Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with what it means to be a woman. I lay awake at night and I think, “How did I get here?” I ask myself if this is what it feels like to be a real adult. I wonder if there are other women, in other beds, unable to sleep, questioning the relationship between their past, present, and future. Women who are teetering while trying to fill the four inch stilettos of their heroes and role models.
Here’s what being a woman has been for me:
Move from England to Southern California. Start high school. Stare open mouthed at all the blonde, all the skinny, all the tan, all the designer clothing. Wish desperately for invisibility. Wander aimlessly and shyly through freshman and sophomore year. Give up on trying to fit in. Put all your energy into academic success. Focus madly on applying to NYU. Get in. Plan your escape from superficiality.
Settle into your dorm. Wonder how the hell you got out of California without a raging eating disorder and full blown skin cancer. Tell yourself that this is college, and that you can be whoever you want to be. Decide to be sexy and adventurous. Start wearing heels. Fall blindly into a life of excess. Too much drinking. Too much studying. Too many late nights. Too many guys whose names you don’t remember and whose tongues you wish you could forget.
Share your living space for the first time. Think having roommates will be fun after a lifetime of being an only child. Forget to set boundaries. Try to navigate the complexities of the female friendship. Get jealous of each other. Choose passive aggressive behavior over communication. Lash out. Repeat.
Fall into an intense relationship. Forget to set boundaries, again. Lose yourself in his identity. Forgo your own achievements to help him reach his. Break up. Work out. Obsess about your body in the absence of anything else to control. Count calories. Have rebound flings. Repeat.
Put yourself back together. Wonder why you aren’t more competitive, why everyone around you seems to pulse with the fierce drive for success while you’re content to bake and clean your boyfriend’s apartment.
Write a 20 page research paper comparing past issues of Good Housekeeping magazine, from the 1950s, to those of today. Try to define modern womanhood. Hate yourself for wishing, just a tiny bit, that we didn’t have quite so many options in front of us, because trying to be everything to everyone is just exhausting.
Totally lose your shit. Decide to graduate early. Sign up for as many classes as they’ll let you take, plus an extra one that you talked your way into. Ponder how persuasive you can be when you try. Think about all the people you’ve manipulated. Feel disgusting. Graduate, with honors. Realize that the only two things that have ever really defined you are sex and academic achievement.
Land a job running a summer day camp. Think you’ll be good at it because it’s a position of power and leadership. Wonder instead if you should be focusing on the fact that it’s a position working with children. Aren’t women supposed to be drawn to kids?
Spend 5 years in charge of the camp. Play it fast and loose with your sexuality, flirting to get your point across, feeling high whenever someone new is attracted to you. Sleep with your superior. Sleep with your subordinate. Realize too late that mixing sex with work weakens your authority and destroys your credibility. Decide to stop using sex as a weapon, because doing so only hurts every single person involved.
Keep your legs closed. Wonder if it’s realistically possible to be both successful and in love. Hold everyone at arms length, especially other women. Isolate yourself in an attempt to not feel everything so damn hard. Walk the extremely thin line between trying to be strong and trying not to be a bitch.
Start blogging. Read other people’s blogs. Find women who are shining examples of what it means to live intensely with great passion, raw intellect, and wild abandon. Sit, awestruck, and wonder how you’ll ever keep up.
Spend two months traveling around the country. Meet new people everyday. Pursue adventure and newness. Get bored. Go somewhere else, with someone else. Realize how easy it would be to just keep traveling, reinventing yourself over and over. Continue on without any day to day structure and a nonexistent life plan. Have a truly crushing anxiety attack about the fact that you feel wholly unproductive as a person. Berate yourself for not accomplishing more, for not being on a shiny path to something incredible. Feel like you’re failing as a woman.
Read more blogs. Find people whose ideas make your mind scream in ecstasy. Almost fall on the floor when they seem to feel the same way about you. Grow stronger. Finally cut the people who are bringing you down out of your life. Set boundaries. Fall for new guys. Slip. Lose sight of the boundaries again. Stop yourself. Step back. Reevaluate. Listen closely when a friend says that not every guy is worth breaking your heart over.
Struggle with the fact that you genuinely love taking care of other people, because it feels like a weakness. Do you have to be selfish to be successful? Admit the truth: that you desperately need to find a balance between wanting to nurture others and needing to take care of yourself. Realize that the only way to do this is to settle down a little bit, to move somewhere, to put care and compassion into building the life you want for yourself. Feel apprehensive and fearful about having to do it all from scratch.
Lay awake one night and finally come to terms with the fact that being a woman isn’t about being everything to everyone. It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more.
