It’s not that I didn’t know where Alaska was. Okay okay, fine. FINE. I didn’t know where Alaska was.
I blame the placemat. Do you remember those placemats? The ones that had a map of the United States on one side and a blank map on the other side and the point was to study the first side and then flip it over, take a washable marker, and test yourself on which state was which? I grew up with a collection of these placemats – one of the US, one of the world, one of the planets, the world’s flags, the multiplication tables – my mom was all about mealtime education.
The map of the United States though, that one was my favorite. It just made the most sense. I mean, how is a seven-year-old brain supposed to wrap itself around there being countries named Uzbekistan and cities named Srednekolymsk? I found it much easier and more comforting to be all, “Florida! This one’s Florida!” and leave it at that.
I’ve recently learned, however, that the problem with my beloved US map placemat is that it fucking lied to me. It fucking lied by putting Alaska and Hawaii in the bottom left corner and making them both look like islands. They were just floating there, you know? Sectioned off by this white box that screamed “THESE STATES ARE NOT CONNECTED TO THE OTHER STATES AND ARE IN FACT ISLANDS OF THEIR OWN.”
Which is how I nonchalantly came to believe that Alaska was an island and that it was floating off to the left of the United States.
I guess I just never really looked at a map of the US after childhood, not carefully at least, and it wasn’t until Jamie and I bought one of those huge wall maps a few months ago that I realized my entire life has been a dirty web of geographic lies.
We were going over the map, listing out the places we most wanted to visit, and I’m all, “Woah, look at Alaska” and she’s like, “What about it?” and I’m all, “Since when the fuck is it connected to Canada??” and she’s like, “Shut up, no it’s not” and I’m all, “No seriously, look! Alaska is part of Canada!” and then we stood there for a few minutes, looking at each other, looking back at the map, looking back at each other, trying to figure out what it meant to live in a world where a) Alaska is not an island, b) Alaska is connected to Canada, and c) neither of us knew about it.
And I get it, okay? I get that you’re second guessing our status as grown women because the two people we told in person looked at us like we had horses growing out of our torsos. It’s just. I don’t understand how no one ever told me about this. And the real question here, the real question is what else don’t I know?! Is Michigan really in Saudi Arabia? Is Saudi Arabia next to Australia? Also, does Denmark seriously own Greenland?
Which is to say, happy 4th of July everyone. Jamie and I are belligerently idiotic.
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I’ve always wondered how Alaska can be part of the states when it’s actually separated from it by Canada – a whole different country! I love that you thought it was an island though – that is hilarious!
Also, I heard a rumour that South America is actually further NORTH than North America, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not . . . (Kidding.)
*staring blankly*
Wouldn’t the thought of Alaska being cold and Hawaii being hot be a little bit of a giveaway that they are not floating near each other?
And now I feel compelled to ask everyone I know if they know where Alaska is just so they don’t have to go through the same thing you just did. Thanks for the conversation starter!
If Nova Scotia were an American annex, I would likely have better shopping options, better flight deals, and a holiday tomorrow.
GAME ON.
Well ben if you are living in grand ol’ Canada you probably did get the first of July off! (Happy Canada Day fellow Canadian… belated of course…)
Um. Seriously? For years I’m like, why the hell are the States claiming ownership to that piece of land at the most Northern-Westest tip of Canada?? Because they have ties to Russian spies goddamit. It’s all conspiracy theory US-government bullshit. They couldn’t just hide on Canadian land though, that would’ve been too obvious. So they claimed it as their own….
I should also let you know that my boyfriend and I had a discussion yesterday and he doesn’t consider Hawaii to be a US state. He says that it’s a whole different world and shouldn’t be part of the US. Just sayin.
Update #3: WHERE THE FUCK IS BALI!?
INDONESIA! (thank you honors world history that i was only good at to impress my hot gay teacher) yet i also thought alaska was an island til my freshmen year of college. bet they regret letting me in now.
OH MY GOD I’M NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD. I am using this post of yours to show my friends that I am not the only geographically challenged person in the world. We were sitting around playing with a ukelele and Hawaii came up, and then I mentioned Alaska being an island.
I got blank stares and something I can never live down. THANKS FOR THIS. THIS IS REDEMPTION. Or something like it.
