You should clearly know by now that I’m interning for the deliciously hilarious Jenny of TheBloggess.com. Here’s our latest round of emails:
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
Did you have the best birthday ever? Did one of your cult members send you the cure for the common cold? If not, we should probably start recruiting new cult members.
From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern
No, and in fact I suspect it was a cult member who gave me the cold. Look into poison recipes. Something that goes well with cookies.
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
The thing about poison recipes is that there are so many more of them than you’d ever imagine. Like, did you know that everything is basically poisonous and that there’s at least an eleventy thousand percent chance that we’re all going to die from accidentally ingesting the wrong thing? Those might not be the exact stats. I’ll get back to you.
In the meantime, we should probably discuss the ricin recipe I found, which is apparently some really deadly thing you can make with beans that will burn your skin off. Or kill your first born child. Or turn your vagina purple. Or something. Anyway, below the recipe there’s this guy who states in the comments section that he needs poison, but then goes on to clarify that it’s not for a human and only for a coyote and I want to believe him but he wrote the comment at 3:24am and seriously, who the fuck is scouring the internet for poison recipes at 3:24am if it’s not part of some elaborate plan to break into one’s neighbor’s house while they’re asleep, kill them, and steal all their furniture?
So I’ve been doing hardcore poison research, right, Googling shit like “how to make poison” and “what’s the most deadly poison in the history of poison” and Google is giving me SO MANY ANSWERS and trying to get me to mix shit together that I’ve never even heard of, like wisp stalk caps and wormwood leaves and every now and then there’s something I recognize, like venison, and I’m all, “Seriously? Like the deer?” but Google doesn’t have anything good to say back to that because Google hates Bambi and is probably just afraid to admit it.
The Bambi thing was more or less when I started to wonder about the government and Big Brother and whether the stuff we search on Google is recorded somewhere and added together to create a profile of who we are and oh my fuck if this is happening, Obama totally thinks I’m a serial killing porn addict with a fetish for Sarah Silverman.
And I know, I know, none of the above relates directly to your original question of what type of poison goes best with cookies, but I’m thinking that instead of finding a poison that will bring out the flavor of the cookies we should probably just do a two-for-one and bake the poison right *into* the cookies. It’s so much easier to poison someone via warm and delicious baked goods. That cunt in Snow White totally should have thought of that.
So here’s the plan. I’ll bake two batches of cookies, one with poison for whoever gave you that damn cold and one to bribe Obama with so he doesn’t come after me for my pornographic and murderous ways. Only I’m going to have to keep the political cookies separate from the poison cookies so as not to accidentally kill the wrong person. Maybe I’ll buy two really cool cookie jars? Or one totally boring and normal cookie jar and one badass cookie jar like this Mr. T shaped one that on one hand makes me SO HAPPY but on the other hand makes me all, “Um, you have to remove the top of his *skull* in order to access the cookies.”
Life is full of such agonizing trade offs.
From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern
Now if someone close to you accidentally gets poisoned those internet searches are totally going to fuck your defense. I’d recommend emailing everyone you know to remind them to avoid poison if they love you because otherwise you’re probably going to jail. From now on you should go to the Apple store to look up that sort of thing. Same thing for sending out death threats and voting for yourself in contests. I think this might be the first valuable thing I’ve actually taught you. My God, I suck at having an intern.
Posted in: nicole the intern
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Yay! First to comment! I pity the fool that mess with Nicole's cookies….I hear they're damn good…
Also, I will visit you in federal jail…..
There is a scene in the movie Hannibal that is kinda like this.
Sounds like you learned percentages from Randy Jackson.
Dude. Dude. You're overthinking it. Mix cyanide with almond extract (it already tastes like almonds!) and mix it in some tea, then invite yo' mortal enemies over to a Teatime Of The Inevitable. Plus, that way no delicious cookies are harmed in the making of someone's mortality. Win/win!
I would have assumed she wanted the poison baked in from the beginning….
FYI for you and That Kind of Girl – cyanide does not tast like almonds. It makes a dead body smell like almonds. Two completely different things…
Maybe you should set up a Paypal donation button for your bail money when the Secret Service or FBI come to cart you off to jail.
Walt Disney is totally doing a face palm move in his grave.
I'm a total hypochondriac, so I'm constantly googling weird medical conditions and bizarre symptoms. If the government is following my search threads, they're going to think that I'm carrying some mutant strain of monkey-Ebola laced with seven forms of cancer and the plague. They won't bother sending the FBI after me…I'll be shipped straight off to the CDC.
It’s so much easier to poison someone via warm and delicious baked goods. That cunt in Snow White totally should have thought of that.
I think that these are the two greatest sentences in the history of sentences.
