I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, about the place where small details blur into big picture and wondering what, in the end, I most want to be remembered for.
I bring this up in conversation one night, shyly, and tell him that I want to be known as someone who makes other people’s lives better.
He tells me that I already am that person. I want desperately to believe him.
I share that I’m unsure of whether or not I’m making the right decisions.
“About what?” he asks.
“About everything.”
He nods. I’m quiet.
What I don’t say in that moment, what I want to say, is that I’m not proud of myself. That it feels like everything around me is just a serious of flawed situations, strung haphazardly together with barbed wire and masking tape. I want to say that it feels very much like I’m completely losing my shit.
He breaks the silence, tells me that I’m the type of person whose energy lights other people up. He emphasizes my name when he says it, “Nicole, Nicole.” I hope he doesn’t just do this because I’m crying.
I take deep breaths. I confess that all I really want is to connect with people, but that for some reason, I’ve spent the past two years carefully constructing a life of profound loneliness.
We talk about my friend, the one who recently committed suicide, and I ask, “Is it possible that we, all of us, don’t really know each other at all?”
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, quarter life crisis
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
nicole, i hardly know you, but nearly every time i read your words here, i erupt in fits of laughter. obviously i don't have the whole picture, but what i know makes me smile, INSPIRES me. yes. YOU inspire me. and i know i'm not the only one. you're making lives better just by living your own.
just so you know.
Nicole, it'll come together. Lisa and I have been sitting on my couch talking about how great you are. We think we're right.
i think everyone feels that way at some point.
i know i do.
You seem to be a great person to me. And you make us all laugh so much.
Every day you get up and give yourself to your kids at camp. You are providing them with memories of a summer vacation that they will remember in bits and pieces for the rest of their life. "Hey, remember that time the truck backed into the kitchen…?"
In times like these, when death is upon us, we get lost in the frailty of life. But the most important thing to remember is that, yes, we do know each other; not always well, not always in the same way, not always at the most opportune times but – we know each other, we see each other.
I think this time in our lives is the scariest; we are setting up paths for our future selves, hoping that the decision that we make today lead to successes and happiness later on. Nicole, I believe your work is working itself into an amazing life path, and I hope that you can take these scary moments of uncertainty, these series of flawed situations and haphazard moments and realize what you are, who are you, is great.
My best to you in this difficult time.
I don't know if there are ever any "right" decisions. You live with gusto and integrity and that's all you can do, you know?
You entertain and inspire a lot of people and that's something. Please know that that's something.
My love, we are all swimming around in a giant vat of ridiculous uncertainty and insecurity. I know I am, and I know that I stress and worry about even the most minute decisions, even though I'm someone who believes that things always happen exactly the way they're supposed to happen. I've also spent a great deal of my adult life pondering my mortality and that of the people I love, and I know exactly how that feels.
Just don't think you're alone in that, because everyone feels it. Some people don't talk about it, and others are better at concealing it, but trust me. Also, you've done more shit in your early twenties than most people do in a lifetime, and I think you're really fucking brave. Besides, even if you do make the wrong decision once or twice, it was meant to happen that way. You'll gain something from the situation and you'll keep on going.
My phone is always on, darling. I know what these manic fits are like firsthand, so don't struggle by yourself.
This was a very powerful piece, Nicole. If you want to get to help people, get out there and do it. We may not always have jobs to feel good about or be able to save evey person who needs saving, but there are other ways to make a difference. I find that doing long-term volunteer work–where you have the opportunity to really get to know the people you are helping–is very fulfilling.
Your honesty through your blog has always touched me. Has always brought me some comfort in the things that I've been dealing with, thinking about and coping with. We've never even met in person and I can honestly say that you've helped make me feel less lonely when all I can feel is alone.
I really appreciate that.
More than I can ever say.
i can't agree with what d said more. every time we go somewhere… you're mentioned, and in an AMAZING way. you are touching peoples lives that you don't even know. i was telling doni last night that my life is amazing right now because i met you girls. because of you, im inspired. i feel stronger, i am more sure of who i am. you are an amazing woman living an amazing life. <3
I've been reading your blog for over a year now, maybe even more, and I've never met you. BUT you are one of the best parts of my day! Checking my reader to see if you've updated. Laughing along with you through funny times and nodding my head in emphatic agreement during the times when you feel so unsure. Because I do too. HELL, we all do. That's part of what our 20s are about.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. There is nothing like death to make us scared to be alive, to live freely and fully. For some, it's a rude ass reminder that we haven't done enough, been enough, made enough, etc. For others, it's an impetus to retreat into our shell and protect our hearts. For even more, it's the inspiration to do something amazing.
Whatever you do, keep waking up and being the amazing, funny, selfless person that you are. You may not be 100% certain of your decisions, but that's ok. It's ok to be unsure.
