It was the first thing on my to do list last Wednesday: pick up birth control refill. So I call the pharmacy and they’re all, “Oh, sorry, looks like you’re out of refills.” And I’m like, “Um, what? I just had my annual check up six months ago” and the pharmacist is all, “Just have your doctor phone in another prescription” and I’m like, “Okay, sure” and hang up, thinking it’ll be some easy 1 2 3 thing.
So I call the doctor’s office, right, and some chick answers and her voice makes me think that maybe she’s 12 and she’s all sweet and high pitched with her, “Dr. Silverman’s office, can you please hold?” and it sounds like she’s asking me a question but I know that shit isn’t really a question because she’s off the line before I can be like, “Actually I can’t hold because this is a birth control emergency,” and then she comes back after what is definitely enough time to grow a gray hair and she’s all, “Thanks for holding” and I’m like, “Thanks for giving me no other option,” and she’s all, “How can I help you?”
So I tell her the situation, that I’m a patient of Dr. Silverman’s and that I had my annual check up in May and that I just tried to get my birth control prescription refilled and that I think there’s been a mistake because I’m out of refills, even though it’s only been six months. And she tells me that actually, it’s not a mistake and then she pauses for a really long and conversationally inappropriate amount of time and I’m like, “So…?” and she’s all “You have to come in for another appointment.” And I’m like, “??” and she’s all, “We need to see our patients every six months” and I’m like, “Please explain to me how it’s an ANNUAL CHECK UP if I have to come every six months” and she sighs and says that if I want a new prescription, I have to come back in for an appointment and I’m all, “Yeah? Funny, I think maybe you already mentioned that” and she’s like, “I have an opening next Thursday at 10am, does that work?” and I’m all, “I’m living in San Francisco now” and she goes, “So 10am doesn’t work?” and I’m like, “Okay really? I’m not coming in. I don’t need you people to poke around in my vagina at 10am on Thursday because I JUST HAD AN APPOINTMENT SIX MONTHS AGO and you gave me a pretty decent poke that time around and all I want is for you to give me a new prescription so that I don’t have any babies” and she’s like, “We can’t renew your prescription if you don’t come in for another appointment,” and I’m all, “True or false, it’s more likely for me to be eaten by a turtle in the next two minutes than for you to start making sense” and she’s all, “I have a 3:30 appointment available as well, if that’s more convenient for you,” which is pretty much when I realized that we weren’t even having the same conversation any more and said, “Right, thanks for your time” which I hoped she knew was code for “Please tell Dr. Silverman that the two of you will be hearing from my baby daddy.”
And then, of course, I called my mom to bitch about the general ridiculousness of the gynecological world and the control they have and she pointed out that maybe I was being a little dramatic and that it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world for me to just not have sex for a bit. I told her that that was pretty funny, considering how I’m literally having zero sex right now and she’s all, “Well, maybe if you were having sex you’d have less time to be overly dramatic about things like this.”
Which is more or less when my head exploded and I started seriously considering how much I’d have to pay someone on Craigslist to bring me a vibrator and a shot of tequila.
Posted in: i heart my crazy mother, love & naked stuff, wtf?!
{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }
HAHAHAHAHA! I love your blog…and your mom!
Please please tell me that is exactly how the conversation with the dumb receptionist really went
Let me know what brand you need and Ill send it your way! The aussies just give that stuff away like candy!
Knowing a thing or two of having to field lots and lots of phone calls (I work front desk), I can assure you– you were not having a real conversation with the girl on the other end of the line.
Also, the six-month thing makes no sense, beyond the "annual exam" part of it, since insurance companies won't even let you go more than once a year. Anyway. What?
I've heard some things about "alternate birth control" but they're kinda gross. Apparently you can use…um…maybe I'll just link it.
http://www.cafemom.com/dailybuzz/healthy_living/7…
http://www.cracked.com/article_16039_historys-10-…
The alligator one actually works, medically speaking. You'll just need to find a supplier.
Time magazine is full of lies. The alligator one works because it contains a legitimate spermicide.
When did you become anti-us-playfighting-and-you-falling-down-the-stairs?
Um, this is terrible. Seriously, they're basically holding you hostage for an extra co-pay. Especially since they recently changed the recommendations on pap smears to every 2-3 years instead of every year. So there is seriously no need for them to make you come in TWICE in a year. What they're doing sounds highly unethical. In the meantime, can you go get a scrip from Planned Parenthood or somewhere?
