Sometimes Craigslist is my most favorite thing in the galaxy. Like when I’m feeling sad and I read through the missed connections and see that some 22 year old guy took the time to reach out to the “cute blonde girl who cuts hair sometimes at Sport Clips Pleasant Hill” to tell her that she’s adorable. Because even though this guy can’t put together one single coherent sentence for his maybe dream girl, and even though it’s clearly not about me because I’m not blonde and I don’t cut hair and I’ve never even heard of Sport Clips Pleasant Hill, it makes my cynical heart flutter about how maybe love *is* a real thing and I’m not going to die alone surrounded by eleventy thousand empty jars of Nutella and a wardrobe of leopard print Snuggies.
But then I click over to the jobs section, where I’ve been spending the better part of every single day in pursuit of just moving to San Francisco already, and it’s only 3-6 minutes before I entirely lose the will to live. Because frantic, time sensitive job hunting is even more frustrating than walking behind one of those total fucking idiots who thinks it’s okay to just stop in the middle of the street for no good reason.
So I’m job searching, right? Which means that at least once per day my head explodes and I have to lay in the middle of the floor and count backward from 50 and tell myself that somehow, everything is going to be okay. It’s times like this that if I’m talking to someone online, the only thing I can do is smash my hands into the keyboard and press enter to indicate that THIS IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD SOUNDS LIKE: dflgkjdglkwrjgdl.
Which is freakishly similar to how someone who is much more awesome than me created a Twitter account for Helen Keller and it’s just tweet after tweet of random letters like “Fenstpaaarb” and “Ghaaaaaarnge!” and “Peeb,” and every single time I see an update I laugh hysterically until there are tears running down my face and I’m holding my crotch trying to force the pee to not come out because seriously, I don’t care how amazing you might think Helen Keller was, I think Helen Keller jokes are absolutely the best jokes, except for maybe some of those really fucked up dead baby jokes or anything that ends in a person having accidental sex with an animal.
Other than that though, nothing makes me laugh harder and more obnoxiously than Helen Keller because that wildly handicapped bitch was an author and a lecturer and a political activist and I’m 24 years old and I can hear and speak and see JUST FINE and I spend the entire day on mother fucking Craigslist, wondering where the line is between “sort of broke” and “broke enough to reply to that ad seeking men and women of all shapes and sizes for a NUDE CLEANING SERVICE.” And then, because I’m bad with self regulation and can’t really tell where ANY of the lines are, I just make fun of Helen Keller some more. Which is only one of many reasons that if hell exists, there’s no way I’m headed anywhere else.
Oh, and because being in hell alone would absolutely suck, I’d like to pause for a quick second here and give a huge shout out to whoever created that Helen Keller Twitter account and say that if you’re a woman, I invite you to be my roommate in hell where I’ll braid your hair and we can have pillow fights and play a version of Never Have I Ever where if you’ve done the thing the other person mentions, you have to dip your toe in lava. Or fire. Or whatever the hot stuff is that makes hell so scary. And if you’re a man, my ring size is 6 and I’d prefer a princess cut diamond on my engagement ring and you better make it a big one because if we’re going to be stuck in hell together for all eternity, it’s best to start out on the right foot. And also because I’m just totally fucking worth it.
Posted in: wtf?!
{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }
i think someone should just give you a book deal already. and that would be your job. and everyone would buy it, including helen keller.
I'm thinking that this is the best idea I've ever heard. Even better than the Helen Keller Twitter, which is already better than mac & cheese and sex. So basically, Katelin's ideas > everything else.
Yes. Just yes to this entire post. Job searching is making head slowly implode.
What Katelin said. The writing lately is getting stupid good.
You made me laugh so loud my roommate heard me through the wall and wanted to know what was so freaking funny when I was supposed to be studying for my final tomorrow morning?? {because it CLEARLY wasn't the subject matter…there's nothing funny about Administrative Law} So I read her this post and now she's laughing too.
Thank you
You made me laugh so loud my roommate heard me through the wall and wanted to know what was so freaking funny when I was supposed to be studying for my final tomorrow morning?? {because it CLEARLY wasn't the subject matter…there's nothing funny about Administrative Law} So I read her this post and now she's laughing too.