My real comment is in that email you just got from me, but I want to add to this – you ARE touching people. You DO come up in conversation when we talk about 20sb and Hands In and people who are making a difference and have HUGE ideas and the energy and ambition and dedication to make them happen. You are most absolutely making an impact and touching people's lives. AND YOU'VE BARELY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE.
You're inspiring. You know that YOU are the reason I've taken half the chances I've taken this year, have lived a little bigger, and felt that I also could make a difference.
I love you, honey
And actually, you come up in conversation in my life when it has nothing to do with 20sb or HandsIn and just because you HAVE made an impact in my life in a personal way as well. So there's that.
Oh, sweetheart. You're making the right decisions for the moment. They don't have to be forever, even if if can feel that way. I think he is absolutely right in how he describes you. And I think you have nailed it – I believe there is some piece of every single person that we do not know at all, no matter how close we are.
I am so sorry about your friend.
well you've made my life way better. Your blogs make me laugh and brighten my day because of that, and knowing there's someone else living their life on a prayer and a roll of duct tape is more reassuring than you can imagine.
The advice and encouragement you gave me the first time we talked sticks with me to this day.
And I haven't even met you yet.
Nicole, I've never even met you and you have made my life better. Through our FAR TOO INFREQUENT gchat convos I definitely feel like I've made a connection with you and I bet TONS of other people feel the same way. So cheer up Charlie and know that you are well loved. =) Now come to New York, biatch.
I couldn't agree more… about all of it. That is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately.
It's nice to know that you're not alone in those feelings.
If it hadn't been for you, 26 of us wouldn't have met up in Vegas.
You wouldn't have had a single-hand in changing many of our lives.
Your blog? Makes me laugh and smile.
You? Hilarious, amazing, beautiful and making a difference. You're a camp counselor who CARES. You have started online groups, movements and spread joy.
Do we all know each other as well as we should? Probably not. I don't even think I know myself sometimes, but I think, once we realize that we don't each other/ourselves, is the moment that we can start to grow.
Also: i'm jealous of you because you dare to live. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Your words constantly inspire me, you are one of the few bloggers that, even if I don't check my google reader for WEEKS, will go right to your site just so I can read what you write. You have made me want to push my boundaries and live outside the box. You are an amazing person and you are definitely touching the lives of many many MANY people.
Now, like Arielle said, get your ass to NYC!!
Other than the funny, you also have a gift for expressing the poignant. I'm in my thirties and all that offers me is a slight foresight into what the near future offers for you. Some things will get easier, some things will get harder. Even if you think you know yourself, circumstances will change and you have to as well. The world has become more complicated than the times of our grandparents. Just know that everything happening in the moment that is now will be of some use in the future, if even just another blog post that will potentially change how someone feels. If barbed wire and masking tape is all that is holding everything together, sometimes that's okay. Sometimes it doesn't have to be pretty.
P.S. I haven't yet met you but I can say you have profoundly affected my life for the better.
One thing I tell myself when I feel like I'm caught in the storm of this whirlwind called life: Nothing good ever came easy. I think the point of life is figuring it out. And while you may feel like you're lost and flailing, I KNOW you've got it in you to make it through and do something amazing in this world. You're already doing it! With HandsIn, the day camp, and so many other things you take on, you ARE making a difference and are enabling others to do so as well. Don't worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will worry about itself.
Girl, are you crazy? Look at all this love people are leaving for you. YOU ARE SO LOVED! & admired! & adored! & needed… by so many people. Take heart in that, & never forget it. :]
<3.
& I agree with Nora. YOU, my lovely one, are responsible for the amazing friendships I have found myself in while traveling to Vegas on a whim. YOU! & you deserve mad props & kudos for that.
You've touched on something we all feel at one time or another. This is beautifully written.
Honey, I would rather have the right basis and motivation and a thousand missing details than have all my ducks in a row and not know where I'm going, why, or why I should care.
Also? I don't know how possible it is to *really know* anyone, in that our identities are fluid. Are you the same person that you were before you lost your friend? I say that because I lost a friend in April, and I am not the same. So not the same.
Don't know about you, but I build walls so as not to notice that no one is standing on the other side.
<3
nicole i would just like you to know that you do light up a room, you are awesome and i seriously get more energy every time i'm around you. you are fabulous and don't you forget it!
I think we all feel that way sometimes. But you do make people's lives better, you are a light in mine
This post reminds me a lot of the song "Nobody Knows me at All" by the Weepies.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. My heart goes out to you. You may be feeling like a single, solitary person… but you are by no means alone. I admire your go-get-'em attitude and fierce passion for life. You -are- making a difference. Without a doubt.
Oh, Nicole. I think we all feel this way at some point or another, especially when we're dealing with a recent loss.
But you've got to remember that there are so many amazing things about you. You're the reason 26 of us went to Vegas. You're (one of) the reasons HandsIn exists. You are INCREDIBLE, and you've got so much in front of you and you have already changed so much! Chin up, dear. And if you want to chat, let me know.
