exams?”
“AHHHHH.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh my GOD. FINE! I WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH ADAM LAMBERT AND KRIS ALLEN.”
“What?”
“And Chuck Bass!! You heard me: I WANT A CONDOM-LESS FOURSOME WITH A MARRIED GUY, A GAY GUY, AND A FICTIONAL TV CHARACTER.”
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, the vagina monoblogs
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
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Bwahahahahahahaha! Oh my God. I was eating my breakfast of saltines and a shower of crumbs went splattering ALL over my desk when I got to the "And Chuck Bass!" part. Oh, God. Can't.Stop.Laughing.
Lmao! That's the best. I've been looking for a good comeback for all the gyno personal questions, i think I just found it
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG this post sums up exactly how I feel!!! Love it! And thank you very much!
You're awesome.
That was one FREAKIN AMAZING blog post! thanks for starting my day out with laughter
have a great day!
xoxo-ak-xoxo
hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Thank you for a very hilarious Wednesday morning laugh!
bahahahah I almost choked to death on my laughter. The "and a fictional-character!" part was the best. ever.
BWAAHAHAHAHA
LOL did you really say that?? i love it (either way!)!!
outdoor sex is trashy? man.. i've been wanting to try it tho!!
We need to start a "Get Nicole a bed fund".
Or, you can just buy me a glass of wine when we're hanging out in Denver TOMORROW. AH!
You're awesome. I wanna be you when I grow up
"kind of like having sex outdoors"
Well crafted, lady.
I've never had a male gyno, but I don't think I can handle it. I only feel comfortable with someone who actually has a uterus checking mine out.
you've just articulated EXACTLY what i was thinking.
HAHAHA!
Agree with all those men. 100%.
Mmm, outdoor sex.
hahaha! brilliant! i had a male gyno once, he was about 106, too…but he didn't talk much, so now i'm concerned.
hahahaha i just laughed through this whole thing. i can just picture that conversation with the gyno, priceless.
106 years old or not, I'm just not sure how comfortable I'd be having an (old) guy as my gyno.
Also – I'm down for Chuck Bass, because that boy is several levels of hot. (The other two, not sure about. I don't follow American Idol.)
Lol. I don't think I could go to a male gyno! Awkward!!
I started reading GG, and I am actually very proud of myself for knowing that reference. And now your reference has made me want to start watching the show that I promised myself i wouldn't get obsessed with.
That's right, sistah, you can't forget about Chuck Bass. Truth be told, I don't know who the other two are, but that Chuck is fiiiiine so I trust you have good taste in men.
Hahahahahah! Rapid fire questions. I would die and probably stumble over answers and then get a lecture or something.
CHUCK BASS? You had me at the threesome, lost me at the foursome.
Damn air mattresses. That happened to me on my Penn State visit, but a friend and I went back out and just bought a new one at Wal-Mart. Floor-sleeping = Painful back.
Oh god – sleeping on the floor? I feel your pain. I'm also in the air mattress club. They sell pumps (they're called pumps, not motors) at target.
I love that your gyno is 106 years old. I would have turned right around and left. You're very brave.
I'm having a similar problem with my air mattress. Mine is an orgasmic love inducing queen-sized dream come true. Its now got a hole in it somewhere, so halfway through the night I'm pissed off and too lazy to blow it back up.
Retard.
just found the blog. i did use the, for a reason. love it! i can not get enough of this rawness,hilarity (is that a word?), and honesty!!!
thank you.
LOL! OMG that was funny. Throw a Danny Goeky and I might join you
I do not get the Chuck Bass thing. I mean, i really, really WANT to get it, because I feel like I'm out of this cool club where all my favourite people are, but I just can't get on board. With that said, my gynecologist never asks questions and looks annoyed when I ask any. I could have a mole the size of Texas on my arm and she would be annoyed if I brought it up. Hmm. Just typing that out makes me realize I really need a new gynecologist. And that I cannot spell gynecologist without the help of spell check.
Also? Matt told me you were amazing.
bahahahahaha you rock.
i love adam. you think he's gay?? NOOOOO
Ouch. sleeping on the floor. That does NOT sounds like fun…
Hahaha… that made me laugh.
My very first gyno visit when I was like 16 was on Friday the 13th. Appropriate.
Ahhh, the ol' air mattress deflated and now I am sleeping on the floor scenario. At least you aren't camping and no rocks or sticks will sneak into crevices, separated only by a thin layer of vinyl.
My 40 year old male gyno told me he wished "more pretty college girls like you" would come in. I immediately questioned his meaning of "come in" then attempted to switch gynos… guess what, my insurance only covers him! Super.
Hahahaha, brilliant. This cracked me up – what a way to introduce yourself to your new gynaecologist! No doubt he'll never forget you
Best post ever. I'm right there with you minus the Adam Lambert. I'm thinking Chuck Bass would by far be the best of them!!
Funny.. You're simply amazing nicole..