Here’s a fun fact about me. Actually no, it’s not as much fun as it is horrifying, but it’s a fact nonetheless so I’m just going to roll with it.
Fact: I’ve never been on a real date.
I know right?
Because being in your 20s in 2009 means growing up in the land of the never ending casual hookup, which goes something like this:
Meet a guy. Usually through a mutual friend. Or at a party. Or at work. Or in class. Check each other out. Do the eye contact thing. Do the chatting thing. The flirting thing. Get asked to hang out, but not alone. Meet up with him at a party, with mutual friends, in a group. Drink. Keep talking. Laugh. Get to know each other. Really hit it off. Exchange numbers.
Spend the rest of the weekend wondering if he’s going to call. Think about calling him first. Stumble over what the hell the rules are with this kind of thing. Sigh, frustrated that there are rules. Check your email. See that he friend requested you on Facebook. Jump around excitedly. Accept the request. Spend the next hour stalking him. Realize that before his first phone call, you already know what his exes look like. Decide that you wish he would have called you instead. Shut off the computer. Stomp around.
See him on campus on Monday. Or at work. Or having lunch with a mutual friend. Wave. Hug. Chat about the rest of your weekend. Hope he’s going to try for more formal plans. Feel crushed when he doesn’t. Wait to hear from him. Bitch about the rules some more. Stalk him on Facebook. Bitch. Stalk. Repeat.
Thursday comes around. Your phone beeps: text message. It’s him! Jump around excitedly. “What’s up?” he wants to know. You text back. You tell him what’s up. He tells you that his friend’s band is playing this weekend. He asks if you want to meet up and check it out. You say yes.
You meet up. In a group. Concert. Drinks. Back to his friend’s place for an after-party. Everyone’s a little sloppy. He kisses you. You jump around excitedly (on the inside). You kiss back. Weeks go by like this. Text message. Party. Hang out in groups. Hookup late at night. Do the walk of shame. Repeat.
Realize that you’re a grown ass woman and that you’re still single. Decide that that’s horse vagina because you’re pretty awesome. Contemplate wearing a shirt that says, “I’m fucking awesome. Ask me out already.” Promise yourself that you’ll stop doing the stupid hookup thing.
Drink. Do it again. Drink and do it again. Repeat.
Watch as some of the hookups gradually turn into relationships. Feel happy. Break up. Freak out. Repeat.
Complain that guys are lazy. Wish desperately that you lived in the 1950s. Fantasize about innocent courtship. Remember that you could never deal with that much Jell-O salad. Rule out time travel as a dating technique.
Continue to meet guys. Flirt. Do the occasional random hookup, but finally stop any sort of prolonged, messy, friends-with-benefits thing. Because really? you have enough friends. And you don’t see how sleeping with them is a benefit.
Start to daydream about something better. About a guy who meets you and gets your number right away. Who calls instead of texts. Who doesn’t rely on email. Who doesn’t poke you on the stupid Facebook.
A guy who tries aggressively to get to know you. Who, once he does, isn’t afraid to admit that he’s straight up and down crazy about you. A guy who finds it endearing that you’re a raging insomniac. Who will cook you dinner, even if he’s not great in the kitchen. Who will do things other than have sex with you, even if he’s killer in bed.
A guy who will ask subtle questions about your favorite movies, and then watch them with you. Your favorite foods, and then get them for you. Your favorite time of day, and then make plans around it. A guy who doesn’t back down from your intensity. Who comes up behind you and brushes your hair to the side, kissing you on the back of the neck. A guy who doesn’t follow the damn dating rules. A guy who you can’t help falling desperately in love with.
A guy who one day might grab your arm as you’re running for shelter in a thunderstorm, drop down on one knee, and say that he’s only asking for forever today, because there is nothing longer.
Posted in: how to
{ 122 comments… read them below or add one }
trust me, those guys still exist. they're rare and endangered, but you can still find them. trust me, i know. =)
This is so dead on it's scary! And the end…well…I tear up in every movie I've ever seen, so let's just say it made me a little emotional. Fantastic entry.
P.S. – I nominated you for a Kreative Blogger award…check it out on my blog
.
This is beautiful.
I may have gotten a wee bit teary eyed at the end. Because, I have that guy. And sometimes, I take him for granted.
I can't imagine dating (I didn't really date much…just hung out a lot with Mike in college, going on late night walks and other innocent, dorky courtshipish things.) My friend is currently in the throes of internet dating and the other night a guy asked her to take off her shirt. On their first date. During a movie. She squeals: "I didn't even know his last name!"
Yeah, dating scares me.
Ashley, I have that guy, too. And yeah, I also take him for granted. Shit.
Nicole, thanks for writing this. AGAIN, thanks.
i love how you write these! you're so good
so. effing. true.
especially about the depreciation of real, put-yourself-out-there phone calls instead of safe, impersonal texts.
You should write a "How to… be awesome on 47 different levels" post.
I find your hope… amusing. If for no other reason because you're the one in charge of the filters you place on incoming dudes. Meaning it's no more up to some guy to be exactly what you want him to be as it is up to you to have an active hand in seeking out those kind of guys. Which really does make sense if you ignore all the grammatical travesties in that sentence and focus solely on its message.
Well put Jay. …but in their twenties, chicks are trapped between wanting *super-hot-but-vacant guys* and *super-decent-but-kind-of-cute guys* I assume twenty-something guys are the same way… hot chicks rule until you crave something more substantial.
Don’t fret Nicole, I didn’t find mine until months before I turned 30.
oh. my. gawwww.
You're my twin.
Nicole, I love this. And yeah, I teared up a little. I've been having very similar thoughts going through my head.
I think this year is the first time that I've been on an actual first date. It's so weird and so much better and worse than the usual hookup-until-it-turns-into-a-relationship… Sigh. Sometimes I feel like there aren't any of THAT guy left, but I hope there are some good ones out there for both you and me!
Yeah I agree with Jay. I get where you're coming from b/c I've been there. But being there is a choice women make. Love your writing btw – you're fantastic.
Thanks Nicole! And yeah, I agree with Jay too. I mean of course relationships are a two-way thing. I'm just giving one side of it
This is one of my favorites. Absolutely NAILED IT.
