There are few things in life that I trust in the wild and limitless way that I trust Google maps.
The map is all, “turn right” and I turn right and then it’s like, “go 0.5 more miles” and I go 0.5 more miles. Blind trust. Because I mean, when you have the sense of direction of a drunk squirrel there’s really no advantage in second guessing and getting cocky and winding up on the side of some sheep pasture in Bakersfield. At least I think I was in Bakersfield, but I don’t know because I wound up there directly following the 10 minute time span in which I stopped paying attention to Google maps and then once I got there, I didn’t have fucking reception on the side of said sheep pasture and totally lost my shit because when I needed it most, Google maps was inaccessible and isn’t that just the most ironic thing. Do you hear that Alanis Morissette, that’s irony. Or maybe it was just Google maps trying to teach me a lesson like how the heroin people make withdrawl so bad that um, why would you ever stop?
To recap: Google maps = heroin and me = more awesome than Alanis Morissette.
Anyway, my raging map addiction has been particularly stellar in this whole pick-up-and-move-to-a-new-city thing because while San Francisco is lovely and shiny and balls out awesome, I don’t have time to focus on directions since I have no idea where anything is and no idea how to get from the one or two places I do know to all of the other places I don’t know and there are too many tiny one way streets and I can’t parallel park and can’t figure out if I’m allowed to drive on all the weird train tracks and also, why the fuck is there no where to make a left turn??
All of this to say that I’m pretty up in Google’s shit lately, which has me worrying that maybe I’m too dependent on it and my biggest weakness (besides macaroni and cheese and boys who smell good and wear boxer briefs and can also make me laugh until I almost pee) is that I’m way too easy to kidnap because all someone would have to do is hack into my iPhone and fuck with my Google maps.
The map would be all, “Turn right on Bay Street and stop at the liquor store and do four shots of tequila and then make a left into that alley and after 377 feet climb into the back of that unmarked van and lay naked and covered in the provided tub of frosting and await further instructions.” And I would.
God. I shouldn’t even be writing this. Please disregard all of the above listed everything. And PLEASE DON’T KIDNAP ME. ESPECIALLY SINCE I JUST MOVED INTO THE CUTEST EVER APARTMENT AND AM NO LONGER HOMELESS AND WAIT IS IT STILL CALLED KIDNAPPING WHEN YOU’RE AN ADULT BECAUSE I COULD SAY ADULT NAPPING BUT THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO SLEEP.
Oh, and happy fucking new year.
Posted in: san francisco, wtf?!
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
Are you telling me their is a Google Maps app for iPhone?
Great.
Just what I needed.
ANOTHER thing to become dependent on.
Where's my beer?
OMG! That fucking submit comment button has it out for me!
DO YOU NOT SEE THE CLASSIC THEIR/THEY'RE/THERE THING I JUST DID?
Fuck.
Shit.
Damn.
How can you trust Google maps after we've gotten lost using it like 15 times? Or, what I mean to say is, we've taken many walking tours after using it 15 times?
Happy Fucking New Year!
How much MORE do you want that beer right now? Here's what we've learned, typing and Google maps = bad, beer = good. Rinse, repeat.
GPS is the same. Only the cute funny good smelling boy that is with you gets insulted because you trust the computer in your car more than you trust him. It's true, it was in my wedding vows. Sorry boys, machines rule (this applies in ALL ways)
The map would be all, “Turn right on Bay Street and stop at the liquor store and do four shots of tequila and then make a left into that alley and after 377 feet climb into the back of that unmarked van and lay naked and covered in the provided tub of frosting and await further instructions.” And I would.
How wrong is it that I actually read that and thought, "You know, that doesn't sound half fucking bad"? I mean, really wrong?
Or, really right?
I'm with Jamie…tequila AND frosting? I wonder if there's still time to pull off a similar spread for tonight's festivities.
i can't wait to come visit you. really.
Oh man, this kills me. I would basically be lost without my iPhone. Also boys in boxer briefs = hot as shit. Such a win.
Happy New Years!
Happy fucking new year, indeed! Love you!
Well at least when you get kidnapped there will be frosting to eat. Suggestion: edit those google directions to say "provided tub of RAINBOW CHIP frosting" because it is the best. And there are no left turns because then everyone behind you would hate you. Congrats on the apartment, I'll be looking for your face on a milk carton soon. Happy New Year!
omg! just the other day I was complaining because google maps told me to do a U turn on the freeway! the freeway of all places!!! haha wtf is that crap? and I would totally do whatever google maps told me to do, even if it had me laying in a van covered in frosting ha.<3
love it, have you seen this comic? http://www.xkcd.com/461/
I don't know how I survive without Google Maps. Or an iPhone, really. My parents GPS pisses me the eff off and I repeatedly yell at it. I almost hit someone while I was so busy yelling and I could just see the exchange that would have taken place. I'm sorry, Mr. Policeman, I didn't see the guy in the left lane because this stupid british GPS man was giving me the wrong directions and we needed to have WORDS.
Congrats on the new apartment! And happy fucking new year to you!
First time reader, first time commenter. I found your blog via the 20sb awards thingy and I now love you. Not in a creepy way, in a "I stumbled across your blog and it is pretty damn hilarious and.." okay..that didn't make it seem less creepy. Um..keep up the good work
Dammit! I'm not going to the deposit back on that van.
LOL When I was in Vancouver I literally walked around with my iPhone in front of me like it was a compass, or even better, a divining rod. Like if I held it just so, perfectly flat in front of me I would either find a well and I could drill for water, or I would get to my lunch date.
