Sometimes I hate things. Like broccoli. And scented deodorant. And horror movies. And forgetting to buy toilet paper before I run out of toilet paper which means I’m forced to choose between using a really rough paper towel that makes my vagina angry or those tiny little cotton squares we have for makeup removal that aren’t at all big enough and sort of fall apart and get stuck to my body.
I also hate Halloween. Not for any actual Halloween-ey reason, but because it’s a holiday that entirely revolves around girls dressing like whores or girls talking about how much they don’t like Halloween because Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores.
And I hate surprises. Like, I really really hate them. I know some of you will disagree with me about this and be all, “But surprises are so fun!” and I hear that and I’m glad you like being blindsided by random things but I’m a control freak so actually no, for me surprises aren’t fun because I don’t know how to react to them and the entire process of “here’s some shit you didn’t know was coming but are now forced to deal with” is the opposite of fun.
Like, yesterday? There was this big loud knock on our door and I’m like, “Who is that?” and also, “Shhh” because it’s just unnecessary to knock that loudly on a door to such a small apartment but I opened the door and was all kinds of friendly because it was the UPS guy and maybe he didn’t mean to be so loud but is just a little deaf from driving around in a truck with no doors all day. Or, maybe the UPS trucks do have doors but they’re always open which seems overly breezy and wildly dangerous and I know, I know, they probably leave them open like that on purpose because it’s easier to get in and out so many times without something in the way and that’s what she said except not because that one was too easy. Like your mom.
So, UPS guy hands me this big box and starts angrily lecturing me about how he was waiting outside our apartment complex for ten minutes because we’re not in the buzzer system and I tried to explain that we don’t have a landline and therefore we can’t be in the buzzer system and he keeps cutting me off and telling me that if I’m getting a package I need to track it diligently and leave the front door open because he doesn’t want to wait for ten minutes and I’m all, “I didn’t know I was getting this package in the first place and therefore didn’t have the tracking number and also people close that door all the time” but he kept going and kept cutting me off and he was so unnecessarily rude about the whole thing and it hurt my feelings because I was already having a day with too many feelings and in case you didn’t see my tweet, here is what I’ve learned recently:
Getting involved with people = feelings. Feelings = fucking nuisance. Getting involved with less people = having less feelings = better.
I’ve also learned other things, like the fact that my life is now in a permanent default state of weird because the mysterious UPS package wound up containing two inflatable sex dolls, a male sex doll and a female sex doll that were sent via Toy With Me because my assignment for Monday’s column is to write about a threesome with a male and female sex doll and yes, this is seriously what’s on my weekend agenda and then tomorrow I’m taking my first ever fire dancing class and so I leave you with a big hug and a, “Bye!” and an, “Enjoy the next few days!” and a “Please keep your fingers crossed that I don’t die as a result of some strange mishap with dancing or fire or inflatable sex dolls or some as-yet-unknown combination of dancing and fire and inflatable sex dolls.”
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
Do me a solid. Set me up with a video feed of your entire life. I am fascinated.
Considering I’m the husband of this apartment, I should have stepped in, quite authoritatively, with this UPS guy and been all, “DUDE. THIS IS MY WOMAN. SHE DID NOT ORDER THE MALE AND FEMALE BLOW UP DOLLS THAT ARE IN THESE PACKAGES. STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.”
And he’d be all, “?????”
And I’d say, “Hi, I’m Jamie. Would you like to come in for a glass of wine? A fivesome with me, my wife Nicole, and the his/her sex dolls that you’ve so dutifully delivered? No? Oh, well, that’s too bad. AWAY WITH YOU.”
I like your style!
To avoid major catastrophe, do NOT bring the blow up dolls to the fire dancing class. Melted blow up doll plastic anyone?
That UPS guy was a jerkface.
LOL! First of all, I’m sorry about the freaking-out UPS guy; that was a little uncalled for, even though I can kinda sympathize with his frustration.
And, um, have fun with your next few days of… um… adventure!
hate halloween too but because it’s become a hallmark holiday and lost its terror and edge.
sucks about the ups guy. usually they’re so delicious in those form-fitting brown shorts.
can’t wait for this toy with me post! hope it’s a vlog.
This is a test vagina.
Also, the UPS guy was a massive tool. I’m making sure he has lots and lots of bad karma.
I’m TOTALLY with you on the surprise thing. Surprises are bad, bad things, even when they’re good.
I hate surprises too…although a set of blow-up dolls might be the kind of surprise I could actually enjoy. Unless there was a rude UPS guy involved.
“I know, they probably leave them open like that on purpose because it’s easier to get in and out so many times without something in the way and that’s what she said except not because that one was too easy. Like your mom”
Well played.
You.
Are.
Hilarious.
More specifically: “… because that one was too easy. Like your mom.”
UM.
