So I’m sick. And exhausted. And full of self pity. And also I’m hungover because $10 for unlimited mimosas at noon on a Sunday is one of those things you can file under, “Well, it seemed like a fun idea at the time” and yeah it totally was fun, until it wasn’t, and now Monday is a very long day and please pass the iced tea.
And the onion rings. Onion rings always make me feel better when I’m hungover and sick and exhausted and full of self pity. So does showering. Except not really because showering when I feel like this makes me nervous. Not nervous nervous, but anxious nervous about how I’ll probably never want to get out of the shower because showering just feels too good and what the hell am I going to do when it actually does feel that good and I can’t get out and someone has to start bringing everything into the shower for me, things like onion rings and Champagne and this blog except not Champagne because Champagne is how I got into this situation to begin with and my blog isn’t waterproof and neither are onion rings and soggy onion rings and a soggy blog just totally defeat the overarching purpose of all that is good in the world.
Like this afternoon’s shower. Mmm, this afternoon’s shower was good. So good that I got in and it was immediately one of those times when I literally thought, “Well this is it. I’m going to die in here because I’m never leaving ever and oh well too bad because I love heat and I love steam and I love hot water on my face forever and ever” and I was standing there all, “Nope. Can’t get out. Out cold. Out bad. Shower good.” And then I turned the water up even hotter and stood even closer to the shower head until I was almost climbing inside of the shower head and one of these days all my skin is going to peel off from that much hot water but I don’t care because it just feels so fucking good and smells so fucking good with this new pomegranate & lemon verbena body wash that we just got and I know you kind of want to hate me for using a product with such a pretentious scent but don’t worry, I kind of hate me too and no, I have no idea what the hell verbena is and I’m too lazy to Google it but seriously, come inhale me and you’ll understand how delicious it smells and then we can get back into the shower together and everything will be okay.
Did I just invite you into my shower?
This is a weird day.
Also I forgot to tell you that I have a new hobby: stalking people’s Twitter bios to find the ones that give me the biggest heart boner. Like the chick whose bio says, “Basically starving to death because the economy sucks and I have an Asian Studies degree.” Or the guy whose bio is all, “I Have a Black Belt in Feelings.” That one is maybe my favorite. Fuck, this apartment is cold. I think it’s time to take another shower. And then I’m going to make Gorgonzola filled meatballs for a guy who owns a 115 page manual called She Comes First that’s all about how to give girls the best oral sex they’ve ever had. And so I leave you with this piece of advice: if you ever meet someone who nonchalantly shows you a 115 page manual with the tagline “the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman,” never leave this person’s side. Also, never wear pants. The end.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, james bond, wtf?!
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
This is utterly ridiculous and why you are my friend. Oh yea, and I’m stealing a soggy onion ring. That is all.
Hah. I own that book. Both of them. The girl one and the dude one.
AND I started pantsless Wednesdays. I’m the only girl at work, so it’s not really catching on. I wore leggings and I had a huge argument with the boys about leggings NOT being pants. They didn’t get it.
Someone invite Lindsay Smith over for a threesome. STAT.
ummm…leggings aren’t pants. the end.
What’s the girl one? Or the dude one, depending on your perspective.
Showers are made of tears, you know. So by saying showers make you feel good you’re acknowledging that you thrive on the pain and misery of others.
You invited the entire internet to take a shower with you, but little do they know you actually almost GOT INTO THE SHOWER WITH ME JUST NOW.
YES, PEOPLE. JUST NOW.
Oh, shit. Well, now they know.
I mean, yeah, WHO ARE WE?
Also? Glory hole shower.
Wait.
EWWW.
It’s just like that 80′s movie “Porky’s”! Remember, Porky’s? Gawd, I feel old….
the day after a hangover when i haven’t taken a shower, i think “why didn’t i do this yesterday with that nasty angst-ridden hangover where i was full-on tweaking and had to hide my hands all day so no one would see them jitter and i think i actually experienced wine gnats like a homeless drunk brown bagger but was careful not to swat at them so no one would know.”
anyway i love heat, hot water and steam, too. feels so detoxifying. that and some mcdonalds grease.
you should try harry’s in pac heights sometime… i’ve had more than one accidentally-blacked-out-before-4-pm-on-a-sunday as a result of their bottomless bellinis. painful the next day but so, so worth it.
I didn’t realize my last name was on there. Oopsie daisy. Because you know, there’s only one Lindsay Smith in the whole world. So, the jig is up.
Showers are good for a lot of things. I’m glad you found refuge in yours!
You only get a hangover if you stop drinking. I managed to go 3 years hangover-free with that little secret. So now I’m sharing it with you.
I have found that if you make sure not to wake up in the morning after a drinking escapade, you hate your self a lot less. Afternoons are so much easier to deal with, also the aid of coffee, with Starbucks liqueur, cream de mint liqueur, and whip cream..times 2..will help leaps and bounds.