What the holy flaming balls is that nonsense? SIX MONTHS? Once a year is MORE than plenty to have some lady poke around at my bajingo, thankyouverymuch.
I actually have the opposite problem though. My insurance company make me wait a full year between checkups. Which is super and all but I always run out of pills about a month or two before this and then I have to chase down the doctor's office to call it in for three months while the pharmacists look at me like I'm a sad pathetic little creature and I'm pretty sure they can tell I'm not even having sex anyway and so it's probably not a big deal.
But for some reason, it is. JUST IN CASE.
Anyway. I heart you.
Considering we live so close to the wharf, it might actually be more likely you get eaten by a turtle. Just, like, in general.
Keep safe, chief.
ugh those refills are the worst. i used to have to call mine in every 2-3 months, and then 1/2 the time they didn't get my message and i'd be totally screwed up, until i wised up and said – oh, um can you give me like a TWELVE month refill, that'd be sweet. and they did, and somehow i worked it out that i am like, 2-3 weeks ahead on mine, so i can get them way before i actually NEED them (maybe i should send them to you? haha). but really, when i call for my *yearly*, they'll usually give me at least one more prescription to hold me over until my appointment, even if i've run through all my twelve refills for the year. guess Erie peeps are nice that way
ugh… sometimes acquiring birth control is a bitch.
funny stuff, mylady, funny stuff! doesn't every woman have a birth control story like this? except, like, michelle duggar? and the six months part – that's total bullshit and makes me wonder what's up with that doctor that it's ok to have a policy like that. i'm pretty sure my insurance company would frown on expectation of payment for an annual service every six months. try an iud – i have one and i couldn't be more pleased, i haven't bought a tampon since 2003
still have an annual exam (ONCE a year) and get it changed every five or ten depending on the version. could still have a baby, but it has to be removed first; more of a conscious choice and less and "accident", if you will. i have friends that have tried it, some liked it and some didn't – but it's definitely worth a shot – especially if you have insurance.
I second this. I too love my IUD, and while I can't say I haven't had to buy a tampon since 03, I can say that since 06 I've had only had to deal with them a couple times a year. Like 4 or 5 maybe.
But for fun stories like this maybe she should stick to the pill so we can read more about the quest for birth control pills later.
It's times like these when you have to get creative. No birth control pills? No problem! Saran Wrap, tin foil or zip lock bags are perfectly suitable replacements for a condom…right?
Hahahaha, UGH. I hate the effing gyno. Did you ever figure it out/will they give you your damn BC?
OH MY GOD. NO. So basically, get ready to be added to my babysitting list. Just kidding. Sort of.
Intensity in ten cities.
take it to the clinic lady – they'll give you a year 'script without checking out your hooha
I found that out recently and was all YAY because my doc in DC wasn't going to refill my prescription for the same reason (and i didn't have $150 to dish out sans health insurance)…no prodding or poking necessary 
every 6 months what that? That's crazy!!!
Dood, that's insane. You should totally call them up tomorrow and be like "I want to speak to the doctor. Oh, she's busy, eh? (They're always "busy.") If I don't get a call by this time tomorrow my next call will be to the state medical board." Then BAM! Birth control! TAKE THAT, PRIVATE HEALTHCARE! Okay, I think I've had too much Vitamin Water…
Did you say tequila? Then again, me, booze & girls means clothes come off.
You know what they say, "Abstinence is best! If you can't keep it in your sister, then"….wait…..that's not right. Shit, I fucked that up, but my point still stands, which is…..Pharmacies are douches and vagina doctors screw you. Or, don't punch kittens. One in the same really.
That doctor has to be a lesbian… six months.. riiiight. that extra visit is just for her…
Heh.
Also, Nicole. You are too funny in each post.
Maybe spread the funny out because you just make the rest of us look bad.
I think your doctor really likes poking around your cha cha! Maybe you should feel honored
“True or false, it’s more likely for me to be eaten by a turtle in the next two minutes than for you to start making sense” … I love you.
Why don't I help out here? I'll happily fly to LA and give this woman the facts of life. I don't even need to be all that persuasive, I'm really just looking for the chance to frighten her a little. It's been that kind of week. And, yes, the sex is helping so I'm going to advocate the safe implementation of that option when possible and/or desirable.
Now…I'm not positive here…but I'm fairly confident that prayer and regret is a fairly foolproof form of birth control.
I was ROTFL on just the post title alone then started reading it and was all like not another Nicole vs. the Gyno Doc(which I would totally see as a wrestling event)…but then you won me back with "baby daddy" and a Mom cameo! Where have you been all my life?
