I’d like to preface this post with the following statement: GETTING PULLED OVER BY A COP IN REAL LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE IT IS IN THE FUCKING MOVIES.
Initially, I didn’t even know that I was being pulled over, since it was my first time, but when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the cop on his motorcycle, lights all flashy flashy in my eyes, I screamed, cursed, and decided that pulling over was better than potentially ending up on the 5:00 news.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t mean to be on my cell phone. I mean I did, obviously, because I called her, but the phone was literally only in my hand for a fucking SECOND before I pressed the speakerphone button and put it down on the passenger seat.
And yet apparently, in California, one second of touching your phone equals a $120 ticket. A HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLAR TICKET.
The cop who pulled me over was nice enough- well, as nice as you can possibly be when you’re a big douchy asshole who gives someone a HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLAR TICKET for something that isn’t nearly as dangerous as eating a sandwich while driving. And yet that’s perfectly legal and I see people basically eating five course dinners in their car while simultaneously masturbating and putting on mascara all the fucking time.
So I saw the flashy lights, pulled over, rolled down my window, and we chatted for a bit, the cop and I. And by “chatted,” I mean I desperately tried to bat my eyelashes at him and make him feel bad that it’s almost my birthday and I’ve “never ever been pulled over before in my whole life ever I promise amen,” but that shit got me NOWHERE. I even gave him the “if-you-ask-nicely-for-a-peek-at-my-nipples-in-exchange-for-a-warning-I’ll-totally-do-it-and-by-the-way-I-have-great-nipples” face, but… nothing.
Which brings us back to the fact that getting pulled over by a cop in real life is absolutely nothing like it is in the movies (porno or otherwise) and I’m now completely convinced that either I’m not as cute as I think I am, or the cop was gayer than a box of Elton John shaped rainbows.
I’m hoping for the latter.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
This is crummy. I've never gotten out of a ticket but I'm usually too sweaty, worried, close to tears to even attempt some seductress move. I did read in a magazine that if you are pulled over for speeding the best thing to do (if you want to get out of the ticket and let's face it, who DOESN'T want to get out of a ticket?) is to say you were speeding because you had to go pee and were searching for a bathroom. Apparently shaming yourself is more likely to get you out of a ticket than any amount of eye sexing with your lashes.
The only sure winner is to get one of those bluetooth handsfree thingies and activate voice dialing on the phone. I use a car service a bit and all the drivers have them for this exact reason.
Ugh, SUCK. I'm the queen of getting tickets. I just can't seem to talk my way out of anything.
I have been pulled over a total of six times in my life, but I only twice actually got written tickets two of those times, and both times, the cop gave me a break and wrote that I was only doing 10 over the speed limit. It must be my big, beautiful brown eyes {read: amazing rack}.
“if-you-ask-nicely-for-a-peek-at-my-nipples-in-exchange-for-a-warning-I’ll-totally-do-it-and-by-the-way-I-have-great-nipples”
Ha! Why am I picturing this as a seductive eye brow raise?
Also, it is probably good that I'm not a cop, because, "Yay! Nipples!"
OMG! You are on a roll with the funny! I especially love the imagery of Elton John rainbows. It most definitely probably was the latter, but I'm biased in thinking how cute are you.
I think my life would be perfect if I could eat a five course meal while simultaneously masturbating.
That would take some serious skill. I guess I've never been THAT coordinated.
You totally should have put Rachel on the phone with him! That girl is untouchable by law enforcement! I too have never had any luck schmoozing with cops. Maybe Rachel can show us her moves? ……please?
Jeez, that totally sucks! Why couldn't you have just propositioned him like in the movies and be let off lol
Ugh, sometimes cops are just douches. I've managed to get off with a warning once…but apparently that was really really lucky for me. The best thing to do is act really innocent and unassuming…naive almost. That's what I learned from my situation.
I'm definitely thinking that guy's gay though, if he was that impenetrable by your flirting.
Haha, I'm sure you're still cute. My dad's a cop in California and they're nice.. trust me. They just are fed up with the ignorant people not following laws, so they don't take anymore excuses. Sorry you couldn't get away with that. I didn't even know about the new cell phone law. I'll be more careful the next time I visit my parents! haha
UGH – i'm sorry. In FL it's not illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving…yet. It probably should be though. There's nothing worse than out of town tourists navigating their way on the interstate while simultaneously yelling at their kids in the back seat and having a conversation on the phone.
I got a ticket shortly after moving to Denver for making an illegal left turn into the back entrance of our apartment complex. The cop was all like, I'm sorry I can't just give you a warning but there have been several fatal accidents here. I was like, how is that possible when the road is totally straight, there is a double-left-turn lane down the middle, and it is legal to make left turns 50 feet from here in both directions? He reduced it, but it was still $71 and a point on my license. Ugh.
Also, the other day I saw a woman driving while eating a bowl of cereal with a spoon.
kyla – OF COURSE. i'll let you in on all my tricks in vegas.
(really though? i have none… i dont get it). I have gotten quite a few tickets, but only for silly things like having something hanging from my mirror instead of say… going 30mph over the speed limit.
and really nic? i have never felt more guily or laughed harder in MY LIFE. you were all "holy fuck, i think i'm getting pulled over. wait, i'm not. Shit, yes I am, I gotta go, BYE." And I was just sitting at my desk all like "did that just fucking happen? Well, at least she's cute, she should be fine. OMG ITS ALL MY FAULT."
but, i love you, and i'll totally go halfsies with you on the ticket. haha. and guess what? I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW. LOVE.
