So San Francisco has turned me into a terrible driver. But it’s not like, “Oh, I’m a little bit bad,” it’s like I’m SO BAD that I’m surprised all of the pedestrians in the greater Bay Area aren’t either hiding at home or laying dead in the middle of the street by now.
It’s just, I don’t fucking know, it’s all of the one way streets. And the fact that I’ve gone the wrong way on a one way street TWICE now. And it’s all the red lights and the fact that I almost ran one. And it’s all the street parking and the fact that I literally cannot parallel park. Like, at all. Like, if there is an empty spot in between two other cars, I have to keep driving around because I can’t put my car there. And I know this is something I need to learn how to do, and I know that if I’m going to learn how to do it I have to practice, but how am I supposed to practice when there aren’t even any open spots to practice on ever ever ever and all the streets are too busy and there are too many cars and hills and people are so aggressive and oh my God I have to move my car for street cleaning tomorrow night and somebody just buy the damn thing from me right this second before I throw myself under it.
Except maybe you don’t want to buy it since there’s a chunk missing under the driver’s side door from when I ran over a curb on the way to In-n-Out because I hadn’t had In-n-Out in over three months and I was too excited to pay attention to shit like curbs and seriously, how am I still alive?
Similarly, I’m not entirely sure how I haven’t frozen to death in my sleep in the last two weeks. Because while my apartment is super fucking cute, it’s also super fucking arctic-like and I desperately need someone to come over and insulate my windows. And bring me a Snuggie. But mostly the windows. But also the Snuggie.
I tried to figure out how to do it myself – insulate the windows I mean, not buy a Snuggie, because I know how to buy a Snuggie I just can’t bring myself to walk into Walgreens and purchase it because what if they’re out of the leopard print ones and I have to ask someone about it and she makes judge-y faces at me and I try to play it off like I’m buying that shit for a friend but her eyes are all, “Seriously, try to be more single, go” and then I leave Walgreens crying and come home to uninsulated windows and freeze to death anyway.
Which, like I said, is why someone definitely needs to come over and insulate my fucking windows. Because I tried to look it up online tonight but Google was like “Here’s how to install triple-glazed high-performance windows” and I was all, “What the fuck are those?” and Google was like, “Air leaks directly in and out from gaps along the edges of the windows” and I was all, “This is incredibly unhelpful” and Google was all, “Window insulation on a low budget” and I was like, “Finally” and Google was all, “Use a spray bottle to mist some water on the interior of the window, and then put bubble wrap against the glass, which doubles the insulation value of a single-pane window” and I was all, “Wait, how do I know if I have a single-pane window?” and Google was like, “Girl, take off the damn Snuggie and get yourself a fucking boyfriend already.”
Posted in: san francisco
{ 79 comments… read them below or add one }
Fuck Google. Your boyfriend is right here.
Google's a little cunt.
I couldn't parallel park until I moved to Charleston. You still have time since you're in the "I just moved here" window.
Also, I think whoever invents a Snuggie/vibrator combination will make a killing. Just saying. Job problem solved.
hahaha! I love this entry!
hahaha LOL you really crack me up – it's 27 degrees celsius and humidity is like 90% here in Sydney – it's overcast and feels like about 40 degrees celsius – if you invent something that stops every bit of my body sweating in that heat i'll invent something super easy to use for window insulation – deal?!
Dude, my old apartment was like that, and even with boyfriend? I was screwed because he was not, how you say, GOOD WITH TOOLS. Fuck Google, fuck boyfriends, but most definitely get the Snuggie, and if the lady makes judgey faces, remind her YOU WORK AT GOD DAMN WALGREENS.
Amy makes a good point above. Plus doesn't EVERYONE want a snuggie???
I have a snuggie. Its not a PROPER snuggie, because those things are expensive for my little budget.. so it’s really not as effective at keeping me warm as I’d hoped. Anyways.
