I think something is horribly wrong with my teeth or my gums or my mouth in general, because I’ve been flossing like every single night but every single night when I floss my mouth bleeds and isn’t that supposed to stop if you floss consistently? And wait, why is my blog telling me that “gums” isn’t a word? Gums is totally a word. My gums. Like, the ones in my mouth. Am I a complete fuck up idiot here? Why, when I right-click, does it want me to change it to “mugs” or “fums?” Yeah, because gums isn’t a word but fums *totally* is. I swear the entire internet is being run by zombies. If I had more money I’d try to further investigate this madness. Actually, if I had more money I’d go and get my fucking gums looked at. But I can’t because I don’t have dental insurance. I don’t even have regular health insurance. And then yesterday I had to pay like $200 to get my annual girly exam at Planned Parenthood even though they seriously should have paid me after I spent two and a half hours waiting and was finally seen at just after 3pm for a 12:40pm appointment and the girl behind the desk was all, “It’s usually always at least an hour and a half to two hour wait for all appointments” and I’m all, “Why don’t you just have everyone come in two hours later?” and she’s all, “What?” and then I went and sat back down and cried because my phone was dead and I didn’t have anything to eat or anything to drink or anything to do and my brain hurt from trying to understand a scheduling system in which every single person with an appointment waits approximately two hours from said appointment time to actually be seen. Like, I can barely do simple addition and subtraction and even I can see that this is an easy problem to fix. Something is wrong with Planned Parenthood. Also, during my exam the doctor told me I have “really strong muscles,” which I think means she was telling me that I have a tight vagina.
In other news, I haven’t gotten my car washed in over six months and I’m pretty sure that’s bad for the paint but I don’t know where there’s a car wash near my apartment and I don’t want to give up my non-parallel-parking parking spot to try to find one and it rains sometimes so maybe that does the trick but also maybe not and and and it’s things like this that keep me up at night while the rest of you are sleeping peacefully. Yes, I hate everyone who doesn’t have a raging sleep disorder. Except you. And you. But not you – you suck. Just kidding. I think.
Horse smiles and strainer glasses for everyone!
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Now I want a doctor to compliment my backdoor.
I’m going to keep booking appointments until it happens.
I should probably just go to medical school tomorrow for the sole purpose of becoming your doctor and giving you backdoor compliments.
No?
TOO MUCH?
i never get compliments like that at my girly appointments. i once had this little indian (asia, not native american) tell me i had a ‘paper cut’ from wearing jeans and no undies. so awkward. i think i need to change to a more complimentary doctor.
Do you sleep with your mouth open? That makes your gums sensitive. Also, spiders crawl inside. Bad mouth breathers, bad!
AH! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AH! AH! AH! AHHHHHH!
P.S. My girly doctor once told me I have an elastic vagina. I’m not sure what that means, but I bet it’s something wonderful.
I have been having the same gums issues. On the right side, every damn time I brush, they bleed. Even when I go over it super lightly. It’s been like that for a few months. Terrible that I haven’t got it checked out yet, I know. I’m pretty sure it’s something I need to get taken care of too.
How is your Planned Parenthood exam that much? I think ours is only like $40, or is that a different kind of exam???
That’s a walk off homer of a post.
You’re a walk off homer of a person. But, I believe we discussed this via text. Also, THANKS.
p.s. girly exams are FREE in canada. YUP. just another reason canada is awesome. free vag exams for all!
haha. cananda is awesome. i’m going to try and convince my boyfriend, best friend, and parents to all move there with me.
I hope to move up there after I earn my ND and finish my residency in
VaginologyGynecology.Planned Parenthood is great in all, but damn if every single ONE I’ve ever been to has forced me to wait for hours as nervous teenagers shuffle in and out and grab their nondescript paper bags and run out the door.
Not fun. Not fun at all.
Neither are stirrups.
Omg something I can actually comment on! My gums used to bleed like crazy so I started flossing regularly but they just kept bleeding. I went to my dentist to check it out and he said it’s because I grind my teeth CRAZY hard in my sleep. You might want to look at nightguards. And stop chewing gum if you do. And they sell soft-bristle toothbrushes. And numbing toothpaste. God I sound like an old person. I’m 19!! All right. Out.
i had my girly appointment at planned parenthood a few years ago. they used a clear plastic speculum as opposed to the usual metal ones that i guess (i HOPE!) get sterilized after every use. the exam was going all hunky dory until… i shit you not… the little plastic speculum got stuck. it got stuck in the OPEN position… while it was in my hoohaa. you think waiting two extra hours is bad? try hearing those 3 words you never want to hear while a person is between your legs – “this might pinch” – then having something forced closed while it’s all up in your lady parts. yowza.