Cyanide makes corpses smell like ALMONDS?! ::scribbles into notebook::
If by "weird," you mean "insanely amazing," then sure.
Hear, hear! I always knew that's what it meant when people said that.
I hope that the government isn't tracking your googling habits. They may be concerned. Though judging by the amount of information to be found by googling, I think they should be more concerned with that.
Btw, on the almonds subject, totally wrote about that in my blog a while back. I wanted almond milk and found out bitter almonds and water makes cyanide. So not only does cyanide smell like it, you can make it from that. Or say says Wikipedia. They may have lied. I'm no doctor or poison expert or almond or cyanide expert. They don't have degrees for that. Sadly.
By weird, I mean W.I.N.C.
I think my Google profile would be so much less exciting than yours. It'd be like "how to find that one independent coffee shop where they serve nothing but black tea and cupcakes and don't use plastic if they can help it and maybe have free yoga classes on the side."
Oh my god, the hippies here have already gotten to me.
I sincerely hope you're not planning to fly anywhere soon. Especially with food. Also, you are my new favorite commenter. In fact, would you like to be my new girlfriend? Don't tell my wife, though. I'm only officially sanctioned to flirt with baristas and grocery clerks
Mr T cookie jar!!!!! Why the fuck do I not already own this? Soon my life will be complete, come on Ebay.
Cyanide totally smells like almonds. I refuse to believe otherwise. As for YOU, AreYouKiddingMe, I'm beginning to doubt whether you're a REAL SCIENTIST. >:[
Anyway if you leave potatoes in the sun so they turn green, the green is cause by a reaction that produces a nerve agent. The potato is closely related to deadly nightshade. It's like the retarded cousin that is bland but nourishing and Irish for some reason, rather than badass and deadly and actually has deadly IN ITS NAME for chrissakes. So yeah, how 'bout that nightshade.
Also wolfbane, but I only know that because of Redwall. All these poisonous plants have super badass names. I think I might be the kind of dude who would eat wolfbane just on the offchance that it would give me wolverine powers. Or Bane powers. Not that Bane has powers, other than "drug addict."
Now I'm thinking about Batman, and can no longer provide productive input to the conversation other than maybe an awesome story about Hermaphrodite Doris Day and her adventures with Adam West.
i heart you. like wo. that is all. i also heart cookies, so feel free to send some non-poisonous ones my way with a side of your mac and cheese and a bottle of wine. yes that would be lovely.
I totally have the Bel Biv Devoe song "Poison" stuck in my head now which is kind of awesome.
Oh, dude, now it's stuck in MY head….hey that IS awesome…
I'm trying to figure out who's weirder: Nicole or her followers.
I'm pretty 50/50 right now, but get the feeling that if I check back this afternoon, I'll be persuaded by the additional comments to go with her followers. Scary…
When you find the right poison to compliment a cookie, let me know. I have some baking to do
people race to be your first comment? your too celebrity for me
Um, if my thoughts went on these thought rampages, life would be so much more entertaining. Ah, well, will just have to live vicariously through you.
You know the fact that you wrote "Obama" and "poisin" in the same post has put you on some kind of list, right? You don't want to be on that list.
You intern for The Bloggess?!?! I flippin love her! You're one lucky beeotch.
I wonder all the damn time if the goons are reviewing my internet usage and if they are totally getting ready to come flying through my windows and arrest my crazy ass. But that still doesn't stop me from looking up kooky shit on google.
My grandmother made the BEST poison cookies.
The fact that cyanide supposedly smell like almond makes me extremely nervous.
On the other hand, the cult member could love almond too and you can fool him or her by saying it's chocolate chip cookies with almond mixed in it. Clever, no?
goodness me – this post made me snort with laughter.
um…..willing to share the poison cookie recipe? pretty please?
Wait you don't have a fetish for Sarah Silverman?
I feel so….lost.
I would also like to poison the person who gave me this cold… However, as it was probably a child I work with, that'd just be wrong.
You have the best unpaid job!
Betcha google will buy some cookies to control the deer population. Or you can bribe them to rid your searches with them. I think they can easily be bribed. Good luck.
My friend is in biology and CONFIRMS that bitter almonds are poisonous. They are very similar to regular almonds and I'm sure it took some trial and error before they figured out the difference between the two. However, he often has his studies lead him towards certain facts and the rest he confirms on Wikipedia, so uh, we could still be debating Wikipedia-provided information here.
As for the comment about a suntanned potato being a retarded cousin of poison, it really makes me want to start a potato family, now that I already know how exactly to retard one of the cousins. Thanks you guys, I was kind of bummed not having any plans this week.
You never fail to make me laugh.
Then smile.
And then learn something (like looking up weird things from computers at the Apple store)
Um you did not tell me you are interning for the BLOGGESS!!!!! wow. wow. wow. So jealous
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