One of my favorite scenarios is when I’m having a conversation with someone and a ridiculous thing comes up and the other person is all, “You couldn’t pay me to do that,” because that’s my cue to call their over-exaggerating bluff and begin the cash-in-a-duffel-bag game.
I’m all, “Oh really? What if someone seriously gave you a duffle bag full of cash, on the spot, tax free, to do said thing right now? You’d so do it.” And the other person hesitates and is like, “Well…” and I’m all, “I fucking told you.”
And so the game begins.
After we finish the first round and this person has named their price, I start listing one absurd activity after another to see what else this person would do in exchange for a duffel bag full of cash. Although actually, money in really large quantities is often too abstract so I usually choose to play the game with a dream-come-true prize instead of a cash prize. Like, I really want to go to the Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia. I want to go there more than I want to go to any other place that exists amongst all the places ever. Yes, I’ve researched all the places ever. Yes, the world’s largest salt flats > whatever place you’re going to suggest. At least for me. Because it’s my one place. So, when playing the cash/dream-in a-duffel-bag game, I find that it’s much more exciting to offer people the chance to achieve their dream because if you play for cash-in-a-bag, people say boring shit like, “I could invest it!” which makes the whole thing remarkably less fun for me, and isn’t the entirely selfish point of this game to make myself laugh?
A few weeks ago, I made Jamie play with me. We quickly got deep into it and the prize was a trip for two to Antarctica, which is the place we most want to go together. “Okay,” I said. “In exchange for our trip to Antarctica, you have to go down on Oprah” and Jamie doesn’t miss a beat before being all, “Done” and I’m like, “But what if it’s on live TV? And you have to be naked?” and she’s all, “Um…” and I’m like, “And she has to be naked” and Jamie’s all, “….” and I’m like, “And! And! She has to finish by squirting all over your face!” which is when Jamie went all unintelligible noises on me that I think translated loosely to “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” and I’m like, “But it’s for Antarctica!” and Jamie’s all, “Are you disgusted with yourself yet? Ew, you’re not. You’re like, self-satisfied” and I couldn’t even respond after that because I was laughing so hard that I almost puked and I couldn’t even manage to say what I wanted to say, which was that I’m obviously a far better friend because I’d *totally* let Oprah squirt on my face for her.
Also, a few hours after the game ended Jamie sent me this photo via text message of what she thought Oprah’s squirting face would look like, which I think eliminates all questions as to whether or not Jamie and I are made for each other.
**
Update: I completely forgot to ask what your dream prize is and what the ridiculous things are that you’d do to win it. Clearly I suck at playing my own game. But you know what I don’t suck at? Taking one for the team and blowing Oprah so we can all go on a blogosphere field trip to Antarctica to smuggle home some adorable fucking penguins.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, the nicole & jamie show, wtf?!
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m too grossed out about the Oprah thing to think about anything else, sadly.
Like, really. I need to cleanse my brain.
I think the day we played this game while drinking entire bottles of wine out of our glasses was the day I thought, “What the fuck did I get myself into?”
The scenarios you thought up! Good lord woman! No wonder you can’t fucking sleep.
Question: Where did you two get those glasses that can hold entire bottles of fine? I’m so jealous and I feel like it’s necessary for me to get a few.
BEHOLD THE GLORY HOLE OF WINE GLASSES
This is my new favorite post of all time.
I know things I could NEVER do for cash or for trips would be to eat or drink nasty shit like they use to have on Fear Factor. Ground up mouse shakes or raw pig uteruses. NO. I would never let anyone shit on me. I would never shit on anyone. I would not go down on a woman unless it WAS for a BIG duffle bag FULL AS FUCK full of cash & there still would be no squirting on the face business. That would be the deal breaker. I would let my husband have buttsecks with another woman for a trip to Hawaii. And FUCK that shit doesn’t even cost but a couple of thousand. It wouldn’t take alot.
Gah! Yes! This is *exactly* why I love playing this game. Because like, you said you’d never let anyone shit on you. Which makes me want to say, “Never? Really? You wouldn’t let an adorable baby poop on your foot for 5 million dollars in cash? Really? Because you could wash it right off. And no one would know. And you’d have FIVE MILLION DOLLARS.”
::brain explodes::
“I would not go down on a woman unless it WAS for a BIG duffle bag FULL AS FUCK full of cash ”
Man, you mean I could theoretically have been getting fat sacks of cash for those girls I had sex with?
Wait.
Oh. Right.
BUT I FOUND THE PICTURE FIRST AND POSTED IT TO JAMIE’S WALL! ME ME ME ME ME!
Again, as I did with Jamie’s, haven’t even read the post yet, just scrolled down for the pictures.
YES. TEN POINTS FOR YOU. HEARTS.
my husband just saw this pic of oprah and said “that’s a good O face.” love that man.
i want to sleep. that’s all i want. and i’m not sure it would be legal for me to mention what i’d do to get it.
Ew. Ew. UNPLEASANT MENTAL IMAGE. BARF VOM. Also, you know you actually CAN go to Antarctica. My friend just ran a marathon there. For fun. Anyway. I’m going to go crawl in a hole and never think about Oprah again.
Dude, it’s like a minimum of $6,000 to go to Antarctica. And that’s once you’re already down in that area. Me = not having $6,000. Sigh. Also, I’d like to be able to run a marathon. In Antarctica or otherwise.