Elle mentioned the weather in Sydney today. I think I lost three kilos in sweat today alone. Tomorrow, in my suburb, it’s supposed to be 39 celcius. Thank goodness I’m not working. Oh.. and I can’t parallel park either.
If you're headed to In-N-Out, any amount of car damage is acceptable. They're nowhere near TN, and I'd run through a brick wall to get a double double animal style right now.
You mail me one of those and I'll mail you a snuggie. Dealz?
my dad taught me a valuable lesson when he was teaching me to drive.
always cut off the nice cars. you know they actually care and will brake to avoid hitting you. the clunkers? not so much.
Google can be so snarky at times. Target has the leopard print Snuggies. Not that I looked at them or anything…
What happened to that plastic stuff that requires a blow dryer to shrink wrap it to your windows? Do they still sell that shit?
Yes, the window saran-wrap is fantastic – I put mine up while wearing a snuggie and only felt the slightest bit of single girl shame as my married neighbors pointed and giggled.
I'm pretty sure 'single pane' means there is only one layer of glass between the inside of the house and the outside. You know how some windows have that gap between panes filled with air? Those are double pane. I think.
OMG! You definitely make me laugh harder than anyone I know at the moment:) I would like to be your BF but that might be a bad idea. I suck at driving even though I am a terrific parallel parker but only with cars, not SUVs or vans and I'm way older like by a decade and….maybe I should stop, I'm not making a good case here. SF is definitely a re-education for drivers. You didn't mention the scary hills. Try parallel parking there! Garbage bags and some masking tape makes a cheap insulation for windows if unattractive. You can use clear bags. Would you accept a Slanket?
In addition to the other ways I'm making your life better, I have a boyfriend for you. He has a girlfriend now but she looks like she crawled out of a hot topic add and she's like 19.
Absolutely. Love. This. Seriously. Keep. Writing. More. Shit. And. By. Shit. I. Mean. Amazingness
I just put the plastic blowdryer wrap stuff up last night all by myself. It's really easy and you can get 9 of them (for normal sized windows — they sell a separate box for extra large windows) for $9 at Home Depot.
For the record, I totally used a leopard print snuggie as a 2nd blanket over the weekend. It was fabulous.
Not trying to sound like a massively single girl who lives with her mom. BUT! I have a knock off snuggie. Swear. It is called a Snuzzle. SNUZZLE! Who does that!? But it is really soft and warm and I love it. It is also part of the reason I am still single.
i liked this entry so much I GCHATED it to my best friend.
There have been more moments that i can count where I thought to myself, "Man, this is why I need a snuggie."
last time i tried to parallel park i backed into the car behind me. i will not do it anymore. i will walk miles before i parallel park.
i also want a snuggie. and a slap chop. damn vince sucked me in with the "fettuchini, linguini, martini, bikini.."
If I find a leopard print snuggie I'm mailing that shit to you. And I can barely parallel park either, and I've lived in the suburbs of NY all my life. FAIL.
Hahahaa, this had me cracking up. I cannot parallel park for shit either. Actually, I do the same exact thing as you and just drive and drive until I find a spot I can get into! Ummm, and just buy the snuggie…do it..you won't regret it!
I have to suggest the zebra print snuggie for you, Nicole. The leopard print is so five minutes ago.
Do I have to turn in my boyfriend now for admitting that?
Google is being SUPER bitch these days. She must be on her period.
Being 'A' super bitch. Being 'A' super bitch.
Arrg.
Must. Learn. How. To. Type.
See, I lucked out with the Snuggie thing because my mom loves to get us all kinds of "as seen on TV!" stuff for Christmas every year, and this year? We all got Snuggies. Mine's blue. I kind of feel like I should stop bragging about how I didn't have to to go to Walgreens and buy my own Snuggie and just send you mine already.
