Every morning around 10am there’s a riot behind our apartment building. And by “riot” I mean “recess break for the neighboring school,” but it sure as crazycakes hell sounds like a riot and in the three months I’ve lived here, I’ve learned two things: kids are loud. Okay that’s technically only one thing, but let’s just count it twice because these kids are *that* loud.
Sometimes, I want to run out on my patio at 10:01am and be all, “STOP YELLING” and lecture them about how lucky they are for getting dropped off at school in a safe and normal way when there are kids in Colombia who have to take a dangerous zip line pulley system to get to their school.
A zip line pulley system. To! Their! School!
Which, notably, makes my brain explode because on one hand, HOW COOL?! But on the other hand, how dangerous! And on another hand, how do they get back home??
Yes, I just gave myself three hands. And here’s a fourth: apparently Daisy, the little girl in the picture, “is expected to travel down the flying fox at speeds of up to 62km/h with her younger brother attached beside her in a sack.”
IN A SACK. Like, “Okay bro, hop in, I’m going to grab this handle and you’re going to be in a sack and the sack is going to be attached to my body and we’re going to fly down a wire and it’s going to be fine because the worst that can happen is that we fall 400m into the Rio Negro river.”
This terrifies me and makes me not want to have babies. Or, it makes me not want to have babies with anyone from this Colombian village. Or, no, wait, you know what makes me not want to have babies? The new ad that’s been showing up in my Facebook sidebar that’s all, “Click me! I’ll show you what you and your boyfriend’s babies will look like!” And I’m all, “Listen Stalkbook, I don’t have a boyfriend.” And Facebook is like, “Well, oh, I mean, I just figured since you talk about your vagina so much, it must see plenty of traffic.” And I’m all, “So basically you’re saying I’m a slut.” And Facebook is like, “Shh, click here! Future babies!”
So of course I look more closely at the ad because maybe I am a little curious about what my future babies will look like and I know people are all, “I just want them to be healthy!” and yeah, I get that, but let’s be serious for a second and acknowledge that you also want them to be pretty fucking cute. And not all babies are cute. What? They’re not. THEY’RE NOT. So you win Facebook, maybe I do want you to tell me which of my potential baby daddys would give me 
the cutest offspring. Except hold up, what the fuck is with the picture in this ad? I might not know exactly what I want my baby to look like, but I can tell you what I definitely don’t want, and that’s for my baby to have zombie lines across its face. This is horrible marketing. Get that weird zombie baby shit outta here. My ovaries hurt. Where’s the nearest zip line?
Sigh.
Night night.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, wtf?!
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
This? is CRAZY!
That zipline is SO COOL but inappropriate. I mean, I would like it for me, but probably not for sack-boy and his big sister.
Dude I would have picked the zip line any day over the bus. Seriously, ex-nerdy fat kid. I would much rather have plummeted to my doom.
I also once fell victim to the "WHAT WOULD YOUR KIDS LOOK LIKE" ad.
http://datingismiserable.com/?p=129
The answer: FUG
Do you think it would be a horrible mistake to submit a picture of me and my ex-husband and then compare the picture that Facebook sends me with our actual kid? What if the Facebook baby is cuter? Can I use it as ammunition against my daughter and be all like "this is the baby that we SHOULD have had"?
Oh, I'm sorry…is this not "Ask Nicole" day?
You know what's not even fair like in the slightest? I named my ipod "Zombie Portal" because I always thought that if zombies infiltrated my life in any way, it would be through my ipod (don't ask why, but if you're going to, it's likely because it's all black and scary and when it's just sitting on my desk it looks like zombies might come through it.) Ok but really though, that kid is going to crawl through my fucking ipod tonight and strangle me to death. Thanks, Nicole.
I was going to leave a funny/interesting comment on your blog but then I saw the “vajazzling – crystals on your clit” link and … Well I’m just a little confused/intrigued. Heading over there right now.
Side note: I don't actually think I should be reading up on crystals for your vagina at work. And when I said your vagina I didn't mean YOU personally …
If Stalkbook is good for anything, it's for proving that not all babies are cute.
riot is a perfect word….i have a school behind me and they are also out there every morning screaming at the top of their lungs for no good reason. and whatever they are screaming and going on about is in german which sounds even WORSE and kind of scary.
I really like, okay L-O-V-E off on a tangent Nicole. I really love your stream of consciousness which is just a stand-up comedy act waiting to happen. I also love that you have multiple appendages. I will bec amping out at the Comedy Club waiting for you:)
I should do my future babies so that Facebook can be all "YOU GET NONE BECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS UNNATURAL."
That was awesome. Kids are way too fucking loud. Dogs are way better. Less expensive and they can't talk.
I've considered trying out the 'make a baby' facebook thing with pictures of me and my husband, but I'm afraid that if they turn out ugly, one of us will have to get our stuff tied off. I'm so not about to start popping out ugly kids.
