In your 20s, I think it’s pretty safe to make the generalizing statement that no matter who you are, things are often overwhelmingly confusing, and stressful, and that there is a lot of needing to talk oneself down from the crazy ledge on an all too constant basis.
I know that I’m about as deep into it as I could possibly be at this point, and that while everyone’s experiences are different, it helps to share. My own experience has been something like this:
Graduate from college a year early. Look around. Realize that despite 18 years of school, you’re not really qualified to do anything. Take that back- decide that you can, in fact, do one hell of a body shot. Get your diploma. Stare at it. Laugh hysterically that your student loans have just bought you a $50,000 piece of paper and a 20-year future of increasing debt. Make your first student loan payment. Stop laughing. Make another payment the next month, and the month after that. Start crying.
Get year-round job offers. Turn them down for the chance to run a summer day camp. Pick up part-time jobs to make things manageable in between. Work annoying retail hours. Ask yourself why you’re living in one of the most expensive cities in the world when you don’t have a full-time job. Feel broke. Eat a lot of pasta. Continue to party too hard with all of your friends who are still in college. Let the year slip by. Watch them graduate.
Pick up and move to California for the summer, for camp. Work hard. Make money. Buy stuff. Work harder. Make more money. Buy more stuff. Stuff you don’t need. Return to NYC at the end of the summer. Move in with your boyfriend. Live there during the year, and in California during the summer. Love him. Make plans. Notice suddenly that for some reason, like everything else you try to plan, this no longer fits. Move to California full-time. Have failed rebound flings. Get more odd jobs. Feel horrible about yourself. Live in the suburbs. Remain relatively unhappy. Repeat.
Decide to go to graduate school. Apply. Get in. Change your mind. Decide to be a writer. Get too scared. Give up. Wake up one morning and realize that you’re 24 years old with no real savings account and an even more meager life plan. Cry. Flip out. Call your mom. Cry and flip out to your mom. Repeat.
Start comparing your life to your friends’ lives. Question absolutely everything. Wonder desperately about the paths you didn’t take. Feel inferior about not having a career you love, a man you love, a home you love, or friends you love who live within driving distance. Climb up very, very high on the crazy ledge. Lose a friend to suicide. Hang from the crazy ledge by two thumbs. Then one thumb.
Force yourself to snap the hell out of it. Sort of. Decide that a predetermined-cookie-cutter spot just simply doesn’t exist for you in this world. Feel anxiety, followed by enormous relief. Empower yourself to carve out your own niche. Commit to living life on your own terms. Evaluate what’s been holding you back. Make lists. Lists upon lists. Hundreds of lists. Finally quit camp. Give up your entire safety net. Temporarily move in with your parents in Arizona. Realize how badly you want to travel and write. Make up your mind to just fucking do it already. Stop making excuses. Start putting money and resources where your big, loud mouth is. Get scared. Talk it out with people who love you. Realize that despite your often bizarre, alternative lifestyle choices, there are a wonderfully heart breaking amount of people who love you. Commit to daily gratitude.
Stop comparing your life to every other life. Know that the best that you can do is the best that you can do. Compose a personal mission statement. Try to make one good decision after another. Stumble. Beat yourself up over your mistakes. Take pause. Vow to be nicer to yourself. Grasp desperately for perspective.
Continue the daily climb up and down the crazy ledge. Think that with all that climbing, you’d better have a damn fine ass by the time you turn 25.
{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }
You are amazing! Don't ever let yourself say you're not. Your writing always puts my own life into perspective for me. Look at everything that you have already accomplished and you're still young! I'm 21 and I've never moved anywhere… much less on my own to California! You've run a camp, you've been brave enough to try to make yourself happy and follow your dreams, you graduated school early! (seriously jealous of this, I'm in my own senior year and it's awful!) You are brave and mature and amazing. So what if you're not subscribing to the "normal" life plan? I think your life is wayyy more fun and exciting. So cheer up and be you!
“commit to daily gratitude.” = the thing that made me cry today, and it’s only 7:19am.
You forgot the part about starting a blog that inspires/rocks/creates a community. Don’t forget that part.
This is amazing. I'm yet to hit the 'quarter life crisis' mark but have definitely experienced a chunk of what you wrote! Keep writing! I'm totally subscribing and can't wait to see what else you write about.
I've got the anxiety part under control. I'm halfway to self-actualization!
Man, you have been through a LOT in the past few years!!!
I hope that when you turn a quarter of a century it will be in NYC! I can't wait for your nomadic adventures to begin! Or have they already? You are definitely living life out LOUD…
I'm a college senior and that made me feel much better about my own omgwtfIhavenoideawhat'sgoingonhere future. I can get through it! You did.
i like the whole "commit to daily gratitude" thing. i think it's something we all need to do a little more of. you're amazing & i love you.
"Stop comparing your life to every other life." Do not ever lose that because YOUR life has been, IS and will continue to be unique and amazing. (And I'll be there every fucking step of the way because I love you HUGE and you mean the world to me)
You are amazing.
And inspiring.
Remember that.