The internets tell me “children” isn’t a word. Same with “dissapear.” Honestly. Apparently it should be “dispensary”. WTF? Glad it’s not just my computer… Though I guess I’m NOT glad because that means your zombie theory is correct and zombies are scary as fuck.
“dissapear” isn’t a word. Disappear is.
Not cleaning your car is bad for the paint? I haven’t washed my car in like a year, no that’s a lie, it’s been WAY longer than that. I don’t even know if I’ve ever taken it through a car wash.
The bad news is that, according to WebMD, you have the ebola virus.
The good news is that you shouldn’t have to worry much longer about how clean your car is.
I feel like if you’re paying that much money for that type of exam, the least they can do is give you a happy ending.
I slept all night long beeyotch. Don’t hate!
I’m not really sure what to think about special lady doctors giving out complements like that. Like…thank you? I guess? What do you say to something like that?
I can’t visit any type of doctor without them just talking about my tattoos for like 70 minutes, which is why everybody else has to wait so long in the waiting room. Sorry about that.
I always wait for hours at Planned Parenthood
You have to do the poor woman’s version of a car wash, which I admittedly did multiple times during college, because who the FUCK wants to pay $15 for someone to run a hose and dish soap over your car! NOT ME! That’s a bottle of Whiskey and two bottles of 2 buck chuck from Trader Joes! and I would still have a dollar left over for a nifty app on my iPhone! and then a penny, which I’m not really sure what I would do with that…
So, anyway, the poor woman’s version of a car wash = when it is raining really hard grab a rag and scrub down your car. Totally works!!! Swear!
Car washes are overrated. Especially those ones that make you do it yourself. Except that then you get a car wash AND a shower in one, so maybe they are not so bad after all. Or maybe you should just throw buckets of water out your window in the general direction of your car when you take a shower. Hmm… I didn’t really help you solve any of you problems. Damn it. But congrats on the buff vagina! I had a friend go into the lady doctor once and he told her she had ingrown toenails. I think you win.
I don’t have a window in my bathroom. This shower/car wash combo seems like a good enough reason to sledgehammer a hole in the wall though. I’ll get back to you.
Also, my buff vagina thanks you for the kind words.
I thought PP worked on a sliding fee scale? It’s not like you’re rolling in cash – I’m shocked it was that much. And you are so right about the scheduling. Why the fuck make people come in and wait if you know you are two hours later ALWAYS FOR EVERYONE? Grr.
Bleeding gums could be periodontal (gum) disease?
Or, as previously mentioned… grinding your teeth? I have no solutions for the insurance issue, though.
I once had a doc ask me to flex down there, then asked me if I did kegels. I assume it was a positive question, but it was pretty uncomfortable for me and my female nurse. Umm… haha? I’d probably be totally proud if a LADY lady doctor asked me that, though.
I bet your OBGYN gets a lot of play. She obviously knows how to give a woman a compliment.
“I mean no you can’t just keep texting me with the word ‘tight.’”
Remember last night when you I tried to text you about being “vewy tight” and my iPhone auto-corrected “vewy” to “Bret?”
THAT THE FUNNIEST THING
WELL, THAT AND THE FACT THAT I WOULD EVER EVER TEXT YOU ABOUT BEING “VEWY TIGHT” IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HI BRET
I didn’t wash the outside of my car for ages, and I live where there’s salt-infested winter and I have no problems. No car paint problems, that is. I have other problems to make up for it.
I actually didn’t wash the inside for probably a year, and it was fine too. After my husband washed it. Thanks, husband!
Also, I think for $200 you could probably go to a regular girly doctor for your check up. I’d make some calls and check. That should cut down the wait time. Even though I love PP [and found out I was pregnant (& happy about it - not the bad kind of finding out) from PP], I hate waiting. It’s too fucking exhausting and hate-inspiring.
