So, here’s my deal. I like to schedule Brazilian waxing appointments right before really stressful events.
It all started in college, mid-hyperventilation over my Food Microbiology and Sanitation final, when I suddenly had the God-like idea to schedule a Brazilian wax two hours before the test. The logic here, clearly, was that after getting all the hair ripped from my vagina, how bad could the damn test really be?
At first, I worried that this plan was a serious contender for the folder of “things that seemed like a good idea at the time.” Like trucker hats. And fat-free cheese. And being a prostitute for Halloween.
Except that actually? I’m a prodigy because this waxing thing worked. Anytime I got to a really challenging question on the exam I’d be all, “Relax. Remember how you had hair down there and now you don’t? YOU’VE GOT THIS.”
So it became my thing. Moving across the country? Get waxed before getting on the plane! Emotional holiday shenanigans with the family? Wax before Thanksgiving dinner! And on and on.
Brazilian waxing for anxiety management. I should totally be on Dr. Phil.
Anyway, I have my appointment all set up for 2pm tomorrow, because at 4pm? I have a phone interview for a job that I OH MY GOD WANT SO BADLY.
Like… CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK.
And I’m nervous for the damn interview. Which is superb for people who, at their calmest, talk at least sixteen times the speed of everybody else. But I’m thinking a solid “lift your legs and hold your skin tight!” will chill me the hell out. Plus, it’s a phone interview. Which means I don’t have to wear pants. It means, actually, that I don’t even have to wear panties, and that I can basically go full frontal landing strip on this woman while still maintaining my wonderfully charming and professional demeanor on the phone.
God. It’s like the brilliant ideas just don’t stop.
So the job. I’m not going into detail about it because I’m pretty sure that would be bad juju and yes, I’m totally a juju person and you secretly are too so just stop right there with all the judging. What I will say is that the job is in the San Francisco area. And that the plan is to move up there sometime before the end of the year.
I KNOW RIGHT?! Decisions, they happen quickly in these parts.
When I told a friend about it yesterday she was all, “Why San Francisco?” and I was like, “Um, why NOT?” and then she was totally silent, which means I won. Or it means that my fucking iPhone dropped yet another call. But either way? I’m moving to San Francisco (and I got an A in that Microbiology class) so I’m pretty sure that I do, in fact, TOTALLY WIN.
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if you move to san francisco, we all win. meaning me cuz then i have a new friend in a city that i'm determined to live in some day. i'd wish you luck on the interview, but i seriously doubt you need it. you're going to make that interview your bitch, pants or not.
Flippy – some day we'll both make it there. Nicole! San Francisco rocks the house!! It's on my list to live there SOON. With my good friend, flippy.
And all the best on your dream job in San Fran! Fingers crossed you'll get it! (But only one cause two is bad luck).
except now i feel guilty for not just saying it, so GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Let's just hope you can stay clear of back-to-back stressful situations, lest anal bleaching becomes your only coping device.
Good luck with the interview!
This is actually really terribly brilliant. I've got my very first brazillian scheduled for next week and I had ACTUAL nightmares last night. But now I'm going to look at it as a stress-reliever, not stress-causer!
Oh and also good luck!
Okay here's the sitch – one, you're my hero because I could never say va-jay-jay on my blog because all kinds of super-important people in my career read it and I don't want them to think I'll start talking about waxing at our next new biz pitch or much worse, I don't want them imagining me with my legs behind my head at the next biz pitch. So that being said – I live vicariously through your blog and sometimes forget to punctuate.
All seriousness aside – you're clearly a genius. And a doctor. And a fortuneteller. Why? Well, since you're a fortuneteller you already know what I'm going to say so I don't even have to say it.
Google "how to rock a phone interview" in case you need tips from yours truly. But sounds like you've got a game plan for that already – with or without pants. And that wasn't a shout out to Matt Chevy, either.
In short, I love you tremendously and good luck.
"Brazilian waxing for anxiety management. I should totally be on Dr. Phil."
