We chose our current apartment for three reasons. Reason 1 was the ridiculously low security deposit. Reason 2 was the wood burning fireplace. Reason 3 was the enormous patio.
The thing about those reasons is that the only one that has played out as expected is the first one. Like, okay, the fireplace is awesome. Except for the fact that we don’t know how to make a fire. What we do know how to do is buy those bullshit fake log logs but those create zero warmth and don’t last very long and therefore don’t count toward real fire. We want real fire. We’ve only had real fire twice. Each time the real fire was made by a boy. High five feminism. Also, I *still* can’t parallel park. High five feminism again.
And the patio. See, we don’t actually use the damn patio because of course we don’t have any furniture out there because of course we’re bad adults who haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks and who wait until we run out of underwear to do laundry except even when we run out of underwear we don’t do laundry and then I spend an entire weekend running around the city with no underwear on and flashing people on a boat in Tiburon. But that’s not important right now. Back to the furniture-less patio. And the fact that the patio is sort of gross because there’s a drain out there that doesn’t drain so everything is always a little flooded because San Francisco has unpredictable weather and I don’t know how to clean this drain but I’m thinking that I probably can’t use the same stuff I use on a bathroom drain. I don’t know. Don’t yell at me about chemicals. And. AND! The people who live above us are assholes and also they’re smokers and they smoke on their balcony and just throw their cigarrettes onto our patio when they’re done. WHO BEHAVES LIKE THAT? BUY AN ASHTRAY. OR STOP SMOKING. OR MOVE APARTMENTS. Also there was a mini carton of milk on the patio this morning so in addition to buying an ashtray, they should please also buy a garbage can to properly dispose of said mini milk. Maybe our upstairs neighbors are the people whose wireless network is called “PanGalacticGargleBlaster” even though there are kids who live in this building. And I know, I know, our wireless network is named “Horse Vagina” but that’s just equine anatomy and if we don’t teach it to the children, WHO WILL??
The moral here, in case you missed it, is that the people upstairs are assholes and we’re profound educators. Speaking of assholes, can you imagine wearing this face and head mask? I think it’s an alternative to plastic surgery. Or maybe it’s a Halloween thing. Or maybe it’s a thing you wear when you need to make zombie eyes and choke yourself, because that’s all this girl seems to be doing. Or maybe it’s none of the above and it’s actually meant to be spread flat to create a dildo jet. I don’t know what a dildo jet is, but this is definitely one of them. HALLOWEEN SURGICAL ZOMBIE DILDO JET. Also it costs $199 so the chances of them sending one to me for free so I can wear it out to the local bar are pretty low. But what if. WHAT IF. Also I’d very much like to meet the person who is buying this item. And I’d like to meet the person who is buying Instant Virgin Vaginal Rejuvenation Spray. Yes, this is a real product that you apply 5 minutes before sex to “contract your vagina walls and tighten your vagina back to its youthful state.” No, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
Capitalism is weird.
Posted in: the nicole & jamie show, wtf?!
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
DILDO JET!
And, and, and MINI MILK!
And, and, and LET’S GO GET DINNER! PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE THE GLORY HOLE PIZZA OR THE GLORY HOLE SALAD OR THE GLORY HOLE WINE BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAD THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK GLORY HOLE SANDWICHES TODAY BECAUSE WE’RE OBSESSIVE.
Yes. I’m yelling.
HI MARVIN
What about the glory hole pasta?
Perhaps you should wear the mask, then go visit your upstairs neighbor. That would scare the crap out of them while you worked towards maintaining your youthful appearance!
You guys make me want to move to San Francisco because you’re having way more fun than me. Though I’ve seen one of those masks “in the latex flesh” and I know what’s it for…
Though dildo jet is soooo close…
I’m sure the spray is a much cheaper, faster, safer and less convincing alternative to surgery to restore your hymen.
Wait….so would that spray work if I just sprayed it in the air above my bed and waited 5 mins for like a virgin vagina to magically appear? Or do you have to start with an old flappy one first? Cause option number two could get more expensive. Those are pricey on the blackmarket.
“…when you need to make zombie eyes…” and “dildo jet” literally made me LOL.
And the durty housewives of orange county, new jersey, nyc, hotlanta, gulf of mexico, antarctica, and the himalayas all probably have a year’s supply of vag rejuve spray.
First of all, complain to the manager about the fuckers upstairs using your patio as an ashtray. That is totally not cool and that’s what managers are for, to manage the douchey residents. And second of all, after you complain to the manager put your own note on thier door upstairs telling them that the dollar store sells ashtrays for a buck, and leave them a buck with the note. But make sure you do both. Leave them your own note AND tell the manager. You have to double cover douchey ppl.
