Sometimes Facebook is the most annoying thing ever. Like when someone you know changes their relationship status and then everyone else you know and everyone else you have ever known comments on it with dumb shit like “awww” and “weee” and “wink face!” But then sometimes Facebook is actually the most glorious thing ever. Like when you’re clicking around to find out if the people you made out with in college are less hot or more hot than they were when you made out with them and you happen to stumble upon the fact that a girl you graduated from high school with is now Miss California and is competing in the Miss USA pageant this weekend.
MISS CALIFORNIA. MISS USA PAGEANT. MY HIGH SCHOOL.
Also, I’d like to point out that this girl and I share the same first name. So to recap, I am a Nicole who went to my high school and she is a Nicole who went to my high school but obviously we drank very different water since leaving said high school because whatever is in her water makes her body look like this and whatever is in my water makes it look like my body ate her body. Which is to say: fuck, I need a new water source. Or to do eleventy billion sit ups. Or to go back in time and attend an uglier high school. Or to quit Facebook. Or to drink until I can no longer spell Facebook.
DID I MENTION THAT THIS GIRL WENT TO MY HIGH SCHOOL?
Like, how does that happen? How are you a high school student and then a college student and then all of the sudden you’re not a student at all and BAM you’re Miss California. And, and! It’s not just Facebook. Earlier today I was doing research for a client and I was on the Los Angeles Children’s Hospital website and who do I see right there in the middle of the homepage? NICOLE THE GOOD WATER SNATCHER. And she’s all, “Look how big I smile with the sick kids!” and I’m like, “I closed Facebook to get away from how gorgeous you are” and she’s all, “Smiles for sick kids!” and I’m like, “You can’t be unbearably gorgeous and be a really good person” and she’s all, “Even bigger smiles for sick kids!” and I’m like, “Whatever, my jealousy and I were already going to hell in the first place.”
But, this has been a very good experience in that it’s made me realize something. Do you know what it’s made me realize? It’s made me realize that I should be Miss California. Or like, Miss Blogosphere. Oh for the love we should have a Miss Blogosphere. Someone organize this immediately. Immediately! And then pick me to be in it. Pick me to be in it so that for the talent portion I can show the world how well I gargle the ABCs. And then for the swimsuit portion I can show the world that in my personal dictionary “swimsuit” means “Snuggie.” And then for the other portions (what the fuck are the other portions?) I can just mainline iced tea and tell fake horoscopes to everyone in the audience that end with profound head nodding to vague statements like “You’ll know the right path when you’re on it. Amen.”
Damn, this whole Miss Blogosphere thing is maybe the best idea I’ve ever had.
Except for the idea I had earlier tonight that lead to me writing this entire blog post in a bar.
You know, with ideas like this you’d think I would have won a Nobel Prize already or something. Speaking of, who does the nominations for those things? It’s about time I got some fucking recognition already.
UPDATE: On second thought, don’t create this Miss Blogosphere thing because I’m going to do it. I’m also going to do a Mr. Blogosphere. Like, soon. Like, details are already in the works. Nomination process begins shortly. There will be a charity involved. Nicole the good water snatch isn’t the only one who cares about sick people. Stay tuned bitches.
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
She might be Miss California but You are Pretty and Smart and you make peoples days, like mine i had a very bad day and you just made me smile and laugh (thanks! btw).. and you have not undergone surgery to be plastic.. and i bet she really doesnt like kids let alone sick kids. You like kids and your real.. 10 gamillion points for you and minus 400gamillion for her.. Ha You Win! YAY!
Pfft. You’re way cute, that chick is probably excruciatingly boring, and is certainly more boring than you. Smiling for sick kids is great and all, I guess, but they’re still sick when she’s done. Not exactly grounds for moral superiority. Now the poor bastards that volunteer there for no recognition, and every scientist laboring deep in the background, they kick ass and take names on moral superiority. Some of them are probably even pretty, or possibly even cute, but they don’t walk around smugging it up.
The only flaw in the Miss Blogosphere idea is that you’d almost certainly end up running against Jenny. I mean, that’s some stiff competition .
I feel your pain, I went to high school with the Old Spice Guy. “Look at your man, now back to me… “. I could never dream of that level of success.
