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October 7, 2009

lunch, king henry, and agonizingly stupid hypothetical questions

You know what I hate? That question where someone’s all, “If you could have lunch with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?” I fucking hate that. Because my life is crazy enough as it is without being forced to answer questions that are insanely stressful and yet completely insignificant.

But people ask. And I get sucked in. Because I’m hyper-aware of myself and I CAN’T STAND not knowing how I feel about something. Even something stupid like which person out of all the people who have ever lived I’d like to have lunch with. Yeah, even that.

Actually, especially shit like that. Because it’s a test, you know? Like, “Ooo, are you creative and smart enough to come up with an answer that isn’t as generic as ‘Jesus’ or ‘my dead grandmother’? No? Haha, sucka.”

Although, in reality, I’d quite like to have lunch with Jesus. And my dead grandmother. Both of my dead grandmothers. Maybe all four of us at the same time. “Grandma Ruth, this is Grandma Antoinette. Grandmothers, this is Jesus. And I’m Nicole. And we’re having unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden.”

Because of course I’d take Jesus to the Olive Garden. Or maybe a Las Vegas Buffet. Except for the fact that buffets make me incredibly anxious because how in fucks sake am I going to fit ALL THAT DELICIOUS FOOD INTO MY BODY WITHOUT THROWING UP??

So maybe no buffet. Maybe Chinese food. “Here Jesus, have a dumpling.” Except I don’t think my grandmothers liked Chinese food. But it’s pretty safe to assume they’ll eat whatever Jesus is eating, no? And also? I’m thinking that I should invite Kate Beckinsale to lunch too. For the sole purpose of her being hot and British and someone I would quite like to make out with. Which reminds me, I’m also inviting King Henry VIII. Not for the making out, necessarily (although would I really turn that down?), but because I’d love to ask him if, after beheading his wives, he later regretted no longer being able to sleep with them. Like, what if Anne Boleyn gave better head than Jane Seymour?

Posted in: wtf?!

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristen October 7, 2009 at 9:15 pm

For the sake of argument, if you were a fruit what would you be and why?

just think about it…

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Lacey Bean October 7, 2009 at 9:15 pm

So you're saying on Friday I shouldn't ask you which Disney prince you'd most like to bone, and why??

(P.S. I'm all about Prince Charming. Or Prince Eric. But definitely not that Prince from Beauty and the Beast cause he was kinda FUG.)

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Doniree October 7, 2009 at 9:21 pm

PRINCE ERIC, HANDS DOWN.

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nicoleisbetter October 7, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Are you kidding? I'm boning Aladdin. Little monkey and all. Wait, I mean..

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Erin October 7, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Kinda fug? The Beast was WAY sexier than that prince. Blech.

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Arielle October 7, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Hi, I have the same name (sort of) as the Little Mermaid and thus I have dibs on Prince Eric. So BACK OFF BITCHES. Kthanks.

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Doniree October 7, 2009 at 9:15 pm

"I CAN’T STAND not knowing how I feel about something" – This I knew about you :)

And this is hands down one of my favorite of your posts EVER. And why wouldn't Jesus like soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden?

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Jamie October 7, 2009 at 9:18 pm

One: I want to make out with Kate Beckinsale, too. Threesome, ftw.

Two: This is the best sentence in this entire post, which is saying A LOT because this post is awesome: "Grandma Ruth, this is Grandma Antoinette. Grandmothers, this is Jesus. And I’m Nicole. And we’re having unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden."

Question is: if you ordered wine, would Jesus be all, "Ew, honestly, this is my blood." And then the bread? DUDE THAT'S JESUS' BODY!

Cannibalism, ftw?

Also? I used ftw twice in this comment. I'm so internet lame.

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Peter October 7, 2009 at 9:21 pm

I love so many things about this.

I think it's MY turn to propose to YOU after a blog post.

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Dijea October 7, 2009 at 9:45 pm

I so have a girl crush on Kate Beckinsale. Especially in that outfit from Underworld. She's HOT as a vampire.
I vote Chinese Buffet.

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Erin October 7, 2009 at 9:46 pm

So, I would totally take Jesus to the Olive Garden…or for Chinese. Who doesn't like Chinese food? Plus, it's probably been a while since Jesus had his last crab rangoon. I'm guessing there was no shrimp fried rice at the last supper.

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Jay October 7, 2009 at 9:51 pm

I always answer this question with "My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson". Not only will I get a glimpse into my future, but he will totally be on board with talking about awesome not-yet-thought-of inventions for me to profit off of, because that means some sweet family money for him when he gets back. Did I mention that I like to call "paradox-free" on hypothetical scenarios in advance?

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Arielle October 7, 2009 at 10:03 pm

Okay, you are a huge liar because in ranting about how much you hate answering that question, you totally spent the whole post answering that question and clearly enjoyed it. BOOYAH. PS, you know Jane Seymour didn't give head. It was alll Anne.

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Damian O October 7, 2009 at 10:13 pm

I'd double team Cleopatra with Ghandi.

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jenniferalaine October 7, 2009 at 3:43 pm

There are way too many points in this post that I want to high five you for but for the sake of time, high five for making out with Kate Beckinsale. And I’ll totally make out with King Henry while you’re busy with her. Hank and I have a lot in common I think.