{ 81 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this. I lay awake at night and think, "how'd I get here, where am I going and what am I doing?" I'm one of those people who love your ideas and this one is amazing. I hope you get a chance to be whatever you want to be. You're already unstoppable and I want to follow in your footsteps
Girl, let me tell you this: you rock.
you go girlfriend lol
I stumbled on your blog recently and I love how you think. I guess in my 20s I thought about who I really am and how did I become such. Now, in my 30s, I think more about what next
. You are doing great Nicole
I often feel your blog is like travelling back in time. Since I'm in my thirties, your writing brings me back to the uncertainty the twenties bring. You are well on your way to one day being the blogger that future Nicoles will be in awe of.
whether you see it or not, you are a truly inspiring and wonderful woman, and i hope this move to San Francisco is everything you want. Just remember: Your 20s are an endless roller coaster ride, and every single one of us is on it with you — even if it is in our separate rooms alone at night.
"Lay awake one night and finally come to terms with the fact that being a woman isn’t about being everything to everyone. It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more."
Best line you've ever written. Ever.
there aren't enough words in this language to adequately explain how much I agree with this.
Your 20's are such a turbulent time. You're trying to figure out who you want to be and how to be it, and I think only the lucky ones get it figured out early! It's easy to feel like you're failing, but when you get to the end-ish of the turbulence, you'll look back and be amazed at what you've done and how you've ended up where you are. You are doing an amazing, incredible, jealousy worthy job of becoming a woman, and totally not failing! It's a rough road to figuring out what makes you tick, but when you get there, oh, do things ever fall into place
those last two sentences? they say it all. you're amazing and i adore your face off.
You are my hero Nicole, you've done so much in the last few years you have so much to be proud of. The courage you contain is inspiring. You've taken big leaps where most of us have just taken baby steps, and because of that I have no doubt you'll achieve anything and everything you set your mind to. Best of luck with the upcoming interview. I know you'll rock it!
so incredibly very true. But our 20's are all about mistakes. Those embarassing, bite our tongues til they bleed, mistakes that hurt us, make us laugh in retrospect but mostly…the ones we learn from.
Those last sentences? Define everything – not just about being a woman, but about being a woman in your 20's.
You = fabulous 
Oh, Nicole. I’ve missed you. That is all.
This is amazing. I want to print this out, and carry it with me so that I can pull it out and remind myself that it's okay to make mistakes and to choose a path because I want it, not because someone says that's what I have to do. You're so right — it's not about being everything to everyone. Bravo, girl!
Hoo girl, I'm right there with you on finding the balance between nurturing others and taking care of yourself. It is a battle I fight everyday, that many of us fight. Your ability to put into words what so many of us are going through is truly inspirational
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Hi. I'm a new reader and I honestly have no idea how I even came across your blog. But what I've read so far has got me hooked, kind of in that way you described falling for other bloggers in this post. I think we all struggle with these thoughts, pressures, anxieties… the list is long, as you well know. I think you're taking a step in the right direction by actually getting out there and going places to try and find your place. I can really relate to all of this and while I usually don't comment on anyone's posts much, this one made me feel like reaching out.
I think every woman struggles with this, but what I think is amazing is your ability to take a step back and look at where you've come from and where you're going. I really believe in evolving throughout life and I feel like as long as you (meaning me) stay aware and open then it'll all be worth it.
I’m 41 and I haven’t answered this question right yet. I think the way to being a woman is learning who you are and what you want to be – when you really find that bliss & that passion. You’ve only got to implement it and that is sometimes just as hard as figuring it out.
Between you and me – I think a lot of them are faking it.
Dijea, They fake it till they make it. How else are they gonna get any practice and try out new things?
P.S. I’m 4o now, and so glad I’m no longer in my twenties. It was fun, it was a nightmare, it was a roller coaster. Now I prefer rolling on the Big Waves of live. Much less jerky
Thanks for writing this. I love the very last line. Amen, sister!!
Love it.
Fantastic. It's already been a hell of an adventure. Some good, some bad but always interesting. You couldn't stop being interesting if you tried. You're just that kind of woman.
Also it is my goal to someday quote "playing it fast and loose with my sexuality"
And my blog crush on you is now official.
"Admit the truth: that you desperately need to find a balance between wanting to nurture others and needing to take care of yourself." – I feel the exact same way.
So many zinging lines in here, I want to quote at least 10 of them right now. Always walking that oh so fine line between settling in (to life, to my own skin, to my circle of right people) and just settling.
YES. YES. YES. This is one of those entries that I want every woman to read. This? Right here: “being a woman isn’t about being everything to everyone. It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more.” I adore you.
P.S. EMAIL ME ABOUT HANGING OUT, lest I resort to trolling the streets of SF LOOKING FOR YOU…
"Admit the truth: that you desperately need to find a balance between wanting to nurture others and needing to take care of yourself."
