Last week, I officially became one of those people who starts sentences with “well, my therapist says…”
Which is as disturbing as it is hilarious.
In my most recent session, I’m pretty sure I had what the movies glamorize as “a breakthrough.” You know, when you’re sitting in therapy and something profound gets said that literally shakes your beliefs at their deepest root, and you subsequently explode into tears? That kind of breakthrough. Yep, I had one.
The topic of discussion was money, well, financial management in general. And in the midst of explaining how stressed out I am about my student loan debt, I mentioned that I had just lent some money to my parents.
Therapist stopped me and said, “Wait, you’re loaning money to your parents and you’re not sure if you can make your student loan payment this month?”
“Well no, I know I can pay it, it will just be a little bit more difficult,” I answered defensively.
“Why are you lending your parents money?” she asked. Simple, straightforward. I got even more defensive.
“Because they really need it,” I said.
“You really need it,” she responded. “Why are you lending them money you can’t afford to lend?”
“I mean, I can sort of afford it. And they’re my parents, they’ve sacrificed everything for me. I obviously have to help them however I can.”
“No,” she said.
“What?”
“No. They didn’t sacrifice anything for you. Don’t feel guilty.”
“What? Of course they did, I was always their first priority, they always did everything they could so I would have everything I needed and more,” I said, my voice shaking with emotion.
“You didn’t choose to be born,” she gently pointed out, “they brought you into this world, all of those things you think are sacrifices? That was their job as parents. A job that a lot of people don’t take seriously enough. They gave you life, and everything they did for you after that was a requirement, not a sacrifice, not something you can feel guilty about. You can say you want to lend them money because you love them and want to help them out, but you can’t let yourself think you owe them anything, because you don’t. They chose to be parents, you don’t owe them a single thing.”
And then the explosion of tears happened.
Because my God, I’ve never heard anyone put parenting in that context before. What was this crazy notion of loving and respecting your parents, but not feeling like you’re indebted to them for the wonderful job they did raising you? Isn’t that how everyone feels on some level??
“I hit a nerve,” she said softly.
Well, yeah.
“It’s honestly a bigger problem then you’d think,” she said. “People who were raised properly, with love and kindess, like you were, feel like they owe their parents something in return. Just because their parents actually fulfilled the job of parenthood, a job that unfortunately, a lot of parents probably shouldn’t have gotten into in the first place.”
“There should be some kind of required parenting class,” I joked through my epiphany-induced tears.
“Seriously,” she said. “A woman needs a license to be a wife, but doesn’t need a single thing to be a mother. I mean, what is that about?”
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Now if I could only accept that and not feel guilty.
Case in point… crazy single and without an income mother with 14 children.
Nicole. This. Post. Is. Awesome. Not only does it seem like you've found a GOOD therapist (which is rare and wonderful when it actually happens), it seems like you have real potential to understand yourself and where your thoughts/feelings come from so that, one day, you can actually move forward from them and their potential to hold you back. I get this all so much, I cannot even begin to tell you. Therapy can be life-changing and magical. It can be so powerful. It can also be so frightening. All of the things we learn in life can be uprooted and reevaluated. It's truly amazing. And it really can help us grow as individuals.
I've struggled, so much, with my relationship towards my parents — how I understand them and how they raised me, how I feel about them and the decisions they made in their lives. It's all so huge. I congratulate you for getting started with all of this! And I admire where you're headed!!!
Like Tristan, I've struggled with my relationship towards my parents for most of my life. It always made me angry when they say they're the only people I owe anything to because quite frankly, neither of them raised me. But that's another topic for another day.
I'm excited for you darlin' and I hope you continue to have productive sessions.
I don't think I see how something can't be both a "job" and a sacrifice. I mean, think of it literally Nicole: when you run your camp, when you were opening KK, did you not also give up all kinds of things? Time, sleep, sanity, etc… yeah, you chose to do it; does that mean it shouldn't be appreciated? If someone thanked you for it, would you shake them off and say "No, it's my job" or would you smile and take some gratitude?
If someone chooses to spend their life doing good for people, do we say "hey that's great and all, but you chose to do it, so I'm not going to donate my time or my money or even recognize your work" or do we sit and marvel at their selflessness and sacrifice and ask how we can help?
I don't mean this as a knock against her advice, necessarily, or even as a tribute to parenting, but just as a dissenting view to the idea that when you choose to do something, it ceases to be worth anything to others.
But as perhaps one parting shot directly at her, the idea that parenting is not a sacrifice is utterly ridiculous. It doesn't have to be seen as a debt to be repaid, but to write it off as just a job is, frankly, just as sad as those parents who don't even take it as such.
