In some cruel twist of sleepless fate, I’m an insomniac who’s also allergic to almost all sleeping pills. Ambien and the like make me vomit, and so the only pills I can safely take are those over-the-counter sleep aids which, strangely enough, don’t make me sleep as much as they make me totally fucking crazy. Hallucinations, intense and bizarre dreams, hours of laying awake but not really being awake – and yet I take them, because some sleep > no sleep.
Earlier this week, I woke up in the middle of the night hallucinating off the sleep aid, coming in and out of a dream that involved being stuck in a maze and having no feet, when I realized that my jaw was unbelievably sore. Like two-hour-horse-blowjob sore. In my drugged haze, I thought, “I must be grinding my teeth down to the bone, maybe this is part of the maze” and imagined waking up the next morning bloody and toothless. What actually happened was that I woke up the next morning with so much pressure in my upper jaw that I couldn’t chew. A few hours later, I started complaining about pain in my eyes and pain in my cheeks and Jamie was all, “Um, sinus infection?” and I was like, “Oooh, sinus infection” and went to look it up online.
The glory of WebMD and Wikipedia confirmed that my symptoms did indeed equal sinus infection, although the websites also went on to suggest bone cancer and an abscessed tooth and the beginnings of going blind from infection. Which, you know, made me feel so much better and more optimistic about the overall outcome of my future.
Even better than the symptoms section is the home remedies section. According to the internet, I’m supposed to consume an unbelievable amount of garlic juice (apparently garlic is juiceable?), and I should also try irrigating my nasal passage using a syringe and sodium bicarbonate powder. You know, things everyone just has hanging out around the house.
The best though, is the section in which I do absurd things to my forehead:
“Try applying a paste of cinnamon and water on the forehead, applying a paste of ginger and water/milk on the forehead, or applying a paste of basil leaves, cloves, and dried ginger on the forehead.”
Somebody is making this shit up, I swear. Or the internet is being run by zombies who are trying to make my forehead more delicious before they bite into it and suck my brain out.
In other news, I bought yesterday’s Groupon for acupuncture, which I’ve never done and am terrified of but am committed to trying as a last ditch effort to cure my insomnia. And now my sinus infection. And maybe my soon-to-be sticky forehead and missing zombie brain.
I wonder how many ailments can be cured in one acupuncture treatment.
I wonder if they’ll charge me extra for the zombie thing.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, life 2.0
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Totally intrigued about accupuncture, just don’t think I have the ballz to do it myself. My old boss had it done once to quit smoking and had a panic attack of epic proportions right there in the office with all of the needles sticking out of her.
Um.
Not that it’s going to happen like that for you.
If any of it works, please, send some needles my way
I just got an acupuncture hook-up here too – I’m NERVOUS, so I’m interested to know what you think!
Also… I want to lick your face. Except literally now. Especially if you have some olive oil I can swipe on that basil paste you’ve got going on.
Oh, report back about the acupuncture! I’ve always wanted to try it but I’m such a chicken when it comes to new things that involve scary needles.
Hope you feel better soon, I consistently get 1-2 sinus infections a year, usually when seasons change, they suck.
I too am suffering from allergies or sinus infection or SOMETHING AWFUL that makes me want to actually have my (delicious) brain eaten out (heh heh) by a zombie to relieve some of the fog and the pain.
BUT! I wanted to tell you my younger sister started doing acupuncture to deal with some health and stress issues and it helped her SO much. She said it was weird at first but once she got used to it, she found it really relaxing and comforting. So hopefully that helps you!
What if you start oozing something weird during acupuncture? I mean… they are basically sticking you full of little holes… Here’s hoping you don’t leak… too much.
I’ve stopped looking at webMD. No matter what my symptoms are, it almost always says I could have cancer.
WebMD never fails to freak me the eff out. Oh, but if it makes you feel any better, sodium bicarbonate is just plain old baking soda. You might have that lying around the house– but good luck with the nasal syringe.
Go all neti pot on your nose. It really does help the sinuses. And just eat a shit ton of garlic and onions. They really do help.
Feel better yo.
see, I’m just now really beginning to see the magnitude of the whole insomnia thing. Most of my life, I suffered from a whacked out mind and the crazy dreams, wild thoughts and all that, but I slept like a baby my whole life— That was the only time I could get some fucking peace.
Do what you gotta to shut that mind down and get some rest.
My cruel twist of fate is that I’m the palest Irish girl in the world but am allergic to aloe vera. How is it possible to be allergic to THE MOST SOOTHING THING IN THE WORLD? Story of my life.
From a girl who used to get about 7 sinus infections a year? I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I’m so sorry. They are just awful. If you haven’t already, try alka seltzer gel caps (both day & night time) for cold + sinus. They help, I promise.
I’m super curious about the acupuncture so please tell me that you will be sharing it with us via this blog!?