Thank you
It begs the question of how to smuggle a ring into Hell. I bet you can't just stuff it in your starfish like it's a kilo of cocaine wrapped in child porn. Er, or so I hear. If I find it in me, the ring that is, and I can track you through Hell, which would be quite a surprise to me as an atheist, I'll happily give it to you and proclaim you the love of my life. I mean, I'm sure you're plenty awesome, and what else would I have to do there, ya' know?
I assume you were hungry when writing this since you say it's best to start out on the right food. Unless we have to like regrow from babies in Hell, an idea that makes me suspicious of my childhood and casts doubt on the ring smuggling option. For me, currently, the right food is Indian. Perhaps a vindaloo, but we'll see.
Well, I established years ago that Hell is actually going to be way more fun than Heaven anyway. All the things you hear about going on Hell for eternity (minus the burning flesh stuff) sounds much more exciting than fluffy clouds and angels. Puh, angesl sound boring. I need demons dancing around a maypole if I'm going to be there for infinity.
So… see you in Hell… where Helen Keller will laugh with you laughing at her. Oh wait… can Helen Keller laugh?
Um, my internet freaked out and posted my comment over and over! yikes! sorry
i effing love that i know exactly what you're talking about with the laughin so hard you're about to piss yourself. I love that
btw, i might not make helen keller jokes but i'll certainly be in hell and if i'm right down the hall from you, you're totally welcome in my room ANYTIME freshman dorm style – just don't burn popcorn in my microwave. That shit stinks.
Ever played the game Apples to Apples? My friends know that the Helen Keller card will make me laugh at almost anything. Thanks for pointing me to that twitter account. I'll be the one hosting barbecues on the 4th circle, you're welcome to swing by.
Oh my goodness, yes. I once played HK for "Hopeless." In front of my boyfriend's entire family.
I've got plenty of hand baskets for all of us to get to Hell comfortably!
helen kellers twitter is amazing. i heart it.
and i love missed connections. its the first craigslist section i read. my coworker likes to answer them/post fake ones for people she knows & dislikes….that can be pretty funny too. we will hang out in hell.
You've seen the Helen Keller Simulator, right? http://helenkellersim.com/ . I can't help but love it, even though it is wrong.
Oh my god. I never and I mean NEVER comment on blog posts. I just HAVE to tell you, you are hilarious. I don't even know you and I love you.
"And if you’re a man, my ring size is 6 and I’d prefer a princess cut diamond on my engagement ring and you better make it a big one because if we’re going to be stuck in hell together for all eternity, it’s best to start out on the right food. And also because I’m just totally fucking worth it."
I absolutely love this. Thank you.
Ha, I just deleted the other two, no worries darlin
It's not so much that I was writing hungry, but more that Craigslist has made me totally fucking blind and unable to tell the difference between that thing I eat and that thing at the end of my leg. Sigh. Fixed the typo.
Never heard of this Hellen chick, but I'll check out her twitter page.
Yeah, I've lived under a rock until now. Also known as Europe.
And speaking of Missed Connections, do you know this blog?
http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com/
the drawings are awesome, I think.
Good luck in your job hunting adventure!
Wow. Also, I just clicked on that link and now I am laughing hysterically.
Um, HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? High five Susan, high five.
god you make me laugh. i think you're balls to the wall funny.
I can't even put together a comment to express how much i fucking love your face. This post? MY LIFE EVERY DAY. Except I didn't know about that helen keller twitter thing and so now I will go add that to my list of things to do.
I agree with Katelin, you MUST write a book. Or a thousand. So I can read them and laugh hysterically for years.
Okay so that's a really nice thing to say and I'm thinking we should probably make out. Or something more socially appropriate. Like, you know, "thanks!!"
The horrible thing is that I actually own multiple snuggies.
dude missed connections is my shiz. i was on there once… e-mailed the guy back and everything. and then i realized that it was flattering but a bad idea so i stopped.
HAHA I can't believe that Helen Keller twitter. And you get funnier by the second, I swear.
Seriously, this post made me cry with laughter. I can't fucking wait to hang out with you.
You're funny. I want to play Helen Keller with you. Ghaaaaaarnge!
Hahaha sooo funny. I hope you find a job soon, wouldn't want your head exploding anymore!