I also could live in my shower..remember the time that Kramer, from Seinfeld, put the garbage disposal in his shower so he could cook and shower at the same time..kind of yucky to his friends, but you and i giggled and laughed so hard at their expressions!..oh wait.. that was a dream i had.. Your so super awesome your invading my dreams…but not in a crazy stalker kind of way..
Now I just want to shower and drink pomegranate mimosas while getting head.
You make me feel funny in my bathing suit area Ms. Nicole.
i, proudly, do not wear pants. peter pantsless is what i go by. word.
OMFG, Nicole linked to my Twitter page and now my life is complete (swoon). Yes, my Asian Studies degree is completely useless and the question I get 50 times a day is, “So what do you plan to do with that?”
Apparently, I plan to carry a taxidermied piranha around in my purse and take pictures of it with random/people objects and blog about it. So, umm, yeah, check that out?
Nicole – usually I can’t get out of the shower when I’m hung over because I literally can’t stand up without puking. So I lay on my back and turn the water up to an insane temperature so it’s still hot when it reaches me at the bottom of the tub. This may mean I shouldn’t drink so much.
But onion rings? Yes, please.
I am an enormous fan of this piranha thing.
Pretty awesome, huh?
Next month the piranha is going to San Francisco and to Korea. Hopefully he won’t get confiscated by customs.
are you sure that smell is your bodywash and not yummy pomegranate braised long pig?
Be careful who you invite into your shower…cannibals can read, too.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
In the meantime, please pass me the verbena shit and crank the heat up because I can’t grab anything without my stupid fingers.
The more you know.
I have that same shower fear. Like, if I could set up a TV in there and maybe a chair because standing forever would be tiring, then I’d just never leave because it’s just. so. warm. in there.
Onion rings are a total hangover saver – add to it fish and chips, caesars, and cheeseburgers from BK.
So where in the post did you invite the manual-owner into the shower with you? I must have missed it, because I’m sure you wouldn’t leave that out.
Now I want to stalk people’s Twitter bios and find which ones I deem the best.
There were these 2 guys in my dorm sophomore year who had an instructional DVD about performing oral sex on the ladies. A DVD. Just saying, some things you just need to see instead of read. Also- they became very popular. Surprise.
If these guys have since formed a club, I happen to know someone that might wish to run for president.
Nicole,
You’re basically the shit. I’ve read all of your blog posts at least ten times. Give me some of your wit? I’m going to Tweet at you, often. You’ve been warned
Have a great day (or a horrible one, if it makes for a better post. just kidding.)!
When I finally see you the first thing i’m going to do is inhale you.
(here’s hoping that this statement is just this side of too creepy!)
Also if someone will buy me that book, I will read and apply it.
Is that before or after you creepily inhale me?
Maybe you give me the Gorgonzola meatballs and I’ll just read the book, maybe. Or maybe you just give me the recipe and I’ll give the meatballs to someone who maybe didn’t read that particular book but seems to have done some sort of research and that’s okay, too. Maybe. (?)
Also, I just bought this sandalwood fig bodywash and I was to literally make out with it, naked.
WANT to. WANT to make out with it. Ah! I tried to catch it but my internet was too speedy. THE ONE TIME THE INTERNET IS SPEEDY.
Okay, so BTW, this comment that fixed the typo? Took like 3.62 minutes to post. Fuck you, internet speed.
How have they not made the Onion ring tater tot yet? Actually pretend I didn’t say that.
Um, I patented that just in case.
I SHALL BE RICH.
Like the Sqweel but in real life human form! Best. Ever. AND REALLY JEALOUS OVER HERE.
Also, I’ll come in your shower with you ANY day of the week mama. Mmm.
I had a similar monday, it was the worst. I wish I had onion rings too.
So, when you get hungover in the shower, and need to cure your hangover, where will you go since you’ll be immune to the shower-cure at this point in your life?
This is what I love about living in a place where people love to drink and the food is good. Chicken cheese poboy and onion rings is the hangover food of the gods. And the shower thing is good, too. Just not at the same time.
Hmm…I didn’t realize carrying sex manuals could get me laid big time…I’m a gonna start carrying my copy of “Guess what STD you have” more often.
Never wear pants. HA! That’s rad.
That guy’s bio is brilliant. Black belt in feelings.
Awesome.
I have a friend whose Twitter bio reads: “Ed Hardy Water. Vokka. Jesus. Revenge. These are all things that are a summation of me.” Mock-quoting Mike (AKA “The Situation”) from Jersey Shore is a surefire way to make me love you.
I also love the Tweeter (Twit?) I follow with the “Live every week like it’s Shark Week” mantra.
(Hope you feel better, post haste.)
I am currently pulling some strings to have you canonized, so that you can become the patron saint of hangovers and hilarity.
Please keep me posted on the status of this. I’d very much like to be a patron saint.
I’m on a weird diet where I can’t eat carbs and drink alcohol, and all I have to say about that is that it’s good the two things are prohibited TOGETHER, because I can’t be hungover and NOT eat massive amounts of fried carbohydrates. Good thinkin’, doc… gooood thinking.