At first I thought “who doesn’t know that Alaska is in Canada where it is cold 95% of the time?” but as soon as you mentioned those placemats, I knew where you were headed.
Class action suit against restaurant map placemat holders!
update: it is not cold in Canada 95% of the time.
get a clue.
Another geographic lie produced from maps is that the sizes of each place are very wrong–especially with the most common projection found in North America (Mercator). For example, Greenland is actually approximately the same size as Mexico, and NOT the approximate same size as Africa!
It definitely blew my mind when I realized how close alaska is to russia. And when I learned that a huge part of russia is in asia.
As a first grade teacher, I am sitting here wondering if I did enough to teach my kids last year where Alaska is. No. I’m not wondering anymore. I’m now sitting here lamenting the fact that I did NOT do them justice. I will consider your post a call to duty, though. Next year, if they don’t know already, they will know when they go to second grade that Alaska is NORTH of Oregon. Also, they will know where Oregon is. haha. I said ‘duty.’
I agree with Dani! I totally remember those placements, and could completely see why you’d think it’d be an island. I mean, come one, if you’re going to teach us the states on a map, show Canada and just put “NOT INCLUDED” or something. Way better than having Alaska in that small box. It’s too confusing.
I actually have a picture of me straddling the international boundary line between Canada and Alaska. It is true.
My sister also thought Alaska was an island and rationalized that there must be a huge bridge connecting the continental US and Alaska. She referenced “the bridge to Alaska” one day and that’s when we found out. She’s 23. So you’re not alone!
What I love about this post, is that I’m over here in Australia thinking “Of course Alaska is attached to Canada?!”
And I’ve never even been to the U.S
This totally made my day! I live in Canada, near the Alaskan border and when I’m travelling and try to explain to Americans that I live between Washington state and Alaska, just under the Alaska panhandle I frequently get blank stares. I’ve always blamed the maps of the US too! You’re definitely not the only geographically challenged Americans. Thanks for the laugh. PS. This is my first time visiting your blog but I’m totally coming back.
Alaksa… that’s the one Palin is from, right?
Hahaha. You guys are ridiculous.
I want to go to Alaska so bad. It’s on my Life List. Also, I know where it is. But I also have no idea what placemats you’re talking about. So, obviously, the placemats are to blame. Hi, Nicole’s Mom.
haha, don’t feel so bad, some of the 9th graders I teach don’t even know how to spell the city they live in
wow. really? really? even sarah palin knows where alaska is!!!
and yes, denmark does own greenland.
Can I just hug both of you. Cutest post ever.
I am absolutely not going to LOL at this because as a teacher, I know how horrendous geography skills are for our poor kids here in the USA. I guess many teachers can’t find time to fit it in because it isn’t tested on teh high stakes tests. Pretty sad! I teach geography every chance I get and have maps all over my classroom…..
Wait, what? WHAT? I have horrible knowledge of geography but even that is…wow. How did you never look at a map any other time? I mean…what? Okay, I’m done.
As an Australian I can confirm that Saudi Arabia is right next door to us, yes. (And also just to make you feel better about Rach’s post where she says that an an Australian even she knows where Alaska is…I know where maybe three American cities/states are. That’s it. And if you’d given me a map and a pen and said “find Alaska” well…I’m just going to admit it, fine, I wouldn’t have even been positive Alaska was affiliated with the US or Canada at all.)
Ok, this is funny because my sister always thought the same thing. Well, she figured it out before high school, but still. She thought it was an island because of the whole placemat map thing. She knew it was up “by Canada,” but totally thought it was out floating all disconnected. So… while I want to make fun of you, I can’t because you’re totally not alone.
Do you consider this a failure of yourselves or of your schools?
I want you to know that I just threw out my kids’ US placemats. We’re getting a wall map tomorrow. So, someday my kids will thank you for this. Right now they’re just wondering if it’s bad that I threw our country in the trash.
if it makes you feel any better i was convinced that north dakota didn’t exist and no one actually lived there. sometimes i still believe it.
Having lived in Alaska, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it is in fact connected to Canada. It is also larger than Texas. Just FYI.
The main proof I have that it is connected to Alaska: My family and I moved back to “the lower 48″ by driving from Alaska to Alabama in an RV and we had to drive through Canada to get there. 