Oh, my love for you is lesbonically strong. That's a new word I made up just for you. It's a combo of "lesbian" and "bionic." LESBIAN STEEL. That's my love…
Also, job hunting is the pits. The deepest, hairiest, sweatiest pits ever. EVER. I feel ya, sister. Keep on keepin' on…
Lesbian Steel would be the best band name ever.
Can I 'favorite' this post?! BECAUSE WAY TO GET ME ON THE FLOOR AT GATE 18 at the MSP International Airport. Peeb. That was my favorite part.
I’m taking an SST straight to hell. I had my tickets since kindergarten.
Q: How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
A: Break her fingers.
Shit! They've got LEOPARD PRINT snuggies? I might have to revisit my strict anti-snug policy…
I am Helen Keller.
STOP PEEING.
But really. When she said "narffff" I almost died. So did my friend Lauren. That's why we're friends.
As far as Craigslist goes – when all hope is lost – and the lines are very blurry and you've already searched through missed connections in cities that you dont even live in because all you want is a big sparkling ring someday and you're gong to find him on craigslist – that's when you click on "gigs". Gigs are a great place to look when "jobs" isn't cutting it. Just an FYI.
AND I'm sure you already know this but you can search craigslist from the comfort of your own bed, toilet, tireswing or giraffe thanks to the handy iPhone app. It's called Craigsphone. Get it. Now. Like, stop reading this GLORIOUS comment and go.
Interning for the Bloggess has unleashed a whole new variety of crazy in you – and I LOVE IT.
And if you don't find Helen Keller – I'll hack the account, really be the owner, and then we can have pillow fights AND I'll get you a rock. How's that sound? TWO BIRDS.
Wow, I've been having that same brain exploding feeling while job hunting on Craigslist and any other site I can think of. Most days by the time my husband gets home from work I'm just sitting on the couch in a semi-comatose state just muttering about how my best option is that kid who needs to hire someone to write papers for him for the next 4 semesters and how I'm really rethinking that whole "English major" thing.
Let me preface with saying that I was all “Who is this bitch that had the balls to become The Bloggess’s intern!? (i’m so fucking jealous, GAH!)” and got out my Haterade when I clicked over to read your blog…
I can’t be mad. You’re brave and crazy and a pottymouth and I think I have a girlcrush on you. Even though I didn’t create that Helen Keller Twitter account, I kinda want to room with you in hell. Or at least hope that you’ll visit the booth that I have reserved.
Hilarious your post is! I agree with the first commentator! You should write a book. I'm positive you'll be a success!
Sometimes (read: every week)…. I save up your blogs for a few days… so that when I come back and read them it's like I have a whole lot of Nicole instead of just one blog at a time. You're too good to read in small bursts.
Plz be my best friend plzkthx.
I just laughed like a crazy person for like 5 minutes straight alone in my cubicle, so thanks for helping to confirm the office-wide rumor that I've lost my mind. I cannot wait to live with you. Also, I want to read this post to pretty much every human being I know as a litmus test for how much I want to be their friend.
Thanks so much for that – I will be joining you in hell because that is HILARIOUS.
Good luck on the job hunt. And let me know if you decide how broke is broke enough, because I am almost there myself.
You have NO IDEA how comforting it is for me to know that someone is in the exact same boat as me. PS my new married last name seriously is Keller
Best line: "…the only thing I can do is smash my hands into the keyboard and press enter to indicate that THIS IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD SOUNDS LIKE: dflgkjdglkwrjgdl."
My response?
sdfkldjfglkdsjg;ldskfgj;dfgdfgkdf;gkdfgk
I mean, you see what I'm doing, right? Now that your whole office thinks you're crazy, you'll HAVE to quit and move to San Francisco with me.
Thank you for introducing me to the unparalleled hilarity that is @Helen_Keller.
You are one of the greatest people on the internet. You FTW.
Friken hilarious as usual! I'm going through the same thing. Finding a job is tough. Especially since I want to find a job I love and not work at a tanning salon (again) cleaning up fat people sweat! I know I'm smart as hell and can be the god damn best at the position I'm looking at. It's just about someone finally giving me a chance! It really sucks to have to make shit Christmas presents out of construction paper and leftover Halloween candy! FTW!
-Casi
@SFNoobs
This post RULES.
This has given me the best laugh I had all day, Nicole, and if I had money I would employ you just to make me laugh all day because I am SURE that would make my life soooo much better. And I am being utterly sincere here. (It doesn't happen often, so appreciate it!)
