A weird fact that you might not know about me is that I legitimately want to be friends with every single person who posts to Texts From Last Night. Yes, even the ones who like Jersey Shore and think “your” is the same as “you’re.” Because really? Those bitches are HILARIOUS and even more than being hilarious, they make me feel better about myself because while I’m maybe the most fucked up person you know, I’m definitely not the most fucked up person you could know and that’s pretty much an end of the rainbow pot of self-esteem gold right there.
So these people behind Texts From Last Night – they’re basically my favorite because they’ve single handedly given me repeated opportunities to be like, “SEE?? IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE,” followed by “AT LEAST I HAVE CONTROL OF THINGS LIKE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND MY BOWELS” and other such statements that make me feel spectacularly put together, even when I’m going through my texts from the night before and it’s basically a flow chart of whiskey and hookers and Twitter and whether or not hookers use Twitter while drinking whiskey and the very best part of it all is how it’s anonymous and based on the numbers of your area code so the few times my texts have been posted to the site the only thing anyone knows is that there’s some crazy chick with a 917 area code whose friend got masturbated on on top of a car.
Speaking of numbers, I’ve recently realized that the secret thing about dating is that it’s totally a numbers game and I’m not so great with numbers and this is probably why I’m single.
Because I don’t give a shit about how many days you’re supposed to wait before calling (two? three?), how many dates you should go on before having sex (five? eleven?), how many people you’ve slept with in the past (fifteen? forty two?), or how many people you’ve slept with at once (threesome? foursome?) because my overly anxious and heavily caffeinated brain is just too frantic to care about those kinds of shenanigans and all I want to know is if you’re funny and good to me and free of herpes but it’s all full circle because how long do you have to date someone before asking about genital warts??
Pressure like this is why I read Texts From Last Night and cry with joy and terror at the thought of this being my life:
(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Which brings me to my next point: I’m giving away a copy of Texts From Last Night: All the Texts No One Remembers Sending
{And the winner is… the lovely Carissa from carissajaded.com}
{ 128 comments… read them below or add one }
Uh, Nicole, could I possibly love your blogs anymore?! I don't think so! My goal is to make it on TFLN, but I haven't….yet. Even though I think some of texts are down right ridiculous.
You and I should probably just start sending each other RIDICULOUS texts every weekend and posting them to TFLN. Surefire plan, no?
This just about has to be my Melissa, no? Because, if it's possible, she loves you even more than I do.
Ask her about her Something About Mary moment sometime
Of course it's me! Haha! And Nicole that sounds like a great plan, but Sam's plan sounds horrible. Don't ask me about that at all!
But TFLN made it really easy so now you can just forward them your drunk texts.
I love that you picked my all time favorite text from last night to be your example. Win.
Haha. I love you.
Also, there really shouldn't be so many real-world math applications. I mean, seriously. Numbers = brain hurt.
I love TFLN… reminds me of my college years. It's like reading texts from friends!
It's always nice when other peoples lives make us feel better about our own. That's why I shop at Walmart! Thanks for another great blog update.
Eventually texts from last night will load. I believe this. I will continue believing this. If I can still believe I'm male after all these years, I can continue believing this.
Anyway. Nicole, you don't seem that fucked up, you just seem wonderfully deranged. Of course, I'm from Phoenix, maybe the standards are just different there.
Pick me! I want that book!
I love Texts from Last Night for the same reason you do. I mean, I may feel screwed up a lot of the time but at least I generally know where I am.
This post didn't help me know what to think. twitter while drinking whiskey is good. I wish i had better control of my bowels . If dating is a numbers game then that's why i am single too. Herpes, badddddd. But I also love you and wold love a copy.
YOU need to develop the curriculum for Consumer Math, or whatever you call it. Forget about balancing checkbooks and stupid shit like that – yours are the math dilemmas that matter.
It is literally always my favorite day of the week when I realize that I haven't checked the website for a couple days and there are four new pages of texts. It's the little things in life that truly makes one happy. And that book? Would make me happy for days.
hey wanna have sex
Thinking we need to meet in person….we would get along well. Haha
So totally want this book!
I love Texts From Last Night, I`m not a big texter so I`ll never be in it though , lol
Okay, WHY have I never heard of this website?? It's so my homepage from now on!!
Damn girl, how do you already know me so well when I only recently found your blog? I love free shit, except for herpes. I will pay for that. I do have standards you know. Now I’m off to explore TFLN, since it is new to me…just like herpes! Man I love herpes…jokes.
(206) Swimming home from the Presidio in floaties, a snorkel, and flippers. alcohol may have been involved.