I think you would kill the “Other Nicole from High School” in the Q&A portion which usually becomes the biggest controversy lately. Then of course, the stabby portion where you excel at and the make me laugh portion where you have me crying in a good way. Is there a stabby portion in Miss Blogosphere? I always think photos like in your link to “her” seem artificial like I am not seeing the real thing. Like, are her clothes taped in back to flatter her, did she put something on her skin to get that color and how much of that is makeup? Give me a real woman anyday. I was just watching “Working Girl” and I love the 1980′s aesthetic Melanie Griffith was working in that movie.
I went to school with the guy who played Stifler in the American Pie movies, so I’ve got that going for me.
And hey now – I didn’t ASK for the “wink faces” on the changed relationship status.
Wink face.
Woah, Miss Blogosphere is a great idea. And that other Nicole definitely has fake boobs so I’m not even jealous. Not even a little bit.
I lie.
So yeah… this one time I competed in some pageants with the girl who is now Miss Nevada competing in the Miss USA pageant. Her name is not the same as mine, we did not go to the same high school, and I sure as hell didn’t drink the same water she did, BUT… I’m pretty sure I gave her advice before she walked on the stage in her bathing suit. I’d like to take some credit for her being where she is today. LMAO Not really, but hey.
On a side note… you are amazingly gorgeous and I would feel lucky to share water (or you know a yard of margarita) with you anytime. Oh wait! Maybe we can… in 10 days!
Have you heard about this:
http://cbs3.com/video/?id=102718@kyw.dayport.com
No, I’m not a loser who’s obsessed with local news, nor do I live in Philly. My friend was interviewed for this story and it’s hilarious because they referred to him as Brian Billings instead of Ryan Billings.
But anyway, it looks like your friend Nicole got a little frisky in front of the camera. Along with all the other contestants. Though with goodies like hers, I guess it would be hard to keep them in the jar.
I’d rather drink wine with you any day.
She’s gets to look forward to the soiled underwear of creepy old men in her letterbox… You get sex toys in yours. Winner is you!
I went to high school with Anne Hathaway! We weren’t friends but we have definitely been at some of the same parties (pre her becoming retardedly famous, obvi). Talk about getting an unfair share of the good water, yo.
You will have to fight me for the blogosphere crown.
I went to high school with 1) a guy who is now a top advisor to President Obama, 2) a girl who does financial reports on ABC news occasionally and was dating George Lucas, and 3) a girl who was in a few teen angst movies in the ’80s. Also, assorted doctors and lawyers.
I’m sure you’re way hotter than Miss California…
A girl from my elementary school was in a movie with Jim from The Office. I wanted to cry when I heard that. So unfair! Doesn’t she know John Krasinski is mine??
that bitch is riding my lucky numba!
I’m definitely in on this Miss Blogosphere thing. Do I have to send nude-y pictures? Because I really don’t want to… but if it’s a requirement, I guess I’ll start working on it.
I’d vote for you to be Miss Blogosphere.
Miss California HAS to go to the children’s hospital and hug sick kids. It’s in her contract. That and cutting a lot of ribbons at different ceremonies. And pretending to find Donald Trump interesting…
See? It doesn’t sound fun at ALL.
You sound like you’re way more fun than her. Plus check out the picture – -she’s only got one arm! How can she be a two fisted drinker like us if she only has one arm?
THIS IS WHAT I’M SAYING
Wow…all these supportive comments about how good you look and how you’re better than Miss California (maybe in your own special way) and all I can think of is:
How did you type this up in a bar? Did you bring a laptop? Did they have wi-fi? Because if they did, that is a bar I might like, except that after a night at the bar I am more likely to break my laptop than use it coherently. Did you type the whole thing on an iPhone or Blackberry? Because that in itself is almost as impressive as being Miss California.
Yes laptop. Yes wifi. No typing a blog post on my iPhone ever ever because I’d kill myself.
When I tried to write a blog post in a bar, it turned out like this. Not nearly as impressive or as funny as yours. That’s why you’re better than Miss California. I’ll take one look at her picture then move on to the next random bikini-clad chick. But I keep coming back to your writing. Your writing is hotter than her body.
The girl from Full House that always said “how rude!” went to my elementary school.
The fact that you wrote this in a bar gets you my vote for Miss Blogosphere.
Yeah, she has to glue her swimsuit to her butt and spend hours spackling her face with makeup each day before she goes and potentially catches diseases from sick kids. Also, her career choices are pretty much limited to “model”, “porn star” or “mistress”, all of which won’t be valid much after her 29th birthday.
You get to drink all you want, live in San Francisco, lie on your patio in the sun and people send you sex toys in the mail. You don’t even have to brush your hair if you don’t want to. You can do this for as long as you’d like.