Second second of all, tell the manager to have the maintenacne guy come fix the drain outside your patio so you won’t have a flooded patio. They have a job for a reason and your rent helps pay their salary. Give them something to do.
I haven’t even met you, but you make me laugh more than a lot of people I do know. I’m laughing out loud, literally, as I sit here, by myself, taking a break from emails.
Once we do meet, I will teach you how to make a fire – my mom has a wood burning stove so I’m a pro by now (and maybe a bit of a pyro). I can parallel park, but don’t think I can help you on that one – I failed my driving test because I backed up onto the curb. I also think you should have a patio party – no one needs to sit down, and you can through the cigarette butts at the people who live above you.
Lastly, if I really need to find you, I will just go around San Francisco looking for a wifi network named “Horse Vagina” and a large, empty patio.
Ok, I should stop typing before I get too creepy with this virtual friendship. or fanship, or maybe even girl crush. So next #tequilatweetup, I’ll be there for sure! I’m an official San Franciscan now, so drinks sooner are possible too. Looking forward to meeting the fun young SF bloggers. I think we could take over the world.
BTW, have you seen the shake weight??? Too f-ing funny, and I know people that have them.
My sister and her friends all have the rejuvenation spray.
It scarred me
The reason your patio drain is clogged? Cigarette butts. I know – I clogged the storm drain at my parents’ house with ‘em. Make those idiots upstairs clean out the drain.
I used to work with a crazy woman who did the same things with her face as the woman in the picture, but without the mask. I think the mask is better, because then you’re aware that they’re crazy from a distance.
Reasons why I moved into my apartment:
1. My mother is a bitch
2. My mother is a bitch
and 3. I have an awesomely large patio as well and I got 2 chairs at (earmuffs) Walmart for $20.
And I also have a giant that lives above me who also has flat feet and apparently no job so he wakes my daughter up every day. It pretty much sucks. I call him Fe Fi. And I tell my daughter to call him Mr. Fo Fum.
Peggy B. & Mandy I.N.F.M. are smarties and you, Jamie, and Marvin should have them over for a standup patio party. Wait- who is Marvin again? Also, invite Jenna just because it sounds like she could fix up a nice fire for everbody to cone in from the cool SF (and windchilling) nights. But don’t plan this on Sunday, it might rain.
The woman who lives in the apartment below me has a patio that floods because her drain gets clogged up with dog poo.
I plan on leaving a strongly worded note on her door…signed the apartment next door.
Horse vagina. *snicker*
Wait a second. I smell a lawsuit…
The face bra was totally on Ally McBeal way back when. WHO STOLE ELAINE’S IDEA?
Vag Rejuvenation Cream. What a country.
I think my old upstairs neighbors moved to your apartment! I finally gave up being nice and just called the office mgr about every annoyance. They were evicted a few months ago.
My new neighbors are all men and their wireless connection is BigBoysSteelErection. Yeah. o.O I can’t fault them too much, mine is Chateau de Lesbo.
You need a house… noisy inconsiderate neighbors are par for the course. If you find the dildo jet let me know! Totally interested in being a test subject.
Ok so I am sitting all the way down here in NZ and I found your blog and I love it. And Jamie’s. And not creepily, just that it is hilarious and I am also in a not-lesbian relationship with my flatmate who is better than any boyfriend ever. Like, Japanese for tea then the movies and then wine which turned into Margarita monday. She is A+ material.
BUT! I am also master of wood-burning fires. So stand back and prepare to get your rocks off:
First step, make sure you shovel out the COLD ash. Make sure its cold. If its not, it needs to go to a fire-proof place (I sound like my mother. Oh god).
Next – scrunch up HEAPS and HEAPS of paper. Newspaper = best, Glossy = worst.
Then, get kindling (you can chop yourself with an axe and I kind of feel like that might be dangerous for you two, so perhaps buy pre-cut) and set it up around the paper like a teepee. So they are angled out around and inbetween paper into pyramid. Still with me?
Check the flue is open so you don’t get heaps of smoke in your face, and light the paper in a couple of places, then shut the door.
Once its caught, shut the flue but you want the like power-control thingy all the way open.
Then, put on logs when the paper is burnt out and the kindling is on fire. When you want to put wood on the fire, open the flue before you open the door, then shut it off when you’ve shut the door.
Ok that was so long-winded. Sorry.
Wow…just wow….
I don’t know anyone else that can talk about dildo jets and horse vaginas in the same post. Thanks for educating the masses.
“HALLOWEEN SURGICAL ZOMBIE DILDO JET” would be a great name for a rock band.
This is the best way to do a fire: http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/02/02/how-to-build-an-upside-down-fire/
Plus it’s explained by Tim Ferriss so it’s easy and makes the best possible fire (even though you’d never thought you needed to make it upside down!)
