I take my phone with me to the bathroom. Do you do that? Is it just me? Am I the only one who’s self important enough to think that the world will explode if I miss a call during the minute and a half that I’m going to the bathroom? I honestly don’t know why I think I’m that important. That people simply cannot wait a minute and a half to have their vagina related questions answered via email.
(Yes, I get a lot of vagina related questions via email.)
The phone on the toilet thing though, it can go one of two ways. It can either make for the best thing ever when you’re at the airport and you see on Twitter that a favorite blogger of yours is at the exact same airport at the exact same time and you meet up and realize that you’re flying to the same city and you’re able to change your flight and get on her flight and you’re even able to get seated next to each other and it’s a Twitterific love story.
But then there’s the opposite of that, like when you’re sitting on the toilet in a public restroom in Vegas and you’re so drunk that you forget you’re on the toilet and you start scrolling through Twitter and you read a ridiculously funny tweet that’s probably only funny to you but you’re laughing so hard that you fall into the toilet because the seat is up and you were too busy being drunk and paying attention to your phone to realize that the seat was up when you sat down and so you’re stuck in the toilet and you drop your phone and it slides into the stall next to you and you can’t even text anyone to come help you get out of the toilet even though it’s the phone’s fault you’re in there in the first place. Or maybe it’s your own fault. Or maybe it’s Twitter’s fault. Yeah, let’s blame social media for the fact that I spent the entire rest of the night wearing a wet dress.
But do you know when social media is amazing? Like actually amazing? When you’re buying lunch at Trader Joe’s at 1pm on a Thursday and you see a girl that looks exactly like your best friend from second grade and you whisper to your roommate that you’re totally positive that that girl over there is Carrie from St. Luke’s and your roommate is all, “You can’t possibly recognize a girl from second grade” and you’re like, “Fuck you I totally can” except you don’t say “fuck you” because you love your roommate and “fuck you” is a not nice thing to say but maybe you think it just a little bit because you know yourself and your wildly ninja-ish memory skills. And then you get home and then you eat lunch and then you check your email and then you see that she messaged you on Facebook because she recognized you too and then and then and then you think “THIS IS WHY JESUS CREATED THE INTERNET.”
You know why else Jesus created the internet? So I could learn about products like Camelflage, a special type of panty with an insert sewn into the crotch area to hide cameltoe. Except I think the real reason that the internet exists is so I can make the following public service announcement:
Instead of spending $19.99 on a single pair of underwear to hide your grossly visible vagina lips, how about you just wear pants that aren’t so fucking tight?!?
This is why I should be queen.
HI CARRIE
Update: Carrie and I are having a breakfast date in a few days. Chest bumps for the magic of the internet.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
YOU MADE US SWEAR to not say anything about you falling into the toilet and then you BLOGGED ABOUT FALLING INTO THE TOILET!?!? You’re special.
Your memory astounds me. We’re walking in Trader Joe’s and you’re so dead hooker swat-like that you pull me around to the wine aisle while using this covert hand motion and I swear to god, I thought the POPE WAS IN TRADER JOE’S.
Then you’re all, “That’s a girl I knew in second grade!”
And I actually just exploded onto the wine aisle because really? Second grade? I can’t even be sure I’d recognize my third grade teacher.
HI MRS. YANG
MAMBO CARRIE
Whatevsies, “fuck you” is totally a nice thing to say, I say it to loved ones all the live long day.
And I’m definitely a phone taker inner to the bathroom-er…because yeah, I might get that ONE text or call that’s like, We’ve hired you to be entertaining for a living! You get paid $39240823 and you never have to worry about money or benefits or taxes EVAR AGAIN!
Or…the sad truth is that sometimes, at work, I just hide in the bathroom and text for fun. Sad sad sad existence.
I always take my phone to the bathroom. It’s my little escape hatch at work…I sit in the stall and play games on my phone!
I ALWAYS bring my phone with me to the bathroom. How else am I going to text my best friend about the AMAZING deuce I just dropped?!
I’m worried to take my phone into the bathroom because what if I pull a Jerry and the Toothbrush episode and it accidentally falls in? The chances of that happening increase when alcohol is added.
dead hooker toilet fall for the win. well not win, but most ridiculous story ever. well not most ridiculous of that weekend but it’s up there.
“Fuck yer day” is a standard greeting/phrase of endearment around the filthy artists I know, so why not “fuck you”? “Fuck” is such an expressive word.
1. No, I don’t take my phone. I’m always sure I’ll drop it in the toilet. 2. Holy crap do you have a good memory! Second grade! 3. I figure since you went to a school called St. Luke’s you were taught to assume that Jesus invented everything?
I can’t believe you went to Trader Joe’s at 1 in the afternoon and didn’t get trampled by people who want organic yet cheap trail mix.