I <3 parallel parking. Also, be lucky you're not freezing in chicago
At least the judgmental Wal-Mart lady was kind of encouraging as she sent you off into single life with the "go"… she could've been like "Pralines & Cream ice cream is in aisle 14, bitch"
All that and I forgot my main points:
1) make people wait while you figure out how to parallel park – they drive in San Francisco, they know how to go around your ass
2) buy a snuggie!
You have me laughing out loud over here. I love your posts – always make me laugh.
Now get off the computer and get yourself a snuggie. I've got one and honest;y it's my favorite blanket. Oh, and yes I'm single
I had planned to insulate my windows last year.
I bought the kit I needed.
I measured everything.
And then the kit sat under my kitchen sink, unused, untouched.
Clearly an insulation fail.
i totally thought of poor you having to drive around the city when i was in san francisco for far too short of a time this weekend. those effing hills are terrifying! i'd probably just drive my car straight into the bay to avoid the horrifying anxiety and stress of navigating through that city on wheels.
I'm Brazilian and in Brazil, before you even get the chance to take a driving test, you have to take a parallel parking one. If you don't pass parallel parking, you will NEVER drive (well, not legally). Plus there are no automatic cars, only stick fucking shift. By 23, I still didn't have a license. Loser. I now live in Florida, where I bought an automatic car and, at 27, got my license after driving for like, what, 10 minutes with an instructor. Ah, freedom.
I cannot parallel park. LIKE, AT ALL. Never done it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd have a good scream-cry attempting to do it. I'm blaming my driver instructor from 11 years ago who decided I didn't need to learn how to parallel park.
Ah, angry conversations with Google… sounds familiar.
As a frequent visitor to "The City," you just have to drive like a bitch. Be aggressive, be pushy, and be confident. Act like you own the damn road. Good luck with the not-freezing.
Best to find a boyfriend like Steve McQueen in "Bullet". He'll know how to insulate windows and he'll drive a sweet 67 Mustang Fastback for negotiating the streets of San Francisco.
Well, I hear that you're not from the city unless you car is totally dinged from "tapping" other cars while parallel parking…
I hear foil is good insulation. Looks really ghetto, but totally gets the job done.
Just goes to show that although Google may be omniscient, it can also be a callous douchebag. Oh yeah, there's such as thing as TOO much knowledge: Google is the nerd who knows all the answers by not how to get laid.
It's all about the saran wrap. It may look rather ghetto fab, but I hear it does wonders.
Parallel parking is definitely a learned skill – and something I STILL haven't mastered after living in the city for two years. But you'll get the hang of it… eventually. (And don't be afraid to bump the cars in front of/behind you, it's just a love tap.)
I shall send you my snuggie I got for Christmas. Since I am the spawn on Satan, according to my ex, and Satan's spawn doesn't get cold, I have no need for a snuggie.
The best "snuggies" are at TJ MAXX – they're $20 and made out of the softest, warmest material ever. Window insulation kits cost $3 to $10, can find them at Target, and ….. sort of work. We had that stuff all over our last house in the Haight, but I think it was all psychosomatic…I mean, we knew it wasn't working but we tried to convince ourselves that it was…
As for driving in the City, God Speed. I don't know how you do it on the regular.
I am always so afraid of driving in SF. I always expect some person or thing to jump out in front of my car so I end up driving around like a grandmother.
You wantz to go to a hardware-ish store, and ask for the plastic wrap for your windows. They sell kits. Kits come with wrap, and tape. But not scissors or hairdryer. You need those too. And maybe an extension cord.
i third the saran-wrapping your window thing. 3M (the tape people, of all people) make it and you can find it at any hardware store. you just run tape around your windows, throw the plastic up and then use your hairdryer to shrinky-dink it up tight.