Zipline is Columbia's version of Facebook.
Thank God you said not all babies are cute. I am so effing tired of pretending not cute babies are cute. And what is up with people introducing you to their kids? I mean, wtf am I supposed to talk to your kid about? Hey kid, nice to meet you, what are your thoughts on the whole Ricky Martin thing?
Facebook doesn't show me that add because it KNOWS I'm not getting any. I am tolerating the Singles/Online Dating ads they keep shoving down my throat but the day Facebook starts flashing ads for free kittens I'm getting off it. I'M NOT A CRAZY CAT LADY YET, FACEBOOK. SHUT UP.
Ooh, ZIP LINES! I would've died of happiness if I got to ride one of those to school everyday. Also… I'm curious about the baby thing. I'm gonna try it and letcha know how that goes.
I now have a new thing on my bucket list… ride a zip line with my brother in a freaking sack. Of course, by the time I'm writing this, my 17 year old brother will probably have grown another three inches and five pounds, but, still… how cool would that be? Phenomeawesome!
Not pictured.
The copious amount of cocaine in the bottom of the sack going down that zipline.
In other news, I have a new vacation spot.
I wanna zip line! If that's not on my life list, it will be by the end of the day. You in?
OMG I've been getting that same ad on Facebook too, and it's creepy! Not to mention that I'm single too, so it's either that one or this other one with a man saying, check out (said website) we need more ladies, or Meet Your Boyfriend here. Ugh. Stupid ads!!!!
Nicole – I don't remember how I came across your blog, but you crack me up. Love you what you writeabout and how you describe things. The baby in that picture looks like either A) he/she has the worst tan lines every or B) is stuck behind a net.
those baby maker ads seriously freak me out. why can't facebook just show me sam worthington's abs? or something exciting at least.
Yet another reason to be slightly (or very, I haven't made up my mind yet) mad I was adopted out of Colombia to cold, cold, ever so cold, Michigan. No, no I get the tired old "I trudged X miles up hill in the knee deep snow to get to school." I wonder if there is a zipline equivalent story like that over there?
The babymaker ads totally freak me out but not as much as the day I changed my status to "in a relationship" and it was all "Look, engagement rings!" and I was like "Facebook, seriously? No," and then it was like "Do you need the new one pill Plan B?" and I became convinced that somehow Facebook had made me pregnant even though I hadn't even slept with my new boy.
This? was awesome…
that alien zombie multi-racial barbie (and a little ken) baby is creeeeeepy. that's some good birth control right there.
stalkbook – you crack me up!
Or celebrity babies! Or ways for us to babysit for celebrity babies. DO YOU HEAR THAT FACEBOOK?
Looks like you had babies with a dark version of the dude from hellraiser. At least they didn't get the pin-in-face trait…I hear it's recessive.
I think this zipline idea could work here. If we set those up for kids to get to school we'll have full-on natural selection on our hands. Only the strong survive and we don't have to worry about what their babies will look like because all the survivors will obviously have adorable babies. Ziplines for all.
I just bought a used Volvo S40, but now I want to sell it and travel everywhere I go by zipline.
Also, can you really talk about your vagina too much? I talk about my penis like it's my best friend.
And, sadly, it is.
And I watch "Antiques Roadshow."
Oh, God– just put me in a goddamn sack already and hope it plunges into some drug-infested Columbian river.
1. I also live next to a school, and they recess from 9 am- 5 pm every day. I don't think they learn anything. And it makes me fell SO good to know someone else gets this!
2. How did you even discover the zipline school in Colombia?
3. THAT FACEBOOK BABY HAS BEEN HAUNTING ME FOR WEEKS! Also glad someone else took note.
Ha, stalkbook. Way better than myface or spacebook.
I'm pretty sure I'd miss a lot of school if I had to ZIPLINE to get there.
Have you ever seen the baby with the glowing blue eyes?! IT IS SO CREEPY! Kind of reminds me of Children of the Corn. No babies.
Ha. You always bring out the lols at work. Thanks love.
Facebook keeps asking me if I want to find my gay lover…and I'm listed as male and straight. Maybe it takes the fact that I'm listed as single to mean that I'm not quite sure about women. Facebook would…
Hmmm, interesting. Facebook keeps asking me if I want ferrets. No lie. I did have ferrets, once. All of a sudden I'm confused what it's REALLY asking. Either way (bizarre kinky euphemism or real ferrets) I don't want any. Don't see a setting for species: Human, non-Furry.
"little brother" is what they are calling a kilo of cocaine now. "school" is what Colombians call the airport.
interesting!
I used to set up my lego men to have zip lines to go from the couch to the coffee table. that totally counts.
LOL, very much enjoyed your dialogue with ‘stalkbook’ about the babies ad!