When I found out that Jamie hadn’t seen the first two seasons of Grey’s Anatomy I was all, “Um, THE FUCK?? Those are the best seasons!” and she was like, “Uhhhh” and I was all, “Sit down right now, we’re watching them.”
And so we did. Four, five, six episodes in a row. We even stopped going out for a while, making our friends (HI DREA) come over and sit on the couch and watch it with us because we were too invested in the process to waste time with things like “outdoors” and “public” and “three dimensional people.”
But do you know what happens when a few women spend hours upon hours watching wildly dramatic television? They get just a little bit too into it, and one of them starts yelling at the characters on the screen and is all, “Don’t worry Meredith! No! Stop crying! You and Derek eventually do get married! On a post-it note. Also, you get pregnant with his baby. But also, you have a miscarriage before you can tell him you’re pregnant. And also, he gets shot and we’re pretty sure it turns out fine but we’re not entirely sure because season 7 hasn’t started yet.”
And then another person on the couch yells, “Don’t worry George, you marry Callie. And then you drunkenly cheat on her with Izzie. And then it doesn’t work out with Izzie because the sex is awful. Also, your dad dies. Also, you die.”
And then another person on the couch chimes in with, “Seriously, relax Izzie. This thing you’re going through? It isn’t nearly as big of a deal as when you get fucking brain cancer and start seeing visions of your dead ex-fiance.”
God, can you imagine if we could do this to ourselves? If I could go back in time and be all, “Don’t worry 17 year old Nicole, you get into NYU. But then you’re in debt for like, ever. Also, that relationship you’re in? It doesn’t work out. Neither does the next one. Or the next one. Also, you drink too much vodka and make a series of unbelievably bad decisions. And then you have to leave in the middle of class one day to take a pregnancy test. And then you almost have a heart attack from drinking 13 cans of sugar free Red Bull in a 22 hour period. Also, despite your bizarre employment history wherein you spend five years as Director of a children’s summer day camp, four years as a nanny, three months on the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange, two years at Williams Sonoma, and one year as manager and part owner of a create-your-own-cookie shop, you wind up managing business operations for Shatterboxx Media and writing a totally irreverent and inappropriate blog that gives people way too much information about your vagina.”
Which is to say, life is unpredictable. Stop freaking out. Things are either going to turn out the way you planned, or they’re not. And sometimes the “not” is the best thing that could ever happen.
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Sara, that guy you’re about to lose your virginity to? For the love of God, DON’T DO IT. That is all.
I love this entry. The end.
This is excellent, Nicole. I would’ve felt a lot better watching those two seasons – which I did in perhaps three sittings total – with hindsight. I fretted and sobbed my way through them. Although those were also very dark I’m going to die alone days. Hindsight would’ve helped there as well.
Hugs to you and glad to know you’re so happily ensconced in SF!
That last paragraph, in a nutshell, pretty much sums up while your blog will forever and always be one of my absolute favorites. Though, don’t be fooled: I mainly come here for the vagina.
Ariana, do NOT start watching greys anatomy because you WILL become addicted and you WILL cry like a baby in the season 6 finale.
not that being addicted to this show is necessarily a bad thing.
Yes.
EDANA! High-school-senior Edana! That guy you’re dating? He’s a TOTAL LOSER. And the next one you’re gonna date? Complete fucking asshole. And the one after that is going NOWHERE so don’t listen to all his talk about major league baseball because it’s bullshit. But it’s okay. YOU’RE GOING TO MARRY A DOCTOR.
Man, I wish someone had told me that.
Omg, I’m having this blog post monogrammed on my pillow.
Because, it’s like totally true.
This is most excellent. And most true. Especially the part about the first two seasons of Grey’s Anatomy being the best.
I started watching Grey’s Anatomy 3 weeks ago…You just ruined it for me. lol
“Don’t worry George, you marry Callie. And then you drunkenly cheat on her with Izzie. And then it doesn’t work out with Izzie because the sex is awful. Also, your dad dies. Also, you die.”
