August 24, 2009

moving, voicemail, and potentially living in a brothel

So I’m moving out of my apartment in two days. Which, obviously, means someone else is moving in. But really? I fucking wish it were that simple, me moving out and them moving in, like ships passing in the night.

Instead, it has gone something like this:

It’s 1:45pm. My phone rings. I’m napping. I don’t answer. My landlord leaves a mildly coherent voicemail of “Nicole, this Mohammed, tenant come to view apartment at 2:00. Okay. Bye bye.”

I listen to the voicemail, curse, get out of bed, walk to the closet to put pants on, hear my front door open as Mohammed walks in with the potential tenants after what has only been like 35 FUCKING SECONDS, shriek, run in my closet, frantically put on sweatpants, come out, scurry around the room picking up clothes and throwing them in the corner, attempt to exchange pleasantries with the people who are walking around my apartment, step back, look at the apartment from their perspective, decide that empty wine bottles, condoms, and a 40 pack of Rice Krispie Treats are totally things that scream, “WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME,” say goodbye to Mohammed and the tenants, momentarily wonder if instead of feeling warm and welcome, they’re gonna be all, “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A BROTHEL,” decide that I don’t really care, and get back in bed to finish my nap.

Last week though, Mohammed and his wife finally rented the apartment, which is awesome, because now I can pack and move out without worrying that it looks like a tornado came through overnight. I can also stop worrying about the fact that since I gave away all my dishes and cookware, I’ve been living on wine and Rice Krispie Treats. Because really? if no one is walking through to judge me, it doesn’t even count.

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

1 rachel August 25, 2009 at 2:39 am

i could totally live on wine and rice krispies treats. which, is another reason we are soul sisters. win.

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2 Kaci August 25, 2009 at 3:05 am

Maybe wine, condoms and Rice Krispie Treats are exactly what those people need! Who doesn't like alcohol, sex and junk food… ? I mean really.

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3 TherapeuticRamblings August 25, 2009 at 3:21 am

Don't let them cramp your style!!

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4 Becca August 24, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Thank goodness you’re back!! Faithful readers the world over joined me in mourning ur absence from the blog-o-sphere.

Those ppl should know they’re basically gonna live in the Graceland of smart, hilarious, fabulous women. WIN.

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5 doniree August 25, 2009 at 4:17 am

the new tenants will only WISH they could reach your level of EPIC WIN. oh, ps, see you soon :)

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6 miss. chief August 25, 2009 at 6:32 am

it is ALWAYS like that for some reason, like, you're never expecting the people to come see the place while you're in it

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7 Phil August 25, 2009 at 6:55 am

Moving sucks, even when it's summer where you want to move. So are you remaining in LA-land for a while? I totally want to hang out with you again!

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8 nicoleisbetter September 2, 2009 at 3:49 am

Boo, no! I'm in Arizona for a month, before heading off to new adventures! Don't worry though, we'll definitely hang out again soon :)

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9 jenniferalaine August 25, 2009 at 7:07 am

Pssh… Rice krispie treats, condoms, and wine? Sounds like the best brothel EVER. I'm sooo in.

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10 nicoleisbetter September 2, 2009 at 3:50 am

We should totally start a Bloggers Brothel.

No? Too much, haha?

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11 Kat August 25, 2009 at 10:58 am

Reading your blog makes me feel so staid and boring. Please come to NYC and spice up my life a bit, would ya?

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12 nicoleisbetter September 2, 2009 at 3:50 am

Sometime before the end of the year lady. I PROMISE.

Aka: start getting ready right this second.

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13 Matt August 25, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Have you ever made rice krispy treats with fruity pebbles? Do it. It's fucking amazing.

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14 terra August 25, 2009 at 12:25 pm

I cold live on wine and rice krispie treats too. In fact, I'd like to. I think the only reason I consume anything other than wine at this point is because I have a husband who really likes food.

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15 Kyla Roma August 25, 2009 at 1:13 pm

It doesn't count even for a second, because it's you Nicole, and you're up and down, too much fun for it to be anything other than endlessly charming lol

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16 nora August 25, 2009 at 1:55 pm

What should they expect the week before you move out? An orchestra and candles? I think not. I always live off the bare minimum before I move, usually cereal and cheese (but not together, obviously).

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17 Peter August 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm

I… wouldn't mind living in a brothel.

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18 Lindsay August 25, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Why are landlords pretty much always sketchy? At least you don't have to deal with him anymore.

Also, in Rhode Island a group of more than four women living together is considered a brothel. For real, it's a weird law from long ago. Another reason I love that state.

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19 ShandaR August 25, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Wine & Rice Krispy treats on a daily sounds like heaven to me. Gotta try it one week.

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20 steph anne August 25, 2009 at 9:29 pm

I hated moving but loved unpacking! He should've waited until you moved out to show them the apartment.

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21 Jessica August 26, 2009 at 1:27 am

God I hate packing. And the VM you get from your landlord sounds like the same ones I get from mine. Weird!

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22 MinD August 26, 2009 at 5:36 pm

Psh, if I saw an apartment like yours, I'd think "how can I be her friend?"

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23 Angel August 27, 2009 at 1:52 am

Over the past few days, I've learned that landlords aren't very good at communicating with their tenants. Hurrah to new renters! There's nothing like rice krispy treats to warm a home. :)

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24 dwmatty August 27, 2009 at 2:16 am

Hallo……Niko? Dis is Matty. I fine you poster veddy funnee. I laff hart.

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25 Jenny Jen jen August 28, 2009 at 2:02 pm

This is SO funny! I KNOW the feeling. JUST moved myself, accept I broke all my fucking wineglasses…leaving me drinking my wine out of a pint glass. I'm a classy bitch- truly. lol

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26 nicoleisbetter September 2, 2009 at 3:52 am

I'd drink wine out of a fucking hollowed out apple if I had too. Who's the truly classy bitch now, haha??

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27 Crystal August 29, 2009 at 8:28 pm

just started reading your blog (i'm a bloggy and real life friend of Kerri) and, well, I love you. I have a huge fucking girl crush on you and will now blog stalk you :)

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28 E.P. August 30, 2009 at 2:59 am

I'm happy to hear that you are/have moved out of the old place. I think I could live on wine and Rice Krispy treats, too. So no worries.

Where are you headed?

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