…just a regular monday.
Shenanigans. Favorite word. You. Favorite blogger. TFLN. Favorite website. That is all. Heh.
well if there was ever a time to comment on your blog, this week is it!
I heart textsfromlastnight. It does wonderful things for my self confidence.
what is the number for the texing sex
"Because I don’t give a shit about how many days you’re supposed to wait before calling (two? three?), how many dates you should go on before having sex (five? eleven?), how many people you’ve slept with in the past (fifteen? forty two?), or how many people you’ve slept with at once (threesome? foursome?) because my overly anxious and heavily caffeinated brain is just too frantic to care about those kinds of shenanigans and all I want to know is if you’re funny and good to me and free of herpes but it’s all full circle because how long do you have to date someone before asking about genital warts??"
I seriously and wholeheartedly agree with this paragraph. in fact i was nodding my head FRANTICALLY as i was reading it. it's totally the reason why i love you.
we think the same – you just express it a lot more clearly than i can
Thanks for the new to me link. Holy shit, some of those are hilarious. I'm spewing coffee! And I really shouldn't find that crap funny. I have teenagers. Pray for me people.
TFLN makes EVERYONE feel better about their lives…not just you, don't worry
The best is when you search your area code and see random shit you remember seeing/hearing about the night before but you didn't believe it…until you saw it on TFLN. LOVE it.
I spend too much time worrying if the texts are real or made up. Yes, worrying.
I think I've been on the receiving end of such a text before.
My answer was "on the left".
Apparently, not helpful.
Ijits.
I make a firm policy now ( firm like tea) that I don't EVER read over last s nights texts.
I admit, this is easier when your phone has been stolen by your taxi driver while you're vomiting out the door.
Tip for the day: try not to end the day vomiting. Not that much fun actually.
what a fabulous time suck of a site. i can't get enough.
I WANT THE BOOK! also, 401 is near me, so maybe i know where that dude is? actually 401 is my ex, so if he's lost, that's okay with me. keep texting dude.
I *really* want that book! Does it matter that Im in Australia? I hope not.
Did you know that there's an iPhone app for Texts From Last Night?
You can download it and then you can be all 'See? I told you last night wasn't that bad! Its all here in my phone' as you try to scrape together some money for bail.
Its a no-brainer really.
I love TFLN! So funny! Work is pretty slow on Sundays and between that, Fail Blog, Toothpaste For Dinner, People of Walmart, LOL Tatz, and FailBook I'm set for the day.
Love TFLN. After a particularly fabulous night, I'll search my area code just to make sure the gems I had sent didn't make it to the site.
If you picked me, that would be $15 toward my ticket to CA to come visit, drink wine and possibly (probably) be vaguely inappropriate. What? You actually pick winners on your blog randomly? I thought ppl just said "random" and then gave the book to their bff or boyfriend. Maybe that's just me though…
Being bad with rules and timelines and being a type A personality? That makes my brain hurt too.
I'm not a constant fan of TFLN, but it's only because I'm old and past all that crap. But they are sometimes amusing…
Very cool! Am I random enough? Does it count that I live in Canada, and can win almost no giveaways on the internet? Do the puppy dog eyes I'm making make me more or less eligible?
So many questions!!
I would LOVE to win this book!!! I am pretty sure I would pee myself while reading it.
Iread TFLN every single morning before I go to work. hil-fucking-larious! I would love a copy of the book. My favorite recent one is this one:
(603):
I just saw the nastiest chick.
(1-603):
Where?
(603):
woke up next to her… fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Too funny.
OMG i'm so dying to see that web page! I WANT THE BOOK
though i may be a bit too far away…. but anyways
PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME
Texts from Last Night makes me laugh everytime. There is always a text that applies to my life, whether its about Nyquil and Chocolate syrup or toilet paper. It makes me day!
i've been on TFLN once now, my goal is to make it every weekend, but clearly my life is not ridiculous enough for that mess.
and i'm fairly certain that a few times in college i sent out mass text trying to figure out where the fuck i woke up or for someone to please find me and get me home. ah, college.
My BF LOVES TNLN and sends me all the "best" ones everyday. So entertaining.
I love reading Texts From Last Night and looking for my area code…that way I know that I'm at least better off than a few people around here. I came home with my underwear, without vomit in my hair AND I know where I am. Kate WIN!
Man, I love Texts From Last Night, but I have the opposite response to it: it makes me think, dude, I need to get out and live a little! I'm such a square! Then I remember that I opened a bottle of wine with a screwdriver a few mornings ago and am like, eh, even trade.