I am so, so, so sorry to hear about your friend. I think we all feel a little lonely, unsure, unworthy at times. But, you are totally awesome. ::big hugs::
I don't know you, but your blog does inspire and you never know who's life you touch with just simple words typed out onto the screen.
Thank you for a great blog! =)
The more time you spend asking yourself hard questions and interrogating your idea of who YOU are, the better you will know humanity. Because here’s the biggest little secret: we’re all connected.
If you worry about making an impact, remember that your biggest contributions to the world will spring from your smallest gestures, starting with giving yourself a break and remembering that life. is. good. (even when it’s bad)
You are an amazing person Nicole, an up and down amazing one. I think that what you say about not knowing each other even when you're close with someone, is possible. But I know that kindness helps, and that reaching out to other people helps. You're doing the right things- but from what I know of your situation right now, you're exhausted and are right on the cusp of huge changes where you'll be traveling and running around for a year. There is so much about to happen, I think that just this alone could make the best of us shaky, especially after the death of a friend.
If you need to be closer to community, I vote instead of traveling you find that community and move closer to it. Or maybe this big trip could be a great way to move from place to place to be with people you love. Take care of yourself first. And don't put too much of this on your shoulders- it can't always be you reaching out, other people have to match the energy you're putting out in their direction.
There's a small army of us who adore you, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. And I have free long distance, yo. =) <3
wow, tender and heartfelt.
i think you should be proud of your achievements and don't let the negative thinking skew your view tooo much. i know that's easier said though. also, i know exactly these feelings.. i'm a contradiction too. i really want to connect with people, yet i spend most my time in loneliness.. i've been thinking about that lately. i wrote a journal entry where i say life doesn't matter much to me, its the people in my life that make it worthwhile and wonder how i could feel that when i haven't built much of a community!?
“Is it possible that we, all of us, don’t really know each other at all?”
Very possible, but I don't think we can know as much about our friends as much as we'd like to.
i haven't been here in a long time – ya know – baby and all…but i missed you and read this on my blackberry last night at 3 AM while I was feeding her and felt the need to come back to comment.
i don't think any of us – if we're being raw and honest – are ever really sure we're making the right decisions. i've never met a person i love and respect who didn't question some of their decisions some of the time.
i think that you are wrong about constructing a life of loneliness. i think that you work hard to connect to people- at least as far as i know you do from this blog. and you have been successful at that. successful enough that i wanted to meet you and others have as well.
and if you were truly constructing a life of loneliness you wouldn't reach out to make those in person connections. and you wouldn't touch others with your words here.
suicide is a horrible thing and it (death in general) will make us question everything. but don't question the lives that you touch. you'd have to work hard to not notice how many people you touch on a daily basis – from the person you are talking to in this post, to the people who have commented here to the campers who i am absolutely positive love and adore you.
and no, you can never truly be sure that you know someone. but what an unfulfilling life it would be to wonder all the time. you have to trust that you do know people and occasionally, you'll get hurt. but it will be worth it for all the people that you DO truly know.
sending you love.
I love you
if that counts for anything 
I feel like that post came straight from my own heart. I had an almost identical conversation with Nate last night before falling asleep. You're not alone.
What a profound statement and as I read it I thought to myself, I feel the same way! I've just been led to your blog, but already love it and will subscribe. Since I'm new, I'm just guessing and hoping that you will be okay. I do know for a fact that we all feel that way sometimes and you know what? I don't really think it's a bad thing. Maybe it's telling you it's time to reevaluate things.
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
~lori
This is beautifully written, and I have to say – I totally connected with every word. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, because in sharing them, you must realize that you are much less alone than you thought.
You are incredible. (But I'm sure you must already know that!)
i met you last night at the Gap event. You are so sexy, smart and sweet. you have nothing to worry about.
Give yourself time. We just need more time… Jesus, I'm grasping desperately to this theory!
Perfect writing. I'm in love with a new blog. Thank you!
I found you via IndieInk, and I love your writing. I will be back.
I’m late. I’m catching up to your (amazing) posts. and I’m 40 this year. My twenties were terribly fun and terribly difficult.
I just want you to know it gets better, and you forget about all the “uncertainty” you felt in that decade.
Your twenties are like a little stream that twists and turns and does not quite know where it will end up. It’s fun, it’s scary, it’s thrilling, and at times it’s fucking terrifying.
But let me tell you this: it inevitably ends up as a mighty powerful river. Stronger and wider and more powerful than you ever thought possible. That my dear is a wonderful thing.
And it doesn’t end there. I’m guessing that some day the Mighty River reaches the Great Sea. But I’ll stop there before I make you all sick with my analogy. I think you get it
Be well, and I’ll find out what happens as I (joyfully) trot through the rest of your posts. I wish I had you when I was in my twenties. You’re a real gem.
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