In the past week I’ve done so many Real Adult things that I’m not entirely sure I recognize myself anymore.
First, I bought skincare products. Like actual super high quality spendy face stuff to replace whatever I was using from the drug store that made it so my skin couldn’t decide if it was oily or dry or normal or iguana.
Second, I bought a bed. As in, I’m no longer sleeping on an air mattress on the floor. I have a box spring and a mattress and a pillowtop thing that goes on top of the mattress and sheets and a duvet and a duvet cover and pillows and and and THIS THE BEST DAY!
If you know me, you know how big of deal this is since I’ve spent the past two years sleeping on an air mattress. (I know right?!?)
It wasn’t like I planned it. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and was all, “You know what would be the best of the best? If I spent the next two years sleeping on the fucking floor.” No. This, like most other eyebrow-raising things in my life, just sort of happened.
I first bought the air mattress in June of 2008, when the woman I was renting a room from called to tell me that in fact, she wasn’t allowed to rent the room to begin with and that if I wasn’t out by the next afternoon, her and her children would be evicted. I didn’t have anywhere to go, so I went with the only thing I could think of at the time: buying an air mattress and sleeping on the floor of my office.
This was back when I ran a children’s summer day camp, and apparently being homeless and sleeping in one’s office isn’t exactly smiled upon when you’re in charge of young children. So I went from my office to a friend’s house, and then from the friend’s house to my own small apartment, but even as I settled into my new place I knew I wouldn’t be staying long enough to invest in furniture, especially since the place was mostly furnished already.
So I slept on the floor and told everyone who asked that it was “fine!” and “fun!” and “sort of like a continual slumber party!” Which, for the record, was a big fat horse vagina lie. Not fine. Not fun. Not anything like a slumber party. I mean, imagine having all of your sex on an air mattress on the floor.
Exactly.
I left that apartment at the same time I left that job, and I took off from Southern California to my parents’ apartment in Arizona, and then from there to floors and couches all over the country during my three months of girl gone nomad-ing last fall. The tail end of the traveling brought me to San Francisco (air mattress in tow), and 8 months later here I am, splitting a one-bedroom apartment with Jamie, living behind two folding screens in the living room, but finally the owner of an actual bought-it-from-IKEA bed.
Finally. Fuck.
And on one hand, I’m all, “Yay! I win! Life’s too short to sleep on the floor!” but on the other hand I’m like, “Gah! Too many Real Adult things at once! Who am I! Whiplash!”
But then I look out my “bedroom” window and see the ball pit on the patio and remind myself that a) I still have a very long way to go before reaching full blown Real-Adult-ness and 2) Tequila solves everything.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, san francisco, the nicole & jamie show
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
SO HAPPY FOR YOU, Adult Nicole You.
Awesome. GO ADULT NICOLE.
(though to be honest my first thought when you said “air mattress on the floor” was PERMANENT SLUMBER PARTY WOO. And then I thought about the sex. Damn.)
based on similar experiences and also being a number of years ahead of you, i think its safe to say that you are not at risk of ever being fully immersed in the somewhat heinous, though oddly alluring world of real live adult-ness. its a slippery slope, however, proceed with caution.
Which skin care products did you buy exactly? The website looks adorable.
Congrats on the new bed! As for adulthood and realization one might of slipped into it; my epiphany was when I woke up several Saturday mornings in a row not hungover. Oh and being too tired to party two nights in a row or if I did manage to put two nights in? It took two weeks to recover.
It’s bullshit.
I wish I had a ball pit.
Tequila does solve everything. I imagine that philosophy has a lot to do with how you managed to spend two years regularly sleeping on an air mattress.
Beds are overrated. What if we all just slept on lettuce? Sweet sweet lettuce.
I just bought spendy face stuff today! Acting like it was totally normal to spend $35 on a bottle of facewash was a real stretch for me. I hope flexing my credit card sends a message to my face that we’re 27, not 13. That or the PH stuff they talked about is true, chemistry is hard to believe in.
Pumpkin! I’m proud of you!
Also, you’ll never be all boring adult grown up. It just won’t happen. Thank God.
