So the other day I was thinking that my life is pretty perfect, and that the only thing that could make it better would be getting a puppy.
I had borderline orgasmic visions of playing with said puppy, walking said puppy, cuddling said puppy, and generally allowing said puppy to be cute all over my life. Needless to say, I was uncontrollably excited. Excited enough to frantically Google “NEEDPUPPY,” and Google was all “Did you mean: NEED PUPPY FORMULA?” And I was like, “what the fuck is puppy formula?” and Google was all “Here’s how to make your own puppy formula,” with corresponding instructions about mayonnaise, sterilized water, and bringing it all to body temperature, and I was all “My body temperature? Or the dog’s body temperature? Do I need a thermometer? WHERE DO THEY SELL STERILIZED WATER?” And Google was like “If urine is sterile, why do they tell you to drink water to clean out your system?”
And I was like “FINE, you WIN. I clearly have no business getting a puppy.”
Which lead me back to the original topic of how satisfied I really am with where I am (literally and figuratively). As usual, this sporadic thought train ended with my coming to the conclusion that crazy people like me might never be satisfied, and that there’s always, always the tendency to land squarely on one’s ass in the middle of “the grass is greener” syndrome, questioning, well, everything:
What if I dropped what I’m doing and moved to another country? What if I took massage classes? What if I learned another language? What if I tried to sell my greeting cards? What if I started dating chicks? What if I didn’t spend my evenings Googling useless shit about puppies? What if I changed my hair?
What if, what if, what if.
By that point, my brain had all but exploded so there was nothing left to do but pour myself a giant mug of whiskey, sit in the dark, and panic over the fact that “I CAN’T CHANGE MY HAIR. I mean, it’s my HAIR, you know??”
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, quarter life crisis
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
whoa. just whoa.
(ps don't cut/change your hair until you've thought about it for a minimum of two weeks. nothing good will come of that.)
I'm sorry, did you just offer to cut my hair? Haha
Nice writing style. Looking forward to reading more from you.
Chris Moran
Priceless. You've just inspired me to stop thinking and go the hell to bed, or my giant mug of whiskey will be next!
"What if I dropped what I’m doing and moved to another country?" I've taken to the saying: Same Shit, Different Hemisphere
OK first of all? Reading this blog first thing in the morning was probably the best idea ever because I've never laughed so loud.
Second of all BUY WIGS! Trust me. That's whole lot of possibilities for you without any regrets.
I have a bright pink wig from a few Halloweens ago that gives me the WORST HEADACHE ever. But bright pink hair is pretty f*cking sweet.
hahahahahahahahahah BEST POST EVER. i will think of this and laugh all day. Because: ME TOO. ME TOO AT EVERYTHING. I also NEED PUPPY and have a bad bad bad bad bad bad case of grass is always greener. AH.
I F*cking love this post.
I f*cking love YOU.
I'm pretty sure I do the same thing, and G's all, "Please, calm down and remember where you are right now." I think it freaks him out a little…
Love ya.
Luckily if you have a dog you do not have to do all that crazy bake your own dog biscuit stuff. Still, OMG puppies, while cute, are SO MUCH WORK. I am SO GLAD we adopted an adult dog. But we still CALL her puppy. That helps, right?
Since the weather has been so nice I've REALLY wanted a puppy too. There's a dog park just down from our apartment and I when I see all the other dogs there playing with their owners it makes me want one. Then I remember I can barely take care of my cat and myself and I am so not ready for another pet, not to mention the fact that we live in a tiny apartment!
you crack me up. but what's wrong with changing your hair?! (ducks to avoid a smack over the head)
Haha, this is a great post. And changing one's hair should NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, be made on impulse.
Thinking. It's terrible. And I totally want a puppy! And now I'm off thinking again.
Also, I impulsively change my hair pretty frequently and I haven't had any recent freakouts. This is good.
hehe, this was awesome. i sometimes ponder those same what if's….what if i move to a different state, what if i go back to college, what if i quit my job and start new somewhere else, what if i would work out & lose weight…..
Don't get me started about how bad I want a dog. That's still over a year away for me.
And avoid talking about alcohol around my throbbing head. How is it 2:30 in the afternoon and I still feel like shit?
Um, by now you totally know this, but THIS – all of this – is totally why we're lovers and soulmates. I will lick your face in (:::consults countdown calendar on my iPhone dl'ed SPECIFICALLY for this purpose:::) – 31 days!
i've been having that 'what if' chat with myself about everything lately, it's sort of driving me crazy.
I have a dog right now, but it is my roommate's. I am moving in 3 months, and I REALLLLLLY want a dog, but I don't think I have a schedule that will work. It sucks.
Hair grows. Change is good.
This might be my favorite comment of all time. So simple, so true.
HAH. This is awesome. Every now and then when I see the CUTEST PUPPY I'VE EVER SEEN I get all, "I want a puppy. I NEED a puppy" and then someone reminds me that there's not that big a difference between having a puppy and having a real baby (except for all that pregnancy ugliness) and I'm all "okay fine. Maybe in 10 years then".
ROFL. Your head and my head would get along really well, and clearly come from the same Crazy. Let me know if you figure out a way to stop the locomotive thinking.
HAHA! I swear puppies are NOT that hard. pinky swear
First time reader, first time commenter. (I'm good like that.)
My general stance is that all women should take massage classes and move to another country — provided that country is Canada.
Oh lord, how I adore you Nicole. This post made me laugh out loud in the middle of the coffee shop I'm sitting in.
EVERYTHING is better with a puppy.
I need to cut my hair but then it's soooo long I really dont know what to do. I want a hair like Whitney Port with pretty long locks. What to do what to do
Ha, if I make the decision to take up massage in Canada, you'll be the first to know. I mean, I'll need people to practice on, no?
I want a puppy! Maybe we can share one Nicole. That way you can make me do the dirty stuff like clean the poo and you can play with the cute little puppy! Hahaha
Oh, Nicole, I love you in 54 million ways. I'm so glad you didn' t jump up and get a puppy. Not because you wouldn't be a great puppy mama, but because what you need is constant stimulation and change – and you find that for yourself without the tremendous responsibility and expense of a puppy. The puppy that will weigh you down when you want to throw everything in a backpack and take off for wherever in the world that the moment strikes you, you know?
OK, done being all practical motherly.
Very well written. And hilarious, too! Truly publish-worthy!