One of the funniest things I've read in months. Thanks!
I absolutely love everything about your blog… which is why I gave you an award… that and I want to mooch off your blog-fame. jk. sort of… nah, really do love the blog, the list is great… keep on keeping on. Stop by and collect your award if you get the chance.
When you come visit in hell? I'll totally give you a pair of the cranky panties as a housewarming gift.
yeah that's pretty much amazing. When I hear stuff like that helen keller thing I just think. Man, I'm so funny myself, why didn't I think of that?
I love everything about your blog… which is why I gave you an award… that and I want to mooch off your blog-fame. jk. sort of… nah, really do love the blog, the list is great… keep on keeping on. Stop by and collect your award if you get the chance.
Lol nice post. I laughed and laughed and well pretty much just laughed. Also, that is the longest post title ever.
Hell is where all the cool bloggers end up anyway. Tell Helen I said what's up. Ha I kill me. Helen Keller jokes are better than sliced bread.
I fucking love (L-O-V-E!!!!!) Helen Keller jokes. I take great pride in knowing more Helen Keller jokes than any of my friends. All the jokes are totally inappropriate and offensive and fucking hilarious and several of them even mention masturbation and one mentions a grapevine and all of them are FUCKING AWESEOME. Also, Helen Keller's twitter page almost made me laugh so hard I fell out of my chair just now.
Okay, new rule: You have to just randomly start emailing me Helen Keller jokes. Seriously. Do it.
You like Helen Keller jokes?!
YOU LIKE HELEN KELLER JOKES!?
We must be married immediately! I'm the queen (or thought I was) of the HK joke.
On Thanksgiving, Twitter Helen said "Yaaaaaaaaam"
I laughed for hours.
missed connections and helen keller twitter…I love it here.
If you want, there's room in my bunk in hell. I ran off all of my other options for roomates because I laugh at really innapropriate times and things. It's ok, because they were just going to hell for cussing and drinking and were going to be boring roommates anyway. Be my roommate and we won't limit our laughter to Helen Keller, I'm sure we can find something funny about people with minor disabilities too. After all, I'm an equal opportunity laugher.
Yup, you're awesome. I've never heard a Helen Keller joke before (I'll confirm the suspicions…I live under a rock), and now, I want more.
I see I'm not the only one who laughed hysterically at this
I thought it might be just me because I've been up all night, but, no, this really is incredibly hilarious!
If you do ever fill that wardrobe with snuggies, you can then move on to slankets (http://www.theslanket.com/index.php?main_page=pro… Read some of the product descriptions if you need to laugh hysterically at something!
Just discovered your blog, by the way, and it is completely awesome.
…and I thought I was an asshole for mocking those singing deaf kids on Glee. You win.
What? Jenny the Bloggess won't pay you. What a cheap bitch.
Uhm. So after about 4 entries in, I've decided I love you. I mean, I practically had to tear myself away to stop reading long enough to leave this comment.
i totally had yo digg this http://digg.com/d31Ca3T
If you're going to Hell for enjoying Helen Keller jokes, God has no sense of humour.
Also, I'm sure all the interesting people are in Hell, so really, it's Heaven for us.
Can't stop laughing!!! LOVE this post!!! lol and i'm pretty sure i'm headed there to..maybe we can be neighbors lol
you should just be a freelance writer!
Job searching is hurting me slowly, too. Having thrown in the towel at my other job, I'm hoping and praying that someone will hire me to do something that isn't incredible sketchy or illegal in Nashville.
Here's to hoping we are both hired soon.
i will probably never write a blog because yours is just so damn good and i feel like your words are my thoughts on the page. so i see no point in me writing a blog. i could never do it as good as you do. you are freaking amazing. please never stop.
A friend of mine pointed me towards this entry because I am in fact, @helen_keller. After having read it, I believe we now have a Craig's Listesque missed connection that will be resolved! I guess I'd better prove that it's me. You choose what Helen will utter next and it will be tweeted. This is all so Deep Throat…
I use to play Helen Keller as a child, as in walk around bumping into things. I think I'mgetting a bunk bed in hell too.
Personally, I’m working on going to heaven. So, if you do go to hell, please continue to blog so that the people in heaven can have a read.
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