I know who I’d rather be.
Wow, Missy, you really had a great idea there !!
I’d vote for you, yes I would
P.S. We don’t like her. Nope, we don’t like her one bit. Booooooo.
If you start this Miss Blogosphere thing, I want in.
You.
Are.
Fucking.
Hysterical.
The.
End.
Everyone I went to high school with is ugly. I mean… what? Anyway. They’re now all in happy relationships and married and having babies. WTF was in THAT water!?
Now ask her to spell “Czechoslovakia “. $20 bucks she spells it wrong.
And for bonus round, ask her to locate it on a blank map, bet she fails on that too.
Then again, I’d probably spell, so maybe we’ll both go to hell because of our jealousy.
Damn.
I’m the one on facebook that when some announces they are in a relationship I comment “With your HAND? haa haa haa haa….”
And then I am one less friend.
I have kissed three boys who have become minor celebritites, one was in the Blair Witch Project, one was a VJ on MTV and another was in a Head and Shoulders commercial and some stupid sitcom….It’s like I have the golden kiss that turns into the death of success kiss! HA jokes on them, I HAVE a blog with like 5 readers….neener neener neener!
I almost forgot…Miss Cali over there looks like she is digging a wedgie out of her bung hole.
I went to high school with people that are now actors. Or are famous bank robbing heiresses children.
I went to weirdo backwards high school where nothing made any sense.
So when I watch Gossip Girl and see the girl that was in my class as Chuck’s new sexy friend? MIND. BLOWN.
1. We’re all dying to know, is/was this girl smart?
2. You do not, I repeat DO NOT, need to change your water source or do any more situps or any other ridiculous idea. Hoever, drinking until you can no longer spell facebook sounds like a good idea.
3. I’m also highly anticipating “The Shit I’ll Do for Money” May 2010 update.
4. Hearts and rainbows!
There is no one in my class or High School who is famous. Yet.
Although I started a new job and I went to High School with a girl who works there and she was all “Ohmigod I sang at your grad!!” As if it wasn’t her grad too but it totally was and guess what? I don’t remember her singing at all.
So there.
PS – I heart you and not that other Nicole
Oh my gosh, my women’s college was FULL of pagaent girls. I had choir with Miss Elkhart County, Intro to Acting with Miss Hoosier Heartland, Interpersonal Comm with Miss Ohio, and Organizational Comm with Miss Teen Chicago.
Also, I went to high school with underwear models (http://www.my203kloan.com/clintgallery.htm) and high fashion models (http://redheadmodels.blogspot.com/2009/06/sarah-emmons.html)
A girl in the year below me at high school was Miss Scotland. She made a total tit of herself on Miss World. It was hilarious.
I LOVE the Miss Blogosphere idea! LOVE it!
But if you’re creating the Miss Blogosphere competition, isn’t it like, against the rules for you to be in it? Or do you just want to be Queen of Blogosphere who puts on the Miss/Mr. Blogosphere competitions and makes everyone look good? Because I feel like that makes more sense anyway, and plus you’ll get to wear a crown and a jewel studded goblet and be the judge. Yep. Yepyepyepyep!
Also, how is this gonna go down? Like are we gonna all get together again for it? After Vegas? Or are we all just submitting videos of all the weird things we can do with our tongues? I mean. What?
So if you have a Miss Blogosphere and Mr Blogosphere contest, can there be runners-up and “courts” like we had in high school? You know, like there was the King/Queen and then their minions and squires below them or whatever?
You always have such fascinating ideas!
I’m mostly just confused about why she is carrying a cat toy down the runway. Also, pageant girls have to wear vaseline on their teeth and a bunch of them aren’t actually that pretty in real. Also, as an fyi, smiling with sick kids doesn’t excuse you from going to hell.
I think you are missing the most important thing here …
… those of us who have met you are only ONE DEGREE OF SEPERATION from Miss California.
Sweet.
Haha this post is great. You are hilarious. So hold on, are you serious about the Miss Blogosphere thing? If so, count me in!
Why did you break up with Jamie? Her taking time down in socal wasn’t enough, was it? Just what did you do?
Stalking on facebook should be more interesting like by leaving random comments not related to anyhing in particular. Or not. It’s probably an image thing, like not stealthy. Probably. I can’t really help it. All the best people are blocking me, yay!
P.S. – you rock so hard it’s not even a contest.
