internships, pornography, and forcing yourself on someone else in a way that might or might not be as messed up and scary as it sounds. i don’t know, you’ll have to ask jenny.

A few weeks ago, right before she left for Japan, the hilarious Jenny from TheBloggess.com (also commonly known as MY BIGGEST, WETTEST GIRL CRUSH EVER) posted about how having an intern to research random shit for her, like which animal has claws and is scary but also has a two syllable name that doesn’t start with the letter “n” because she needs it to fight a ninja and their names can’t start with the same letter, would make her life all kinds of awesome.

And I was like, “yeah okay,” and decided that I would be her intern, effective immediately.

Here’s a peek at a few of the emails that followed:

from Nicole
to jenny@thebloggess.com
subject: Nicole The Intern

I’m totally doing what I said I’d do in the PPPS part of my comment. I’m copying and pasting said comment to you in this email, because THAT’S how good of an intern I’d be.

So you can read it here. And on your blog. And over and over again if necessary. Whatever it takes to make you realize that I am now your intern, and that I will respond to “Nicole” or “Intern” or “Nicole The Intern” or even “Girl With The Really Cute Toes Who Likes Porn And Iced Tea,” except that might be kind of long to say out loud and isn’t my job to make your life easier?

Cool. Glad we had this little talk.

The Comment:
Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m sure there are eleventy thousand other people who are going to be all “I’LL BE YOUR INTERN,” but fuck that. I’m going to be the best intern in the galaxy (See what I did there? I just up and decided that I’m going to be your intern. Because that’s what interns do, they’re helpful and they anticipate your needs and bring you a cookie in the shape of a giant vagina when you’re having a bad day because who doesn’t love chocolate chip labia?) And the answer to your question is a falcon, because they have claws and a two syllable name that doesn’t begin with the letter “n” and are scary as hell because things that can fly are scary and they’d put up the best fight for a ninja because ninjas like to be stealthy and falcons are known for their insane vision and in fact, one species of falcon has even been found to have a visual acuity of 2.6 times that of a normal human.

PS- You better believe I just researched falcons for you.
PPS- I have absolutely no idea what “visual acuity” means, but I could find out. Or I could just MAKE IT UP. Either way, you win.
PPPS- I should probably send this entire comment to you in an email as well, in case you don’t read all of your comments due to how overwhelmingly busy and in need of an intern you are.
PPPPS- My next job as your intern is getting you to read this list of 10 Extraordinarily Useful Japanese Phrases for Travelers. Particularly #3, which translates to: “Oops! I meant to fart but poop came out.” Yeah, you’re welcome. http://bit.ly/OfK6h

So. Yeah. This is when you email me back and are like “Sweet, you’re my intern” and I’m all “Awesome, I’ll put on my tap shoes” and you’ll be like “I prefer interpretive dance” and I’ll be all “Yeah, I don’t have tap shoes anyway, so it’s just as well.”

Sincerely, or with lots of hugs, or whatever the fuck interns say when ending an email,
Nicole
–
Intern Extraordinaire

**
from Jenny
to Nicole

Okay, your first assignment:  I need a list of the most bizarre porn titles ever.  Or find me a potato that looks like Jesus.  Or it could look like someone vaguely famous but not too famous.  Like, Brad Pitt would be too famous but Buddy Holly would be awesome.  Also, I want Sarah Silverman to be my best friend and for Amy Sedaris to acknowledge me.  That last part is more of a long-term goal though.

**
from Nicole
to Jenny

Okay, so, there’s really no feasible way to explain to people why you have 12 different porn windows open at once. Luckily, people know that I’m me and this is probably the least odd thing that will happen in my life today, so I’m all set.

I’ve picked six of the most bizarre porn titles ever because five seemed like too few and ten seemed like too many and I had to cut myself off somewhere because holy fuck have you delved into the world of bizarre porn? This, actually, has been a valuable exercise in appreciation for me, as I now fully appreciate that a) I have a normal looking vagina and b) no one has ever tried to start up a chainsaw while fucking me from behind.

Oh yeah, the porn titles. (Yes, of course those are links. Nothing about this email is safe for work. Good thing you work from home. And from Japan.)

1. Biohazard Bitches (Just what I want, infected needles and men in enormous white suits. Actually, the white suits could be kind of cool. If there was a hole for the penis. Or a way for the girl to climb inside. Or if it was a two person suit. At least inside the suit you’d be protected from whatever biohazard-ey things the porn producers planned to jab you with.)
2. Veggie Bang (As long as they’re not using baby carrots or anything else that could get stuck up there, I’m thinking this is fine. But only if they wash them first, because, you know, pesticides. Or maybe they’re organic veggies. Yeah, that’s probably it. Unless adult film studios are too cheap to buy organic veggies? Bastards.)
3. Crack Whores of the Tenderloin (I’m not sure if the chicks are really on crack. Or if they’re just so excited about the tenderloin sex that they appear to be on crack. And it’s still entirely unclear what the deal is with the tenderloin. Are they having a delicious dinner? Is the dick the tenderloin? Am I ever going to eat meat again? Or maybe they’re referring to the neighborhood in San Francisco called “the tenderloin,” which a friend just told me about in a way that makes me think that he’s probably IN THIS MOVIE and that I should get some new friends.)
4. Executed Girls of Iraq Prisons (I am NOT linking you to this one because, um, you’ll need to quadruple your Xanax to stop yourself from peeling your eyes out with a seafood fork. You’re very, very welcome.)
5. E.T. Alien Sex 2 (If you’re in a private place, or a public place you never want to return to again, you absolutely need to watch the first few seconds of this. Because it’s an alien blowing a human. And it’s hilarious. Of course, you might never be able to not think about it during regular sex again, so maybe skip it? But don’t. It’s too good. And also? Please keep in mind that this is part 2. As in, someone has already made a part 1 and had too many new alien sex ideas, or too ecstatic of a response the first time around that they just had to make a second one.)
6. Oh No, There’s A Negro In My Mom (I… I just… yeah.)

Now, the potato thing. Here’s Jesus on the cross. And here’s some crazy bitch from 2005 who thought she found a potato chip bearing the image of Jesus. And here’s a Buddha’s Hand Fruit that totally looks like Davey Jones. (Yes, it’s actually called a “Buddha’s Hand Fruit,” or sometimes a “fingered citron.” Please draw your own conclusions regarding Buddhism and masturbation and citrus fruit.)

As for Sarah Silverman and Amy Sedaris, definitely a solid long-term goal. At some point, you should make me a NicoleTheIntern@thebloggess.com email address and I will start trying to make that happen. I’m thinking that some sort of charity thing would be a good angle. Famous people love starving children. Or, you know, something that sounds a little less heinous but is equally accurate.
–
Nicole The Intern

Posted in: nicole the intern, wtf?!