my 25th birthday, a little reflection, and a whole lot of thank yous

Today is my 25th birthday.

And do you know what I’ve realized? I’ve realized that life is made up of three things: memories, plans, and deep breaths.

Memories are our past. Memories are moments that have ended, but that are ours to keep forever and ever. Memories are what connect us with who we were, even if who we were was just a few moments ago.

Plans are our future, they’re what keep us moving forward. A plan for the afternoon, a plan for the month, for the year, for a lifetime. Plans are what connect us with who we want to be.

And deep breaths. Deep breaths connect us with ourselves, with our now. Deep breaths are the only form of living in the present that I can truly understand.

We, all of us, are the sum of our parts. We’re the sum of our memories, our plans, and our deepest breaths. And, more than anything, we’re the sum of the people in our lives. We are who we are because of the tiny drops that other people have given us of themselves. I am who I am because of the delicious beauty of the people around me.

And now, at 25, in acknowledgment of that delicious beauty, here are 25 well overdue thank yous.

My mom, for making me laugh until I cry with her unbearable taste in hats, for her unwavering capacity to love, and for her mind-blowing ability to put other people’s needs before her own. My dad, for being the calm in the hurricane that is me and my mother, the solid rock in my soul, and the jaw-on-the-ground example of optimism in spite of reality. My grandpa, for being unapologetic in his pursuit of himself and for embodying the belief that your life is in your stories. My cousin Beth, for being the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister. My nieces Allison & Julianna, for being the reason I try to leave each day better than I found it. My brother Mat, for destroying the cliche that asks us to step all over each other in order to achieve greatness. Noreen, for unlimited margaritas, unlimited loyalty, and unlimited proof that family isn’t only biological.

Stephanie Klein and Chelsea Handler, for writing the memoirs that prompted me to start this blog and for giving me something I can point to and say, “Yes, that, right there, that’s what I want.” Every single one of my blog readers, for absorbing my crazy and making me feel that community isn’t tied to geography and that we have the unimaginable power to make a difference in each other’s lives. All of the 2009 & 2010 BiSC attendees, for taking a chance on a neurotic girl with a bright pink blog and traveling to Vegas with nothing more than a belief in the magic of shared experiences.

Mr. Wasley, for telling my 4th grade self that I had no choice but to write, and for only slightly raising his eyebrow when my short fiction became as bizarre as my decision to wear knee socks every single day. Professor Berg, for letting me take every single class she taught at NYU, and for helping me start my explosive love affair with food.

My former employers, for unknowingly forcing me to stand up for myself and for showing me the meaning of “enough is enough.” Frankie, for picking me up off the floor when I was six inches from hell and for being my foundation when I wasn’t strong enough to stand on my own. Dr. Jerri, for destroying everything I ever believed about the stigma of therapy and empowering me to save my own life.

Everyone I’ve ever slept with, for letting me fall in love with them in a hundred different ways, for holding the mirror I needed to see myself more honestly, and for being the barreling train that got me from point A to point B.

Jonathan, for being the only consistent tie to my high school self, and for making me realize the value of quiet strength and timeless friendship. Jada, for forcing me to examine my boundaries and discover what it means to be there for someone no matter what. Jess, for not judging me as I set my life on fire over and over again, and for being the kind of friend who, when the fire is over, helps clear the smoke while hitting on the firemen. Doni, for open-heartedly agreeing to the 20 minute rule in which we can call each other without explanation, set the timer, and have 20 minutes of unconditional, uninterrupted word vomit. Drea, for understanding the overwhelming humor in bad decisions, and for encouraging me to define what being an adult means on my own. Derek, for sitting across from me on that couch when I was so lost that I needed a road map to find my road map, and for continuing to make me believe that what I want is not just lovely, but possible. Chelsea, for being the clearest possible example of what it looks like to follow your dreams with limitless abandon. James Bond, for drinking me as I am, and for challenging everything I thought I knew about letting someone in.

And finally, Jamie, for literally everything. But, most of all, for showing me what the absolute best version of myself looks like and for giving me the safe space I need to reach it.

I am who I am because of the delicious beauty of the people around me, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been having all of you to share this birthday with.

Squishy hugs & uncontrollable love,

Nicole