My mother: I can’t believe you didn’t notice.
Me: What?
My mother: We got a new fridge while you were in San Francisco!
Me: That one? It looks exactly like the old one.
My mother: It’s a completely different refrigerator.
Me: Okay. But it looks the same.
My mother: There’s no shelf in the freezer! How did you not see that? And it’s ever so slightly more beige.
Me: I’ve been home for less than six minutes. When would I have noticed that there isn’t a shelf in the freezer? And do you seriously think I made a mental bookmark of which shade of beige your kitchen appliances are?
My mother: I could paint my bedroom red and you wouldn’t notice that either.
Me: That’s not even a little bit the same thing.
My mother: It’s exactly the same thing. Also, the cheese is frozen.
Me: The what?
My mother: There are chunks of ice in the parmesan cheese.
Me: Because you keep it in a shelf-less freezer?
My mother: Because the fridge is too cold!
Me: Turn the temperature up.
My mother: I don’t have any loose change.
Me: ?
My mother: There’s this little groove in the temperature dial and your father says I have to use a penny to turn it.
Me: Let me try.
My mother: I said I don’t have any pennies! Stop messing with it, your fingertips are too large.
Me: My fingertips are normal size.
My mother: I can’t believe you didn’t notice we got a new fridge.
Me: If it makes you feel any better, I noticed that you traded the normal toilet paper for that rough Christmas patterned kind.
My mother: It’s for the holiday guests!
Me: You’re not having any holiday guests.
My mother: I could have holiday guests.
Me: Do you really think these hypothetical holiday guests want to wipe with toilet paper that has multi-colored ink on it? Not to mention that it’s closer to sandpaper than toilet paper. Like, it actually hurts to use it.
My mother: You and your vagina are so demanding. Why can’t you be more festive? I bet Mary didn’t complain this much around the holidays.
Me: Please tell me you’re not going to turn this into an argument about Jesus.
My mother: I was just saying.
Me: You were saying what? That on the night Mary gave miraculous birth in a fucking stable surrounded by dirty animals and men in robes, she wasn’t complaining? You think there’s even the slightest chance that she wasn’t screeching at the top of her lungs about getting all the pain of childbirth without any of the pleasures of sex?
My mother: Jesus wouldn’t hurt Mary on the way out.
Me: *
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, i heart my crazy mother, wtf?!
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
Wait – do vaginas need to be wiped???
I AM CONSTANTLY CONFUSED BY THEIR FUNCTION AND NEEDS.
I had no idea they sold holiday toilet paper!
LOL Oh my god this is nuts. I love your conversations. You need to have her guest video blog with you, lady. I can't wait for your holidays!
Best. Comment. Ever.
Ummm I just peed a little at “you and your vagina are so demanding”. Hilarious.
Gosh Nicole, you and your abnormally large fingertips.
" You and your vagina are so demanding." I want this on a shirt.
ME TOO.
As family conversations go, this is an EXCELLENT one. Mary… really??
It's absolutely horrible that cheese got ruined.
See? YES! THE BIGGER PICTURE. I totally just mentally licked your face.
Out of love, of course. TRUE LOVE.
This just can't be real. I second the joint vlog idea!!
Hilarious
Video blog! Video blog!
LMAO. I love you.
LOL awesome. This makes me miss my mom
Maybe Jesus was in a hurry to rescue the world from crappy Christmas toilet paper. Just a thought.
I am in love with this. Hilarious!
Now I'm in some definite need of Holiday toilet paper… but I want the soft kind…And your conversation with your mother pretty much sounds like every conversation I have with mine! It stressed me out just reading it! haha
Turning an argument into something to do with Jesus is one of my favorite things to do ever. I mean, I love blaming things on him.
I can't imagine having this kind of conversation with my mother, although I think it's often happening right under the surface. She does like to play a little game where I have to notice all of the changes she's made the two times a year I go home. If I don't comment, she calls me out on it.
this post just made my day ! (:
seriously your family needs a reality show, it would be an instant hit.
This is the most awesome story i've ever heard
Every time I see the sweet back and forth between you and your mom, I always picture your dad listening at a safe distance, but not getting involved. Does your pops ever get into these discussions, or does he wisely stay away?
This is definitely better than most of the conversations I've had today. Seriously. I pretty much love it.
I love your family.
There is no way colored TP is good for vaginas.
Holy shit! Is your mother channeling my mother?
My head just exploded a little bit for you.
Your poor lady bits!
Tell your mother I'd love to use her scatchy multi-colored FESTIVE toilet paper and that little 5 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus basically slipped out of Mary like a jello shot to a plastic cup, because he loved his mother and so do you.
Oh, and your fingers are perfect, Nicole.
"Jesus wouldn’t hurt Mary on the way out."
Is your mom insinuating that you hurt her on purpose?
Don't argue, having a christmas colored vagina might not be the worst thing
Your mom wins at life. I can just imagine the expression on your face at the end of that. Classic.
I heart your mother. I do, I do!
Haha I love your conversations with your mom. this reminds me of when I first got home and my mom blamed me for not noticing the new painting in the living room, the room I hadn't even been in yet. Mothers….
I don't know, Nicole, your mother's reasoning is pretty solid.
This totally made me laugh. I would be nervous as a holiday guest to even use colored TP. Extra chemical to make it look that way? No TY
I vote video blog.
I dearly love reading your conversations with your mother.
Oh my goodness, reading this was exactly but exactly like going home. Like, I'm practically picking cat hair out of my teeth as we speak. Yikes.
Oh my goodness, reading this was exactly but exactly like going home. Like, I'm practically picking cat hair out of my teeth as we speak. Yikes.
Do guests leave the house with red and green nether regions and/or posteriors? I admire your way of writing a conversation here. it's almost like a play. That ending is classic!
I think this would be a fantastic t-shirt: "You and your vagina are so demanding."
Wait, your mom didn't buy napkins and mistake if for TP did she?
Haha. I made the mistake of reading this post with my morning coffee and nearly spit the hazelnut goodness all over my monitor when I read the last line! Your mother cracks me up! Great writing…love your posts.
This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. I am adding you to my blogroll. You are such a fantastic writer.
HILARIOUS!!!! I promise you need your own reality show!
I've been reading for a while – thought I would say hi since this post just made me spit coffee all over my keyboard after reading about your demanding vagina and the brilliant Jesus tie in! Love your writing!
LOL!!!!
I hope one day there is a movie made on your life and your mother is a co-star. I will be the first in line!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it!
you should start a shitmymomsays Twitter account, ala http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays. That's friken hilarious!
Thanks for brightening my morning!
Color me shocked that your mother could include your vagina and Mary in the same sentence!! LOL.
Your mum is actually like that? It is plain for us to see that the apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial! You two are like R-rated Gilmore Girls
Your mom totally owned you there. And she is probably my mom's twin.
I officially LOVE your mom. She is ridiculous.
LMAO!! this would be an excellent movie!!!
the demanding vagina comment has me in stitches!
haha that's just made me laugh so hard.
pronounced diary you corner
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