When I moved into my current apartment last August, I did so with a suitcase full of clothes, some blue plastic martini glasses, and about 100 books. I had no furniture, other than an air mattress, and was convinced that I was finally going to have to put my big girl panties on and get domestic.
When I arrived on move-in day, my landlord let me into the apartment, pointed at the big couch and was like “You need couch? I leave couch.” And I was like, “hell yeah I need couch,” and then looked around the room and added “I need microwave too. And table, and stools, and TV, and TV stand.” And he was like “Okay, I leave those too,” and walked out.
He was barely out the door when I broke into a serious victory dance, loudly proclaiming that it was Nicole- 1, People Who Didn’t Just Score Some Seriously Sweet Free Furniture- 0. And of course, I did the obligatory: “muahahahaha.”
Since that proud moment I’ve amassed an odd collection of household belongings, including a screw driver, a vacuum that doesn’t work, mismatched dishes from the college collection at Target, a candy cane shaped cookie cutter, and a dark brown slipcover.
I went looking for the slipcover shortly after moving in, once I realized how comfortable the couch was and therefore how likely it was that people had had sex on it in the past. What I didn’t know is that slipcovers are expensive, at least all the ones I was looking at, and when I finally found a cheap one at a local going-out-of-business sale, I didn’t care that it might be just a little too small for my free couch.
A little too small indeed.
Now, about 8 months into my relationship with the free couch and its ill-fitting slipcover, I realize why the nice ones are so damn expensive- or at least why it’s important to get one that’s the right size. Because having a slipcover that’s too small for your couch? has to officially be some sort of advanced illegal torture.
It’s gotten to the point where I literally wince when people sit on my couch. Because the thing is, no matter how carefully you bring your body down on it (and believe me, I’ve tried being pretty fucking careful), the thing just rides up all over the place and before you know it, you’re octopused into it and are somehow also touching the weird greenish leather and stressing over who plowed who there last.
Or at least that’s the type of thing I stress out about, which probably says more about me than about the damn couch, but whatever. I’d like to think that I’m not the only one who wonders about the past life of reused items, and, for the sake of my worsening insomnia, I’ve just made the following mental note: never, ever shop at thrift stores.
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I can sooo identify with this post! If I just do things the "right" way to begin with ..it saves me a lot of headaches down the road. BUT It so hard to pass on a good deal though…I'm such a sucker for them:)
Little things like ill-fitting slipcovers drive me nuts.
(I love that you used "plowed.")
This entire post made me think about my second off-campus bed I had in college. It was used, and had many "dents" in it from it's previous user. Every time I rolled into a divot (which was every night), I thought about the love-making escapades that had taken place on said mattress. I didn't sleep well too often.
All that to say, I understand the dilemma of your ill-fitting slip cover and the "oversexed" couch. My thoughts are with you and those who rest on said couch. At least you can take comfort in knowing there's now way this gentleman will ever sit on your couch (although, from the way it sounds, you probably wish you could offer your couch for jail cell's bed): http://thismayconcernyou.com/2009/04/02/45-former... …
I'm really bad about that kind of thing too, unless it's in really good condition and then it's easy to convince myself that it's brand new and no one has ever touched it.
I also love that you used the term "plowed". It just reinforces why YOU are MY blogcrush.
there was really nothing about sex on a couch of interest. false advertising.
My first apartment was pretty much my parent's old living room and dining room….just 2000 miles away. I finally sold all of it when I moved south….and now I move i 3 months with nothing. My mattress is going back to COSTCO (voluntary recall on my mattress), I'm leaving my dresser….and everything else is gone.
I'll be hitting up Craigs List on my first day!
We had a couch that didn't have a slipcover and was new when I got it and it was STILL horrible and you felt like an eel when you sat in it. We got rid of it when we moved. Thank GOD.
we've been looking for slipcovers too- not because anyone has been doing dirty things on our couches, as they belonged my roomie's grandmother, but because they're blue and plaid and look like they're from 1973. which they probably are. and our walls are green. no matchy.
