I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fact that I’m a grown ass woman and that therefore a lot of the shit I do is probably no longer acceptable. Like staying up until 5am. And pretending someone else will figure out my health insurance. And being hungover on a Tuesday. And keeping the toilet paper roll on the bathroom counter because I’m too lazy to take four seconds and just put the damn thing on the holder already.
And while I’m vaguely aware that I should probably be doing the exact opposite of all that stuff, I’m not entirely sure because no one taught me about that in school. NYU was always too busy making me take general education classes whose material, like the obscure details of The Iliad, was neither general nor particularly educational.
And so, left to my own devices, I graduated college in 2006 with the superb ability to make two things: jello shots and bad decisions.
Which brings me to this brilliant new idea I have – creating a mandatory class for college freshman in which they’ll actually learn real life stuff. Like what the hell the tax brackets are, and how to put a condom on with your mouth, and why it’s probably not the best idea to take 8 shots of vodka in 35 minutes because you “aren’t feeling it enough yet.”
I mean, can you imagine? I would fucking tie my 18 year old self to a chair for the entirety of this class and hover above her, periodically shouting reminders like, “DON’T MAKE OUT WITH GAY MEN IN UTILITY CLOSETS” and “PICK A HALLOWEEN COSTUME THAT CAN’T BE CROSS REFERENCED UNDER BIG GIANT SLUT” and “EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T REMEMBER IT, THAT SHIT STILL TOTALLY HAPPENED.”
And students will take it and we’ll have a country full of college graduates who can actually do practical shit and change the world and and and oh my fuck I’m pretty sure I just single handedly solved an inordinate amount of global problems and am now next in line for the Nobel Peace Prize because I mean if Obama can win for not being Bush I can totally win for not being the asshat behind the bullshit insanity of the liberal arts education system and wow, in the process of writing this post I’ve fully realized that all the other goals I have in my life are meaningless and that winning a Nobel Prize is clearly the only way to go and I’m fully open to suggestions of what to include in my new curriculum and yes, once I win the Nobel Prize drinks are definitely on me. Unless I find out that Noble Prize winners don’t drink. In which case the crack and the edible panties are on me because nobody turns down a good high and underwear that dissolves in your mouth. Or so I’ve heard.
Posted in: wtf?!
{ 73 comments… read them below or add one }
It's not a good idea to climb on stage with a band called Superbooty after 6 tequila shots on an empty stomach. Even if it is a birthday. Also? It's a good idea to have a "no photos at all" policy. Because you never know when you may find yourself in confirmation hearings.
you f-ing ho bag. My friend and I came up with this idea to consult to graduating seniors about "life" and not being an "asshole" and learning shit like being a normal "human being" Now the interwebs stole the idea and I'm out a million trillion dollars
"Like what the hell the tax brackets are, and how to put a condom on with your mouth, and why it’s probably not the best idea to take 8 shots of vodka in 35 minutes because you “aren’t feeling it enough yet.”
Awesome. "Practical Shit that actually helps you get ahead in LIfe 101."
I need a diagram for how to put on a condom with one's mouth. K thanks.
Ask and you shall receive: http://www.quikcondoms.com/put-on-condom-with-you…
"Rejoice and tell the sisters." bwahahahaha I love it and now want to try it.
Amen! This trick will earn me some good orgasms while lying on my back.
I shall spread the gospel
great post! obama has a nobel prize and he drinks beer, so i think you're good.
your thought process is absolutely ridiculous and just reason #495748674 why i love you.
They already offer this curriculum. It's called "Being a Married Non-Traditional Student".
No joke, I would like to learn how to put a condom on with your mouth. Apparently I'm not THAT talented to ready for the real world without that skill
i need to master the art of writing "ridculously long-ass sentences containg no less than 7 explicatives and no more than 3 commas"…it feel like im reading a pissed off version of "The Sound and the Fury". i like your style, keep up the jams.
But then what will become of texts from last night? The repercussions of this could be greater than you know…
I submit to TFLN all the time and I'm three years out of college. So you'll always have me.
I just read this post to my husband, and he said (in so many words): "Learn from her. And let me watch." Oy vey.
Lucky for we educated young people, the bar is lowering…err…wait…
I hate to think of the kids graduating from college ten years from now if the trend continues.
I think this class already exists – it's called life and it's done by trial and error. Only the winners survive. Sucks, but it's true.
I'd so sign up for this class. When does enrollment start?
"Attention class: Newspapers will be dead in four years."
– The only thing I needed to know freshman year.
YES. Seriously. Why didn't they tell us this?!
do ittttttt. this is exactly the class i neeed. no one needs biology…or calculus. right?
Making out with gay men never leads to anything good.