If I stalk you it'll only be so I can move in for a while, because it sounds like we're pretty much meant to be. Just throwing it out there!
I'm too busy with Zooey Deschanel to handle this too. So you're good for now.
omg! just the other day I was complaining because google maps told me to do a U turn on the freeway! the freeway of all places!!! haha wtf is that crap? and I would totally do whatever google maps told me to do, even if it had me laying in a van covered in frosting ha.<3
This is my first comment of the year/decade on anyone's blog! This is how much I've become dependent on you for laughs. Is that sad? You didn't disappoint, this is hilarious. I've lived in San Fran so I'm pretty versed in its little nooks and crannies. I specialize in knowing Golden Gate Park very well and the Ocean Beach/Richmond district area. Text me if you are ever lost there:)
I think you and Jamie moving in together is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. If that's the case – I'm going to like the post-apocalyptic world very much. Happy New Year Nicole! Next time you are in Chicago you better let me know!
I bet there are a lot of people now formulating plans to kidnap you just so you can entertain them with how damn funny you are. Congrats on your new apartment.
I think Google Maps is the shit…except in large cities where they do construction on roads for like 45 years (Houston) and shit changes constantly. But I still faithfully use it. And frosting. And I'm scared of kidnapper vans too. You know the kind with no windows…Just sayin'.
*plots dangerous kidnapping mision*
*plots dangerous kidnapping mission*
Chocolate or Vanilla frosting?
Haha, does it matter? As long as it's not liquorice flavour, Nicole in frosting is surely the way to start the new decade. What do we even call it? The Tens? The Tensies? I vote the latter.
Also, re: the kidnapping wonderment, I just thought of the Friends quote. Happy New Year back at ya!
—
Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
Monica: How was that possible?
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there?
Ha ha yes, please stay away from the Gunpoint district….
Congrats on the new apartment!!!! ANd please don't get kidnapped..I'd miss your blogging way too much!
Happy fucking new year to you too.
Yay for you! Happy new year, lovely Nicole!
My gps tells me to drive around the Chesapeake bay rather than over the conveniently placed BRIDGE. So I feel your pain.
By the way I want frosted Nicole for my birthday. March 24th.
I trust Google Maps to lead me down the right path more than I trust my own mother.
Dude, first of all, a very very happy new year. Secondly, omG NEW APARTMENT!!! Pictures, please?? This is gonna be soo exciting.
Third, I can't even explain someone the way to my own house. Not kidding. Not even a bit.
I nominated you for an award…stop by -a-
I have the worst sense of direction too. I get lost in the fucking grocery store. It's pathetic.
Happy New Year!
Google Maps sends me to the wrong place time after time. I have a love/hate relationship with my navigation system too. Couldn't live without it yet it gives me MASSIVE anxiety.
I have to say, I hate Google Maps because it's gotten me lost SEVERAL times. I prefer Mapquest, but I'm glad it's been a good resource for you
I have been living in San Francisco for NINE YEARS and I still can't find my way around. For some reason the shitty Google map thing always, always, always directs me to a stinky patchouli wearing hippie.
What are the odds?
Happy Fucking New Year!
I want to hear more about this apartment.
I haven't gotten a GPS because, well, I'm afraid I'd never know how to live without it (kinda like how I feel about the internet).
I just read your last ten posts or so since I returned to the country on Saturday and didn't read them on my little tiny iPhone screen in the middle of a rice patty in Vietnam. Okay I wasn't ever in the middle of a rice patty. Anyway, I enjoyed them all and I am so glad that you are funny. That's all. Oh, also, Happy New Year!
Congrats on the new apartment!!! Oh and beware of google map kidnappers! HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!
Welcome to Nor Cal
I have all of those driving thoughts in San Francisco and more. It's ridiculous. Plus, I can't parallel park either and my car hates hills. Never a good combo!
Congrats on your new apartment!
PREDICTION: 2010 will be an interesting year for you…and us cause we get to read about it. Do fun shit this year, yeah?
my iphone broke the other day, and i thought i was literally going to DIE without google maps. srsly. DIE.
Welcome to SF…apparently Royce and Aaron have good taste in blogs, since they directed me to you, and umm…you're decently funny. Per Royce's suggestion, we'll have to hit up Lime for champagne brunch after you've settled in!
PS There ARE left turns in SF, they just happen to be read in Google Maps as:
(1) Make right onto New Montgomery St.
(2) Continue straight for 300 ft.
(3) Make right on Mission St.
(4) Continue straight for 301 ft.
(5) Make right on 3rd St.
(6) Continue straight until you cross Market St.
(7) Congrats! You just made a left from Market onto Kearney St.!
.
.
.
(123) Agree with Cheddar from last week: "…provided tub of **RAINBOW CHIP** frosting…"
My Google Maps app is the BEST THING EVER and has gotten me out of some major binds. Including a seriously-in-the-middle-of-nowhere Mississippi pumpkin patch.
YAY for the new apartment and not being homeless!
I'm stressing out at work and stumbled across this blog and have been Laughing Out Loud my assss off for the past 30 minutes. And when I say laughing out loud I really don't mean it because I would get fired–Insurance isn't funny and they would know something was up. Like that time my boss walked by and David Beckham's nakedness was frozen on my screen. IT WAS A POP-UP SIR. In any case, I AM enjoying intense fits of inner laughter. Thank you! It's so hard to come across people that are ACTUALLY funny. There are so many I read who I can tell are trying to be funny and it's….it's bad. Love your style and humor and I am a huuuge proponent of naps.
My GPS got me lost last week…