Any guy who uses the poke feature on facebook I question…
Its funny I feel like we talked about this in person… didnt we?
And HOW. Love this. I totally believe that those guys exist (I have to) and that if a guy is all about you he WILL call.
you, are wonderful.
I found one of those guys…and I married him
) They're out there, and it's SO much better than the random hookup/friends-with-benefits drama.
I am now officially depressed that I have had no semblance of a love life for 9 months (actually now that I think about it, my love life officially came crashing down around my head and then punched me in the face exactly 9 months ago today). Fabulous post, however, and I heart you, as always.
OMG Nicole! I want that. Fuck these stupid ass hook ups. Fuck that shit! I love you by the way.
In my experience, hookups are only really good if you can be in them for what they are: No strings attached physical intimacy. Sadly, one person ALWAYS gets attached and it's hard to move past that. Surviving them usually means staying away from them all together.
The Internet totally compounds these things though. Every little picture and status update tells a story whether we want it to or not, and most of the time we totally misread that story. In 2009, people are in more of a social norms traffic jam than every before.
People have forgotten how to be honest with each other, and that leads to hurt feelings.
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.
ok so not judging at all because i love you and your blog… but have you considered not hooking up until you're in a relationship? ever heard the expression.. "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" — my friends don't appreciate this advice very much. but i still give it nontheless. i really do love you though and completely think your life is fabulous. just trying to offer a little help.
Oh believe me, I completely understand and agree with what you're saying. I guess I'm just trying to accurately describe what I've been through as the result of "hookups" being as common place as they are. I know it's not like I'm a victim here, I choose what happens to me. It's all two-sided.
Thanks for taking the time to give the "tough" advice
This analogy doesn’t work unless you think women are something to be bought, like cows. As in, you’re saying women are products instead of people. . . hopefully, you and your sex are not something to be bought, but to be enjoyed by both you and your partner, not because you “give it up” but because you want to for your own pleasure and comfort.
I know that sounds idealistic, but telling women they are something for men to “buy” is not getting anyone anywhere. Why would you want to be with a partner who is only wants your “milk” anyway?
You totally deserve a real, bonafide date missy! I'm having my own guy issues today. Seriously.
the internet and cell phones have made dating about 1 million times harder than I imagine it needs to be. We've all been right where you are and sometimes it's fun and sometimes it sucks but it's definitely important to realize just how awesome you are and not sacrifice what you want. Ever.
Funny that reading through this I realize that Irish is more like the guy at the end of the post (which almost had me crying, BTW) and apparently I haven't noticed until now how awesome he is. So, THANK YOU for helping me to realize what I've evidently forgotten, which is just plain awful.
I'm getting about 50 of those t-shirts made for me and my closest friends. I'm right there with you, I think our generation got screwed (pun intended). Or we've screwed ourselves. If only there wasn't so much Jell-O salad back in the '50s.
I know how you feel, believe me. I have to believe there's someone like that out there somewhere, and one for each of us, not one we're going to have to all FIGHT over.
Completely true. Here, here! I am sucking my way through my 20's and every random hookup I am sure is "the one." Imma get over myself sooner or later haha.
Not surprisingly, this post is important for guys to read just as much as women.
Also, as a dude learning something from this post, it's probably a good thing I think hookup culture is lame and have largely stayed out of it.
Honey… that person DOES exist. The man you should spend your time with is the man who is all those things. Fuck the rules, fuck societal "norms"… rules are made to be broken and I know the man you end up with will know that.
To be cliche: you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your price. Sometimes that frog ends up being a coke-head, wanna be gangsta prick who impregnates other people while you're dating. But maybe that's just me….
MISS YOU.
Siigh I feel you here. The only dates I've been on have come out of the internet (OKCupid mostly) and they can be really fun as long as you do some aggressive pre-screening first. I ended up going online because I can not for the LIFE of me figure out how else you are supposed to meet someone in real life to actually date and not just make out with (finding them is easy enough). I even did the speed dating thing, but now I've pretty much shrugged my shoulders at the whole thing. Just going to try to keep interesting and busy with my own life until that guy at the end of your post somehow shows up…
i know some of those guys are out there somewhere. and you're too awesome for them to not find you. obviously. because you know, you're a rock star and all.
and my heart just melted.
What a great post!!!
This was gorgeous… such a beautiful post and you know what? that guy's gonna find you. LOVE YOU.
I 100% agree and could not have written it better if I spent hours on it. Also never been on a real date and really wish we were in a time when did actually date. And the end of the post? Beautiful.
As phampants has already said…….we guys are out there. Although I'm already taken.
LOVE this post. its now stared in my reader
…wow. the last few lines, hrm. wow. i love when you let go and write – there's a break in the last section of this post where – you're there, you're on topic, but you let go and just…you come out. does that make sense? awesome. and so very true…what has technology done to our dating lives?
It will. It WILL. I promise.
And it is JUST as good as you imagine… even better, really.
IT WILL.
Yes. YES. I've been looking for that too, with no luck so far (and I am, ahem, older than you are). It's hard being alone sometimes, but "better alone than in bad company" as the saying goes. Or even wrong-for-me company. I hold out hope that the right man for me is out there, and we will find each other. And you'll find yours, too!
I like to think that line about poking on the fucking Facebook was dedicated to me. Also? I'm going to be alone forever because… fuck commitment.
Ok, I love this. Love. It. Trust me when I say those guys are out there. They really are. My husband proposed to me naked in bed after we'd been dating for 6 weeks. There was no point in waiting anymore. The hunt is a pain, but the reward is totally worth it.
Fact: I've never been on what I would consider a real date either. I figured I wasn't alone, but it's great to have proof…lol
I love this post so much. Probably because it makes me say, "Oh, college" in my head. And I want the guy described in the last three paragraphs–who doesn't?
I completely agree with Mike: "…hookups are only really good if you can be in them for what they are: No strings attached physical intimacy. Sadly, one person ALWAYS gets attached…. Surviving them usually means staying away from them all together."
Your blog is wonderful!
*applause*
This is exactly why I've always hated dating. Even though I'm in a relationship now, should something happen between us – heavens forbid – I would dread being single again for the mere facts that you mention. It's a headache. Too many rules, mind games, and heartaches.