LOL GEORGE. Or even weirder…”Oh, Issiah Washington, uh, things don’t work out so well for you on this show.”
Great post. xx
“Don’t worry Callie, you become a lesbian. You mistakenly date Erica Hahn who really isn’t even hot. Then you break up with her and end up dating Arizona. She doesn’t want kids. You guys cry a lot. You make out very hotly in an elevator and a near-death shooting experience causes Arizona to rethink her stubborn stance of being anti-having-children-with-you. Also, Owen you’re in love with Teddy. And Christina, if you don’t fuck Avery this next season, I will kill you.”
I leave you this comment as I work my way through my 3rd Grey’s episode of the evening (having rewatched all the way to the beginning of season four in the last 3 weeks).
You girls are not the only ones who talk to the pretty doctors.
“And Christina, if you don’t fuck Avery this next season, I will kill you.” Fuck yes.
i only started watching greys during season 4. methinks i must go back and watch the first few seasons!
and yes, i totally agree that the “not” is the best thing that can ever happen. i planned to never have kids, never settle down with anyone – was going to be a highpowered career-type hotshot lawyer chick. did not work out that way – instead i’m living in sin with my longterm boyfriend and our gorgeous two year old son.
and i’m a writer instead of a lawyer. and i couldn’t be happier!
I’m glad we CAN’T do that because I was wasted most of the time anyway and would probably think, ‘FUCK..what’s that? A hallucination?! To make this go away I must drink BLEACH!’ and then, bam, as I’m dying ‘future me’ starts dissolving and – really – this only makes me want to drink more bleach.
I cannot stop reading everything you write, ever since I read How to Deal With Heartbreak! You’re definitely an inspiration, and totally make my days at work a little less boring! Thank you, don’t ever stop!
I needed this today. This afternoon I’m going to a meeting to find out whether or not I am losing my job because of my blogging. Roll of the dice as to which way it will go. In any event, I’m pretty sure vodka will end up being part of this day.
p.s. your blog could not be more relevent. Otherwise how could I have added “get a vajacial” one of my life goals?
I love this post, really I do, but it really should’ve been prefaced with SPOILER ALERT for those of us who have ONLY seen the first couple of seasons of Grey’s. Except, probably more my fault for being so far behind than yours for not asking first which seasons I’d seen and which I hadn’t.
Also? Friday.
Judging from your employment history, you’re at least 85 years old.
oh life…LOL!
Amen to that!
1. The first two seasons of Grey’s were phenom. I stopped watching after George died and thanks to you, I’m all caught up now! Holler.
2. You and Jamie should sell tickets to hang out with you in your living room. People would totally pay to spend an afternoon on your couch. Like Disneyland. Except…VAGINALAND. OMG. I’m amazing. If you do it, I get 20%. Done and done.
Dear 17 year old D…most of the best things in your life are going to happen when you don’t hesitate. Keep that in mind.
- DShan
More is better, right? So let’s hear more about this pregnancy scare. More about working on the floor of the NYSE. And of course, MORE SNOOKIE!
I made the mistake of watching the first two seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in a weekend about 2 months ago.
Also, the unplanned life is so much more exciting then the “path” that we’re supposed to take at birth.
HI NICOLE. HI JAMIE.
This is hilarious. I remember when you started doing this when I came over and ate The Cake. Aw. I wish I lived closer to you so we could watch TV all the time. SADNESS.
i can’t believe jamie hadn’t seen season 1 or 2. i mean really. but glad you changed that. because those are the best.
The last bit at the end cheered me up. Love reading your blog.
This is the best. And good timing too. I struck out on my own to write professionally last year. Now, I absolutely hate every second of it. Which means time to re-enter the work force. I’m terrified. Thanks for reminding me it’s probably for the best.
