In the years since she moved to Arizona, my mother has become notorious for complaining about the heat. I never really gave a shit, being careful to repeatedly point out that of the two of us, I’m the only one who wasn’t dumb enough to move to the fucking desert.
Until now.
Until I’m temporarily living with my parents in the fucking desert and it’s SO HOT I COULD SCALP A BABY.
If, you know, scalping babies could somehow cool me off. And if I wouldn’t have to shave their heads first. And if babies could survive for a bit without their scalps. And if someone could find a way to magically reattach their scalps after I took them off. And if we could be sure that the babies wouldn’t suffer any long-term brain damage that caused them to grow up and start trying to wear leggings in place of actual pants. And if no one told them about the whole scalping thing. And and and STOP JUDGING ME. IT’S SO GODDAMN HOT.
The good thing about the heat (I guess) is that I’ve been doing a lot of laying by the pool. The bad thing about the heat (and the inordinate amount of laying by the pool) is that I probably have skin cancer.
My mom shushes me about the skin cancer, telling me stories about how when she was my age, she used to rub baby oil and iodine (yes, iodine) all over her body and sunbathe nude, surrounded by actual SUN REFLECTORS, and she’s “just fine.”
“Yeah, you’re fine,” I tell her. And she’s all, “no one appreciates your sarcasm” and I’m like, “that’s false, I appreciate the fuck out of my sarcasm” and she’s all, “stop swearing at me!” and I’m like, “you’re so not fine” and she’s all “I don’t have skin cancer!” and I’m like “you can’t be in the sun for more than 10 minutes without breaking out in a rash” and she’s all “that’s because I’m a delicate flower” and I’m like “woman, can we just have dinner already??”
The thing about dinner though, is that in light of the overwhelming heat my mother refuses to turn on the oven. She also refuses to take me out to dinner every night. And so we use the slow cooker.
Her: YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THE SLOW COOKER.
Me: Now who’s yelling?
Her: I put this food in here SIX HOURS AGO! And then I was out all day! And now we have DINNER. Real dinner! And it’s teriyaki steak, except I didn’t have to really cook it cook it because with slow cookers you just throw it all in and it-
Me: Cooks slowly?
Her: {scowl}
Me: No, no, sorry mom. I think it’s great, really. I can’t wait.
Her: And with all the slow cooking, the meat is so tender and juicy it’s basically wet. You wait, it’s going to be the wettest meat you’ve ever had.
Me: {eyebrow raise}
Her: Oh goodness daughter, c’mon now, be less slutty for like one second, will you?
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
haha the heat seems to have gone to both your heads
You two are hilarious, I imagine this will be what my moving in temporarily to my parents house in michigan is going to be like. Only it'll be the cold that does me in, rather than the heat.
I still live with my parents.. in australia.. where it's practically a desert.
I don't have any sorts of conversations like this with my mum.
Hilarious post and great writing style too! Good shit, haha.
Just found your blog – love it! Good luck with the heat! My in-laws were just in Arizona a couple weeks ago and my mother-in-law (a pretty conservative woman), came back and said, "Anyone who tells you it's a dry heat is on crack." Nice.
Hi, I'm new to your blog, but love the conversation between you and your mother. Sounds like the banter I have with my mom occasionally.
Also, my dad did the whole baby-oil-sun-reflectors thing back in the 70s with one of his friends, until that friend actually did die of skin cancer. So, by the time he started having kids my dad was sunscreen crazy, and constantly nags my sisters and I about putting on like, SPF 70.
I can't even explain how much I adore these exchanges.
wet meat??? yay! just what i always wanted.
I appreciate your sarcasm! This post is like a Nicole's greatest hits—leggings as pants, Mom and a quotable one-liner(so hot I could scalp a baby)! You could seriously be a comedy writer. I want what you're drinking…
I had to move in to my parents' house for a couple of months after college…it was brutal. I mean I love my parents. They're fun and interesting and all of that., but after five years on my own, it was more than I could stand. Good luck with your temporary arrangement.
i should have waited and read this one to matt.
my boss tells me all the time that "no one appreciates my sarcasm" and my response is always FALSE, go look on the internet.
lol You guys need to video blog, stat!!
Your mom is hilarious! I think you both should do a video blog together! oh, hey…I guess I second what Kyla Roma said!
get your mother on camera, now! and wear sunscreen, k babe?
Hahaha I wish my mom talked about her slow cooker like that.
Hahaha I wish my mom talked about her slow cooker like that.
BTW I love your blog!
I'm totally going to use my slow cooker just so I can talk about meat being wet and get my boyfriend to raise his eyebrows at me.
this just made my day!
is it bad if I tell you I've been contemplating getting a slow cooker? ohhh me and my midwestern ways!!!! ahh!
because I really thought the only people to use slow cookers were in the midwest. hmm…
Loved this post! Haha.
I'm probably going to get skin cancer too. I keep freaking out about my moles. I can't help it but love the feeling of being sunburned.
Maybe I should get a slow cooker. Cuz it's like Arizona up in my apartment. You can come stay with me when it gets cooler, but, until then, I don't need your body heat. And please tell your mother that if she continued to talk dirty, she's going to be all over the internet. And please wear sunblock. And please call me or something.
Delightful! She needs her own blog right this second!
hahha!! I remember when my mom used to tell me about how she went to Greece as a teenager and got the best tan of her life! I'm like.. sweet ,don't you want to take me to greece now so I can do the same? Yeah.. still waiting for that to happen.
btw- totally googling what the heck iodine has to do wtih getting a tan!
LOL I love it!
haha. This is amazing. One of my favourite things to read on blogs is scraps of dialogue that give a glimpse into personality and everyday life. If they include slow cookers and scalping babies, well that's pretty much unbeatable.
Yummm scalping babies.
Er..i mean, juicy meat.
Oommm or, maybe i mean, "nom nom nom steak"?
Yea, that one.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that has crazy conversations with my mom. The latest one was this weekend when my mom told me she went shopping, went to go to the car, and didn't see. She then thought someone had stolen her car, and told the store she needed to call 911. They reminded her that she came through the other entrance, where her car was. Glad I wasn't there, but seriously, who does that? Only my mom…
Does the slow cooker have a name like Nigel?
"And if we could be sure that the babies wouldn’t suffer any long-term brain damage that caused them to grow up and start trying to wear leggings in place of actual pants."
I just fell the fuck in love with you all over again.
seriously i wish there was a video to document these interactions with your mom, you two are like a walking show, haha. love it.
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA wet meat. I love you forever.
oh this is just hilarious!
Gotta love those slow cookers.
Scalping babies and being called out by your mom for "tendencies"…..lol.
L:ove it. It certainly does leave the delicious after-taste of vulgarity!
Well written and entertaining!
Hahahaha – wettest meat…hahahaha
this is hilarious. i can't wait to quote you on scalping babies comment. awesome.
So you're both hilarious. And I wish I had conversations with my mother like that from time to time. Though we DID have a good talk about sex panties and sex bras when we were traveling together. Yeah. Interesting, to say the least.
Hope you're happy to be out of the heat!
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You and your mom need a reality show, seriously. I'd watch faithfully! People say that about my mom and me, but you and your mom have us totally beat. lol its a good thing tho'.