THANK YOU for stealing the thoughts out of my head and putting them into the words I couldn't. As my best friend Becca once said, "HELLO I AM A CATCH AND FOR SOME REASON I WANT YOU SPECIFICALLY!"
good luck babe — you deserve it. i'm bummed i wasn't around for your chicago adventures!
Dang! Is there nothing you can't write? You can write romance novels too! I noticed this post generated more responses than disliking ketchup. The presence of longing and the hope of its fulfillment seems universal. I also enjoyed the social commentary on the prevalence of group dating and random hookups by the twenty-something crowd. Oh, Nicole-ster, you had me at Hello….
I just wanted to say that I love you. This is perfect and well, so are you.
I still read all your posts in my reader.
xoxoxoxo
This is quite possibly one of the best posts I have ever read. And I've read a LOT of posts.
It was like a snapshot of what I've experienced and what I'd like to experience.
At least we're not all alone, right?
None of your have been on dates before? I find that pretty damned shocking. But then again, maybe it's for the best.
I wrote a rebuttal to your post. I liked your post, by all means, but here's what you have to deal if you are in your 20s and you do date:
http://30alteriandollars.blogspot.com/2009/09/how…
Great post! It can be tough to survive the hookup culture. Any guy who has a hobby of hooking up is a douchebag…..a big fat one. He doesn't give a shit about the girl…he just wants her for sex. And you know that afterwards he's gonna go tell all his guy friends about you and the night you two shared. Then, he'll be off to go snag himself another chick. Despite all this, women give in to those guys. At first it seems like the guy is perfect for you and totally likes you for who you are. But after the hookup, he's gone, and it leaves you feeling not good enough for him. It's hard to trust guys once you've experienced the hookup culture we are stuck in.
So true, and I'd laugh if it weren't so sad… you've GOT to read this book by Wendy Shalit, this fantastically smart girl, called A Return to Modesty (I promise, it's not any puritanical stuff about necklines or skirt lengths). It's so much of what you're talking about here!!!
This was amazing and so true! I've made up my mind that that kind of thing doesn't exist, but if someone wants to prove me wrong, by all means go right ahead
hey can i just say I loved your post? Can I say I am pretty tired oh the hookup thing? I loved the final words on your text…why can't guys just print and post-it on their computers? Hello a great tip and you know what? Your post would make things a lot of easier to those guys that want make it right…
LOVED IT!
This makes me want to cry. I like jell-o salad. I'm very interested in using time travel as a dating technique.
You should read the book Hooking Up by Katherine Bogle (Bogel…?) I forget, but it is AWESOME. It's a sociological study about exactly what you're talking about. But it's a great read, not academic at all! I adored it!
Oh, the casual hookup. How dangerous and pathetic it can be. We do all have a hand in choosing the guys we date or "date," as the case may be. But it's not always that simple. I'm not even sure if I believe the good guys, the ones who call instead of text, the ones who want to know you, the ones who make an effort…I'm not sure if they exist any more.
But this post was right on and I loved it!
We do exist. We're just tired of being good guys and getting crap in return.
Then you're picking the wrong girls. Just like we're picking the wrong guys. It works both ways. Eventually us good people will find each other…maybe?
"…he comes up behind you and brushes your hair to the side, kissing you on the back of the neck."
Wait…that is MY move!! Drat….I feel like Jerry when Putty stole his "Move" and used it on Elaine.
I kindof feel like we should be friends. And I'm in Chicago. Wrigleyville, to be exact. Maybe I drove by you this weekend? I'll just guess yes. And we can have Peter to thank for 'introducing us.' Now on to finding THAT guy…
Wait a minute here, I don't remember telling you how my boyfriend and I got together. Where did you get this information?
Girl, you couldn't have nailed this on the head any better!
I swear at the end my heart skipped a beat. I guess love looks different to everyone, but I can't help wishing mine looked like that. Very well put!
hook up? never had a "hook up" in my life. it took me until i was 16 to have my first boyfriend, but i'd rather hold out for someone i actually like and a REAL relationship than get screwed over (literally) by some random dude. real relationships ARE out there, and so are great guys. for some reason, no one is willing to hold out for that kind of thing. i wonder why. simple solution: STOP HOOKING UP, demand respect from your man, and hold out until you find the right person.
OMG I love this, I can relate to the wants that I want for how I want a guy to show me that he likes me, loves me in those ways.
Wow, you are an amazing writer!
Everything you have said is so true, I am lucky enough to have found an amazing guy who just straight away let me know how he felt and who wouldn't give up until I was his. These guys do exist, they're just not to be found hanging around in bars or completely out of it at a party.
you mean a "nice guy" well the truth is guys like that ie me are just seen as friends sure friends is nice but we want kissing and sex too eventually but we don't get it cuz nice guys finish last. Gifts calling to much romantic plans remembering her birhday these things seem to be as sexually repulsive to women as bad breath. I hope to never hear the words lets jsut be friends or your like a brother to me ever again
Been there, done that…then became gay.
I don't mean to blow my own horn here but I wanted to say that I am just like that guy you talk about in the last few paragraphs. I'm hesitant to post this as I fear it will only give the impression that I bring this up to boost my own ego. In the end I think I'll take that risk. I only mention this because I want to give hope to ladies out there that this type of guy still exists. Want to find us? Get away from bars, clubs, and other party shacks. That's where you go to 'hook up', not find love.
I have a girl I know who I selflessly went out of my way for because I cared for her and just maybe loved her. I didn't have enough time to find out. Sadly nothing could happen…yet as she was leaving for the military. A four year tour to wherever in God's name they send you can really put a damper on relationships. I just hope she comes back someday. While I didn't cook her dinner I did make a sandwich for her and her friend as she was so busy getting her things in order as she was preparing to leave that she didn't have time to do anything for herself. I also brought her a big bottle of orange juice, her favorite….just because I knew she liked it and it would make her happy.
So yeah, we still exist. Don't give up hope, and don't settle for second best.
Love this. Love it.