Yeah, the garlic & a neti pot really will help a lot, not comfortable but afterwards feeling better is worth it.
Wikipedia & WebMD are definitely just as terrifying as they are helpful, sometimes even more terrifying than helpful…
I hope you feel better, I really can’t wait to hear about your acupuncture…I have friends that have gotten to try it & tell me it’s the bee’s knees.
“irrigating my nasal passage using a syringe and sodium bicarbonate powder.”
Well, that sounds sorta ridiculous. BUT: I highly suggest getting a NetiPot or SinusRinse and using that to irrigate the nasal passage. Antibiotics don’t actually work on sinus infections because the sinuses aren’t touched by the bloodstream, and these nose-douche things are what both my med-student boyfriend and my doctor recommend. It feels weird at first but it helps a whole lot.
Funny that you seemed to leave out the part where I pushed on your face for 20 minutes.
But, now that I’ve written that sentence out, I realize why you didn’t include it.
What is our life?
You know I am eternally grateful for the two times you’ve laid me down and rubbed my face with your magic fingers.
Better? Creepy enough?
Fuck yeah, my magic fingers.
Um.
Yeah.
Awkward.
I’ve been going to acupuncture for a few weeks now for some knee pain that I’ve had for YEARS and could never find any way to get rid of it. I’m not saying I’m running around doing jumping jacks all the time or anything, but I do feel way less stiff.
Once, he put a couple extra needles in my ears “for stress” and I spent the rest of the day and half the next day feeling drugged. Like quiet, giddy drugged.
So, I believe in it. I think it will help your insomnia.
Also, they’re not like the needles you get a shot with, they’re much thinner and they’re not hollow. Its the teeeniest tinest pinch ever. No pain.
Oh webmd is the best thing in the world if you ever wanted to be instantly turned into a complete hypochondriac! haha And why is some form of cancer ALWAYS in the list of possible things wrong??? “My wrist hurts” becomes “Bone Cancer” ugh
Ugh, everyone is getting sick, it must be this crumby weather! I’ve been coughing up lung-loads of phlegm and Mucinex has been my best friend. Your dream sounded scary– I get those dreams all the time, my “wandering” dreams. Hope you feel better, rest up, eat some soup, and catch up on reality tv!
Yeah, I get this, too, because I have the allergies. But with LA having SF-like weather, my allergies haven’t been so bad yet. Maybe you’re allergic to SF?
Anyway. You need an over-the-counter saline nasal spray and Claritin-D, or some sort of sinus-headache reliever. Then you need Jamie to massage your face. Then you need to visit LA.
Neti pots are good for nothing except remembering what it was like when you were learning how to swim and you kept snorting water all the time and letting it run down your face and burn your eyes except now you have the fun risk of someone walking in on you while you look like you’re brains are falling out of your orifices.
I mean…try it. Might work for you.
Do Eastern cultures believe in zombies or are they just a Western
belief? If they do believe in zombies, then I’m sure the acupuncturist
would be happy to sell you an anti-zombie cream or candle or
dreamcatcher or voodoo talisman. If not, then they will just look at
you all confused like you just asked them to use an X-Ray or MRI
machine. They will think you are the one spewing gibberish as they
poke you with needles to heal your nose, cure your insomnia, help you
lose weight and undo all the damage to your liver.
I’m curious to hear how the acupuncture thing works out for you. The internet is filled with terrifying home remedies. I’m also convinced it is turning us all into hypochondriacs.
I suffer from insomnia as well, and though I’ve never tried perscription sleep meds (every time I go to the DR for meds, she tells me whatever condition I have is due to stress and would be reduced if I carried a smaller purse containing fewer NECESSARY items…) I have tried a myriad of over the counter sleeping pills. Every time I explain to a friend that the over the counters give me wild vivid dreams from which I wake up feeling only slightly more rested and like I’ve been on the adventure of a lifetime, they all look at me like I’m nuts.
I’m glad (and a bit sorry) that someone else knows the pain of the should-be-sleeping-hallucinations. I feel a little less crazy now!
Nicole, i have the same sleeping pills and vodka cycle. Its no fun. Kind of feels like your going crazy in your sleep. My regular heart and BP meds cause visual and auditory hallucinations as well. The only way im making any sleep progress is quitting doctors and finding new ones. Then adjusting meds. I feel your suffering.
The time honored cure for sinus infections is salt water. Suspend as much in the water as you can and when no more dissolves easily you tip your head back and gag it through the nostrils and sinuses. Do it once and its usually over. Its never more than a second time. Thank the ancient Greeks for that one. Always works.
I’m pretty sure the Internet party is being run by Bozo The Clown.
Actually, based on Hypem right now I’m thinking Bozo may have hired a deaf person to DJ that party.
Anyway, acupuncture changed my life. Like literally. It’s a longer story, but it relates to extreme back pain, years, and soccer.