Did I write this? No? Well, I could have.
And I'm emailing you soon about the travel/teach abroad plans. We must make it happen!
You are amazing and I heart you.
and can we start the adoption process already!? sheesh, you need to be back in chicago already!
This is so damn good. I am so quarterlife crisis right now and I get it. I am all of these as well. From one crazy to another, thanks!
I'm about to turn 27 this year, and, in this "choose your own adventure" style post, I took the first left turn you avoided: I took a full-time, salaried position right out of college.
Where am I now? I am 26 years old and freshly laid off. I'm married. I have a mortgage, student loan payments and car payments. I live in Dallas. I am looking for work and writing in the meantime. I, too, am in the throes of an existential nightmare, wondering what it is I should have/could have/would have done if I had not accepted my job with the newspaper…
And to tell you the truth, there is no answer to the puzzle you are looking to solve. I, however, admire your ambition (you heard me right, ambition) to go and travel and see the world and make your own destiny and to live and experience life through a different lense.
Sounds like you've been through a lot over the last few years. Good luck with this!
That…was a really great post. I'm glad I read it.
It's instantly sort stimulating this internal dialogue about where I'm at and how I truly feel about it.
Scary shit.
This was a really great post that I think LOTS of 20-somethings can relate to!
I love this, and I want to hear your personal mission statement!! How did you go about that one?
I adore you, lady, and I'm so proud of you. You're way, way too amazing to fit in a box and that's a perfect, wonderful thing.
This. Was. Awesome. And something that I really needed to read today. Today, I feel like a loaded gun ready to go off at any given second. I never thought about having a persoanl mission statement, that is my goal for the weeks end. Or maybe the months end. Thank you, Nicole.
Oh wow. I think you spoke the minds of the majority of people not only in the blogosphere, but in life! I totally feel you.
It's funny…I had just posted some ramblings about my own QL crisis when I saw your tweet. I like your plan of attack for dealing with it. As someone in her late 20s (with a fabulous ass), I can tell you that the climb doesn't end at 25….I'm still searching, wishing and waiting.
You do realize that when you're all successful & famous from your travel show or life-transforming camp that you run for inner city youth or whatever it is that I KNOW you are destined for people will be clamoring for you to run seminars on how to really LIVE YOUR LIFE? I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm envious of you.
I also think you're inspirational, hilarious, gorgeous, witty and above all, this post? Totally how I feel on a regular basis. xoxoxo
This is my story!
Am jst past the stage of comparing my life and realising tht my experineces are jst as unique and worth being proud of (drunken exploits included)!there are times when I dn’t wanna get up but I do and the fact I do despite the odds stand for something!I think I jst need to hve more faith in myself and keep on going cos its my life and I may as well enjoy it:)
There is NO comparing your life to most other lives, and I mean that in the best way possible. Now please come visit me.
I could have written this post, know exactly how you feel. I will be 25 next month and am still trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself. It's hard and crazy and scary and exciting, but it's still kind of great.
I'm a traveler and a writer too, let me know if you find yourself in DC, we can have a beer.
word. just…yeah.
Beautiful. Every 20-something should read this. The daily gratitude thing is the best thing I've done to inch away from the crazy ledge.
nicole you are amazing. just so you know that. and seriously don't compare yourself to others, if anything other people will be comparing themselves to your crazy life and how much they just want to up and do stuff like you do. you've done more in 24 years than most people do their entire lives so don't forget that.
um and i would like some mac and cheese now please
After turning 24 earlier this year, I've also been dealing with the struggle of the "I'm almost 25, where the hell am I going in life" issue. I'm still working on my BA, still single, and still haven't done a lot of the things I want to experience in life.
However, I've learned that in order to survive the Quarter Life Crisis, you have to stop comparing yourself to everyone else, especially friends your age who you may have gone to high school or college with. Everyone experiences and hits certain milestones in their lives at different times, and that's okay. If you try to live your life with timelines and deadlines, it will only cause frustrations if/when you don't meet them.
Great post. Thanks for writing it because I'm sure we all can relate.
i love you! So relate to this. while i dont know the behindthescenes, it defintely seems to me that you've done a pretty good job in 24 years. i admire you
So awesome and so true. I remember my quarter life crisis which lasted for about 5 months until I put my "man pants" on and did something about my shitty situation.
The whole “stop comparing your life to others” really strikes a chord with me. I’m trying to handle it better because it only causes self-pity and self-deprecation. And who needs that?
(But, GAH IT’S SO HARD NOT TO)
Nicole, you are so AMAZING and inspirational and will kick major ass in whatever path you end up going down.
Well done. I hit my QL crisis around 23, it sucked. I guess I'm past it, some days at least.
You're going to do great things.
I had a quarter-life crisis when I was 23. I was one year out of school, living in a tiny apartment with B, and I was barely making ends meet. I hated my job. The people I chose to spend my free time with were negative and made me feel negative. I was miserable. Then I moved, reconnected with old friends, and bought myself a dog. Things got much better.