I am that guy, and I hate to tell you, as much as you think you want me, no one apparently does. I get tossed because I'm too involved, because I'm not acting like enough of a tool. At least with girls in their 20s. Maybe when we get to the 30s it will get better, but I want kids and I'm afraid it'll be too late before anyone is foolish enough to want the guy who genuinely wants them and not just the hook up.
Agreed. The sad fact is most of these stories continue to:
Meet said guy. Tell him you love him and want to have his children. Get bored. Dump him for being too nice. Devastated guy resolves not to be so ‘nice’ in future and joins hookup culture to meet someone else. Repeat from start.
Isn’t society great.
This is one of the most entertaining and honest things I have read in a long time. You have taken the words right out of my mouth!
I can't believe I haven't discovered your blog sooner. I. Love. It.
Seriously-where the hell have I been?? Haha.
This post, especially-I'm 20 and have never been on a real date before, either! And here I am, mooning after a guy I know is no good for me and who is taken anyway…*sigh*
So, yes, I can definitely relate. Good to know there are other people out there in the same boat!
Your uninhibited biological drive will keep you attracted to the same type of hookup men. You are an uninhibited and free person. You have your free choices. Your free choice, based on your biological drive, will always make you attracted to the same type of men that are unfortunately not the type of men you dream about.
The type of males you dream about are currently classified as weirds, nerds, beta-males etc. Those males do not naturally attract you.
The common culture among alpha-males, that naturally attract you, is hookup culture. So unless one of those alpha-males makes an exception to the rule and retreats from this culture, you will never find the male of your dreams.
chris, james, alex….you all are 100% right…if you are a “nice guy”, you will never get attractive girls…..EVER…well…u might get them for a few weeks and then when they release your not a fucking douchebag they drop u like a bad habit….ive had to go through this shit and learned my lessons the hard way…got fed up with all the heartbreak and decided to join the hookup culture and change the way I act towards females and it’s amazing how much better girls respond to you when you are a dick to them
Absolutely spot on. The whole hookup culture is so draining. I just turned 24 and the only “real” dates I’ve been on were dates with guys I was already dating (which definitely count as “real” dates, but it’s not the same as what we’re talking about here).
I just stumbled across your blog last week, and I’m so glad I did. Thank you for such a well-written, insightful post!
wow. you just spoke out the truth of our modern generation so eloquently. sometimes, i wonder the same thing. whatever happened to old school love stories? all this random hook-up, txting culture or facebook planning.. its all SHIT in the end! guys nowadays have got it tooo damn easy! but i'm still optimistic that there are those courteous, gentlemen still available who believes in chivalry (to say the least) & isn't that big of a commitment phobe! gluck to all the women of NOW & may everyone one of us create our own fairytale. =D
God, women are soooooooooo shallow. You're never gonna find a guy who treats you like the friggin queen of Sheba because, yes, that's right honey, you're not that interesting. Your expectations are incredibly naive and unrealistic and immature. lol
I think they emancipated the slaves in the 1900s. Sounds like you want a man-slave, NOT a boyfriend/partner.
I was raised by two older sisters and a mum so I pretty much thought it was common knowledge to ask girls out on dates. I did that and it got me nothing. Looking back the last girl actually just wanted a ONS and I was too naive or brainwashed by my upbringing to even see that.
Living out of home and sharing a house now with arrogant dropkicks even depresses me more seeing them with a new girl every night. Stop kidding yourselves that you want that guy in this blog. As soon as a guy does that he'd be labelled by women and the media as a wimp, insecure, beta male etc. And for those who say i'm going after the wrong girls, I'm not going after the wild blonde party girls. I go for the typical girl-next-door type. Fuck, I even tried an extreme Christian once.
I can handle rejection, but when you see the next guy they go after you can't help but think that women just dig loud-mouthed life-of-the-party types. And if you're a good guy you get "taken for granted" as already shown in some of these comments.
As a Gen Xer, I can tell you that all of these issues, for guys and girls, will be answered for you, and will look as ridiculous in hindsight as your middle-school poetry about wanting to die looks to you now. There's only two problems: one, you'll find out too late, and two, you are incapable at this age of believing anyone who tries to tell you the secret. So I won't.
Welcome to adulthood, dears.
just found your blog and love this – I lived this life throughout college…before my husband, I could count the "real" dates on 1 hand. The hook-up culture starts out fun because you assume things will turn into more…but as you get older it just sucks. I'm thankful I met my husband just when I was fed up with hook-ups. And told him he could call and ask me out or nothing. Luckily he called to take me to dinner. I feel for my girlfriends going through this exact thing still. Don't give up hope, there are amazing guys out there that are just as sick of the hook ups and are ready for real relationships – you just have to find the one that will take you out to dinner (alone!) first
love your blog!
So true
I even got a little teary eyed at the last part
Made worst by the fact that I'm asian american and the asian culture really idealizes (in media, movies etc) the whole "the one" and proper dating dream while endless hookups seems to be the norm with mass american culture (look at TV shows like Gossip Girl, etc) The more they glamorize it, the more it makes guys think they can do that.
It makes it even more confusing and frustrating.
I have been in this situation but I have gone out on dates. But today's day and age it seems harder to find the quality one. I do believe that the "Good Man" is an endangered species. I have seen them and I do know they exist. Too bad the good ones are already taken and married. Grr. It is such a viscous cycle.
Never thought I'd say it- but I'm glad that I came of age in the slacker generation of the 90's. As much as Woodstock 94 sucked back then only doctors and kingpin dealers had cellphones, and nobody out there was expecting you to update them on twitter each time you felt the need to take a dump. Speaking of dumping (someone, that is) doing it via e-mail or any other "application" is not just tacky but totally unethical. I think that guys and chicks play this same game. This lack of face to face respect is breeding an apathetic generation that seems complacent in living in an ideal impenetrable techno-sphere. I have yet to become victim of said treatment, but if that day ever came I would have to throw in my reply that "FYI:I know where you live, bitch!"
I got jealous yesterday when I watched Pleasantville.
I really wish we could just backtrack and date like they used to. Bake cookies instead of saying “what’s up,” go to “lover’s lane,” and “exchange pins.”
Oh wow.
wow..I have felt this and been that girl and i never thought i would say this..but i found that guy..it amazing..its easy and carefree with him. The hard part is dealing with the old hook ups that still want to hook up..Trust me from one 25 year old to another 20 something..He is out there.