I can SO relate to the parallel parking hullabaloo. I had never parallel parked until I moved to Chicago 5 years ago, but I learned real fast! And no one ever tells you the really important things like how to finagle a neighborhood parking sticker for additional street parking availability. Nobody tells you what it's really like when it snows or how to predict the likely times and placements of available street parking openings. I don't own a car anymore, but have taken to driving my boyfriend's SUV and am proud to say I've still got it. I can park that motherfucker anywhere! With time, I figured it out and I know you will too. You just have to commit to trying. Know when to move your car during the day as opposed to evening. And know what days are better to move it than others.
As for the window stuff…just go to a hardware store or Target or something and get the plastic wrap junk that you double-sided tape to the woodwork around your window, then use the blow dryer to "seal" it. It's ugly as shit, but it works. (Just don't get too close to the plastic with the blow dryer or you'll melt it!).
!!!! Aaaahmazing. I'm pretty sure "try to be more single, go" is my new catchphrases. Although, helpful Nor Cal fun fact: all of the windows are single-pane. ALL OF THEM. When I lived in Palo Alto (which is usually ten degrees warmer than friggin' Vegas, as a hint), my kitchen during winter, with the heat on, would routinely be forty-five degrees in the morning because the windows were so poorly insulated. It's the ugly side of living spaces with gorgeous natural light.
Also, your second paragraph gave me serious PSTD about those nights last year I occasionally stupidly decided to drive to the mission instead of taking the Cal Train up, and ended up spending forty-five minutes just circling for a damn spot. Oh man. Driving in SF is for suckerchumps. Sell yo' car and buy stock in Snuggie Co., dude.
Thank you for always making me laugh. You posts are so funny. And I also want to thank you for living in SF. Its my most favorite place and if I cant live there I can at least live vicariously through you!
Amusing as always, I look forward to your posts.
I got my insulation stuff at Walmart. Cheaper than any other stores, and it's nice because its one big roll where you have more control over the sizes. Unless you have small windows as opposite to my 6 larger-than-a-door windows, then that might be too much of those plastic stuff. Oh and scotch tapes, lots of them. The temperature inside the apartment has gone up significantly since. Now I have tons of plastic stuff leftover. What shall I do with them
You have no idea how many things I dont purchase because of the fear of being judged by someone at walgreens.
i would cry if i had to drive in san fransisco. i absolutely hate parking and driving and all those hills would freak me out and ah. i'd just have a snuggie instead.
I LIVE IN AN ARCTIC CHILL TOO. but when your boyfriend does sleep in your bed and hes making you all warm, you cant fucking sleep and you're like look motherfucker…..get off.
I almost removed my entire bumper after totally obliterating a curb on Van Ness last night. Better the curb than the 17-year-old pedestrians (at least until THEY LAUGHED AT ME THE BUS-RIDING BIMBOS), but still – I blame San Francisco. For my inability to steer and my freezing toes. Why must cute apartments = blackened, frost-bitten toes?
(My mom totally bought me a snuggie for Christmas and I adore it. I'm wearing it right now.)
You sure know how to make a girl click right through from her reader, every time.
Did you breathe while you typed that? I don't think so.
haha. You're amazing. And you don't need a boyfriend, just insulated windows. And OH MY GOODNESS I CANNOT PARALLEL PARK FOR THE LIFE OF ME! So, you are not alone.
"A woman without a man is like a goldfish without a bicycle." (forgot who said that)
Man Google was in a bitchy mood when you were searching. Seriously.
Another amazing post! Being a single guy, I get those judgy looks too! Usually they are in other places like the grocery store when I walk up with 20 frozen dinners and then like some fresh fruit and the cashier is all "Right, like you are actually going to eat this fruit you bought. $10 says you have one apple and then the rest sit and rot." And they are usually right, but that's not the point. Bastards.
Nominated you for a blog award! You crack me up.
morgendorf.blogspot.com
just found your blog and this is the 2nd post I read of yours and all I have to say is I am fucking dying laughing out loud right now. I can only imagine you talk exactly the same, which kind of makes me wish you could come just live in my closet or something. I am a great parallel parker and I have insulated my windows before (I liv)e in Minnesota)….but I am just saying.