I don’t know how anyone could ever be mean to you. Because you’re cute & sweet & that guy sounds like an ass. Also, this made me laugh & I want to see these dolls when I come visit you in a week & a half. But please clean them off first, thanks, love ya, bye.
Wow. Your UPS guy is a complete douchebag. They don’t even call me. But then again, I live in a house.
But yeah, I’ve found it’s easier to just not have emotions. It’s served me well.
I read somewhere that UPS drivers earn approximately $70,000.00 per year and those that work OT can sometimes make up to $100,000.00 making that UPS driver an even larger douchebag than he already was.
Ha ha… You are a trooper, for realz. Hang in there babycakes…..if anything you are VERY entertaining. The UPS guy is going home to his sad, sad life.
Screw.
Him.
With a deflated blowup doll.
Ha.
UPS guys are generally jerks because they have ridiculous standards to live by. They have to have their deliveries done in a certain amount of time or they get reprimanded, so that’s probably why he was such a pain in the ass.
Don’t forget the massive amounts of parking tickets!
There are so many things about this post that I want to snuggle with and I don’t even know where to start.
1. Surprises are not fun. They are either BAD or AWKWARD and awkward is probably the most positive outcome one can hope for. I mean, okay, maybe there are GOOD surprises and I do like those, but unless it is a GOOD surprise, I do not want it.
2. That UPS dude was a giant douchewaffle. I feel bad saying things about UPS because one of my favorite uncles was a delivery driver for a million years and he’s got a super nifty pension now and he was actually a GOOD UPS driver and apparently they just hire shitty people now and I hate them most days and occasionally FedEx too because they are ALL out to screw with me, but, anyway, I feel guilty, because, you know. FAMILY.
3. Feelings are a pain in the ass.
Yay fire spinning classes! I hope you’re going to the Temple of Poi to learn? They are awesome. You’ll have a blast. Let me know if you’d like to meet up with a total strangergirl who comments on your blog and practice poi in a park in SF somewhere.
That *is* where we’re going! Yes! Not sure how into this I’ll get, but it would be totally fun to meet you regardless
Cool! If you end up into it, we can practice poi. If not, we can still meet up and drink. OR perhaps drink and then practice poi. I have this weird idea that you might enjoy some of the amusing/amazing Burning Man-related parties that go on in SF. If not, it’s a spectacle at least. SO MUCH WEIRD.
Yes, yes, yes. Please introduce me to all the weird.
Duly noted. I’ll keep an eye out for some Weird, and send you an email. You can’t fling a neti pot without hitting some Weird in SF, but it takes a special kind of weird to be really FUN.
I agree. Feelings blow and we shouldn’t have any. Hmpf.
I am so with you on the hating scented deodorant! There is one kind of unscented deodorant I have used for years. It is now almost impossible to find this in any drugstore/Target/other establishment that sells that sort of thing anywhere around here. They have the same kind in all of these places, but not the unscented version. And, I’m sorry, but I do not need my armpits to smell like chai tea (what the fuck is up with that particular scent option, by the way?) or rainforest fresh (?) or weird floral combinations or ocean breezes or any of that bullshit. Don’t lots of women wear other scented things — lotions or perfumes or what-have-you? Wouldn’t you think there would therefore be more demand for unscented deodorant that will not clash with the other scents you might be using? *sigh*
When you review the sex dolls, can you please make sure to mention specifically why a girl would ever use a female sex doll? I don’t get it…and not in a “I don’t get homosexuality” way but in a “I don’t get the mechanics of it” kind of way. It seems like it would be the same as licking a latex balloon…or rubbing said balloon on some body part. Or using the girls hands just like you would use a special dildo.
I can kind of imagine the threesome going well for you and the male sex doll, but the female ends up sitting in the corner just watching. And yes, I just said the male sex doll will get pleasure out of the experience and the female will be jealous because you’re a real person and all with actual feelings.
Can’t wait to hear about your experience with 2 blow up dolls! Must have been quite a scene opening that up unexpected haha
Wow… Just… Wow. I’m sure I’ll be swinging by to read more!
The last time I got a male sex doll and a female sex doll in the mail was also for research with threesomes.
And by ‘research’ I mean ‘I may need an Intervention.’
My UPS guy doesn’t even knock, he just pretends like he did and leaves a note on the door saying he couldn’t deliver the package, even when I’m home and can hear the truck pull up to the house and then leave again without anyone ever ringing the doorbell or knocking. I think all UPS guys* are douchebags, just in different ways.