Now I'm 26 and having another, but this one is more about my job/career path. And I'm not feeling so angry. Instead I'm feeling motivated. To do things. Change things. Try things. I am going to post about it today.
All of this is to say – you will find your way. Then you'll stumble. You'll re-evaluate. You'll be okay. Keep holding on with those thumbs, then gradually add more fingers to grasp and pull yourself back in. There's a lot out there to keep moving forward towards. I agree with Susan above. You're going to do great things!
Yes… absolutely yes! But I doubt it'll be all better and figured out by 25. For some reason… I'm thinking it will be much the same and this crazy roller coaster won't be over for quite some time. Well written, beautifully stated synopsis of my panic attack-life. Glad I'm not alone, and I'm sorry you're going through it…. all at the same time!
it's crazy to me that you feel this way because you are one of the people i consistently look at in my own non-conformed life and think "if she can do it, i can." but we all deal with crazy uncertainty and overwhelming comparisons of these friends and those people over there who are doing everything better than we are. no. you're right. we've all got to stop comparing, kick our asses in gear, and fail if we have to but at least be able to tell ourselves we fought hard for what we wanted.
wonderful post.
I really liked your blog post and just stumbled upon your blog today. Great stuff!
Keep up the great writing!
Cheers,
Dayne
TheHappySelf.com
I always tell people leave doughnuts on the ledge you need to talk yourself off of. Something to munch on while you're going crazy.
Nicole –
It has been a bit of a feeling out process for me to find "my voice" through my blog posts but I just came across your blog and you seem to display your voice with ease. Your personality really shines through – from humor, to sadness, to strength, to indifference….and everything in between. I have to say this is one of the coolest posts I've come across lately. Looking forward to more…
Paul
Funny. Entertaining. True. Great post and can thoroughly relate to.
Dave
LifeExcursion
Yes, yes, yes. Love this, and it hits the nail on the head. Freaking amazing post. xoxo
This entry hits the nail on the head…I've been straight panicking the last two weeks because I've been comparing my life to others..To people I don't even know! I've been feeling like such a failure at life and I've been worrying that I'll never amount to anything. And I'm only 19. I needed this entry! It's inspiring and comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has panicked (no one I know has ever panicked about this, at least not to me) and that everything passes. Thank you so much!!
Great post! And so "Marley & me". Have you seen this movie? If not, watch it!
Then you know why.
I follow your friend @jamielovely on twitter and she tweeted your name…and now I'm here. Really need to read this today. Love your story and your new outlook.
I love you so fucking much right now. You are amazing, and you HAVE to know that.
Oh yeah, and please come back to CA? Eventually? I miss you and our random dinners and wine fests.
Good Lord I needed to hear this. Thanks! Now to start on that personal mission statement . . .
Awesome vivid picture of what it's like to be in your twenties in this crazy world. love your writing style.
You are beautiful and amazing and inspiring and unique and please, please don't ever forget that.
I think our generation of women is one of the first to experience the quarter life crisis on such a wide scale. Think about it – never before have women had so many options before them. So even when my head gets all crazy and messed up and screwy and I start wondering what the hell my plan is, I remember that I'm lucky to have choices, because lots of women don't. And sometimes that helps.
i think you have one find damn ass already
Love it.
I concur.
This post is so perfectly written and so incredibly REAL. Thank you for this…because I'm kind of drinking it all in right now and realizing how my life definitely has bits and pieces of the same things you wrote about.
And it's all a part of the journey, my friend. The beautiful, wonderful, crazy-pants journey.
This post was amazing. I understand the graduating feeling, I'm going through it right now. I love your writing style. I still can't stop comparing myself to those who have jobs and are successful around me.
It's great to know that I (we) am (are) not alone. I can relate to so much of what you said here and I like to keep hopeful that this slippery QLC mess will end as it is meant to. I am glad you are documenting and sharing all of your struggles and triumphs with the rest off us on the crazy ledge.
Thanks for this. Very inspirational. I needed it especially today – I too just (eight hours ago) moved back in with my parents and am realizing that all I want to do is travel, dance and write about it… you make ma believe that I actually can!
This is amazing
Thanks for writing this
Your blog rocks, and your writing very unique. I believe that almost every 20 something can relate to your world in some capacity. QLC is tough stuff, but I believe these challenges will only create a better 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90? something. Someday, someway. THANK YOU
THANK YOU!!!!
Reading this helped me so much….it good to remember that your not the ONLY one going through this
my dear….you nailed it…and I thank you for that
this is my life lol
Wow, just vowed to be nicer to myself…the rest is implied…except the personal mission statement. That means I have to figure out who I am. I gave up on that one. And yes traveling an writing seems like all I want to do.
You're a strong writer. I could have commented on any number of posts in this blog. But this is compelling because everyone goes through this and it doesn't stop. It's part of the human condition. Even the wealthiest and most celebrated figures in history questioned what their purpose was and what their legacy would be. Ultimately, you just have to embrace all of those worries and concerns, because they can help drive you to be a better professional and a better person. Take care.
This is amazing. I have to agree with everyone else here and say that you’re a damn fine writer.
Thanks for sharing.
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