Don’t kid yourself Nicole…she’s probably hopped up on pills and cocaine like Lil’ Miss USA’s Tara Conner.
So…pretty much everyone loves you. The end.
I love the Miss/Mr Blogosphere contest idea. You’re brilliant!
Ah! Can’t wait to see how this comes about lol It’s going to be amazing, I’m sure!
Evening gown competition — that’s one of the other things. The blogosphere version should probably be sweatpants, cheeto-encrusted t-shirt and some sort of hat or crown that one gets for drinking a lot in a bar. Perhaps some flair.
“Also, I’d like to point out that this girl and I share the same first name. So to recap, I am a Nicole who went to my high school and she is a Nicole who went to my high school but obviously we drank very different water since leaving said high school because whatever is in her water makes her body look like this and whatever is in my water makes it look like my body ate her body. Which is to say: fuck, I need a new water source. Or to do eleventy billion sit ups. Or to go back in time and attend an uglier high school. Or to quit Facebook. Or to drink until I can no longer spell Facebook.”
This may be the best paragraph ever written in a bar….
Who wears heels that match the print on their bathing suit? WHAT IS THIS?! You’re obviously far classier even if you don’t smile for sick kids… but hey, they’re sick. Maybe they don’t want smiles. MAYBE THEY WANT A CURE.
I’m in favor of drinking until we can no longer spell Facebook.
I’ve got nominations for you. I know bloggers who will do depraved shit for that kind of title. De-praved. *wink face*
Please, please, please, please, PLEASE tell me that “Nicole the good water SNATCH” was not a typo. Please.
This is why I don’t want to be friends with my classmates on Facebook. Oh, you’re a successful lawyer? And Jane is doctor? And Jim started his own company and now makes MILLIONS?!?!?! It’s an EPIC mindfuck! My brother went to school with Dax Shepard. They should LABEL those fucking drinking fountains. I wish I’d have used the “Successful Future” one. DAMMIT! Do over!
Oh my gosh YES. Miss Blogosphere?! I really really really hope I get nominated. Even though I’m possibly number 300 on the Top 300 Greatest Girl Bloggers list….if that.
But but but…PICK ME!
sometimes bad things happen to beauty contestants… just sayin… ya never know and then think of the post … maybe you could step in for her, same name, same high school. just sayin. it could happen.
It sounds like you’re a little jealous… lol… which you shouldn’t be. I personally don’t look up to Miss USA pageant contenders… but I do look up to people with skills and talent and an extraordinary talent to speak their mind like you.
“whatever is in my water makes it look like my body ate her body”
I would vote for you JUST because of that line.
http://twitter.com/whitegrlproblem
Came across this twitter and have been in hysterics for an hour now. Her humor reminds me of yours, thought you’d like it. It’s a satirical series of “white girl problems”…
i.e. “I queefed in front of my psychic today. She was not surprised.”
I just started trolling my old favorite blogs after a much-too-extended absence. And oh-em-gee how I’ve missed you.
Officially count me among your readership again. On all 1,267 of your current blog projects. Love it!
you know what’s creepy? i started reading jamie’s blog awhile back when my friend showed it to me. and then i started reading yours because it was on her page. and then one day i showed my friend your blog and was like “how cool is that? they like live together now and shit”, and i may or may not have looked you up on the successful social networking site bookface and i noticed that you and my friend are fb friends so i asked her, and she’s all whoa the whoa, i went to high school with her. longish story short, you went to high school with a girl i know.
i bet her vagina would have made stupid chocolate
I bet all she spends her time doing is prepping for those pageants. You are out living life, being awesome. Props.
Also, I mentioned you in my most recent blog post, hope you don’t mind.
Did you just call Miss California “the good water snatch” in your update? Because that’s fucking hilarious and deserves its own award.
I went to school with a state representative. No wonder my state is broke.
i fucking love you.
that is all.
Bloggers are way cooler than beauty queen bitches.
Meh. The whores…
And not the good kind of whore either.
Just because I got drunker than normal 14 years ago and married a good-looking cowboy dude doesn’t mean I should be excluded from virtual tiaras and Snuggie modeling. Please create a Mrs. Blogosphere as well. I promise I’ll be nice to orphans and kittens. Okay, not kittens, they annoy me with their “mew mew mew” and their tiny fucking claws, but the orphans? I’ll totally make them cookies. Okay, I’ll BUY them cookies. Whatever. Also? I’ll let you use my hot tub.