For your neighbours, why don’t you just throw them back their garbage and add in some of your garbage (and maybe that double fist dildo you had, that would scare them) or is it way to high to do so ?
That totally looks like Elaine’s facebar from Ally McBeal.
Ahem.
Not that I watch Ally McBeal or anything.
Shucks.
You never let me down. I always laugh when reading your blog and seriously, what is up with the neighbors? I’d buy ‘em an ashtray and leave it outside their door for them, but that’s just me. Or I’d throw the cigarette butts BACK onto their patio because that’s the kind of “ha, i’ll show them attitude,” I have which always bites me in the butt.
Also super bummed I missed out on the chocolate replica giveaway. Sigh.
I’m pretty sure it’s a weird Hannibal Lecter sex toy…which…come to think of it, is the same thing as a HALLOWEEN SURGICAL ZOMBIE DILDO JET, right?
We should re-name this blog the Vagina Mono-Blogs.
I’ll be here every day.
Woah…are your upstairs neighbors the same people that used to live above me? Those assholes always used our patio as a dumping ground for all of their shit – and I KNOW that stuff wasn’t mine because, seriously, who drinks flavored bottles of Smirnoff Ice and throws their bottle caps and Kool cigarette butts onto my patio? People who want that shit thrown by the handful back onto their balcony, that’s who.
THIS is why I bought a house. No more douschy upstairs neighbors. Just the weird ones next door.
Oh, and if you want cheap patio furinture, head to Home Depot. They have comfy plastic Adirondack chairs in all kinds of obnoxious colors that are fairly inexpensive.
My neighbors wireless connection is named “Of Circle Jerking”. And its locked so of course when my iphone tries to join it, a message comes up that reads-
Unable to join the network Of Circle Jerking.
Which is fine because I’m not that curious anyway.
Fucking LOLZ. XD
What you need to do is (1) follow the smart advice that previous commenters have given, in re: talking to your building manager about managing your douche-y neighbors and unclogging the drain, &c., and then (2) convince some lovely seller-of-furniture to send you some free patio furniture. Or, you know, some weird sex furniture that could be used as patio furniture. That sort of thing is water/stain resistant, right? So it could be used outdoors?
I cannot help with the fire-starting, though. I dropped out of Brownies after maybe half a year, but the only thing we learned to do, fire-wise, was the day we spent an afternoon constructing fake campfires. Out of pretzel logs and pretzel sticks and marshmallows. No joke. Oh, Helpful Life Skills.
This may require a bulleted list so I don’t forget anything.
1. Target has great patio furniture – we just got a bistro set online from there, and it’s pretty affordable (if you don’t mind putting it together yourself).
2. Our upstairs neighbors do the EXACT same thing with cigarettes! Drives me nuts.
3. I had a dream last night that I visited all of my friends in San Francisco (because everyone seems to be moving there), and we went on a hunt to find the house from Full House.
AND isn’t San Francisco the mecca of Craigslist? Aha! Patio problem solved.
its been awhile since i stopped by here.
Anyhow, just throw shit right back at em. No seriously, if they complain then just tell em to stop throwing shit down.
Exactly, this is what I used to do…. I had upstairs neighbors throwing cigarette butts down onto my patio, and I’d gather them up, put them in a bag, and huck them back upstairs. Or just flick them up one by one if it wasn’t too windy. Urgh.
We don’t have patio furniture either and we have two porchs and a deck and we own this damn house and have been living here for more than a year. FAIL.
Also, the vagina spray might just give me nightmares.
That thing is called FaceTrainer? Are you for real? Like, if I put that on, I could train my face to do things?
I don’t know what my face would do, except look petrified.
Couldn’t that be considered a weapon if it got in the wrong hands?
Based on the description of your apartment, I know exactly where you live. You’re in trouble you dildo jet you.
I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on wood burning fireplace and huge patio!! I’m totally re-working my mental image of you to include a smoking jacket, ascot and pipe.
haha high five feminism! i can’t parallel park either!
I know you like writing about strange things like chocolate vaginas and vagina ice cubes and stuff, and strangely, when I saw this, you were the first person that I thought of. http://www.pleasuremenow.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=5576
This post made me go to the fridge and pour some milk down my throat. My brain is not working properly.
Obviously, that mask is for some kind of weird BDSM experience where the submissive is a sad, vulnerable hospital patient in a full body cast.
Either that, or it’s to cure winkles. Which have no cure. So FAIL.
I havent checked Urban Dictionary or anything, but is there some kind of offensive double-entendre meaning for Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster that I’m missing? Because Douglas Adams meant it thus; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaphod_Beeblebrox
And if there’s some sexy alternate meaning I’m missing here, I’d be horrified – I like to keep my personal dictionary of offensive slang completely up to date.