Took the words right out of my head.
I want to be a mom. Not now, but after I get married, I want to be a wife and a mother. I have no real career drive…but I'm always scared of letting people know that because they will judge me for not wanting more.
Brilliant! I especially looove the first part about CA- SPOT ON and exactly how I feel!!!
I love this line: "It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more."
And I completely feel that way, too.
I have a hard time with definitions. Where are the boundaries? Who has the authority to say what being a _______ (fill in the blank) really is? We have role models, we go through experience, we hurt, we cry, we laugh and we're happy. Probably all of that is what it means to be alive. I think what's most important is figuring out you (me) etc. You always have you. Is that makes sense
beautifully expressed. "It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more"
This is human nature. When everything that we call as "myself" (mind, body, spirit) is pointed in one direction, it is our nature to go there–unstoppably. This is not a grind or a hustle, it is a feeling of release, of floating towards wherever it is we have decided to go.
Didn't realize you we're English, you seem so, American
The problem is that if you approach identity with labels such as being a "real woman" or a "real man," the criteria for either are far too rigid to allow for how messy we really are. Human beings are complicated and confusing animals. Self-reflection is important, so is confidence, but trying to fit an ideal is always like playing with fire.
Sooner or later, someone throws gasoline on it and the goddamn forest is suddenly GONE.
It's like you knew I needed to hear this today. I'm simultaneously SO excited and SO… anxious about moving across the country soon. Leaving what's been home for over a decade screws with my identity, a lot. Starting new adventures, relationships, career paths, it's all awesome and exciting, but it's UPSIDE DOWN from everything stable I have ever known.
I'm printing out those last two sentences to keep with me. And you know… calling you almost daily
If you were here to high-five, this would be the part where I'd do it. And then we'd have some margaritas.
Wonderful. Many women, myself included can identify with this post. Thank you for sharing.
I'm not a woman, but having met The NicoleIsBetter, I can say you're quite a long way from the darling and confused version of a few years back.
I love this post.
completely agree with To Kiss the Cook. You couldn't stop being interesting even if you tried. You are the very definition of fearless.
i think i say this to all of your posts, but i love this. and i think i ask myself that question daily, how to be a woman and how will i ever get there? eventhough i'm engaged i don't feel that adultlike, just playing dress up to the part or something. but i think the fact that we have so much support behind us will definitely help us get there somehow.
You are wonderful, you know that right? You're strong and smart and have the passion to do great things (whether they fit in with the traditional roles of women or not).
This is a fabulous post. Sometimes it's important to look back at our own patterns and experiences to determine what we've become and where we need to go from here.
Ok, so this is one of my favorite blog posts ever! I just discovered your blog via Jamie Varon's. Great post!
Wow.
It's awesome that you can analyze yourself through out the years. It takes a lot of strength to do that. I'm not there yet but your post gives me hope for the future.
Beautifully put, but I wouldn't expect any less of you. Being a woman is about the balance of life, but most importantly, it's about the journey it takes you on. You're living out dreams that others would never be courageous to pursue. And that is an AMAZING thing.
"Find women who are shining examples of what it means to live intensely with great passion, raw intellect, and wild abandon. Sit, awestruck, and wonder how you’ll ever keep up." This is YOU.
That last paragraph… I'm still trying to be that.
I kind of loved this. And by kind of, I mean i starred it as soon as I finished reading it in Google Reader. Would you mind if I used it as a springboard for a post of my own (about being a man) as long as I link back here?
this was beautiful.
and very empowering.
This post? Amazing. Seriously.
Brilliant.
beautifully said…
You just wrote the first act of a fascinating coming-of-age story, complete with twists, lessons learned and the constantly developing character of our heroine. Can't wait to see what she does next!
Last paragraph is so true *smile*
Awesome post. I had no idea you moved from England to north America too – I moved right at the beginning of high school and it was the bigegst culture shock of my life. And I've found myself questioning the same sort of thing recently – it still FEELS funny when someone refers to me as a "woman" – I don't remember a defining moment where I made the transition but to me, I still feel the same old girl I've always been, but then I realise I'm in my mid-twenties and just find myself wondering – did I miss something? lol
So beautiful!! I can't wait to hear how this plays out for you in more practical "I'll be living here for a while" terms. And I cannot picture you cleaning anyone's apartment, the whole Good Housekeeping thing is so interesting to me!
You're an enigma, and I love it. I'm glad you're figuring this out.
i just stumbled upon your blog & i LOVE it SO much!!! i may or may not have have just read your last three months of posts… LOL.
um, well that's all! carry on. lol.
<3
Perfect Perfect Post!!! I understand and feel the same way! So good to hear all this and know other people go through it all too! Thanks!