Okay, somehow, even though younger-me couldn’t hear it, yelling at younger-me about all that stuff was incredibly cathartic. I think everyone should do this. It’s like free therapy.
This is the post I have been waiting for, as I was the slightly less naive 21 year old NYU student sitting to the left of you as you not-so-subtlely ripped open the pregnancy test and left class as abruptly as you stormed in.
Also — there were some “TAB” energy drinks mixed in with the redbull. I remember it fondly as if it were yesterday.
Hahaha I have to say that I’ve done the EXACT same thing. Grey’s Anatomy is on every day on Lifetime for a few hours and my mom has started watching it with me but since it’s right in the middle I have to explain what happened before and what’s going to happen after that makes it ok, etc. Honestly I HATED Izzie after I knew she had brain cancer when she’d get upset about stupid stuff during earlier seasons… but I guess it’s not like she knew.
if 18-year-old ericka knew i had a baby at 24 she would punch me in the mouth. hard. no one tell her and if she forces you to make sure she knows i’m only having one.
don’t you love having to take random pregnancy tests? keeps the days interesting.
Love this post. I would go back and 1. tell myself to ask for more money in my first job out of college and 2. tell myself not to leave that first job to run for more money because it SUCKED.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Myself, my roommate, a bottle of wine, and drama from Seattle Grace. It’s all I needed in my life for a very, very long time. Then I bought a vibrator, and it was all good again. Except now I live alone… hmm… I wonder if those two events are related somehow…
That’s the way I rant at my past self in my head, and it would be really helpful to have a future self to tell me what to do now. Also, I liked your Grey’s Anatomy rant except I’m only through season 5 so far, so I agree with whoever said that should have been prefaced with a Spoiler Alert!
Nonetheless, hilarious!
You’re website seriously makes my day every day, dude. I live in L.A but I grew up in SF and all my friends live there, so that adds an extra element of awesome. My friend also got the vagacial from that place too and is kind of hooked but she doesn’t like to admit it.
Anyway, I work in TV so I spend hours watching TV on DVD. I justify it to myself that I’m “doing research” but really its just an excuse to sit on the couch and inhale carbs a.k.a “recharge fuel for more research”. Also, I agree: Grey’s Season 2 = Denny/Addison = epic.
I haven’t seen any of Grey’s Anatomy BUT thanks to this post i’ve added it to my ever-growing netflix queue
I’m glad that you share your life with us on your blog; you always make me smile/laugh/wish I could give you a hug.
wow!! what is this?? well, i couldn’t keep up with the speed of this post.. i guess.. whatever..
it was so cool to read this one.. fabulous perspective Nicole!! love it..
xoxo
How the fuck did you end up working at the NY Stock Exchange? The fuck?! And you followed that up with Williams Sonoma? About the only thing I’ve been in there for is SOAP!
This is a good thing though, not a bad thing. But the fuck, Nicole?!
Look, I live in SF … can we be friends?
great post… love this. i can think about 100 things i’d like to tell my former self, but hmpf, we’re not *that* close ha
God dammit Nicole, stop doing this to me! THIS is my favorite post. Pinky swear.
Dear younger self: stop dating douchebags that use you and make you hide your true self. Your best guy friend is in love with you. Ps. You make really cute kids.
Dear future self: talk LOUDER, I don’t know what direction to go.
Thanks for sharing this perspective.
I absolutely love this post. I love all your posts! You’re a great blogger. An inspiration really! You always make me laugh!!
I left you a blog award on my blog!
‘Versatile Blogger’ award!
Omg, if current me could tell younger me that actually no, you will not become a super sparkly rockstar princess when you get older, younger me would cry and slap that bitch in the face.
Actually, Jerseygirl circa 1994, no one will be mad at you if you bail out of the limo right now and don’t marry that douchebag.
Yeah, that would have been nice. Ah well, at least I can tell people what to do on TV. Not that those idiots on Grey’s listen to me. If they had, there would have been some naked Avery last season, you know?
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