I could only do my shopping there at like 9:30 at night because any other time and I would want to throw numerous boxes of “Organic O’s” at annoying hippies who hit me with their carts or grabbed the last olive loaf.
Wow, I’m impressed! I can barely recognize people from my grad school program and I’m still in it!
Yes, I bring my iPhone in the bathroom specifically so I can read this blog and other surfing the internet things (reading other blogs and ESPN.com).
You want to take this to the next level? Ask your male friends how many have brought their laptop into the bathroom utilizing their wi-fi to surf the internet.
Great post! I don’t take my phone with me to the bathroom unless is is truly an intense conversation. What about taking your laptop with you to the toilet? I know people who do that.
I bring my phone into the bathroom with me all the time. Sometimes you need reading materials.
1. I don’t think there is anything much grosser than sitting bare-assed on public toilet rim…except maybe falling in afterwords. Bravo to you. You’ve once again raised the bar.
2. Al Gore created the interwebs, not little baby Jesus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpxtKcLSFWw
Ah, be careful with the phone in the bathroom because my friend has dropped hers in a toilet not once, not twice, but three times! So guard that phone and be thankful it fell into the next stall and not into the bowl!
This reminds me of the time my boyfriend decided to make me test my theory about the dangers of him leaving the seat up when I was visiting — that I would pee in the middle of the night, not realizing the seat was up and fall into the bowl. Yes, friend, he made me sit on the toilet with the seat up. And guess what the embarrassing conclusion was? Not only did I not fall in, but I did not fall in because my a$$ was too wide to fall in!
I thought we were NEVER telling this story!?!
You remember a girl from second grade? I can’t even remember the face of the first guy who went down on me. And THAT was a special day.
Why do women always think they should hide stuff? I’ve recently launched an advertsing campaign on my wife to convince her that it is ok (and in fact preferable) to let her bra stras show.. especially when wearing red or black bras.
Oh and yes, Always bring the cell phone with me though only for texting. I’m not taking a call while sitting on the jon.
That remains one of the more awesome universe moves. Phone flush and all. Universe said “Hi girls! You’ve been saying largely inappropriate things to each other for years. It’s high time we put you side by side in a little plane during turbulence and let you play with photobooth together!” And by that I mean, I miss you terribly and don’t know if I can wait till October to descend on your Bay city.
I take my phone in the bathroom with me.
I play Sudoku on it.
Then I yell, “WHERE DOES NUMBER TWO GO?!” and about 3 seconds later – FOOM – total privacy.
I’ve fallen into a toilet before too. Not all the way, but close enough that even when I’m drunk I do the hover over the toilet thing. I guess because I’d rather fall forward INTO the stall door than backwards into my own pee? Doesn’t really make much sense either way really.
And here I always thought Al Gore invented the internet. Holy Jesus, who knew??!?!
Amen to that, no camel toes!
I’m the same way – I’ll totally remember a face forever! I spent half of 4th grade in California and half in Oregon (so this would be 1995). Last August I was in Constitutional Law and realized that one of the girls sitting across from me? Totes in my 4th grade class. Hadn’t seen or talked to her in almost 15 years, and somehow we go to the same law school.
Also, epic fear of falling in the toilet. UGH.
“Instead of spending $19.99 on a single pair of underwear to hide your grossly visible vagina lips, how about you just wear pants that aren’t so fucking tight?!?”
This comment alone *almost* makes me want to give up my title…..
No I do not take my phone into the bathroom with me. Always a book. Or a magazine or a flyer. I know, it’s not okay. Makes me sound like a middle aged man. Whatevs. I would totally recognize each and every person I went to Grade 2 with. Photographic memory muthatruckas.
Big ups and mad props to no camel toe.
Sorry for the lingo. It’s late. I hate camel toe. Like, how is that even comfortable. Poor little clitoris must take a beating.
AMEN to the tight pants thing. It seems so obvious. If your pants are wedged up your vag? Too tight. Not cool.
I’m not sure taking your phone into the toilet is a bad thing. I’ve now reached the stage where if I don’t take it with me I get a little bit bored…
I take my phone to the bathroom. Incase I run out of paper, I can call someone to bring me another roll.
I also bring my phone in the bathroom but my sister tops it … she brings her laptop in the bathroom, ALWAYS. You’d think the thing was attached to her body …
I give them big ups for the name Camelflage though. That’s gold.
By the way, To Kiss the Cook is amazing, thanks for linking. Although you should only link to her with a warning, something like: “DO NOT READ THIS BLOG ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, OR REALLY ANYTIME BEFORE DINNER, BECAUSE YOU WILL CONSIDER EATING YOUR STAPLER OR CUBICLE NEIGHBOR IT WILL MAKE YOU SO HUNGRY”