sarah silverman, brisket, and more emails from my insanely awesome internship with the bloggess

In case you missed it, I’m interning for Jenny of TheBloggess.com. One of my assigned tasks is to make Sarah Silverman be her best friend and to get Amy Sedaris to acknowledge her.

In pursuit of this, I suggested that maybe she follow Sarah Silverman on Twitter, because Amy Sedaris hates babies and life and doesn’t have Twitter, but Jenny was all, “I’m afraid if I follow Sarah first she’ll always have the power in the relationship. She’s totally the kind of person to be all ‘You followed me first, loser’ and even though she’d say it in a charming way we’d both know she’d be right.” And I was like, “Dude, TRUE!” and Jenny was all, “I think we need to break into her house.”

Here are the emails that followed:

From: Nicole
To: Jenny
Subject: Amy & Sarah

Okay, so it’s settled. We’re breaking into Sarah Silverman’s house. In preparation, I’ve done some research. Here’s what I’ve learned, in no particular or even mildly coherent order:

1. Sarah likes playing internet Scrabble.
2. She really likes playing against Alyssa Milano, who lives in her building. This is both excellent and horrible. Horrible because it’s notably harder to break into the kind of apartment building that houses at least two celebrities than it is to break into a single family home. And excellent because Alyssa Milano is pretty hot and maybe we can do a two for one and I can make out with her while we’re inside the building.
3. In October, shooting wrapped for the third season of Sarah’s show, The Sarah Silverman Program, which obviously means it’s funny and people like it and that there will be a fourth season. So I’m thinking that after we break into her house, she might want to use that as material for the show. And then we can be guest stars and reenact it. And we’ll probably be so good that we’ll get even more famous than Sarah, and they’ll boot her off and rename it The Jenny and Intern Nicole Program and then Sarah will be trying to break into our house, which, yes, means that you and I will be living together but we’ll have so much money that we can just live in our own houses on opposite sides of one enormous compound. You can definitely bring James Garfield. You can maybe bring Victor and Hailey. Depends on the size of the compound. And the space demands of James Garfield.
4. Sarah went to NYU. I also went to NYU. Maybe we can hack into a database of NYU Alumi? We would do it nicely though, while wearing all purple in support of a school that’s so gay, their colors are purple and white and their original mascot was a Fighting Violet, which isn’t even a real thing because violets are flowers and how big of a pussy are you if your weapon of choice when going into battle is a fucking violet?? But maybe they have her home address. Or her bank account information. Or both. Leaving us the option of either climbing into bed with her or taking her for all she’s worth. Or, again, BOTH.
5. Apparently, Sarah doesn’t drink alcohol. I just.. I don’t really know quite what we do about that. Because on one hand I’m thinking we totally write her off and start stalking Chelsea Handler instead, because you know that bitch has the good pills, but then on the other hand I think she’s probably an enormous lightweight and it would be pretty easy to spike her lemonade and get her fucking wasted enough to just let us into her apartment, no climbing of the fire escapes required.
6. Sarah claims she’s not getting married until same-sex couples are allowed to do so. I don’t really have much to say about this except for the fact that I’ll TOTALLY pretend to be a lesbian if it will somehow mean you get to be best friends with Sarah. As long as I get to pick my girlfriend. And as long as it’s Alyssa Milano. Shit, or the chick who plays Sloane on Entourage. Or Helen Mirren. What? No? Fine. Ageist.
7. Sarah won a Creative Arts Emmy for writing the song “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” making our new plan pretty easy. Let’s make a video called, “We’re Fucking Sarah Silverman” and send it to her people. Or leave it playing on repeat on her big TV after we go through all the trouble of breaking into her apartment on a random Tuesday just to find that she’s not home on Tuesdays because that’s the night she goes out for pork dumplings. Except that she’s super Jewish. So maybe she’s at a circumcision party or something.

Okay. I’m off to research Tuesday night circumcision parties that cater to a celebrity audience.

Peace out lady.

**
From: Jenny
To: Nicole

This is kind of meant to be because a few weeks ago Alyssa Milano tweeted something about me and I think she’s following me too so all I have to do is find a way to ask Alyssa Milano if we can use her apartment to break into Sarah’s.  I assume they live right next door to each other since most apartments put the celebrities all in the same area and they probably share a bathroom window so we can sneak in that way.  Then we make a brisket in Sarah’s oven so when she comes home it smells scrumptious and she’ll be all “Who let you bitches in here?  Where’s my gun?  Why are you wearing my clothes?  Wait…is that brisket?”  Then we’ll be all “Yeah, it totally *is* brisket.  Let’s eat, new best friend.”  Then we eat and we laugh.  Nothing is more disarming than a brisket. Also, we need to bring enough brisket for Alyssa too but she’s tiny so like maybe just a quarter pound more.  Also, we need a recipe for brisket.  And a brisket.

My only issue is how do I explain all this to Alyssa Milano through a series of DM’s that don’t make me seem like a crazy person. Maybe I should just ask her if she likes brisket and then show up at her house?

Also, I don’t like to travel and I’m not sure if I can even fit through a bathroom window.  And I don’t even know if they sell brisket where Sarah and Alyssa live so I’m going to have to bring my own brisket from Texas. Last time I was on a plane they wouldn’t even let me bring my tweezers. How the hell am I supposed to get a bloody cow chunk in a cooler onto a plane?  That seems way more dangerous than tweezers.

This whole thing might be too complicated.

**
From: Nicole
To: Jenny

You know, maybe we ARE over thinking it.

Maybe I should just go stand outside some really famous, tourist attracting building in the nude, with “I WON’T GET DRESSED UNTIL THE BLOGGESS AND SARAH SILVERMAN ARE BEST FRIENDS” painted on my body. I could even add, “AND ALSO I’D LIKE FREE MAC & CHEESE FOR LIFE AND FOR SOMEONE TO GET WITH THE DAMN PROGRAM AND CURE CANCER ALREADY,” just for good juju.

Do you think we could fit all of that on my body? I can come to Texas first and let you fatten me up on brisket. More body fat = more surface area for painting, no? Wait, does brisket make you fat? Cookies do. I can eat brisket AND cookies. But maybe not together because I’m pretty sure I’d throw up and bulimia is definitely not part of this plan. And also I’m terrified of vomit.

Oh, and they let *me* take my tweezers on the airplane a few weeks ago without a problem, so I’m thinking you’re being discriminated against and can probably sue the shit out of someone. Which will help when you need to bail me out of jail for all of this public nudity.

Posted in: nicole the intern, wtf?!