You know what I hate? That question where someone’s all, “If you could have lunch with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?” I fucking hate that. Because my life is crazy enough as it is without being forced to answer questions that are insanely stressful and yet completely insignificant.
But people ask. And I get sucked in. Because I’m hyper-aware of myself and I CAN’T STAND not knowing how I feel about something. Even something stupid like which person out of all the people who have ever lived I’d like to have lunch with. Yeah, even that.
Actually, especially shit like that. Because it’s a test, you know? Like, “Ooo, are you creative and smart enough to come up with an answer that isn’t as generic as ‘Jesus’ or ‘my dead grandmother’? No? Haha, sucka.”
Although, in reality, I’d quite like to have lunch with Jesus. And my dead grandmother. Both of my dead grandmothers. Maybe all four of us at the same time. “Grandma Ruth, this is Grandma Antoinette. Grandmothers, this is Jesus. And I’m Nicole. And we’re having unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden.”
Because of course I’d take Jesus to the Olive Garden. Or maybe a Las Vegas Buffet. Except for the fact that buffets make me incredibly anxious because how in fucks sake am I going to fit ALL THAT DELICIOUS FOOD INTO MY BODY WITHOUT THROWING UP??
So maybe no buffet. Maybe Chinese food. “Here Jesus, have a dumpling.” Except I don’t think my grandmothers liked Chinese food. But it’s pretty safe to assume they’ll eat whatever Jesus is eating, no? And also? I’m thinking that I should invite Kate Beckinsale to lunch too. For the sole purpose of her being hot and British and someone I would quite like to make out with. Which reminds me, I’m also inviting King Henry VIII. Not for the making out, necessarily (although would I really turn that down?), but because I’d love to ask him if, after beheading his wives, he later regretted no longer being able to sleep with them. Like, what if Anne Boleyn gave better head than Jane Seymour?
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
For the sake of argument, if you were a fruit what would you be and why?
just think about it…
So you're saying on Friday I shouldn't ask you which Disney prince you'd most like to bone, and why??
(P.S. I'm all about Prince Charming. Or Prince Eric. But definitely not that Prince from Beauty and the Beast cause he was kinda FUG.)
PRINCE ERIC, HANDS DOWN.
Are you kidding? I'm boning Aladdin. Little monkey and all. Wait, I mean..
Kinda fug? The Beast was WAY sexier than that prince. Blech.
Hi, I have the same name (sort of) as the Little Mermaid and thus I have dibs on Prince Eric. So BACK OFF BITCHES. Kthanks.
"I CAN’T STAND not knowing how I feel about something" – This I knew about you
And this is hands down one of my favorite of your posts EVER. And why wouldn't Jesus like soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden?
One: I want to make out with Kate Beckinsale, too. Threesome, ftw.
Two: This is the best sentence in this entire post, which is saying A LOT because this post is awesome: "Grandma Ruth, this is Grandma Antoinette. Grandmothers, this is Jesus. And I’m Nicole. And we’re having unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden."
Question is: if you ordered wine, would Jesus be all, "Ew, honestly, this is my blood." And then the bread? DUDE THAT'S JESUS' BODY!
Cannibalism, ftw?
Also? I used ftw twice in this comment. I'm so internet lame.
I love so many things about this.
I think it's MY turn to propose to YOU after a blog post.
I so have a girl crush on Kate Beckinsale. Especially in that outfit from Underworld. She's HOT as a vampire.
I vote Chinese Buffet.
So, I would totally take Jesus to the Olive Garden…or for Chinese. Who doesn't like Chinese food? Plus, it's probably been a while since Jesus had his last crab rangoon. I'm guessing there was no shrimp fried rice at the last supper.
I always answer this question with "My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson". Not only will I get a glimpse into my future, but he will totally be on board with talking about awesome not-yet-thought-of inventions for me to profit off of, because that means some sweet family money for him when he gets back. Did I mention that I like to call "paradox-free" on hypothetical scenarios in advance?
Okay, you are a huge liar because in ranting about how much you hate answering that question, you totally spent the whole post answering that question and clearly enjoyed it. BOOYAH. PS, you know Jane Seymour didn't give head. It was alll Anne.