Brilliant article. You have a very firm grasp on the verbal caricature of the hookup culture. You should trying being friends with a guy first though. So no flirting and no reference to sex and no kissing for the first few weeks that you are getting to know each other. Real, innocent friends. If he shows the kind of interest you want him to show in getting to know you then you can up the tempo. Ladies, this is the secret to breaking the hookup cycle.
i freakin love this little rant of yours. College dating sucks so bad..i hope one day i too can surpass all the booty call texting..and drunkin frat boy hook ups and move on to a real man that knows how to treat a woman =)
Just to let you know, this post was used in a lecture on Social Problems at the University of Virginia. The topic of this particular lecture was the "hookup culture." As a college student myself, I'm really impressed with how successfully you illustrated the ridiculous lifestyle that is the hookup culture.
So I’ve spent the past hour browsing blogs (a lame way to spend a Friday evening, right?), and I’ve found yours to be by far the most entertaining, and this post is just awesome! (by which I mean, it’s got energy and sincerity and humor all in one, by which I do not mean your “simply but not easy” solution to surviving the hookup culture isn’t a little idealistic, but I like it anyway.) And I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but someone else left a comment on April 1st, so I figured it wasn’t too late.
Bravo!
Wow this is a great entry. I found this from a friend’s blog and loved it. I honestly never dated until my senior year in high school because EVERYONE was going by the “dating rules” and they’d hang out and it was just so childish to me… I wanted to wait until I could find something REAL and SERIOUS. Being with someone is not a game, in my opinion. I was lucky enough to find someone who would ask ME on a date. We went on a couple of dates before he asked me out, but I didn’t accept until two months later… It felt soon and I wasn’t ready, but eventually I decided I was ready to take it to the next level. We have been very happy for a year now. But you know, the guy that we all dream about — I really don’t think he exists. People say there are guys like that out there in the world… but I beg to differ. My boyfriend was PERFECT in the beginning. He was always so sweet and sincere, he acted so caring, and he always held the door for me (even when getting in and out of the vehicle!). Now, after a year of being together, I know he can be very stubborn, lazy,insensitive, and selfish at times… But I guess every relationship has their ups and downs.
Part 1:
My friend pointed me to your site and I have what I think is helpful criticism, but may just comes off as feminist ranting.
1) Why don’t you call the guy. If you exchanged numbers you have every opportunity that he does to make that first date move. If the guy is going to feel emasculated that you called him instead and insists that he must have control over the situation by being the one to communicate first, then maybe you should focus your attention on someone who isn’t a misogynist.
2) “Wish desperately that you lived in the 1950s.” Maybe I am only remembering the negative parts of this time period but the rampant domestic abuse and the control that a husband had over his wife that was considered not only socially acceptable but proper is disturbing if not disgusting. Also, as I recall it, courting was more of a high school thing that you did before you got married by 20, usually by engaging in unsafe sex and being forced into a loveless marriage by pregnancy. Not my idea of the golden days.
3) While I am a strong supporter of the sex-positive movement and don’t have a problem with hookups in theory, the drunken part worries me. Because legally, intoxication negates the ability to consent and lack of consent is (potential? depends on interpretation) rape by either party. Not to mention that safe sex is not always practiced with the same fervor when drunk. Risky, risky. If the hookup lifestyle makes you unhappy, you could always… not participate.
Consensual (non obligatory) hookups =
Drunken hookups =
Part 2:
4) Walk of shame? That phrase has started to upset me in the past few years. Why can’t a “grown ass woman” fuck a guy (who consents) when she feels like it and then walk home in the morning enjoying the sunrise. Is there something shameful about consensual sex? If you were drunk and had sex (sometimes classified as rape, the current laws are poorly written about this) when you otherwise wouldn’t, should a woman feel shameful for being raped? Change in the social system starts with a change in language.
5) “A guy who doesnt follow the damn dating rules.” Isn’t this what you were complaining about. That he wasn’t following the dating rules in the first place (i.e. not calling you)? Now you want a guy who doesn’t follow them? Is there a difference between a past generation’s dating rules and the modern one’s that you aren’t making clear?
6) “A guy who tries aggressively to get to know you. Who, once he does, isnt afraid to admit that hes straight up and down crazy about you.” Well hopefully you like him too. Because otherwise you might have a stalker or another Young Werther to deal with.
I want to like your blog, the design is interesting and you seem to enjoy writing, but it does upset me when someone is willing to sacrifice their autonomy because of societal conventions or out of some desperate non-life-sustaining desire. Especially when so many people agree with the sentiment. Maybe it is different on the West Coast, but here in the American South it isn’t the end of the world to be single and women are asserting their autonomy in the dating world. Maybe we are just more progressive. Wait? What?
Hi, I’m a Filipino girl and in my culture courtship is the norm and not dating. It’s incredibly frustrating too. Because as a girl, you are forced to wait until a guy notices and courts you. And when he does, he will only show you his good side–he will woo and flatter you and pretend to be interested in you. When you get married, that’s when the trouble starts.
So you see, even though mine is not a hook up culture, there are disadvantages to it as well. And as a woman, you are not empowered to make your own choice. You are forced to wait and be chosen. That sucks. At least in dating, you can make the choice. And yeah, I do also have a problem with the term “walk of shame”. You’re a grown ass woman, why should you be shameful for having needs? Consensual hook ups are fine. Explore the world and kiss as many frogs as you want. But be realistic to accept that that there are no princes–only palace courtiers and woodcutters! Because damn, who said that you are a princess?
Also, dinosaurs even share my opinion.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1734
I am kind of that guy being talked about in the article. I didn’t even know such a world casualness existed (you might say I am old-fashioned) until I met my current girlfriend. I haven’t had sex with so many girls in my life, so it surprised me to hear that she had have so many guys. But the thing that really got me is that she did virtually crumble under the preassure of not being able to find a true boyfriend, they were all just out for the sex. One thing that might have added to this was that she isn’t that particularily beautiful, but has a very good heart (which is why I love her). Guys being out for sex did have an easy go on her because of this and because of her desparation. She was so desparate to turn this getting laid thing into something serious, that she got really depressed. In the end, howevever, it didn’t really matter to her that much. She knew that it would make her miserable. In the end, she thought it’s about her that guys don’t want her as a true girlfriend, but only for the sex. She then went on getting laid a lot, knowing exactly that she would feel miserable, and using this as sort of a punishment on her, as something to cause herself deliberate emotional pain. At some point, she was even close to suicde. Then I picked her up in a really horrifying emotional condtion. Now she’s with me and I care for her truly and upright as it’s supposed to be.