Do not fill up on stale bar popcorn and gin & tonics, because the resulting vomit is like wallpaper paste and you might choke. Also, if you have to go into a field at night to pee, make sure that barbed wire fence is not electric. And credit cards are the height of evil and will totally fuck you over for life.
I have always said I wish they taught me how to balance a checkbook, how to negotiate a deal, and the difference between democrat and republican in high school. I would totally take the freshman class if it was offerent.
The class should also feature a practicum where in you are actually set free in a thiftstore and instructed to put together a halloween costume that cannot be cross-referenced with a slut. I feel like this lesson especially requires practice.
"No, black booty shorts do not make you a policeman, even if you have a badge."
"No, you should not be looking in the children's section. Just because you can squeeze it on does not mean that it fits."
I see nothing wrong with being hungover on non-weekends or staying up until 5 AM. Or knowing how to make jello shots. But then again, I'm pretty sure I serve as a beacon of responsibility to exactly zero people.
Is this after you get your EGOT? I would vote for you if I ever make it to the Nobel Voting Board or could influence someone on it. You should make a comedy album to get the G in EGOT which could lead to the rest of the letters…I would totally buy like, eleventy thousand copies:)
I was completely unprepared for the real world and DEFINITELY could have used this class…although, I probably would have just gotten way too drunk the night before and missed it anyway
the toilet paper thing? I do it too and it's one of the main reasons I refuse to believe I'm a functioning adult member of society.
the syllabus should contain a class on "how to wipe down your microwave when food splatters so shit doesn't grow in there- or maybe just cover it up with a paper towel in the first place"
also- how to express your road rage enough to get the point across without getting shot.
I really wish I had known that paper towel trick. Didn't until about a month ago. Why don't they teach this stuff? Brilliance is totally overrated. And maybe incorrectly defined?
I think my school actually had a class like that, "Life Skills" or some junk…but it probably didn't cover the practical things you speak of here, it was more like "These are the kids that barely made it into our school, we should teach them how to take notes & how to read & stuff…"
I didn't have to take that class…but I would totally nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize any day.
Love the "if Obama can win for not being Bush I can totally win for not being the asshat behind the bullshit insanity of the liberal arts education system" comment
And I thought learning to put a condom on with your mouth was an extra-curricalur in college. I mean, that's how I learned, I didn't practice IN class.
Hi. I love you.
That class would have totally been helpful in my college days. "Dye your hair a different color so you don't get mistaken for your lesbian roommate who looks so much like you it's freakish," would have been a good lesson. I also have a problem with changing the toilet paper roll. I actually keep an open package of fresh rolls on my floor next to the sink so that when one runs out, another is in arms reach. SO LAZY.
I most definitely should have been required to take a class like this. Not so much for the domestic toilet papery things but the vodka lessons would've been incredibly beneficial. You totally have my vote for a Nobel Prize, you know, if they open the voting up to the public. Which they should.
BAHAHAHA. I could not agree more! I also think there should be a class for the mid 20-somethings about how to balance technically being an "adult" while not really feeling like one.
OMG, the toilet paper thing – so relate!! I do always wonder, though, as I go through life why we don't learn this stuff in school. It's all well and good learning how to budget money, or how to write an amazing report but if you can't go to work in a morning because you have no clean clothes because you don't know how to wash your own clothes then that's THEIR problem!
It's been waaaaay too long since I've read you. Now and always my fav writer.
Even better, that class your first semester and a similar class your last semester in which you review how you did not listen to anything taught in the first class and you need to relearn it all now that you have adult life experience. Also, how to apply for jobs.
Maybe that one should be 2 semesters long.
Everytime your posts just keep getting better and better. Love this and fully support you, "..am now next in line for the Nobel Peace Prize because I mean if Obama can win for not being Bush I can totally win for not being the asshat behind the bullshit insanity of the liberal arts education system…"
I would be one of the first folks to sign up for that course. We don't learn anything about life in college, except thing that you stated that, really, don't help us much in the real world. Once you graduate it's all craziness from there on out. And is there a problem with leaving the toilet paper on the bathroom counter?! I don't see one!
They should certainly include "What to do when you wake up at 30, but still think you are 21" .
I am not sure if there is a museum of being awesome (and for the life of me I can't figure out why there isn't one) but your plinth is being setup there as we speak. An artist may be around shortly to capture your likeness, although truth be told he will probably come back with a 1991 Reebok Pump say its "found art" and claim that it embodies your essence, just so he can spend the rest of the day walking around in a berret.
Bloody artists.
Once I win the Nobel Prize, I will absolutely found a Museum of Being Awesome. Don't worry, you'll get your share of the credit.
Since I'm (barely) still in college, you should definitely teach me your knowledge, Yoda.