Enjoy your tight vagina! And keep flossing. The bleeding will eventually stop. Eventually. Unless you are a hemophiliac, then I’d get that shit checked quick. But obviously not at PP.
I’d like to request that people end all emails/messages to me with “Enjoy your tight vagina!” from now on.
I’m thinking you are flossing way too much. I rarely floss, like once a month, and I never have problems with my chops.
I once had a girly doctor tell me they’d have to use the “virgin tools” on me for a long time. I appreciated their concern over popping my cherry before I had the chance, too, but that was strange.
My most recent visit resulted in being told that I was “very creative” while she was doing her doctor thing between my legs. I later found out she was referring to my blog. I still can’t decide which is better, that I thought she meant my vag was an artist or that my gyno reads my blog…
Enjoy your tight vagina!
Ouch. $200 for a gyno appt. My dentist wanted $510 for a dental extraction (including the $200 for the initial appointment where we took x-rays and he told me I wasn’t allowed to curse in his office, lousy mother fucker). Um, no thanks. I’m hoping to get the money to extract this tooth next week and until then, I have a Vicodin script that I’m waiting for over at King Soopers once they open in a few hours.
Oh the tight vagina thing, I’m kinda experiencing that too. Too tight because I neglected my fucking dilation and have to go back to Thailand to get surgically reopened. Fuuuck.
I had bleeding gums for a bit so I asked my dentist and turned out it was because I had bronchitis (so apparently with any kind of sickness your gums will get sensitive) so I mean, maybe you’re sick?
Also free girly-exams are the best. For $200 I could get really drunk like twice.
planned parenthood is the most awful place in the entire world.
i know that this is true because i’ve been to Delaware. and planned parenthood is worse.
and you are clearly not lying well enough on your information sheet because in all my years i never paid more than $20/year.
in fact, one time i put a slightly inflated income and the receptionist actually CALLED ME OVER and said “I think you accidentally put a ’1′ in front of your monthly income, *wink wink*” and i said “YES THANK YOU I DID PLEASE GIVE ME FREE BIRTH CONTROL AND ALSO I JUST HAD 4 BIRTHDAYS IN YOUR WAITING AREA”
and then i tried to joke with the NP. but she didn’t think i was funny.
this comment is long and dumb.
DUDE, I went and got my annual Lady Business Exam at the county health clinic and it was terrifying because there were all these 18 year old looking chicks with their premature crack babies in the waiting room and then they misspelled my name (“Fuhrheinrich” not “Suhrheinrich” <–correct. EXPLAIN PLEASE) and tested for diseases I TOLD THEM I DIDN'T HAVE (aka DIABEETUS and GERMAN MEASLES?!?!?) and kept trying to sell me vitamins, etc. that would make my uterus grow a baby better and I was like PERHAPS I HAVE NOT MADE MYSELF CLEAR, I am here to make sure I am not growing black mold or astbestos anywhere in my lady business, and then all I want are some BABY CANCELING PILLS.
45 minutes after they took me back into the Nurse Question Chamber, they finally got around to the Lady Business exam, which took 5 minutes.
We need a better system. Or…at least…better (or existing) insurance…
Also, Enjoy your tight vagina.
ALSO, because I NEED to leave 390 comments per post (some might say, Emily, type and make sure eeeverything you want to say is in one comment, BUT NOOO), while I was at said weirdo lady doctor appointment, lying back, trying to “relax,” and they’re handing around METAL TOOLS, the worst thing to hear is, “No, no, hand me the BIG one.”
I escaped unscathed.
I want your vagina!
Not literally, ok maybe, um let’s move on here. There’s was more but the spam filter wasn’t feeling it. Apparently not everyone is down with a lot of vagina.
I think the lesson learned is this: next time anyone goes to Planned Parenthood we should have a bottle of tequila on hand. Two hours in a waiting room would surely kill me. And $200 a Planned Parenthood? Are you kidding me? No wonder people don’t get their yearly check-ups.
Anyway, as always, love that you can make such an awful situation into something to laugh about
not that I’m laughing at you, just the situation. Wanted to make sure that was clear!
Is it sad that I avoid dentists and vag doctors at all costs? Like to protect both my sanity and my sense of privacy? Oh, but about cars and washing them… I haven’t washed mine in two years now. I’m lazy.