Same thing JUST happened to me! It was for speeding though…but I like your point that he must be 'gayer than a box of Elton John shaped rainbows' because I was in a pretty low cut dress on my way to a rehearsal dinner and he had absolutely no mercy. There's a rumor that if you write your check for the speeding ticket for one cent over, they have to mail you back a check for 1 cent and then if you never cash it then they can't do something – like cash your check or send it on to insurance or something.. I don't know, but I'm going to give it a shot! tickets suck!
Oh that sucks! I've been pulled over so many times that I don't even get nervous anymore! And nothing works! I always get the fucking ticket! Sounds to me like you need a bluetooth my dear!
He was gay. Period.
Oh, that sucks. I've never gotten out of a ticket either, though, most of the cops that have pulled me over have been women. There is never getting out of a ticket when it's a woman. I really hope that cell phone law doesn't take affect down south.
I swear it used to only be a $50 ticket. Man, they upped those prices!!
You need a Do Not Like button on here because I Do Not Like This.
Especially since I totally held my cell phone up to my ear on the freeway on Sunday night and all the passengers in my car were all like "(hushed tones) Omigosh, that's so illegal." Illegal, yes, but what about the fact that it makes me DRIVE LIKE A GIANT DOUCHE? What about that? Buy me a bluetooth or stop fucking calling me, assholes. I live in my car.
Gay. Clearly.
You'd think that being on the phone with Rachel, an actual TICKET would be the last thing that cop would've given you.
PS. See you tomorrow?! kdafkjad;lfa.
That is all.
definate fudge packer!
I can't imagine being pulled over for talking on a cell phone of all things. People do far worse while driving and act like complete idiots. Is there a cop around when that person does something incredible stupid and dangerous to others? No, of course not. I mean I've seen people READING A BOOK while driving. Seriously, how can you do that when you aren't in stop and go traffic?
Ew.
I'm sorry.
Lame.
Sorry to say it, but he wasn't gay. Cops are just dicks. Totally not like the movies… I have two damn speeding tickets to prove that! And I'm a DD. What the crap!
I've been pulled over twice, and gotten one of them lessened.
And also got out of a parking ticket – the cop purposely put down the wrong license plate number on his ticket! Hah.
Oh man I've never gotten pulled over (MAJOR KNOCK ON WOOD HERE!!), but whenever I'm flying down the freeway to get home I try to think of ways to get out of tickets just in case. I'm sure I'd just get the grumpiest cop out there who'd ticket me anyways, but it doesn't hurt to practice your best innocent look, right?
Very lame.
i have cried my way out of tickets. But I am really crying, because I can't afford to pay the ticket I am about to get. Your cop was a complete dickface cause usually when they see you haven't had a ticket, they just warn you.
okay that is so lame. boo on ridiculous tickets. i can't believe it was that much. sheesh.
Nicole, you have to remember getting out of a ticket in Californina is almost impossible… the state is broke so they need all the revenue they can get. From past experience and two tickets 17 years ago, no matter the reason, getting out of a ticket there is only in your dreams. Boy did he have good eyes to see you pick up the phone. So sorry about your ticket. They are trying to pass the same bill here in Oregon. When they do the revenue for the state will go sky high because they use them all over. Again, so sorry for the duchebag cop…
It's funny because the first time I got pulled over I didn't realize I was being pulled over either and I tried to let the cop pass. He didn't, so I drove home and he followed me. THAT'S when I realized I was being pulled over. I got a warning, but 6 months later I got pulled over… by the SAME COP (I have a lead foot, give me a break, I still maintain that the first time I didn't accelerate just went with the flow of the hill and the second time… everyone speeds there!) – anyway, he walks up to me and goes "Hey, I remember you! You're the girl who drove home and her mom came out into the driveway." Yeah, couldn't avoid a ticket that time.
I'd like to make it known that I haven't been pulled over since, knocking on wood as we speak.
Boo to getting pulled over! That sucks
Hahah–I have never gotten a ticket, but have been pulled over twice. Once was when I had my permit and my mom was in the car. I swear he was flirting with her–ick! The last time was the night I was moving out of my house–it was dark and my tail light was out. I couldn't hear him very well, and I told him I had to read lips, and he got panicky and let me off with a warning.
ick tickets suck.
and I WANT A BOX OF ELTON JOHN SHAPED RAINBOWS.
Oh no! Getting a ticket SUCKS. I've never gotten pulled over, but if I did, I'd probably burst into tears, and hope for some sympathy.
I've tried crying. It never ever works.
elton john shaped rainbows…yes that is great!! never works with me either. sorry, girl!
"gayer than a box of elton john shaped rainbows" HAHAHAHAHA. awesome.
but not the ticket. boo.
Damn it! Seems like cops are the same bowl**** everywhere! I recently got a 200 Euros fine for eating an apple while waiting at a red light in Paris. Yeaaahhh it sucks!
Ohh, "gayer than a box of Elton John shaped rainbows" is now one of my favorite phrases ever.