This?
"Hate yourself for wishing, just a tiny bit, that we didn’t have quite so many options in front of us, because trying to be everything to everyone is just exhausting."
I love this.
I feel this way often.
I like to be able to do a lot of things and do it well but sometimes it's just so much, so I'll let one thing slip and then kick myself for letting it slip. Or wonder what would have happened if I hadn't. I'm all for women's rights but sometimes I wonder if we knew what we were getting ourselves into?
Beautiful post on the whole, as usual.
I identify with a lot of it. Goosebumps, smiles and tears are always a sign of a well written post.
I love your style of writing.
You've been added to my blogroll.
thank you.
I love to read about you and your life, and I really admire your courage and strength. I know that there's much to be learned from you. Thank you for sharing your stories.
F YES. Thank you for this. well said.
thanks for writing down everything i've been feeling for years i laughed at how spot on things you feel/think/want are so parallel to my life. it feels nice and your blog is an outlet that I reach for when I feel fed up with my mess of a life.
and you make me laugh!
You ARE unstoppable and you DO do whatever you want and right now I hope that you get a real amazing job in San Fran and we can compare our real adult lives together since I just got a real job for the first time in LA. And we can visit each other when we get sick of the weather in our own cities. And we can be in love. And we can jump around! And we can be happy.
Well said!!!!! and amen to that! Write a book please!
I had to read this again because the part about feeling unproductive during a two month nomadic oddysey struck a chord in me. The last time I as unemployed for a long period, I didn't have any financial obligations but I also felt I wasn't doing much and it took its toll on my self-esteem. I guess I just needed structure and I also realized that I'm the kind of person that always needs to be doing something. I guess if I ever attempt a nomadic journey such as yours I should make sure there's a lot of meaningful things to do through it like maybe charity work. I'm a bit sad to see that your journey may end so soon, but I know that you at least found your answers about yourself quickly and now the rest of life is the journey.
I love you- this post is awesome. Thank you so much for making me feel understood.
Hmmmm….fell upon your blog via The Bloggess. You're every bit as good as the best of them (bloggers, that is). Your writing is very engaging and entertaining. I'm quite a bit older than you and so I'll add this. Examination of one's life is never ending, as it should always be. As you move through life and the seasons change, so will you. The search is never ending.
Holy Crap…Wow. Thank you. That kinda seems pathetic to say…so simple a phrase in comparison to how grateful I am that you wrote this and I read it. I haven't read any of the other comments yet…doing so would have only scared me away from leaving one of my own. Leaving comments is a lot of pressure to be witty/intelligent and this post has left me in a state of awe and I'm unable to think of anything to say. Other than Thank You.
(came by way of theBloggess…will definately be sticking around from now on and will now spend a good deal of time reading through the archives.)
This is so great. Just, yes.
One of the greatest things I've found with blogging and exploring new blogs are reading the INCREDIBLE things AMAZING people have to write.
So honest, and so very brave. It's a massive cliche, but it's made you the person you are today, you're stronger for it, and now you're pretty awesome at least from the sounds of it
This was an awesome post, though I think you told me more what it means to be Nicole than to be a woman, but hey, who's counting.
Oh, crap. Now I read this one, after your post about the peach pit?
I'm crying.
Thanks for this post. I'm SO glad Jenny the Bloggess posted about you so that I could wander over here. Love your stuff.
this post reminds me of the book Colonize This! by rehman and hernandez. take a look at it, its about women and their feminisms and how they chose it
you are awesome, we almost on the same page!
and, a THANK YOU!!
Nicole definitely IS better!
I'm pretty sure we should make out now.
This is ridiculous. You are an amazing person, Nicole. I found your blog when I was randomly searching Google on "how to deal with heartbreak." I've been reading your entire blog ever since. It's funny, sometimes you just get that feeling of optimism when you read something. That's what I get when I read your work. You're incredible, and you actually make me think about so many different things that my mind wasn't open to before. For the sake of all of these people, please continue doing what you do best.
A very inspirational post, I think it’s so great that you can be so truthful and so strong.
Thank you for this, because I am going throught the same thing right now about the whole “falling for new guys” and “slipping up on boundries” Plus trying to figure out were in the hell I wanna go in my life. Some days it so confusing you know!! Your a great write
This is. It just is. I love how you’ve summed it up. I love how I can relate to so much of it but have never been able to write it as well as you.
“It’s simply about being whatever you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more.” You are so right! I am finally starting to realize this in my own life.
Thanks for this.
Finding your blog and loving it. So many comments before mine say the things I am thinking after reading this. Still searching, but glad I’m not alone in defining what I am and what I want to be as a woman. Thank you!
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