Parenting isn't a job in the same way that being an accountant is a job, and it isn't "just a job"- I clearly never said that. It's a job in that deciding to do it carries with it some definitive responsibilities, and that since these responsibilities are things that MUST be done to be a good parent, they're not sacrifices. No one, particularly not your child, asks you to do these things, they're just the things that need to and should be done if you choose to take on the responsibility of being a parent.
When you're hired for a job, there are performance bench marks you need to reach and tasks you must accomplish in order to a) keep the job, and b) have any sort of success with it. Same goes for parenting. People often act like everything they've done in the name of good parenting deserves some sort of special recognition, or that they're owed something by their children. But they're not. What they get in exchange for being a great parent is having a great kid who loves and appreciates them, but that doesn't mean their child should feel obligated to make sacrifices in return out of guilt or gratitude.
I think you missed the big picture of what this post is saying.
I think you've emphasized the wrong word – it's not things that MUST be done to be a good parent; it's things that must be done to be a GOOD parent.
There is nothing that MUST be done to be a parent other than having sex and/or carrying to term. Every important sociological study of the last decade on things like success and development of children says that, despite the superficial relationship with class, it's that wealthier families have the time and means to be involved with their children, to understand them and nurture their interests and teach them responsibilities. Wealthier parents have this time and these means in more abundance, but that doesn't mean they are the only ones who take up this charge; indeed, it is those who have to sacrifice that time and those means who produce children best capable of reaching the famed "better life than I had." Being a GOOD parent is very much a sacrifice. Just ask the millions of kids who don't have one, much less two.
I think it's rather self-serving to say "People often act like everything they've done in the name of good parenting deserves some sort of special recognition, or that they're owed something by their children." Think about how many people you honestly believe that applies to, and think about how many people could stand to do a little more "in the name of good parenting." If you can honestly tell me you think there are more of the former, that they are the ones who we should most link with the definition of 'parent,' well then I say you either need a little more perspective or a little less determination to make sure this new-found breakthrough is actually based on truth.
Everything you say in this comment and the one below, about "appreciation" and being "grateful" belies your initial post. It may not make for as dramatic a session (or as good a post), but it seems to me you never gave your parents money out of obligation or guilt. If they hadn't done shit for you, you wouldn't be doing it simply out of their role as your parents. You're doing it because you love them and want to help them in some small way, and you feel that way because they were (here we go) GOOD parents. And as I've said before, and for the sake of effort will state that I am unflinching in my belief, being a GOOD parent is very much, almost by definition, a sacrifice.
If there is a big picture to this post, I see it as this: if a girl grows up and, even while herself facing difficulties, is instinctively compelled to help her parents with money, it shows the end product of parentage worthy of such an amazing gesture. Parents like that, and children like that, are very much the exception to the rule. That means that either your parents are indeed just doing the job of parenting while most people are bad parents; or most people are parents and yours are good. I tend to define groups by the majority, and thus rather than seeing this "big picture" as a denouncement of most parents, I think it's further reason to applaud these exceptions. Not because they act like they deserve it, but because they don't.
Amen on the license to have children. Personally, I think a minimum IQ should be required.
As for your therapist's POV – I agree and disagree. She's right (and you are too) in that being a good parent is not the same as making sacrafices and that a child shouldn't feel obligated to make sacrifices in their own life as compensation for that good parenting.
However. As children who are reared by good parents, we should WANT to help them when they need it. Not out of sense of obligation, but (in my opinion) out of a sense of pride. I believe that family (whether chosen or by birth) is most important. But only after you take care of yourself first. Which I think it was you're saying.
Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself above all others. Because if you're not in a good place, then you're really not going to be of any help to anyone. Obligations or none.
First off let me say that I have been saying that people should have to pass a course and get a liscense to have children for years! My favorite is when I run into a man that states proudly that he pays his child support thinking he deserves some kind of medal for doing what he is supposed to do.
I tend to help my parents out when they need it too, even if that means I might be a little short or have to do without. Fact of the matter is they are family and I love them dearly and I know that there have been times in my mother's life when she did without so that I didn't have to. Whether that is something she was supposed to do or not I truely appreciate it and in the circle of life they take care of us and then we take care of them.
This is SO RIGHT. This is the lesson I wish Torsten's parents would learn. They CHOSE to have a child, and you don't have a kid so that you can have someone who will spend the rest of his life feeling grateful for your sacrifices. Parenting involves sacrifices in that you have to set your own feelings and needs aside sometimes, but that's what the other relationships in your life are for. Not that you can't have a great relationship with your kid that starts to level out as they get older, but children do not owe their parents any sort of return sacrifices for raising them right.
Years ago, I had a moment similar to that when my counselor clearly explained that my parents weren't ALWAYS right about everything.