Fuck acupuncture. I say you go with making cinnamon toast for your forehead and drinking the garlic juice. Just so you can blog about it for us.
Is that selfish?
Oh. I just let my 13 year old read this post forgetting about the sore jaw comparable to a two hour horse blow job. Oops.
Listen, you know what a huge little prissy baby I am and seriously, I love the hell out of acupuncture. Don’t be scared. It’s awesome to the power of awesome.
It’s not Jamie’s magic fingers, but it’s damn close. Trust.
I’ve had acupuncture a few times (at a really excellent little place where you first got about 45 minutes of body work, which pretty much means some intensely violent push/pull amazing massage-y business) and then 45 minutes of the actual needley part. I felt wonderful and floaty while the needles were actually in me, but it didn’t do anything for me that lasted beyond that. Though, from what I understand, you really need to do it at least once every week to see any kind of actual effect (and I can’t afford that, even with the good insurance plan I have).
Eating raw garlic — or turning it into juice — is really great for you. As long as you don’t mind sweating garlic for a couple of days. Manuka honey is also great.
Feel better as soon as humanly possible. Or even sooner.
hey nic!! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SICK?!! lame. listen, i have been going to acupuncture for the last 6 months (to regulate my cycle) and it really did help a lot. the thing is, it is definitely not an overnight miracle type of thing. you need to go consistently, once a week is standard. but i think it would help tremendously with insomnia because it’s almost like a forced meditative state. you recognize the fact that needles are in you so you can’t move and twitch and do all the things you usually do when you are lying down in silence, and while at first you brain goes “AHHHH” you suddenly just accept okay this is actually sort of nice and it really is. i always slept better on acupuncture days and that’s not even what mine was technically for.
I’ve suffered from insomnia since I was like three-years-old. I can’t sleep unless I take Ambien (for about six years now) and I hate it…and lately it’s not doing anything for me. I, too, am alergic to everything…and have had horrid waking nightmares from other sleep things.
I’ve been forbidden by every single doctor I go to NOT to go on WebMD. They know me…anything I look up – in three clicks I’m dead. I never just have a headache…and I, too, have read about tooth abscesses that go into your brain…and you DIE! I self-diagnosed myself with one about three months ago.
I go to a sleep clinic next week…wish me luck – the last one I went to the doctor said, “Well, Thomas Edison and Winston Churchill never slept…so you’re in good company.” Yeah…right…they’re both DEAD now!
I’d be interested to know how your appointment turns out, too.
Hi Nicole! I’m Nicole! And I am also wildly entertained by your hilarious blog, so thanks for cracking me up regularly. It’s especially appreciated on days like today, which happens to be the day after one of my best friend’s bachelorette party, which means I feel like death and need comic relief.
Can acupuncture cure raging vodka hangovers??
First of all..acupuncture may help some people, but I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good or relaxing. And one time someone gave me it for nausea and I just ended up feeling nauseous and in pain.
Second, I had a sinus infection for seriously 3 months this spring / summer but because I’m poor I couldn’t go to the doctor so I went to Whole Foods and bought these herbal pills that were amazing and also went to the drugstore and bought saline solution MADE to spray up your nose. It works. Just feels really stupid.
Have you ever heard of a Neti Pot? Everytime I get a sinus infection is works! They sell them at like Walgreens or Whole Foods and while it might freak you out at first…I promise it works! Google it!
” try irrigating my nasal passage using a syringe and sodium bicarbonate powder. You know, things everyone just has hanging out around the house”
Sodium Bicarbonate is just baking soda….
I’m sure you’ve already tried this, but in case you haven’t I love melatonin to help me fall asleep
Sinuses blow. Unless they can’t. Well, I’ve been doing some stupid irrigation thing several times a day to try to help mine and it’s not working, but I still feel like I’m doing something. Keep us posted on how acupuncture works for you.
1) Sodium bicarbonate is simply baking soda.
2) The reason all the directions recommend applying these mixtures to your forehead is that the sinuses are located in that part of our skull. Take an anatomy class, or just Google it.
You know, my girlfriend was absolutely phobic (as am I) about acupuncture, but she went ahead and tried it and now she swears by it. Apparently it’s the cure all–it solve all your medical problems, prints money, and makes your future children look pretty. I hear it also puts a permanent block on WebMD so acupuncture patients no longer come in with self-diagnoses of Ebola Virus.
Let me know how it goes. Jae (the gf) wants me to try it but my blood pressure shoots up so hardcore every time I see a needles that I’m convinced I’ll rocket-launch the needles out of my skin, like a weapons-ready porcupine. But seriously. If it prints money, I’m in.
“Two-hour-horse-blowjob sore”, while vivid, is more than a tad disturbing.
I mean, unless you’re the horse.
ahh acupuncture no no no!
i’m scared of it.
needles are only okay when we’re talking about tattoos, in my opinion.
just get a tattoo that says “go away zombies”. same diff.
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