Believe me, this hook-up culture does benefit no one but men. Women, despite being oh-so feminized and equal in standing, cannot have casual sex without feeling the need for deeper attachment. If this goes on like it does we’ll have generations of young suicidal women and over-confident asshole males walking around the streets.
I have that guy and he is my first
you write beautifully and it is because of you i appreciate him more and he will get a surprise today. thank you
Just found your blog today and I am already a big fan. Good stuff Nicole, very enjoyable to read. Shit is fuuunnnnyyy! There is so much here I can relate to.
I really enjoyed this blog. Its nice to dream
you could definitely be my friend in another life, this is my life to a T, DAMN you’re good
I’ve met, and dated, this sort of elusive male. However, after having gone through the series of other lame guys who are just hookups…the good ones seem a little crazy! I’ve been so overwhelmed by the …intensity… of them wanting to ‘know’ me that I just was seriously turned off. Maybe that is my own insecurity working against me, because I was thinking “If this guy was so awesome…why the hell would be be so into me?? He must be a loser. BREAKUP!”. But then I find myself realizing that I AM AWESOME, and his actions were warranted, and I let a good one go. Men have a very fine line to walk between disinterested hookup, and crazy person. One piece of advice to those men erring on the crazy side: make sure you are super confident, so your intense way of getting to know a girl doesn’t make her think you’re a desperate loser.
I don’t care that you have 103 other comments that probably say the same thing: I am you in some alternate parallel universe. And my name is Nicole, which is how I ended up here to begin with.
Also, amen and amen.
I see many guys and girls walking around with mobile phones, but nobody seems to be talking on them. They may as well start removing the speakers and microphones from them.
Still, nice to know there are still some people out there who appreciate 1 v 1 human communication. It seems the more modes of communication there are, the more people drift apart.
I am sitting at my desk at work trying to not cry because of how dead on this is. Thank you for your honesty and for making me feel less crazy.
I’m the kind of guy you describe you want in your post… I’m also classy, intelligent, compassionate, empathetic, and as an added bonus I’m incredibly well off! I genuinely try to get to know the person I’m going out with and I’m far from being a geek/nerd – self confidence is also sky high. However, I’m finding that there is absolutely no market left for guys like me. It sounds good in theory but girls/women today do not want this, they do not want men that will listen, care, or provide for them on any level because it somehow robs them of independence. I’ve tried it and it gets me nowhere but if I become ambivalent and act like a douche then I have a line-up of women willing to do anything. Also, what incentive is there for me to commit to a woman when she’s had 10+ guys and she’s just turned 22? She just doesn’t feel that special or rare and when it’s tokenized to a basic need like eating then what will cause her to stop seeking different flavors if we get married? I think things are only going to get worse and unless we can form real emotional relationships instead of using sex as a currency we are all going to be very lonely when we hit 50+; but it will be much worse for women at that age then men.
Agree with Darcy. I tried dating a lot. Girls often don’t understand I am expressing interest in them, or call me ‘chivalrous’ and then sleep with me. I don’t want to date any girl who’s had a friend with benefits, it is repulsive. Shows lack of moral character and high likelihood to cheat. But increasingly I think I will have to date religious people, people from other countries, the very rare ‘good’ people, or just compromise my standards. As far as what works, yes hooking up works, most girls just want sex, not love. Once I stopped behaving nicely to girls, it became much easier to get sex, which seems to be the way you try and have a relationship (I don’t just want random sex, I want relationships, but that’s not an option). This isn’t what I want at all, but you have to do what the market demands. Girls seem to get offended if you ask why they do this, so you don’t ask you just have to keep making out, sleeping with them, make sure you’re fit, dressed well, go to the right parties, and so forth. That’s the main chance you have to get anything emotional from a woman.
To add a little more, I think Jess’s comment pretty much sums up the attitude very well: “One piece of advice to those men erring on the crazy side: make sure you are super confident, so your intense way of getting to know a girl doesnt make her think youre a desperate loser.”
It’s been shown that among early hunter-gatherer societies, very few men have most of the sex, and others’ marriages have very high illegitimacy rates, since the women are all cheating with the few men who get sex. For a while in religious times we had men and women pair off so things were more equitable for guys. But now that we have condoms and hookup culture it’s back to the law of the jungle again. In the jungle, sex is the currency that determines whether as a guy you have worth or are a loser.
I’m highly educated, young, very successful, make a lot of money, fit, enjoy socializing, and told I look like a model. But if I just go and treat women well, well, in the past 5 years I got zero relationships and just some casual sex who then freak out and tell me I am un-confident if I ask for a relationship. If I tell woman what I’m looking for — a life partner — they have completely flipped, since that’s “extremely unconfident” and “a sign of craziness/loserness”, and commitment scares women unless they’ve had a lot of sex first.
So basically the solution is to be a douche, not care too much about women, sleep with them, conform very well to the small percentage of men who women are after for casual sex — fit, dress well, charming, picking up girls, and trying to get in their pants (these are the men who get the best offers from the most attractive and nicest women for relationships). You don’t conform to that and you won’t get laid or a relationship.
And women will start making assumptions like they make about some of my nice and attractive male friends, that if they’re old and haven’t had serious relationships, or a virgin there is something is wrong with them. Point is, averages and conformity attract, so do conform to hookup culture, don’t be a nice guy, don’t treat women super well, always insist on what you “want” (if you don’t want anything just make something up, so they won’t think you’re a pushover), basically force yourself to have fun with all the hookups and ignore what women “want”. They’ll pretty much do the same back, so you have to be tough and then eventually you might find someone compatible.