Seriously, though, I agree with most everyone here. The clinic would be the way to go. You are in San Fran after all. They practically invented safe sex there. Or you could give the doc another shot and ask to speak to someone else….
Why are dr's always named silverman? ALWAYS. Like every doctor I have is named dr. Silverman. ps birth control is the devil. Truth.
Have you considered an IUD? No refills necessary, anyway. Of course, the idea of having a foreign object implanted in my body totally squicks me out, so I don't have one (I'm a condom girl, because the one time I tried taking pills they made me completely batshit insane, in a seriously-no-joke kind of way, and then I was on medication for a long time that made birth control 50% less likely to be effective, so I couldn't have taken it anyway, even I'd wanted to) but I hear they are really, really good these days. Also, it kills me how women are so fucked with when it comes to basic reproductive health care in this fucking country.
Agreeing. The impant thought gives me willies but a non-hormonal, easily reversible, long-term alternative to pills sounds AWESOME.
This happened to me two weeks ago! Only I had more refills left and my pharmacist refused to re-fill them because it had been a year, and "then they don't count".
Really?? Because if I still have refills, in my world that means I still have refills. Maybe my math is fuzzy.
1) Seriously?
2) You probably should consider getting all your Drs. in San Fran anyway. If something were to happen to you (UTI or other emergency) you'd want someone in the same area code. It will be easier, trust me as someone who moved across the country.
3) Condoms? I hated birth control. Actually, I liked it, but it messed up my blood sugars like whoa (stupid hormones) and I gained like 10 lbs. OK, wait, maybe I hated it. I can't remember.
Hahaha…I don't know why you didn't crassly swear at her! I would have…!! Grrr..
OK really?! Considering that if you have health insurance, they won't even pay for you to go twice in one year. They are weird! Maybe find your nearest Planned Parenthood?
Bitches is wack, dude. Bitches is wack. Even after I'm out of refills, I've never had a hard time getting them to give me an emergency one-month refill to tide me over 'til they can get to pokin'.
Do does this mean you ARE going to cut a hole in the snuggie?
ha ha ha! Thanks for the Friday morning chuckle. Hope you find a new doctor that understands what "annual" means
Um, yes. GYNs are totally ridiculous with the birth control prescriptions, they complete defeat the purpose of the drug half the time by making it so difficult to get it. May I suggest Planned Parenthood? They'll give you a prescription without an exam for up to 6 months I believe.
And why do you not have your own vibrator and bottle of tequila? Wise investments.
Every 6 months!? That's RIDICULOUS. I totally would have freaked out on that stupid woman too. ::stabby::
I think its BULLSHIT. Its just a way for Dr. Silverman to bill the insurance an extra time.
this is fucking bonkers.
but in other news, reading your blog is like having a conversation with myself. i dont know if that makes sense? but what i mean is that, your writing is so conversational and i just really really enjoy that, and find it so unique to you and basically it makes me feel like our conversations would FUCKING ROCK.
Ha! I love how you pwnd the receptionist with your very legitimate question of HOW IS THIS AN ANNUAL EXAM EVERY SIX MONTHS?
Every 6 months is bullshit. In other news I want to know what jedi mind trick you used to get your mom to advocate for your increased sexual activity.
On the plus side…um…you got a funny blog post out of it! I bet if you actually talked to Dr. Silverman, and not the 12 yr old manning her phones, she'd extend your prescription for at least another month until you find a Dr. in San Fran.
OMG, I would punch that nurse in the ovaries, immediately. I would also hurt that OBGYN for making you come in twice a year, for the fact that most insurance companies don't pay for twice a year.
Seriously? I have no words. Other than I would be changing doctors IMMEDIATELY and figuring out some other way to acquire birth control. … Why's it got to be so challenging?
The problem with bad customer service at the doctor's office is that there's really no one else to talk to about it. It's not like the doctor has a manager or something.
Holy shit. Doctor's should TOTALLY have manager's!
Ugh, gynos are SO annoying when it comes to birth control refills. I should tell you about the time I had to literally stalk down my doctor and refused to leave the office without a refill (which I shouldn't have even needed).
I've had the same issue. Doctors are troublesome in general though. I had blood work done the other day and I received a call informing me that the results had come in. Well why the fuck didn't they leave the results in the damn message? No, they apparently want me to schedule an appointment to explain the results. So basically they want me to come drive for half and hour just so they can explain it to me in person. Oh and did I mention that they charge me another co-pay fee. Fuck that.