Nicole, do yourself a huuuuuuuuge favor and get to your nearest Lowe's or Home Depot (or similar). Ask them where the shrinkable window insulator is. Buy enough for all your windows. You use this sticky tape to adhere it (tightly) to the wooden frames around your windows. Then use a hair dryer to shrink it. It really works! We have single-paned windows and our house is CO-CO-COLDDDDDDD in the winter time. We do this on all of our windows, and not only does it help keep the temperature at a more comfortable level, but it also cuts back on our heating bill! Score!
I have a boyfriend…& I'm such a perfectionist/impatient person that I wouldn't wait for him or let him do such things anyway. I know this because I put together this really difficult to put together desk the other day when I should have just gone to bed & waited for his help…
From one SF resident to a newbie: Fuck the car, buy a Vespa. You'll thank me later.
PS – Snuggie wearers are the new crazy cat ladies. Buy one and you'll never get laid. Just sayin.
Girl, when In-n-Out is involved…nothing else matters!
You could always just buy your leopard print Snuggie online, avoiding the awkward judgyness at Walgreens.
I can't parallel either, lame. I know I need to learn it because, seriously, you can only drive in circles looking for parking so long before you start to go crazy.
I parallel parked in my test, seven years ago. And not once since. Life is too short for that level of spatial awareness. Besides, I'm not sure anyone CAN actually do it, I think it's just luck. Every single time.
and weirdly, my parents just sent a leopard print snuggie to my office. Luckily, my boyfriend lives 100 miles away, so I have many snuggie filled nights ahead of me.
God damn parallel parking. Damn it to hell!
hahah i cant parallel park and refuse to even try after i spent like seriously 15 minutes trying to get in this spot for damn buffalo exchange. i actually refuse to get out of the car once i got in there (sorta) because everyone was so fucking pissed off!
After a while parallel parking will become second nature, and then you'll have the fun of judging those who can't. Not that I do (I totally do). It's the hills that confuse me. Which way do the wheels go again?
Absent a boyfriend or window insulation, I recommend a laundry detergent bottle filled with hot water from the tap. Don't get it too hot, or you'll end up with a nasty permanent burn mark on your arm or leg or, well, somewhere else.
rofl well if nothing else, know that 90% of humans suck at SOMETHING driving-related, and THEY don't have the advantage of being a hilarious 20-something blogger with super interesting anecdotes to amuse the masses with
LOL, but at the end of the day, at least you have a super cute apartment
.
Came over from Allie's blog.
Guess I'll stay awhile.
GAHHH! It's been almost a year since i've had In & Out and now i'm seriously craving it! UGH lol OH How I miss you number 2 with no onions and a coke!!!! lol
Stay warm!!!!
I've seriously considered purchasing a snuggie, too. Because, even though I now live with my fiance, I get so freaking cold in our house that it isn't funny. And I should probably be Googling how to insulate everything in this house, too…
However, if you need someone to help you parallel park? I'm totally your girl.
I can get you a 15% discount on a Snuggie from Walgreens. My mom works at one. She's a manager, or a janitor or something so I could probably get your name sewn on to your snuggie by some of her subordinates. And of course by "sew" I mean "written on with Sharpie Marker"
You're welcome.
You've probably figured this out already, but there's an In-N-Out in Daly City. Right next to a Krispy Kremes. That's right.
It's In Out….totally understandable!
I'm sorry I'm behind on my reading but girl you do not need a boyfriend for your windows. The thing google said will work on any plane windows. It just did the calculation on improved efficiency for single pane. Ignore than line.
Come to me for all your insulation problems. I have taken a plural number of courses on this business! (kind of. They were about heat transfer. So mostly theory but still, I can tell you what lines of instructions matter and what lines don't)
Just how could they let you guys drive without any notion of parallel parking???