I'd double team Cleopatra with Ghandi.
There are way too many points in this post that I want to high five you for but for the sake of time, high five for making out with Kate Beckinsale. And I’ll totally make out with King Henry while you’re busy with her. Hank and I have a lot in common I think.
You are amazing. I second the high fives. Triple high five in fact! Now go enjoy some tequila.
i think the four or five or six of you would have more fun in vegas. there are fountains (and um jesus can walk on water) and delicious magical buffets (so everyone would be happy) and yeah. that'd be one amazing get together, haha.
By the way Grandma Ruth loved Chinese Food. ;o)
but this post is why i heart you.
It's like you're in my head. But you can stay there, I kind of like it.
Kate Beckinsale is hot but I would rather make out with Tea Leoni. Thoughts?
I HATE that question too! And never bother even thinking about it, as it doesn't even warrant a response!
BUFFETS ARE SO STRESSFUL.
You pay all that money and then there are all these AMAZING things and you just can't fit it all!
HORRIBLE.
“Here Jesus, have a dumpling.”
Perfection.
Ok, first of all, you wouldn’t take Jesus to Chinese because he’s all “been there done that” about coming back for seconds, and we all know he’d be hungry after 3 hours and need more…
Second, I wouldn’t have lunch with anyone. I’d have brunch with Johnny Castle, cocktails with jeneatte winterson & John Irving, and dinner with bucky, my dad’d dad who I never met. Drinking meals only, people, COME ON.
I don't know if I have ever told you this, but your random postings are pretty much the best thing ever. I work third shift and if I get a bolded (1) next to your blog name in my Google Reader, I know I'm in for a treat in the middle of the night. Your brain works so much like mine it is creepy. That is all.
Oh, and in regards to the Prince Eric vs Aladdin debate, http://tasteofapoisonparadise.blogspot.com/2009/1...
Yeah, I went there.
Kate Bekinsale FTW! I would looove to make out with her. It's rumored that she could play Cat Woman in the new batman. Mmmm her in a leather cat suit. Can't get much better than that!
How can a post be pointless if it makes us laugh?
This post made my night.
You crack me up on EVERY post you write. This is EXACTLY how I think and then I inevitably end up really pissed off at the person who asked because it's THEIR fault I over think every minute detail of everything. No really, someone asked once, if I had to give up either singing or dancing, which would I give up. It sent me into a state of panic because somehow I truly believe that one day I might have to make that choice and if I don't know the answer I'll make the wrong choice and then be depressed because if I'd just answered the damn question that "one time" maybe I'd know.
So yeah…all to say…I get it.
I'd love to have smoked oysters with Jesus anytime.
soooooooo needed that laugh today. you rawk.
I think I'd probably end up burning in hell if my grandma (may she RIP) and I had lunch with Jesus.
I hate all hypothetical questions mostly because my answer makes no difference whatsoever. Why does it matter who I'd eat lunch with and why? 'Cause hey, it'll never happen. So lame.
Wow, that response of mine is terribly sad and pessimistic, huh? Ha.
Jesus to an Olive Garden? F*cking awesome. Wonder if he goes for the never ending pasta bowl
I freeze at that question too. I'm pretty sure Jesus would at least want the Fonduta at Olive Garden, or even better, the Melting Pot.
this post made me lmao.
also, i've read henry VIII was quite hot when he was young (the catherine years)
LOL, but it seems you've come up with quite the number of people to have lunch with!!
Las Vegas buffets rock. And having Jesus to dinner would be awesome because you wouldn't have to pay for any booze. He'd just keep flapping his hands over everyone's water glasses, and the wait staff would think "Jesus, that guy must be Italian with all that gesticulating going on."
So, this has to be my favorite post EVER. Jesus and unlimited breadsticks? It doesn't get better.
Love this! Found you through Indie Ink and think you're a fantastic writer!!
Perhaps you could have Satan stop by for dessert and help him and Jesus work through their issues? Just a thought…
i would love to make out with kate beckinsale!