I'll give you a straight mouth-kiss if you make Dr. Phil blush.
Ok, who am I kidding? I'll straight mouth-kiss you right now, Kiki.
Okay number 1: GOOD LUCK! and number 2: Do you REALIZE how close San Francisco is to me?! I would not longer be uber jealous over all the LA bloggers with their closeness and ability-to-have-dinner-anytime-ness. Because we're building a blogger army in the bay area. Ohhh yeah….
i've been overwhelmed the past two weeks and if only i had sought out your dr. phil-esque brazillian advice sooner! im on it.
and good fucking luck tomorrow!
I read this as "good luck fucking" and was like DUDE!
hahaha anyway, love you. Fingers crossed. xoxo
I know cool people in San Fran, I'll tell them you're coming when you get the job.
Would you go with me for my first Brazilian wax?
Would you also help hold my skin?
Thanks!
Word of advice — don't wax right before getting on a plane if you don't have time to shower first. Stickyyy.
Second, GOOD LUCKKKKK with the interview! Even though San Francisco is way freaking far away.
One: CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK YES YES YES. About a thousand times.
Two: I love, hate, and blame you for this particular addiction.
Three: By all means, PAINKILLERS.
This is seriously one of my favorite blog posts ever. I love it. Good luck!
Why San Francisco? BECAUSE IT IS PERFECT.
Also, here's a confession: I've never had a Brazilian wax. But you've sort of made me want one.
you = teh awesome
Good luck! San Francisco is ah-maz-ing (though I'm sure you're quite aware of that).
PS I love your idea about bikini waxing – maybe I'll try it for law school exams.
Good luck with the interview! I've got a Brazilian once. 2 words: Mexican hair.
No bueno.
Food Microbiology and Sanitation ??
Ummmm – we have a lot in common. Were you a nutrition/food science major too?
Good luck. SF would be great for you. xo, L oh and ps. if you're ever in the area again I have the best place to go to. I swear! 3 pulls and you're out! (http://www.pinkcheeks.com)
hey did my comment not go through? dang it!
Ever think of going natural and just rocking a big ol' bush?
Anyways. A buddy of mine has a phone interview with the LA Lakers (his dream job), and before the interview, he sent them a box and a note. In the box was a band-aid, a head band, and a tissue. The note said "If you hire me, I will give my blood, sweat and tears for this organization". I haven't heard from him, so I'm assuming he didn't get the job, but it's a good idea anyway, I think.
I have juju about traffic, weather and health. Actually, just typing out traffic, weather and health makes me think that I've completely screwed myself.
Hope you get the gig! Break a leg!
You're awesome. Good luck with the interview!
Break a leg my dear!! You give excellent phone, especially in your post-wax bliss (?) i'm sure. fingers crossed for you!
Wow. You know… you're an effing genius!
Nice, San Francisco!! That's exciting, I haven't been there since I was a kid and my sister lived in Marin so I have this memory of it being so magical and fun. Good luck with your phone interview, I'm thinking that those sorts of things probably go much better pants-less anyways!
You living an hour or so away FTMFW!
I know why its San Francisco.
And I hope you wind up there, cause then we can visit when I have to go there for work!
This takes 'picture your interviewer naked when you're nervous' to a different level, because HOPEFULLY your interviewer found this blog and is now sketching estimates on the aesthetics of your nether regions to kill time before 5pm, and looking forward to chatting you up tomorrow.
In other news, you got the job.
Stop stealing my Bay Area awesomesauce. There's only so much room on that little landmass for so much bloggity badassery.
Right, but see, you moved away. Which leaves exactly enough room for one more badass blogger on that landmass. So really? What I'm trying to say is thanks. Wouldn't have wanted to overload it with our combined forces or anything.
My head just exploded from this exchange.
Suddenly, I hear <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Tony+Bennett/_/I+Left+My+Heart+In+San+Francisco">Tony…____Good luck!!!
That did not work out as I thought it might.
Suddenly, I hear <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Tony+Bennett/_/I+Left+My+Heart+In+San+Francisco">Tony…
There we go, maybe?