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Cheddar October 7, 2009 at 11:09 pm

You are amazing. I second the high fives. Triple high five in fact! Now go enjoy some tequila.

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katelin October 7, 2009 at 11:20 pm

i think the four or five or six of you would have more fun in vegas. there are fountains (and um jesus can walk on water) and delicious magical buffets (so everyone would be happy) and yeah. that'd be one amazing get together, haha.

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Beth October 8, 2009 at 12:04 am

By the way Grandma Ruth loved Chinese Food. ;o)

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brookem October 8, 2009 at 12:56 am

but this post is why i heart you.

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Mary October 8, 2009 at 1:38 am

It's like you're in my head. But you can stay there, I kind of like it.

Kate Beckinsale is hot but I would rather make out with Tea Leoni. Thoughts?

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camels & chocolate October 8, 2009 at 1:51 am

I HATE that question too! And never bother even thinking about it, as it doesn't even warrant a response!

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Maxie October 8, 2009 at 1:58 am

BUFFETS ARE SO STRESSFUL.

You pay all that money and then there are all these AMAZING things and you just can't fit it all!

HORRIBLE.

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Late Night Drama Queen October 8, 2009 at 2:44 am

“Here Jesus, have a dumpling.”

Perfection.

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Becca October 7, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Ok, first of all, you wouldn’t take Jesus to Chinese because he’s all “been there done that” about coming back for seconds, and we all know he’d be hungry after 3 hours and need more…

Second, I wouldn’t have lunch with anyone. I’d have brunch with Johnny Castle, cocktails with jeneatte winterson & John Irving, and dinner with bucky, my dad’d dad who I never met. Drinking meals only, people, COME ON.

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Jen October 8, 2009 at 6:07 am

I don't know if I have ever told you this, but your random postings are pretty much the best thing ever. I work third shift and if I get a bolded (1) next to your blog name in my Google Reader, I know I'm in for a treat in the middle of the night. Your brain works so much like mine it is creepy. That is all.

Oh, and in regards to the Prince Eric vs Aladdin debate, http://tasteofapoisonparadise.blogspot.com/2009/1

Yeah, I went there.

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Heather October 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Kate Bekinsale FTW! I would looove to make out with her. It's rumored that she could play Cat Woman in the new batman. Mmmm her in a leather cat suit. Can't get much better than that!

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nora October 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm

How can a post be pointless if it makes us laugh?

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Shaba October 8, 2009 at 2:22 pm

This post made my night.

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Gofahne October 8, 2009 at 5:19 pm

You crack me up on EVERY post you write. This is EXACTLY how I think and then I inevitably end up really pissed off at the person who asked because it's THEIR fault I over think every minute detail of everything. No really, someone asked once, if I had to give up either singing or dancing, which would I give up. It sent me into a state of panic because somehow I truly believe that one day I might have to make that choice and if I don't know the answer I'll make the wrong choice and then be depressed because if I'd just answered the damn question that "one time" maybe I'd know.

So yeah…all to say…I get it.

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steph anne October 8, 2009 at 7:20 pm

I'd love to have smoked oysters with Jesus anytime. :)

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cdp October 8, 2009 at 7:28 pm

soooooooo needed that laugh today. you rawk.

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Kaci October 8, 2009 at 9:04 pm

I think I'd probably end up burning in hell if my grandma (may she RIP) and I had lunch with Jesus.

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MinD October 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm

I hate all hypothetical questions mostly because my answer makes no difference whatsoever. Why does it matter who I'd eat lunch with and why? 'Cause hey, it'll never happen. So lame.

Wow, that response of mine is terribly sad and pessimistic, huh? Ha.

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Jessica October 9, 2009 at 3:43 am

Jesus to an Olive Garden? F*cking awesome. Wonder if he goes for the never ending pasta bowl

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Elizabeth October 9, 2009 at 8:13 am

I freeze at that question too. I'm pretty sure Jesus would at least want the Fonduta at Olive Garden, or even better, the Melting Pot.

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dmb5_libra October 9, 2009 at 3:42 pm

this post made me lmao.

also, i've read henry VIII was quite hot when he was young (the catherine years)

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Elle October 9, 2009 at 10:23 pm

LOL, but it seems you've come up with quite the number of people to have lunch with!!

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Not Afraid To Use It October 10, 2009 at 3:45 am

Las Vegas buffets rock. And having Jesus to dinner would be awesome because you wouldn't have to pay for any booze. He'd just keep flapping his hands over everyone's water glasses, and the wait staff would think "Jesus, that guy must be Italian with all that gesticulating going on."

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Jennifer October 10, 2009 at 4:40 pm

So, this has to be my favorite post EVER. Jesus and unlimited breadsticks? It doesn't get better.

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Jason October 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Love this! Found you through Indie Ink and think you're a fantastic writer!!

Perhaps you could have Satan stop by for dessert and help him and Jesus work through their issues? Just a thought… :)

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nomadic matt October 12, 2009 at 8:28 pm

i would love to make out with kate beckinsale!

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