I personally wish someone would have let me the known how high the percentage would be that I'd end up making copies and emptying out dishwashers post college in what was supposed to be my "first real job." You're right, though – there should be a mandatory common sense class for freshman all across the country!!
wouldn't this class take the fun out of life? There would be no surprises, no chance to change and grow in your own way. Wouldn't you be teaching them things you learned about your life but that might not be applicable to theirs.
I mean telling people that taking 8 shots in 35 min is a bad idea is great but I feel this would seriously cut down on the entertainment available in life.
pretty funny read. i like your style.
Ok, not to totally confuse matters, but in the first year of my current job I had to make jello shots for a client party. So you never know when some of your skills will be put to good use.
I wrote a whole big comment and was about to post it when I realized that all I had to offer were tips on how not to hate yourself or your almost-ivy-league, highfalutin education when you're making coffee for the 9 billionth person that thinks you're a dumbass. Then I realized everyone who had big fun in college was posting cool stuff…bum city. "Kids? Don't drink tequila. It's the devil's water."
Parallel parking. And you're going to need two semesters.
I'm pretty sure that students would ignore and/or forget everything they learned in this class just like every other class, but it couldn't hurt! Maybe it should be required 2-4 years OUT of college once you realize that maybe, perhaps, you should pay attention…
YES. I agree 100%. All colleges in America need a class like this.
I am 26 years old, it's a Tuesday and I have a hangover. Grown-up FAIL.
“DON’T MAKE OUT WITH GAY MEN IN UTILITY CLOSETS” and “PICK A HALLOWEEN COSTUME THAT CAN’T BE CROSS REFERENCED UNDER BIG GIANT SLUT” and “EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T REMEMBER IT, THAT SHIT STILL TOTALLY HAPPENED.”
You are one of the funniest people I have ever, ever met.
I wish someone had told me about Vodka. And Tequila. And Everclear.
I feel like your mom's quote still applies to this post also
So really, you're just trying to get me laid.
Unless you're talking about another one of my mother's quotes.
In which case, why *aren't* you trying to get me laid??
Um… genius? I've always wondered why schools didn't do a better job of, well, TEACHING US ANYTHING. I would kill for a class on how to pay my taxes or budgeting or anything even remotely relevant to my every day life. The funny thing is, they totally DO have classes on that stuff. It's called "Continuing Education". Um… whaaa? Apparently it's more important and deserving of college savings to learn philosophy and math than to know the important shit we're supposed to know. Like how to fix our cars. Or when we really should stop putting off the dentist. Just a thought.
OMG. I've been saying for years that a class like that needs to happen! One that teaches you how to clean up your own vomit before your roommate steps in it barefoot in the middle of the night (b/c trust me, as the roommate who nearly stepped in the vomit, that lesson would be a LIFE SAVER!)
i would have totally made myself take that class. especially the inordinate amount of vodka shots in a short time, i could have saved myself a disastrous night. that and tax brackets, because i sure as hell have no idea what that means.
Dear 18-year-old Andrea,
One day, this thing called "Facebook" will exist. Don't fucking join that.
Deliciously inappropriate. Love it.
What about "taking out a student loan for spending money is JUST as bad as maxing out a credit card"
Oh holy hell YES. Adding this to the syllabus immediately.
One word: Brilliant.
Can they teach a class on that "he's just not that into you" stuff? Cause that would have saved me from many nights will all the tequila shots.
One word: Brilliant.
Can they teach a class on that "he's just not that into you" stuff? Cause that would have saved me from many nights will all the tequila shots.
This is magnificent. I would be all over that class.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!! They need to teach you stuff like "how to talk to your health insurance company, on the phone, without sounding like an uninformed 6 year old," or "New Years Eve is a real day and yes it did happen-so make good decisions" or better yet "how to have your life semi together by the time you turn 25…or at least have a direction.." lol The minute a college starts teaching those classes is the day world peace will finally happen lol
sounds like you got yourself a book idea!
Best idea ever!
I mean you also learned how to make AMAZING mac n cheese and rice crispy treats. Let's not let those skills go by the wayside.
I'm thinking this should be a traveling class, or seminar, or presentation or something. Maybe an all day conference. "How to Not Suck – Everything College Should Teach You But Won't." http://www.howtonotsuck.com has already been taken. Maybe we can just use the .org. And then we can have a Stop Sucking Bus that we drive around in. Only non-sucky people are allowed in the bus. Physical sucking is allowed. Also, this class should involve real-life demonstrations. As long as they're not going to kill/hurt anyone too much. Like, maybe I'll take 5 shots in 35 minutes (instead of
and start making out with everyone and saying stupid shit. And then people will be like, well I sure as hell don't want to be anything like her. And then you can do a fashion show of all slutty Halloween costumes. And then boys will get hard and girls will get grossed out. And then we can BOTH make out with gay men. You can take all the credit. I'll just be there for comic relief. No shame! xoxo
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE EVER
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