I had a doctor once who tried to pull the same crapola! I changed doctors….immediately!
every six months? that's ridiculous. no thank you. i say your doctor just sends over the tequila to you directly.
You always make me laugh my dear…but this was gut busting, peeing my pants funny today. GYN's are here to make our lives miserable. I can't even talk to the nurses there without some sort of buzz to calm me.
HAHAHA, I just spit out my tea reading this ALL over my keyboard. And you know what? It was worth every second of it! I'm with you this whole vajayjay phenomenon thing as well. I was under the impression that an ANNUAL check up meant once a year, but apparently, my stupid gyno also feels it's necessary to poke around every six months! And the best part is? I somehow got TWO freakin' pap smears and got charged for the second because my insurance "only covers one a year…why would you have two?" I don't know, Health Insurance Lady, you tell me. I'm seriously considering either going off the pill, trying that UIT thing (I think that's what it's called?) or changing doctors because other than being prodded one too many times during the year, the dude ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS comments on my weight. "Oooh, looks like you've gained some weight there…" It's like, "Yes, from when I was 18? YES I HAVE!" Bastard…I think I'm being inspired to write a post about this, haha.
HaHa – this is FABULOUS! I think that I might have been going to the same gyno as you because that brat on the phone sounds just like the one I was dealing with a few months ago. They "accidentally" canceled my birth control. What? How does that happen? So after dealing with her and going in for a Tuesday at 10a appointment (or something like that), they just go on to tell me not to be concerned about it anyways because I'm not having sex right now. And charge me $100 for an office visit.
Blah – what is up with the vagina police?!
You really, truly are one of my favorite people ever. And to think, we've never even met…
I'll send you my vibrator… it's only a *littel bit* used. But the batteries are still FRESH! Don't ask me how I know…
Also. Do you like free food? Because I'm giving away free food on my family blog this weekend, not to be confused with my personal blog, where I say shit and fuck and asshole, because I thought people might prefer free food from a place where "asshole" isn't said every few seconds. Anyway. You can come and win some free food in between your not having sex, if you want.
And also, oh my gah, I totally know how to spell the word "little" but I was… uhm…. admittedly using the vibrator I was offering to send you at the time, which makes me type typos. It's not my fault, really. My husband has been working late, so blame him for the typing "littel" instead of "little". Also, my vibrator doesn't have a remote, Just so you know.
Oh darling, nothing makes sense when we're not having sex.
It's blackmail! "Come in or have lots of babies and/or stds". Oh yes, please stick a clamp in there as many times a year as possible!
Oh crap the EXACT same thing happened to me, so now I'm off the pill and I'm gonna be all crazy for the next month. It's because the docs get paid for each visit. Asses. Not getting laid, at least. Can't tell if thats' a good thing or bad.
If your costa rica contest entry is half as funny as this, u'll def at least make it to round two!
I had to convince my doctor to give me 6 months instead of the 3 he originally wanted to. He doesn't seem to get that if he keeps trying to force me to come in for a visit (and therefore increase his paycheck) that I will just find another doctor. One that hands out prescriptions left, right and centre!
I like turtles.
I'm just going to jump on the back of this bandwagon and say you are awesome. I was writhing on the ground laughing at your pain and fury. Thanks for sharing with everyone!
Your Mom's logic is awesome.
Your mother is awesome, and flesh eating turtles are scary!!
I haven't laughed so hard in months…I swear that same receptionist must sub for my dr.
Love your blog!!!!
I…I just…I love you so much.
It's the medical world. I had to practically climb on a receptionist's table and pee on her desk before she conceded it might be okay to let me go ahead and give a urine culture before the order was faxed to her office since she knew it was coming, I live out of town, and I have a fourth a kidney and couldn't risk it for bureaucracy…full story in my december posting….dang….
My doctor said NOT to come back for 2 years. This after my mother was diagnosed with uterine cancer, following the loss of my grandmother from lymphoma cancer as well. The medical community is nothing, but a cold hearted business. It's a shame.
Getting birth control pills used to drive me nuts until I finally gave up and went back to condoms. I've been married for 14 years, have a kid and everything, and here we are with condoms like we're high school students. But honestly, it's worth it to preserve my mental health. My insurance demanded that I get one 30-day set of pills every month; my pharmacy never could dish out more than one month's worth. It was so aggravating having to trudge to the Walgreens every month. So I started getting those one-period-every-three-months pill just to dodge that. Finally it all became too much and I'm Rubber Lady now.
{ 2 trackbacks }