My favorite EVER text from last night: My mouth tastes like poor choices.
Although the mass text is coming in a very, very close second.
First of all, I NEED THIS BOOK.
Second, I am the same with this dating numbers game.
Nicole, I was recently introduced to your blog via a friend's Facebook post, and I'm already in total, complete, undying, unabashed love with it! Now a post about TFLN… amazing! TFLN helps we waste at least an hour a day at work and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with a, probably unhealth, obsession with the site!
Man, sometimes I question the validity of TFLN because it's so effing good. I love those people.
I want this book BAD! I love that you're a rebel with the no rules thing.
I have made it my personal goal to get one of my own texts on TFLN. The only way to accomplish this is to get drunk as much as possible. So really, it's win-win.
well, I'll take it. if you pick me.
*insert whiny “pick me! pick me!” comment here*
*add “because of being house poor and stressed because fucking mortgages make me feel unable to buy books.*
*end doucheyness*
TFLN is a lot like watching "Cops", you just feel better about your life and life choices after reading / watching…
Haha… I love your run-on sentences. And also how each post is titled with something, something and something else. It's very clever and makes me recognize exactly whose post I'm reading in Google Reader, which is helpful because sometimes I read a whole post without actually looking at the tiny blue name at the top and then I'm like, "Shit, I have no idea who just said all that, and context really would help when I'm reading about 150 different people's blogs every day."
Hahaha… that site is hilarious, and so is the post! Love ya Nicole!
I can't imagine anyone not letting you have the STD talk with them. Unless they have STDs. Because then they know they are about to get crossed off THAT list. Not that you have a list. Well, not that kind of list. Unless you do. I have a list, but only two or three of them are realistic goals. Everyone else is just wishful thinking. But you never know, and if what you never know happens then I totally have a spot where I can check Jared Leto and Laila Ali right off that list. So that makes me awesome.
this book would be hilar- that's right.. i just abbreviated hilarious. but it is a fact.. and they should start putting abbreviations of words in the dictionary, they're used so often that they're basically words. regardless, love your blog too.. i'm always excited to read it when it shows up in my dashboard
I puffy heart you.. And texts from last night, because just when you think your life is bad…lol
TFLN is one of the joys of my day. Mainly because I'm always happy to see that one of mine didn't end up on there, and that I obviously am more sane than the ones that do. LOVE it.
You? type A?
get the fuck out…
Do you treat your blog like a therapist, as in any time you go to a therapist they have you do all the talking and all the say is "Mmhmm" and "How does that make you feel?" and "You can pay my receptionist with a check or credit card." but you get all the benefits of talking, without having to pay someone? But I'm not saying you need therapy, because you are really funny and I like your style and your ability to discuss hookers and genital warts in a way that they are completely unrelated to each other…which is pretty impressive.
Numbers are lame, and boys need to learn that after investing x amount of hours (and z of those hours being hours spent "sleeping") into a relationship that "I just don't see you in my future" is not an acceptable excuse. Now who am I going to have Nerf gun battles with?
TFLN is so wonderful– yet I just can't help but feel that they missed out on the prime of my [college] life. Anyway. Yeah.
(864):
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?"
According to Wikipedia, you're in Rhode Island. Sorry I can't be of much more help, but it's OK, cause even <a href="http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-10258.html"Waldo gets lost every once in a while…
well poop – that should have been "…cause even Waldo gets lost every once in a while…"
TFLN totally made my workday bearable at my last job. I got the ENTIRE office hooked over the summer (except for my boss, I doubt he'd have appreciated the humor. Or the fact that I wasn't doing any work). LOVE that site and WANT that book!!
Maybe I'm not as cool as I thought. Before your previous post about TFLN I hadn' t heard about it, but now I can't visit it too much or I will spend the whole day there. BTW, you are now my lifeline to all things cool.
Haha I love TFLN. Count me in!
"good to me and funny and free of herpes" – my only 3 criteria in a man!! NICE!
I lose hours of time on that site.
(530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I SO WANT THAT BOOK. You know, it'd go great on the new coffee table I have yet to get. And there are so many other comments I want to leave about this post, but I'll just leave it at this:
GFW. There are no rules there.
I watch Jersey Shore for the same reason you read Text from Last Night. I feel incredibly competent knowing that I can go out to a bar, get drunk, and NOT get punched in the face by a guido. It's the little things that count.
Oh oh oh!!! Me me me!!! I heart TFLN!
Ha. I love that site. Unfortunately for me I never have idiot friends who text me random shit like that. It makes me feel lonely.