I was like. Wait. What? Who are you? And can I keep you in my pocket always?
Exactly. I help my parents because I want to, because I love them, because I feel grateful for the way they raised me. My therapist simply pointed out that the way I was talking about it (and the way a lot of people think and talk about it) is flawed. Which opened my eyes like crazy.
That is crazy times because I too have never thought about parenting that way. But…SO TRUE.
amen, sista.
Wow – that really IS a breakthrough. I'd never thought of parenting that way.
I'm not a therapist, so I'm probably talking out of my ass, but I do think, however, there needs to be a balance. Because they are still your parents and regardless if you asked to be born or not, they did sacrifice a lot. Yes, it was their job, but I think family ties are important. On the other hand, however, they should understand that you, as an adult, need to make it on your own also. And if that means not being able to afford to carry both you and them, then they should understand that. I've had to explain this to my sister just this month.
In either case, your therapist sounds amazing!
Nicole, I'm so glad you had this breakthrough!! Your therapist is so right in how you view the context and syntax of what's happening in the relationship with your parents. People who "sacrifice" something for you or "make choices because of you" should do so without *expecting* anything in return. Because they raised you to be polite and kind and caring, you will do what you can for them, but that sense of obligation you feel is distorted.
That being said, there are people out there who do things expecting something in return, and we can't change that. We just have to figure out a way to deal with those people.
My husband and I joke that we're nice to Claire (our 3-yr old) so that she'll pick a good home for us when we're old, but we're kidding.
I really hope she understands that the choices and "sacrifices" we've made for her do not come with any strings attached.
My Dad's parenting tactic has always been to raise us so we don't need him anymore – in the nicest way you can say that. My mom's has been to hold onto us as much as possible, while exercising a similar Death Grip (based on guilt & what's "owed" to her) on everyone in her life.
It's a really hard moment of realization to have, but I'm right there with you.
Bravo mademoiselle, another well-written, thought-provoking post! I would say there are no easy answers. It would all come to making difficult decisions. I find myself in a similar situation. It turned out that I was more in trouble of failing financially. I have had to make difficult choices but for the most part I learned I can live without a lot of things. One doesn’t really need cable TV. One doesn’t need long distance on a land line when I hardly make long distance calls. Why do I even need a land line when I have a cel? That’s about $100 a month right there. One doesn’t really need the high speed ISP…okay maybe you do, but definitely find the best price. I realize this doesn’t go with the “More is better” motto. What is life without “Flight of the Conchords”? The thing is it’s financially difficult for everyone right now and we need to help when we can and if we are the ones who need the help then that should be considered. It’s temporary and when it’s past we can do “more is better” and not feel guilty. Sometimes less is not bad.
i am totally in the belief that you should have to take a test to be a parent. think of how effed up people are and how every decision they makes has a consequence on another being, simply because they were born.
i feel lucky to have awesome parents, but i feel so sorry for those that dont, not out of sympathy really, but because they don't know how things should be. that parents SHOULD sacrifice for them, SHOULD think about them constantly. it baffles me the way some families work. the whole absence of discipline or that whole…love thing.
props to you for letting this get to you. because it totally should. growing up is hard. and its such a weird reality to see yourself on an equal field as an adult with your parents. it takes all the romantic ideas of "mom makes everything better" out of your head, instantaneously. did i spell that right?
Isn't it weird that parents come up in therapy when you don't mean them to and then you get all cry-y. God I love therapy. Trust me the tears will be wroth it in the end.
wow! what a good topic! I can see both sides of the argument and agree on both. Yes, a parent should be a good parent anyways, with or without praise from others. But there is nothing wrong with appreciating the fact that you had great parents instead of some crackhead.
My grandmother fought my parents for custody because they were bad parents and i thank god for her every day of my life. She didnt have to raise three more children after she had already raised her own kids, but she did. And doesn't that deserve a little praise?
Me and my parents have a good relationship now but that's because they have accepted their blame and are making it up to US for not doing their jobs like they should. and i dont feel bad about that at all.
your therapist is right. it is a parents JOB to provide a good home, food, warm clothes. a healthy environment to grow up in. but there's also nothing wrong with letting them now you appreciate the fact that they were good parents. but you can do that and not have to be financially inconvenienced.
"They chose to be parents, you don’t owe them a single thing.” Can I have this, please? Liberation, such sweet liberation.
No really, I see both sides, but I do agree with your therapist – there's a sense of gratitude and responsibility that so often does get taken to the extreme (heck, I come from Whacky World and I still struggle with this…I can't imagine!). Yay for the breakthrough!
And I'm with you on the license deal! You gotta get one to drive, get married, do any number of things…and yet you can pop out a kid to be completely at your mercy, just like that? Hmm. Okay, then.