And one more thing. When women complain about this stuff, do not, DO NOT sympathize with them. It will get you put in the friend zone due to being emotionally available. Women are the choosers, men have to pursue women. So women are choosing who they want! They’ll say they don’t want a bunch of assholes and many partners and cry a lot, then go right back to doing this.
One of my female friends goes around picking up guys, she gets about 80% success rate, guys get maybe 5-10%. Eventually in their 30s women decide they want to have kids and have been “hurt” by all the sex, and they’re all poor and downtrodden for not having connected emotionally. But this is what they chose! They find a beta provider and complain to him about all the sex they had, while he was treating women nicely. Honestly I think the loser in this situation is the guy who was NICE since he gets a used up girl who has had many partners, often problems connecting emotionally and with fidelity, whereas the guy was being alone for a long time, kind, and treated like shit by women.
All these posts by women here PROVE what I am saying. I enjoy women and being around women. But for evolutionary reasons, women are hardwired to like selfish men. So act selfish towards women. Women don’t go around saying they aren’t interested in love (long term commitment and altruism, how often do you see that?) and just want an asshole for sex (instant high and being satisfied), because it makes them look cheap. But as a guy if you aren’t so nice, well, I’ve had MUCH more success forming relationships with really great girls, just by being more of a douche.
And if you don’t believe me, this is very well documented scientifically and by sociologists. Read the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. Read case studies about men who are respectful towards women, or families who raised their young men to be respectful towards women. Here is one of the commentators:
“Kudos for you and your husband for raising such good [young men].
Having said that, you don’t have to protect your children from these hookup girls for the simple reason that these girls don’t want anything to do with good men: they find them boring and unchallenging. They prefer the scumbags. …
So your men will raise being lonely and feeling unloved, as most good men have raised for the last thirty years. Then, when the girls have ended having their fun and hearing that biological clock (usually around the mid-thirties), they would want the good men to marry and have a family. This is the danger your children will have to face, because these women, until years of hooking up, don’t make good wives. They are so used to the excitement of the hookup life that marriage ends up being boring for them after a few years. They are the ones who divorce the soonest stripping the men of their assets and their children. This is the danger of your boys but it’s still in the future, so you can prepare.
My advice to you is to go to traditional communities where girls are more traditional and good men are valued.”
I think you should really take a look at yourself instead of complaining about guys. Women initiate 2/3 of divorces, are the choosers in whether to initiate relationships, decided they are sexually liberated so they only sleep with some small number of douchebags only in casual relationships, reject men who try to pursue relationships as “insecure”, finally date my good, responsible, engineer (not too nerdy, actually quite interesting people) men friends in their 30s, initiate a divorce and strip them of assets.
I’m certainly on to your tricks, and I personally while I’ll try to have relationships with girls I believe are good, I’ll also have foreign bank accounts girls will never know about, a prenup, and if all I can find are American whores who had friends with benefits, then I’m more than happy to find better girls from other cultures. I’m angry, because I got screwed over real bad in my early 20s, but I also have a lot to offer and am a nice person, and I’m making sure that never happens to me again. I can protect myself since I educated myself. But the thing that makes me really angry, I just royally pissed when I see my nice guy friends get shafted by girls who have so much choice, choose horribly, ask better guys to pick up the pieces and then destroy those guys’ lives in turn.
Wake up! It takes two people to make a hookup. If you don’t want a guy to treat you like someone he can just hook up with, then you have to stop acting like someone he can just hook up with. Act the way you want to be treated, and you will be treated that way.
You can’t expect the guy to do everything. It takes a lot of work for a guy to build up the confidence to ask you out, and to make money to take you somewhere. You have to do your own work: Build your sense of self-worth, and the courage to say ‘no’ to something you don’t want.
This is a process that takes years. It’s easy to forget when you’re in college, in your late teens and early twenties, that only a few short years ago the guys you are hooking up with now were being driven around by their mothers, being told to do their homework. It’s not surprising that they haven’t turned into sophisticated ladies’ men yet.
The hookup culture is an attempt to fit sex into the childhood model of boys and girls playing together. You’re looking at each other as though you are still playmates, but now you’re having sex and sleeping over, instead of just going home to your parents’. The hookup culture ignores most of the huge social and emotional ramifications of sex.
It sounds like you are just yearning to move on from the environment where men and women have fun having sex, but are still essentially acting like children. Take yourself seriously, ask yourself what sex means to you, and what you are willing to give to a real partner and a real relationship. If you have a clearer idea of all that, you will probably stop doing what you’re doing. That’s the only way you’re going to find a man who treats you differently.
Anon is bang on. I also classify myself in the “nice guy” niche. Being a nice guy also means being bitter. I am fit, good-looking, highly intelligent, educated and ambitious. Do you think I have many relationships? I am in the process of trying to change myself in the same was as Anon, because when I ask women out for coffee (which seems completely non-commital) I usually get blown off. When I pepper them with sexual induendo (as they usually do with me) and act indifferent, I get a ton of interest. I only ever knew one girl who was actually interested in a relationship with me and not just sex and like Anon said, she was in her mid-thirties, had slept around with a ton of guys and her biological clock was ticking. She walked all over me–cheating on me and treating me like dirt and then had the gaul to ask, “Why don’t you want to marry me?”–while she was sleeping with a new fellow.
So yes, such men are endangered because if they know what’s good for them, they will try to change…
These guys who you pain for now, these nice guys who will love you for who are not just how good you are in bed are endangered because girls don’t want them. Girls in their twenties alwasy go for the guys just after hookups, they fall hook line and sinker for it and when these decent guys realise this they can change and go down the other path. These nice guys always get fucked around by girls playing games with them, testing their confidence and their back bone. If girls in their twenties looked at love logically you’d find more of these guys avaialable to you. Too often they just get hurt and end up frustrated and change. That is why I have moved from a nice guy to joing the hookup culture. I may go back after a while but for now, I have not been happier. Sometimes empty with purely sexual encounters but as a guy, I can have sex without female mind games and tests that come with relationship territory.
be open minded to older guys, try meeting guys from different cultures, refuse to text, and respect yourself by never sleeping around. Put your phones away, turn of tv forever, stop watching stupid films and reality tv, quiet your inner self , and stop blogging about such private and personal matters such as your use of vibrators. (((You think any self respecting man with strong family values would want to date or marry women who blog about it? FAIL!)))