I give up.
Hahaha, I adore you. And it worked in the emailed version of the comment, so… partial win?
Well I plan on visiting San Fran next year to meet another blogger so hooray for getting to see you too!!! Thinking good thoughts for you =) Can't wait to hear more about it as you can share. Love you & good luck!
Good luck!!!
Nicole, my lovely friend, you absolutely WIN! I have my fingers crossed that this all works out exactly the way you want it to.
And you talk at least twice as fast as I do, if not three times – and I'm one of the fastest talking humans I know. I was amazed.
Ohhh, I'm so excited about this! Crossing my fingers, because that's some good juju right there.
You have the best logic ever. I should start doing something crazy before stressful events too!
HA! What a fantastic idea….nothing says I can kick this interview's ass better than knowing you just survived cooter hell. Seriously. The last time I went that route it literally resulted in blood. Ew. Anyway, moving on….
Good luck! I want to move to San Fran too!!!!!! And I've never even been there, how crazy is that?
I *love* it! Good luck girl
You know, I laughed at this idea at first but now I'm totally thinking that you are a genius for this idea. I mean really, when your vagina is out to be shorn smooth, what else would be better? Oh maybe a little KY?
I am very excited by this news since I live in SF and would love to help get you settled, if you need it at all.
Best of luck!
I think a clean workspace – ahem – is a good first step to get through any stressful situation. You never know when you might have to vagina your way out of something!
SF won over NY? Ah, I did come from the Bay Area myself so I know how awesome it can be! They should have a new tourism campaign….San Francisco..now More Better!
You WIN…and I WINE because I am now officially laughing my ass off. (my ass can use the help after all that Halloween candy I ate to get me through MY exam! lol love!
best wishes on the interview
amazing amazing post! Can't wait to hear how the interview went!! Sending good thoughts your way!!!!
Congratulations sweetie, positive thoughts = positive results!
This made me laugh and I reaaaaaaaaaaaally needed that today. For serious.
Good luck with the interview!
San Francisco is beautiful! You'd love it there. Hope the phone interview goes well…especially after your wax
oh yay please san fransisco because that is so much closer and i will totally visit you there. but really good luck with the interview!!
OMG I will be SO excited to have another awesome girl out here in SF! I just moved out here four months ago for my dream job – didn't know a SOUL and I'm having a BLAST! (Check it out if you want, there's a part 1, 2, and 3 – http://theoffbeatreport.com/wordpress/2009/07/my-...
Do you know anyone? What are your plans? Where are you going to live? I know, I know, lots of questions from someone you don't even know, but I know what it's like (just did it) and I wished I had someone reach out to me!
Please please please let me know if you need anything!
Good luck! With the Brazilian AND the interview
Good luck. Love your spirit for adventure. And love the idea of Brazilian waxing just before a tough task.
I love San Francisco. Andrew and I are so torn because we had so much fun there in September and we want to go back SO FUCKING BAD, but there are also a million other places we want to see too.
How did you manage an A in microbiology class? Obviously your calling in life was to be a scientist because I dont know anyone who got in A in that course.
It's all in the Brazilian.
Why did I read this RIGHT AFTER we stopped gchatting! I was just in San Fran and LOVED IT, which clearly means I'm staying with you come spring, as I was planning on going up for Spring Break. Plans made. The end.
COME TO SAN FRANCISCO!! sending you good vibes.
HI-LARIOUS reasoning! i love it.
Oh that is awesome. Mine so far have gone great, but I can see how they can be a confidence booster,
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, it IS happening–YAY! And I wish you the best of luck in your job interview that has now already passed.
Reason #103,230 I'm happy that I'm a guy!
your blog is absolutely brilliant and absorbing.
Wait. Do you LIVE in San Francisco? Because if so, um…I AM GOING TO BE THERE THIS WEEKEND. Like, Friday through Sunday, and we should totally grab a drink or something.
ouch. I really can’t think of anything better to say.
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