Ok here's one of MY favorite TFLN's for you. It reminds me of you for some reason:
(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh god, I love that site. And this one.
Nicole I just found your blog today and it is quite hilarious. I bet you've contributed to TFLN on more than one occassion? Am I wrong?
Haha, I too love that sight because it makes me feel less like a failed human being! You know what you should do, pay some high school monkey to twitter texts from that book to you, CONSTANT reaffirmation via @Schaudenfreude. Excellent idea, n'est-ce pas?
401 is Rhode Island. LOLZ. That is where I am from.
AMEN, girl! I have TFLN on my BlackBerry, and I laugh about it to no end. I too, suck at numbers. But really? Eff all the rules.
Love your blog
Hahaha I just went on the website at work and it is NSFW – there are American Apparel ads with naked people all over them!
I found this one and sort of liked it:
(609):
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
(1-609):
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
(609):
ravioli
Hey Nicole, I gave you an award over on my blog! Congrats!
Um, can I just say I do the same thing after reading texts from last night the morning after I'm suffering from the worst hangover in my life, and making sure I am not THAT GIRL.
Even if I was, I probably wouldn't admit it…
TFLN is pretty much amazing, but I had to stop visiting the site daily because I would get lost on there for hours…
lol Texts from last night. I love that website. I didn't know they had a book on the way. I'd love to win a copy.
First time poster! Long time lurker! Would love to read that book! PICK ME!
remember that time you and matt took a picture where you looked like a synchronized airplane?
me too.
it was awesome.
Remember how Matt & I are feeling a lot of pressure to top that picture at the 2010 Bloggers in Sin City??
I like how you changed the area code of the 'mass text' to protect you're identity… yeah, I'm on to you
TFLN purely exists to make me feel so much better about my poor life decisions and to make me laugh. A lot.
at least someone got it right:
(813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Yes please, I would love that book. Who doesn't use TFLN to increase their self esteem only to throw it all away with a night of drunken debauchery and then end up on TFLN and then feel even better about yourself because you ended up on TFLN.
Also, your blog makes me write in run on sentences, and I kind of like it.
Hahah I love it! Unfortunately I've had several text messages make it to that damn site!
After reading some on that website I feel like my life needs some more drunken scandal in it…
I love love love tfln too! It totally makes me feel better about my life. Fmylife.com is also good.
TFLN is a total ego stroke. I love it. More More More!
Ok I am sitting in a restaurant by myself because I missed a ferry and can’t get home for another 5 hours and pissing myself laughing and routinely feeling superior as reading TFLN. Thank you for being you and when are you coming to Canada to ride the Olympic bobsled track? It’s only a few hours away …. Maybe they would let you sing during the opening ceremonies or something.
I think that the following line :
"I’ve recently realized that the secret thing about dating is that it’s totally a numbers game and I’m not so great with numbers and this is probably why I’m single."
Is my new motto!
My other new motto is "I will take a free book but I would much rather have More is Better" or maybe thats more of a Epigram?
PS – It's not easy loving you over the interweb, could you try standing closer to the window? Please.
Thank God TFLN makes someone else feel better about their life… I want a copy of the book!
RT @Helen_Keller Looooorm. LOOOOORM! Chift.
i've found my new favorite website
So I went to TFLN for the first time in months. For some reason I thought it was really lame before. Or it was a different website. Or a string of the lamer texts. Anyways, I totally lol'd. I think I could totally have fun reading that copy, and maybe writing post-its of what people said and leaving it on people's car. Might that be too weird?
This is my favorite one at the moment:
(270): He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
(1-270): Does God suck his dick?
So I just discovered your blog tonight and it is already becoming one of my favorites. You are so hilarious and I can't wait to read all of your past post as well as your future ones.
Btw, the day I discovered I could subscribe to TFLN with Google Reader was one of the best days ever.
You rock! Thanks for a) making me laugh and b) forcing me to check out TFLN. I found this gem of hilarity:
"He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock."
You introduced me to TFLN and I feel like a good amount of those texts could easily have been hacked from my phone at one time or another….. reading the site gave me that warm nostalgic feeling. I figure it's like, a place to go and see what I was probably up to on all those nights I can't remember. Also- very comforting to realize that while I know I got into some crazy shit a few couple dozen times at least I know I wasn't alone in my 'shenanigans'. Also wanted to tell you that your 2nd to the last paragraph in your 'how to be a woman' guide is me. right where I am. right now-at that point of realization. I can't tell you how much reading that someone else has been here too comforted me and helped me feel like i was a little less insane. thank you. really.