Maps in general are so fucking whack! I have a “real” proportion map and it’s holy freaking bizarre looking. I mean… Africa is like HUGE! And the US is kinda small. Who knew, right?!
The best part of your proposed trade is that then Canada would be forced to take Sarah Palin too.
Also, I referred to Hawaiians as having a different nationality this weekend, so apparently my knowledge of U. S. geography isn’t much better.
I live in Alaska, I moved here from California a year ago and drove through Canada to get here. FYI: MANY people cannot drive to Alaska, they have to fly because they aren’t allowed to cross the Canadian border. These people being anyone who’s EVER had a DUI/DWI or been arrested for various reasons. Oh and btw, contrary to popular belief we do NOT live in Igloos, just thought you should know. Anything else you want to know about AK? Come visit me Nicole!! Then you can cross it off your list. (:
I used to have those placemats, too! And for the longest time I was convinced that Texas HAD to be the largest state because they had to make Alaska pretty damn small to fit it in the weird white box with Hawaii.
The fact that you and Jamie have horses growing out of your torsos makes Alaska look like a little bitch. WHO CARES <3
The real question isn’t “where is Alaska actually located?” But who is the sick fuck of a teacher that decided to float it off to the lower left causing millions of children to grow up partially retarded!
I hope that bitch was fired.
I didn’t know until very recently that my stomach wasn’t directly behind my belly button, it’s above it. Or something. Why the hell is it called a belly button then, I’d like to know?
My sister in law did not realize that England was an island until about three years ago… and was 31 at the time
I am Canadian, so therefore I have known that Alaska was attached to us my whole life, just because every time we looked at a map of Canada, boom, there Alaska was.
And the kids in my class would be all like “But what about that on the left?” And the teacher would go “That’s part of the United States.” And then we’d go “But then why the hell is it up with us and not down with the States?” And the teacher would go “No idea.”
I think when Canada became a country, we looked at that piece of land and was like “Nope, we’re not taking it, we already have too much cold land.” Then they looked at the States and was like “Do you want it?” And they were just like “Sure!”
I don’t blame you for thinking it was an island though. Those placemats really are fucking stupid.
I think that this is the most historically accurate theory behind this wacky place called Alaska!
I too am Canadian and remember asking the same question when I was in school!
This is a very bizarre coincidence – until last week, I thought Maine was a peninsula. I mean, none of those US maps show that Maine is surrounded by Canada. Besides, aren’t they famous for lobster? Doesn’t it make sense that 3/4 of the state would be surrounded by water??
Sadly, my best friend also witnessed my geographical retardedness…but she KNEW that Maine wasn’t a peninsula. And now she’s convinced there’s something terribly wrong with me.
let’s hope that none of our lives ever depend on us filling out a map.
because seriously.
i can’t do that shit either.
BEN > ALASKA clearly. game on.
Apologies in advance for this somewhat snarky remark re: your Alaska Relocation Predicament, but as I came across the Dunning-Kruger Effect (http://nyti.ms/cAIgDp) only this morning, it appears your singular situation can be remedied quickly. I’m not suggesting you’re as dim as the example in the story, by the way, just sort of in the same location. Like Alaska and British Columbia.
Wow you’re brave women to admit this on a blog.
I guess that problem was avoided for me because we had a mental map assessment in 7th grade
hilarious.
damn placemats…
I spent most of my childhood and adolescence believing that Australia and New Zealand floated around between the East Coast of Canada and Europe, right around where Iceland and Greenland are. I’m not sure I’ll ever know why.
wow. I read your blog and have lost all hope for humankind. someone has to teach you something in order for you to learn it? are you in 2nd fucking grade? oh, I see. well, we have these big buildings called libraries that are full of things called books; some of which even contain geographic maps of the world. I suggest you log off the fucking internet for at least an afternoon and wander over to one of these places and OPEN your mind!
Libraries huh? Never heard of them. Guess I’ll have to Google what those big buildings are during all my afternoons on the internet…
Those libraries though, do they also help you learn proper capitalization? Maybe you should check them out too!
Hey, we can go together.
Or wait, maybe instead you can just stop trolling around people’s blogs and being an asshole.
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