Thanks for sharing. I think it has made a lot of people have a "lightbulb" moment!
So many people become parents without actually learning to be one. They just think they're supposed to just know – but then it leads to them making mistakes that could be avoided, like creating spoiled brats.
There's so many that a person can do to learn parenting; read, be humble enough to ask other parents; I don't know why people think it's supposed to be a natural talent.
I sure do agree with that last sentiment! I think too many people are like – yay! babies! fun! w/o thinking of what that really entails.
I wrote an argumentative paper once on introducing parental licences. It's amazing the research out there on the subject. While I don't necessarily agree or disagree with parents needing to be deemed fit to parent, it was an interesting paper to write.
As for parents, it's a hard, tough subject. While I don't ever feel I "Owe" my parents anything (besides the money I've borrowed from them) I do feel sometimes like I need/want to make them proud of me. Like Kyla Bea commented, both my parents have essentially "tried to work themselves out of a job" which i think is one of the best kinds of parents to be.
wow, i have definitely never heard it that way either and just wow. definitely hit a nerve for me there too. oy.
"You see things in color."
That was my "breakthrough" moment with my therapist in college. I had issues with my dad. Justifiable, grounded, good-reasons issues with my dad. I was trying to explain to my therapist how my dad and i NEVER could agree on anything, and I said "he just sees everything in black and white. I? I think I see the grey."
She paused, looked me square in the eye and said, "No, you do not. You see things in color."
OMG, i'm having such an epiphany, I might write my own post about this.
Did I just have a breakthrough about a breakthrough because of your breakthrough?
I totally <3 you.
Oh, sweetheart. This is fantastic. First, she sounds very, very good. And she is right, totally right. – they had you because they wanted you. And you don't owe them for that. Hugs to you.
I totally feel indebted to my Mom and would loan her money whenever she would need it but I know that's probably not healthy. I'll work on that in my own therapy sessions.
Found you via Sizzle. This is a great post, I love it, and I love you for your breakthrough. Breakthroughs are good.
Another well written and thought provoking post. This is why I find I can't stop reading this blog. I had something profound to say but it looks as if everyone has covered the range of emotions this topic entails. Kudos to you for reiterating the main point to those of us who may have missed it including myself.
Great post – sometime the truth can elecit such raw emotion…
I talk about the coversations I have with my "crazy lady" too. It's hard not to when you're having breakthrough like that or seeing things in such a new way.
Cant we make up a petition and make people sign it to so that attending classes before couples have kids, be made a law?! So those incapable of rasing a child have some kind of help or guidance, when their child is born?
I completely agree with your therapist. My boyfriend used to tell me this before, coz i have the exact same "indept" feeling about my mum, and most of the time it stops me from doing things she doesnt approve of.
I also believe that if such classes existed, my dad would fail miserably, and he would be banned from having a child at all, legally!
Wow. I constantly feel indebted to my parents, as though I owe it to them not to ask for anything and to quit foisting the burden of my being their child on them as soon as possible. I never considered myself the product of a job well done, a job they chose to take on in the first place…
…not that I'm going to quit feeling indebted. That's programmed.
Good luck with your student loans! I'm constantly crying over bank statements…money sucks when you don't have more than enough of it, which seems to be always…
I feel the same way about my parents, especially now that I am an 'adult.'
That's incredible how your therapist hit the nail on the head. And how many people that has touched by you simply writing it on here.
Thanks!
That really does put a lot of things into perspective.
That is a different way to look at it….
interesting.
what a fierce therapist! i likes it. but I still hold my mom up on a pedestal!
Never thought of it that way! I agree with the therapist, but I also still believe that my parents did sacrifice for me, and I can definitely understand your wanting to help your parents. I would probably feel the same way.
Umm yeah hi. Been saying you should have to apply for parenthood for years. Too many good kids gone to pot due to default parenthood. I love your therapist. You too.
PARENT SCHOOL! So so so necessary.
can i sign up for parent school since it's coming any day now??
i have an interesting therapy thing with my parents…for years, anytime i would talk about one or both of them in therapy, i would feel the need to preface anything i was going to say with "I love my parents" as though having an issue with them would negate the fact that I loved them. My therapist finally said to me, "You don't need to justify what you are about to say with telling me that you love them. It's not going to take away any of that love because you have a problem or an issue." I realized I do that in life – if I'm having an issue w/ a friend, I do the same thing…"I love her, but" – like one has ANYTHING to do with the other.
Therapy is amazing. Your therapist is right. Just like Suze Orman tells parents that paying for a child's college education is not as important as making sure that they can take care of themselves financially, you need to take care of you first.
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