Basically you’re asking Jamie if she would go down on Oprah for $6000?
Well your not a guy and neither is Jamie, but just for reference the face squirt is probably acceptable from most any woman, with the exception being if Oprah did it, you would groove on it…..just never tell your friends or another living soul, and take the secret to your grave.
just sayin. But you know a lot of guys are bigger pussies then well pussies, so if they run screaming like little girls you need to find some real men. K? The kind that revel in the gift.
OK Nicole, would you stay in a room crawling with all kinds of creepy crawlies for cash? I’m talking wasps, bees, roaches, whateverpedes, just like, bugs for miles? KNEE DEEP IN CREEPY. No like, protect-o-suit for you? No spray, shoes, devices for killing?
I don’t think I could do it without some serious provisions. Are caveats allowed? Like, maybe I would if I could have a fucking CSI suit outfitted with a breathing tank system to keep it from touching skin and parts, to keep them from getting into places no creepy thing should ever be allowed?
I’d have to be in therapy for like, eleventy-seven years.
Other things I could never do, even for obscene amounts of money: live in isolation; vow of silence; vow not to use money for travel purposes.
I don’t fly anymore since my friend who works in airport security told me that tampons look like C4 under the X-ray machine. And I’m terrified they’ll see my tampons and make me open up my suitcase and they’ll find all my self-help books and my vampire stake and my porn star underwear. And my C4. I’d be so screwed.
http://www.lochessmonster.blogspot.com
Hmmm…I usually hate these games because I am a guarded conservative sort unless I am with friends…..but I’ll play along. I would never accept the cash/dream duffel if I could never read this blog! Ha! Any interesting side temptations you could tempt me with? Gawd, why did I say that? I can hear the wheels spinning in your head from this side of the country…BTW why is everyone skeeved by Oprah? She’s no supermodel but I imagine she would smell nice, have a sexy “O” face and teach me a thing or two and squirting is just a bonus…wait, I have said too much…
LOL @ Oprah. That reminds me of that South Park episode.
Ew. Get out of my mind, Oprah!
Something I wouldn’t do for a duffel bag full of cash? Stop being sarcastic/making comments about everything. Cause that’d be impossible for me. I’d lose and they’d take it away from me.
Oh come on…an Oprah-blow wouldn’t be too bad. Plus, in addition to getting the trip, she’d probably also give you tons of cash to keep your mouth shut about it. So now you’re in Antarctica AND you’re rich.
p.s. It took me three tries to spell Antarctica right. I am so never going there.
Wow. Just… wow. It took me a good 15 minutes to get through this post because I kept laughing so hard I couldn’t breath. Poor Oprah, having her squirt face plastered all over the interwebs.
So now I have to go pour bleach in my eyes.
Oprah blow? No way. Not even for a dufflebag full of cash. Baby poo on my foot – absofuckinglutely. Even DOG POO. I’m cheap and easy like that.
I think my one place is still a hut that sticks it’s little feet in the water and with a glass floor somewhere off the coast of Fiji.
Also? That picture is amazing.
Also? You’ve been talking about the Salt Flats since the day I met you.
what if my dream is for Oprah to squirt on my face?
Oh, ew. That’s pretty much all I can say about this one.
I would do questionable things to own a white stone flat on Santorini.
Okay. So I would do a lot for college tuition and a trip to Europe. Don’t tell me I can only have one thing cuz it’s a fucking package deal, mkay? But one thing I would NEVER EVER EVER DO would be to kill someone. Or lick a large mammal’s ass. That’s across the line for me.
Who the fuck am I kidding. I’d probably lick the ass for that fucking package deal.
Speaking of Antarctica, have you read Sandwich Girl’s blog? She spent a lot of time down there at McMurdo, and is a rad chick. Super entertaining blog!
http://sandwichgirl.com/
I’d marry Tiger in return for that divorce settlement (which obviously means I’d totally go down on Oprah… hell, I’d even gargle).
Tell Jamie she needs to sack up and take a squirt for Antarctica because according to NY times, your Antarctica visiting days are at risk. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/travel/10places.html
I can’t even limit myself to one place. So I probably shouldn’t limit the things I’d do. So, right, you want me to blow Oprah? Sure.
freakish coincidence… I, too, just wrote awkwardly about orgasm faces and the games they inspire
Is it just me or is that picture of Oprah undeniably…. sexy?
Oh.
Just me?
Um, just kidding?
that face will haunt me for the rest of my life.
OKay so everytime I think of squirting it takes me back to a video I saw forever ago of a chick squirting across the room and she was twitching around like a damn fish out of water. All I could think as I was watching it was how the fuck do I get to that point of ectasy and she looks like a fucking pig. Because pigs can orgasm for up to 8 hours and that alone blows my mind. I’d probably be paralyzed after all that. On the subject I would do almost anything to pay off my student loans at the moment because they’re sucking the fucking life out of me. I wouldnt off myself or anyone else for that matter…killing is where I draw the line…but I’d do some pretty discusting shit.
WHY WHY WHY WHY NICOLE WHY WHY NICOLE
“Id *totally* let Oprah squirt on my face for her.” this image! in my head! NO NO NO DO NOT WANT WHYYYYYYY
It’s not even erased by the hilarity of that Oprah squirt face picture. NO IT IS NOT.