Maybe you can just Febreeze the heck out of the couch, so that when the slipcover rides up it isn't quite so gross? I totally hear you though. I had a slipcover for an old armchair, but it was the opposite problem. The slipcover was eleventy billion sizes too big, so I had to strategically stuff all the extra fabric into the creases and as soon as anyone would sit on it, the chair threw up all the fabric again. They would just sit there with a "WTF just happened?!" look on their face. So I eventually just took it off and I don't sit in that dirty old armchair anymore, but don't tell my friends how gross it probably is.
Your slip cover is kind of like wearing a pair of pants that are a size too small. You may get them on, but they are going to ride up your ass all day long and you won't be able to resist pulling them off the second you walk in the door. (I say this as I try to find a comfortable way to sit in my "but they fit 10 lbs. ago!" jeans.)
You should take up a collection for an upgraded slip cover.
Ugh, I haaaaaaaaaaate slipcovers with a passion. When I was in college, I was given a free comfy couch as well, that was also hideously ugly. But it was so comfy I figured what the hell I'll just "redecorate" it. So I did. With an $80 slipcover I purchased from Target. But unlike yours, mine was too big! And every time someone sat on it, the extra fabric spilled out from the cushions and bunched up. And it drove me crazy! It was just ugly. And ill-planned. And when I graduated, I left behind the ugly, comfy couch with its hideously too-large slipcover for one of my sorority sisters to use.
Ok, so the only hand-me-down furniture is a loveseat that was my little sister's in college… (would that be a hand-me-up? Hmm…). Now the idea of my lil' sis doing the nasty is in my head. THANKS.
I'd be all worried about who plowed who too. Seriously worried. I recommend buy.com.
"I went looking for the slipcover shortly after moving in, once I realized how comfortable the couch was and therefore how likely it was that people had had sex on it in the past."
Heh.
I like shopping at thrift stores for that very reason- ok, not the "who had sex on/with this" reason but the life an item lived before. It's why I like antique stores too. But some things should never be purchased used unless you are willing to deep clean it or pay to cover it. And never buy undergarments there! (That should go without saying, right?!)
LMFAO we have a pee tormented couch so I can totally feel your pain. We don't have a cover tho. And altho your post has got me shitting myself laughing, I am TOTALLY tempted to go out and buy one now.
oh man my senior year in college someone gave us an old futon and we definitely got a slip cover for that bad boy since the previous owner told us she'd had sex on it before, gah! but yeah that slip cover was crucial.
never ever shop at thrift stores? really? Nicole.
Used furniture definitely gives me the heeby jeebies too. I've never accepted furniture gifts, but I have crashed on someone else's used couch, and that makes me itchy even thinking about it!
Check Overstock for future slip covers. They always have the most random, awesome household goods!
sheets too small for the bed are just as painful.
Maybe all it needs is a good Stanley Steemer'ing? They do sofas. They might even have a gross juice removal guarantee!
Torture indeed. They've stopped waterboarding and moved onto slipcover torture.
When I lived in San Diego i think the majority of our furniture was from garage sales, with hefty prices of 25 bucks at most. since i moved to costa rica, i actually invested in good furniture, and let me tell you. i was like, never again, every time someone passed it the wrong way i'd have a gastritis attack.
The Travel Expert(a) and an Expat with a Twist
dude, home furnishings in GENERAL are hella expensive. have you SEEN how much a bedskirt goes for? riddick! this is me trying to coordinate a one-bedroom condo. i can't even imagine how much money people spend on doing an entire HOUSE. gah.
I'm such an odd ball collector too!!! I don't even have a place of my own yet…but in my current bedroom is enough beautiful crap to furnish a decent apartment (fave item – a lounge couch in a mod 70's style with avocado green pleather, and it's actually completely awesome, $20 at a yard sale) AND yes I consider you a web-socialite, and you should feel cool about that
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