But most importantly – stop being the self centered, know-it-all,condescending, vulgar, stuck-up females most of your generation have become … that’s why so many of you are alone and lonely….. truly humble your souls and you will see the difference…
I am down right disgusted with the “hookup” culture… so many people do it while still claiming that they’d absolutely love for the right person to come along and sweep them off their feet (the most oxymoronic statement/action combo known to man, in my opinion). Maybe they genuinely are searching for that right person but the chances of that happening while you’re actively engaged in the hookup culture are down-right laughable. The person that is going to sweep you off your feet is going to be someone that doesn’t hookup with you… plain and simple. I am one of the guys described in the last 3 paragraphs… There are guys and girls out there that aren’t short-sighted and selfish and actually respect themselves enough to wait for someone truely worth giving it a shot with before jumping into bed. Women need to realize that they are the ones that have the power to squelch or even eliminate the hookup culture (that absolutely will never happen though, unfortunately). Guys are not emotionally wired the same way women are. It has been studied and proven many ways and many times that guys can have sex with a partner and not have the same emotional/bonding reaction that women do. I’m not saying that this is absolute, either way(meaning there are also women who can hookup like men and have very minimal, if any, feelings afterwards and I’m also saying that some men will exhibit the more stereotypically female emotional reactions after hooking up). If women want a long term, faithful, rewarding, fulfilling relationship then stop doing it with everyone that shows interest in you. Some of you women that responed above are implying (or plainly stating) that a good man is pretty hard to find these days… I feel the exact same way about my chances of finding the right girl for me also.
As a side note, I would recommend reading “Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate and Think about Marrying” by Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker
I couldn’t agree with this article more. I just read the last comment too–”be open minded about older guys”–nope. Not in L.A. Peter Pan syndrome.
dead on. i hooked up and like he LIDGIT TEXTED ME ON THURDAY saying whats up!! like for real i started getting all excited as the blog says! you understand the girls life for sure!
lols.. hookup culture. I have been researching on this for a while now. and read this and that and a whole lot of justification from wives who are submissive to other men whom they call their masters while they are still married and are actively fucking around and are proud and justify it.
Now are you just suggesting that women are dumb? what about the whole equality thing. You could call me a feminist male. as it what it started out for. and the reasons for what it had actually begun for from a historical stand point.
After reading and doing my home work on this, i have realized one thing. Any person could find any justification for any sort of behavior. In the time i have been researching . The number of women who are having extended relationships are far greater than men. I’m sorry my study isn’t something that is funded or has a statistic involved. I started this out in my attempt to understand my failed relationship with a woman who expected me to be alright and accepting that she has sexual endavours with other men and women.
About good guys and gals. I dunno how you’d find them. But i do know this.
Being promiscuous is being promiscuous. wanting to fuck around is wanting to fuck around. Its just that. And wanting to settle down with some ‘nice’ guy after you have grown tired of that life style is just that. and then turning around and doing what ever the fuck you want after you get married of feeling some kind of security is doing just that.
beta-males, alpha-males, beta-females, alpha-females .. it doesn’t matter.
morals, values, ideals, thats what all this is really about. and the lack there of, and how selfishly some people justify a particular kind of lifestyle and do what ever they want and use their prejudice to justify their ever changing needs of the moment. Thats what all this is really about.
Lol, ok I like the way you began with the whole “how shit starts and progresses till hook-up” but after that you kinda loose track of reality. First off, if you really did meet a guy who fits your criteria, you would inevitably get used to being treated well and then take it for granted. Next, the “Nice guy” would eventually stop doing those things you expect because you never show appreciation for how much effort he puts into it.
As far as the random hook-up, its not the guys who are fucking you over, it yourself. There is not an endless sea of assholes out there, just about 10%. Unfortunately you only like those 10%. Your the problem!
Why do I say that? Well, guys who dont care about you, are not intimidated to talk to you, so they are easy to talk to. They will call you on their terms and will use you till something better comes along.
How do you find the good guys? Easy, talk to them first. Dont wait for a guy to approach you, and if he does only give him your number if he sounds like he’s nerves as shit. The more casual he sounds the better chance he’s a doosher. Most guys are shy, and it takes a little while for them to get over the initail shock of your beauty, before they can hold a steady conversation (without sounding like a blubbering idiot). These guys will treat you the way you [supposedly] want.
I learned this because I am a hot guy and always had girls but those girls were always hoes. I eventually realized that I only hooked up with girls who hit on me first. Thats when I started being the agressor and since then, I have only been with quality girls who treat me fucking amazing. People who are kind, unfortunately posses another traite that is less desirable; it takes them some time to warm up to you before they can be themselves. Their kindness has been taken advantage of so many times that they are reluctant to start new relationships. This responsibility, therefore, lies upon you. You must be the agressor. You must show them that you wont take advantage of that kindness but will instead reciprocate it.
Great post! I think it’s unfortunate that we have this ridiculous hookup culture, but both men and women are at fault here. Many men (not all) think it’s perfectly okay to disrespect women by treating them like sex objects. Yes, ladies, the hookup culture is not empowering. I see too many young women who think that having sex with random strangers is “empowering” or “liberating.” A very crucial aspect of empowerment that is missing in these hookups is respect. Respect is usually one-sided or completely nonexistent in hookups. These women are nothing more than sex toys to these men, and it’s women stop kidding themselves that they’re seen as anything more than sex objects in these hookups. If you sleep with a guy and can’t even say what is name is, then there is a problem.
The reason why many women are having problems with finding a healthy relationship or even just dating is that men know they can easily get sex from anyone if their “date” doesn’t put out within minutes of meeting for the first time. Women have lowered their standards for men. People treat you the way you LET them treat you. If a man can get away with a f**k-buddy type of relationship with a woman, then why would he bother putting in any effort in getting to know her? Why would he put in any effort when he’s already getting what he wants: sex with no strings attached. Women need to take a stand and demand that men treat them with respect and treat them like human beings who deserve to be loved and valued. This is the only way this hookup culture will end.
{ 4 trackbacks }