You are NOT stressed out all the mother fucking time! You are just fucking you. Go with it and enjoy. You bring life and joy to this world that others can't possibly imitate. By the way rules and timelines suck! Keep being!
I'm good with numbers and I'm STILL single. What the eff. Maybe it's the herpes. #idon'thaveherpes #stuffsaidforthesakeofaterriblejoke #ITWASLOGICALLEAVEMEALONE
…
#everythingisbetterasahashtag
And, BY THE WAY, as your most favorite commenter I think it's a no brainer where that book should be headed.
I have to say, I am very, very, VERY glad that my drunk and stupid days were pre-texting. Because I still cringe from the memories, and those I can generally tamp down with meds.
Wait, so you aren't supposed to have sex after the first date? I'm doing things completely wrong! Haha.
Woo Hoo – pick me, pick me. I'm actually on my knees begging right now. Okay, that's a lie but I'd do it if you wanted and would give me the book
Ha!
Amazing as always, Nicole.
Also, I'm trying to imagine the movie that they end up making about what goes on in your brain. It's like there's a goddamn jet engine strapped to your cerebrum.
And YES, I looked up cerebrum.
Maybe the numbers game only matters to some boys, just like it only matters to some girls. We clearly just need to find the boys that don't give a shit about stupid rules and who don't care about calling you 5 times in one day and 0 times the next day. LIFE FUCKING HAPPENS and you can't always be counting shit when it comes to your communications with someone else. What if I hang out with someone but don't remember? Does that count as one? Who cares?? Also, you shouldn't have to wait any amount of time to ask about genital warts. That shit is no joke. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
About numbers, I think it's all bullshit and there's no rule for anything. Even when people say: wait 2-3 days before you call, if you meet someone you really like and you wait for so long (unless you made a very strong lasting impression) you risk the chance of hearing on the other hand of the line: Who are you again??? At least send a text the next day to keep in touch.
I think the rule is before you have sex with them…..
This is my new favorite website.
I LOVE that shit. Anything that makes me feel better about my life is a win!
Seriously your blog is hilarious…i probably should not read while at work but really? fuck it….anyway you inspired me to start a blog (http://saralynpitts.blogspot.com/) because really who doesn't need to hear about my random crap?!?!? Anyway thanks for decresing my work production but increasing the laughter
Have I told you lately how incredibly hilarious you are? Texts From Last Night hilarious. I fell theway you feel about those people about you. VEGAS BABY!
Oh snap! 116 comments, well, 117 now that I am leaving this. How do you pick a winner? Close your eyes and throw a dart at the screen? On second thought, that may not be a good idea.
I'm with you on Jersey Shore making me feel better about myself. Since the show ended, there's a hole in my DVR that just can't be filled.
Sign me up for the contest! Love that website.
Nicole! My life is ruled by numbers. I am even in a relationship and I totally fuck myself over with numbers. For example, it's been 15 minutes since my manfriend responded to my text messages. It's been 7 days since I actually saw him, and 5 days since I've had sex. WHAT THE FUCK AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR IF THIS ISN'T ABOUT NOW NOW NOW AND I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON!! For serious though (crazy people can be serious too), I stress myself the fuck out too. Every day. Because if I don't make such and such number for salary then I can't move in 5 months which means that I'll spend 12 months beating the crap out of my emotional being wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Then I'll spend 6 hours in bed watching crappy movies and feeling sorry for myself.
You know what's worse? I work in accounting. WHAT THE HELL!
Anyway, the people in "Texts From Last Night" are the people I wish I had time to be if I wasn't spending so much time with the numbers from hell.
P.S. Rule of thumb, you should probably just ask about the genital warts right off the bat, during introductions probably.
I love texts from last night – when I'm bored at work I tend to read them but the issue comes in when my boss is all 'Kelly what's so funny?' how do you tell your boss A) that you aren't really working and B) you're laughing at someone's text about going down on a dude and falling asleep or something like that? That website is brilliant and I'm even more excited to hear there is a book!
I just found you (via The Bloggess) and then you introduce me to TFLN and wow you rule! I loves it thanks =D
I am also really bad with numbers and deadlines, yet incredibly type A. What this means is that I usually just end up crying and drinking in the corner, which really isn't all that bad. Except for the part where I still don't get anything done AND I'm hungover.
"(510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen."
Ahh I just saw this!! I've been away from the internet for the last few days so I'm not sure when you announced the winner! YAYYY!!!!! I'm so excited!! What do I do!?
i want a text from you or topless pics or email or something