(*Full disclosure – I used to work for UPS)
You know for someone with such a crazy devil-may-care lifestyle I am surprised to hear you are a control freak. It adds layers to your previous posts once unbeknownst to me. So, now, quitting your job is like eleventy times more desperate, couchsurfing for a few months eleventy times more drastic and moving to SF on a whim eleventy more courageous. I foresee you embracing the spontaneous part of you more in the future and with your mad social skills, I see you handling it so spectacularly that I wish I was you. This was another great post that has so many layers. Before I run out of space. I love that your vagina is so anthromorphic. I foresee an Angry Vagina cartoon now on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network. Also, what’s with girls and not buying toilet paper? My friend does the same thing. I make it my mission to replenish her when I visit. Er, that’s what she said.
Ehhmm……I’m kind confused on how a threesome with two inanimate objects is going to work?
I’m glad someone else hates Halloween and surprises.
So…for the male sex doll, do you blow all the parts up together or, um, separately?
This cracked me up. I’m looking forward to the review because I, too, can’t figure out what you do with two inanimate objects.
awesome threesome; you get to control everything!
I to am not a fan of surprises for more or less the same reason. None of my friends seem to understand that surprises are almost always not good. The example I always use (being a straight single male) “Surprise she has a dick!” No, that would not be a good surprise…
Did the UPS guy wear shorts? DID HE WEAR SHORTS?!?!!
I’m still confused why in the mail delivery sector you are allowed to wear shorts but everywhere else you’re not. It’s like they’re the anti pant brigade.
NICOLE!! A delivery guy yelled at me last night because HE HAD TO RIDE IN THE ELEVATOR UP 4 FLIGHTS instead of me coming down.
I hate everyone.
I’m having a hard time visualizing this 3-some. Not to mention, why do I have a feeling the dolls will have more fun than you?
Dude, UPS guys are ALL SERIAL KILLERS.
I become convinced of this when I received an envelope in the mail, and it had a message written INSIDE the flap that read, “Brittany, Let’ s Meet.” Proof: http://appreciahating.blogspot.com/2010/01/stalkers-at-ups.html
No joke. STAY AWAY from the UPS guy. Or get a taser. One of the two.
I bet if the UPS guy had just known there were sex dolls in the package, he wouldn’t have been such a jerk.
Also, I’m thinking “Getting involved with people = feelings. Feelings = fucking nuisance. Getting involved with less people = having less feelings = better” would make a really good forehead tattoo for me and make my life a lot easier.
not one, but two blow up dolls? i have a feeling that story/video is going to be epic. and ridiculous. but mostly epic.
Kind of sounds like a bad porn plot.
UPS guy? Check.
Delivering a “special package”? Check
Angry sex involving aforementioned UPS guy and multiple blow-up dolls? Check
Your life is like the craziest mix of randomness, spontaneity, and hilarity. And I love it. I will never, ever be mailed a male AND female sex doll and be encouraged to have a 3-some over my weekend, but dammit, I can live vicariously through you.
And also, I can’t wait to hear more crazy-ridiculous stories in Vegas. Over wine.
I sure do hope you have a bicycle pump or something ’cause you’re going to lose consciousness doing all that blowing. Plus you’re going to have to inflate them, too.
I get buzzed by package delivery guys all the time. I suppose this is in “other duties as assigned” in my apartment management contract. It bugs the crap out of me because I WANT THE PACKAGE FOR ME. I’m greedy like that. But yes, many delivery guys are in a huff and can be quite curt and rude.
I just…don’t know what to say about the sex dolls, etc. except that I can’t wait to read that post.
“Getting involved with people = feelings. Feelings = fucking nuisance. Getting involved with less people = having less feelings = better”
YES. Agree completely.
I’m totally cool with surprises that include jewelry for me. Engagement rings not included. Other than that, not big on the surprise either.
You should call UPS about that a**hole. Seriously, file a complaint.
I cannot wait to meet the dolls. And see your chocolate vaginas. (Please don’t give them away before I get there.)
There is so much to comment about here, but I’ve decided to focus on the Halloween thing because I had to start somewhere. I used to HATE Halloween, just like you, and honestly I still kind of do if I’m dating someone at the time. Because the guys I date are all “Oh, let’s match, it’ll be cute” or “Oh no, you can’t go as Robing Sparkles because nobody will get that.” Well, screw the people who don’t get it. It weeds out the people who don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, and I’m not sure I want to be friends with them anyway.
So, my extremely rambling point is, use it as an excuse to be ridiculous or hilarious instead of slutty and it’s more fun. I’m sure you and Jamie could come up with some pretty hilarious “couples” costume that doesn’t suck.
Also, if you don’t watch HIMYM, I’ve already made an exception for people who write awesome blogs. I know you’re really relieved. You’re welcome.
Last unannounced package I got I was convinced it was a bomb or anthrax and it smelled of perfume so it may have been a mail order bride.
OMG you are a crackup Nicole. I can’t wait to see what you write. And Jamie, you are an equal crack up. I really enjoyed having you in class the other day. next time though, bring the blow up dolls — promise i won’t burn them up!