scheduling issues, the best ever vibrating cock ring, and a high five to people like me who can’t spell the word “quadruple” on their first try

On days when I’m irrationally stressed out, I take a few minutes to sit quietly and play the “this-would-be-worse-if” game until I calm down. You know, that game that’s supposed to put things into perspective because you realize shit isn’t that bad after being all, “This would be worse if I was in the middle of a tornado” or, “This would be worse if I only had one leg” or, “This would be worse if I were allergic to cheese” or, “This would be worse if a wild horse charged through the door and kicked me in the face while peeing all over the floor.” Usually though, the game ends when I think, “This would be worse if my vagina looked like some of those weird vaginas in sketchy porn movies where the clit is long and stretched out like a baby penis.”

(No, I don’t spend a lot of time looking at baby penis. I mean any time! I don’t spend any time looking at baby penis! Shut up. I DON’T. I’m just saying that I’m grateful for my normal vagina okay that’s all thank you amen.)

Seriously though, I think it’s pretty safe to say that my vagina is my favorite thing in existence. And yes, I know I’m supposed to say “vulva” instead of vagina because that’s anatomically correct but the word vulva makes my insides die a little bit so I’m just going to keep saying vagina regardless of what you and your judgey mcjudgerstein friends think.

Because my vagina is special. So special, in fact, that it even has it’s own schedule. I’ll be sitting down to make plans for the week and I’ll have to be all, “Wait, which sex toy am I reviewing on Tuesday?” and “When’s my Brazilian waxing appointment?” and “Do I have time to try the Vajacial?” (an actual 50 minute facial-like spa service for the vagina that’s being offered here in San Francisco).

It’s basically come down to my needing a separate planner just for my vagina. I swear that bitch has a more active schedule than I do. Like, over the past month it was “Must use the sex swing!” and “Must take a road trip to Oregon to cross another state off my Sex in 50 States List!” and “Must charge the $109 cock ring that the gorgeous people at Babeland sent me!” Oh, the ever exhausting horror.

JUST KIDDING. ME SO LUCKY. THIS THE BEST VIBRATING COCK RING EVER.

It’s like, imagine the best sex you’ve ever had. And then imagine that that sex went to the gym for like eleventy hundred hours and got even sexier. And then imagine that that newly pumped up sexy sex also brought you flowers wrapped in brown paper. And then imagine that that newly pumped up sexy sex remembered to get you flowers more creative than roses and also threw in a massage, an iPod shuffle, and sixteen very sincere compliments. That’s sex using the LELO Tor.

No joke, this thing has six different stimulation modes and some are fast and some are slow and some are pulsing and OH MY GOD THE PULSING MODES and it’s so easy to use and the crazy things holds its charge for like two fucking hours and and and seriously I think if I had sex with someone while he was wearing this thing for two entire hours I’d be dead from too! many! explosive! orgasms! Also, after a little research I learned that “Tor” is a name from Norse Mythology, so you might as well be having a threesome with your man and a Scandinavian man. Or your dildo and a Scandinavian man. Or, well, I don’t know the details but there’s definitely room for a Scandinavian man in there somewhere. Yum.

Did I mention that I love this sex toy? And did I also mention that I love Babeland enough to have signed up for their affiliate program (see sidebar) and that if you ever decide to buy sex toys you should do it through this link so that in turn, I can buy more tequila?

ORGASMS FOR YOU + TEQUILA FOR ME = WIN WIN SITUATION

Sidenote: If you live in NYC or Seattle, you should seriously take one of the workshops offered at your local Babeland store. They’re amazing.

Double sidenote: Babeland should open a store in San Francisco.

Triple sidenote: I’d totally get trained to teach said workshops.

Quadruple sidenote: I don’t have anything else to say here, but I really just wanted to see if I could spell the word “quadruple” without needing spell check. For those of you who added a “t” in there somewhere: high five, me too. For those of you who added a “t” in there somewhere and who also continually try to add a “p” to hamster and at least twelve unnecessary letters to the word “privilege,” let’s all remember that even though we’re shit spellers, this would be worse if we had tiny baby penis clits and if I didn’t have the LELO Tor.

See? ALL BETTER NOW.

Posted in: babeland sponsorship, love & naked stuff, reviews & free shit, the vagina monoblogs