Congratulations! I just bought my first air mattress. After one year on a loveseat, two years on a cheap futon, and a year of a children’s twin mattress on the floor. My grown up dreams are a long time coming… What big growed up things do you have coming next?!
You should contact Guinness to see if that is the longest lasting air mattress ever. It should have gotten a hole a long time ago and forced you into adulthood. It’s like God’s way of saying He doesn’t want you to grow up by allowing your air mattress to survive so long.
Then contact the other Guinness and see if they will send you free beer if you write about it.
Beware of IKEA beds. My sister and her husband “broke” theirs doing god knows what!? So, consider yourself, and whatever kind of sexual gymnastics you’re into, warned.
Congratulations! Now go forth and start collecting bodily fluids in the fibers of your foxy new mattress. (At least you can hose down a ball pit.)
I agree with Aaron. I have NEVER had an air mattress last longer than a few months.
Perhaps that is due to the 2 rapidly growing monkey’s constantly jumping on it – or O.M.G. sex with The Man.
Yeah. You are right. Definitely the monkeys.
Aww, they grow up so fast. You raise ‘em the best you can, and then you have to just trust, and let them go. So happy for you! Both because you are a grown up, and because you still no how to have a rip-roarin’ good time! I’m STILL thinking about what crazy balls-in-a-blow-up-pool stuff I can do for myself for the most fun time ever! I’m still thinking about that because of you. Thank you! BALLS!
Real Adult Things are overrated. Beds, on the other hand, are NOT. But I’ll miss your air mattress. I did once take an Epic Nap on that thing.
Nice job on the bed! So excited for you. It’s like sleeping on a cloud, big fan.
Growing up can be really cool sometimes.
Nice! Now, I’m having the opposite problem. I want to leave my structured little apartment/family life for a real life adventure.
I am in awe of you sleeping two full years on an air mattress. I slept on one for two months (it kept deflating, so I’m not sure that this fully counts) and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made. So, congratulations on your real adult bed! I hope you celebrated in your ball pit( so jealous of that)!
“big fat horse vagina lie” = HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Love it
You know, I’ve been on an air mattress for about the same length of time as you and though I never had trouble having sex on the air mattress, the money I’ve spent on those bastards was about the same amount of money I could’ve used to buy an actual bed, but no. I’ve now resorted to getting my sex on at hotels since I moved back in with my mom. Congrats on the bed and the pricey face wash. You’re all grown up. Now, pray for me. I shall get my real bed later this month (September, not August).
Awsome! I think you’re a hero! i usually only sleep on an air mattress when i have to and i mean HAVE TO (with screaming and hitting my head to the wall) cause no way that i can stand out more than two nights in a row on that thing!! XD
Listen, anyone who can use “imagine ALL OF YOUR SEX” in a sentence with a straight face and not a hint of sarcasm noting that “all of your sex” actually means “that one time I did it in the past four years and I may or may not have done it with the peanut butter jar” has nothing to complain about.
How much do you want for the mattress?
Congrats on the bed – that means you’re a) making enough money to buy a bed (those things are EXPENSIVE) and b) have found a home that you want to stay in long enough to buy a bed!!
I will celebrate the day I buy a blender. Because a blender means I’m going to stay somewhere for a while and not worry about fitting all my possessions in a car…
“I mean, imagine having all of your sex on an air mattress on the floor.”
Hahahahahahahaha. OK. Having not ever done this, the imagings in my head are hysterical. And I fear, the first time I actually have to experience this will ALSO result in hysterical giggling by yours truly, which means the sex will stop PROMPTLY.
Anyway. Go you and Ikea bed.
And tequila does solve everything. Tequila and his cousin vodka.
Now you can have all your sex on a bed behind a screen partition in the living room!
Wait! That doesn’t sound appealing!
Also, I’d be in the other room and could probably hear everything!
Please disregard this comment!
ALSO, TOO MUCH COFFEE!
IKEA only equals kinda-sorta-adult. I figure if you have to put it together like a damn Lincoln Log set (or Lego’s for people who aren’t totally ancient), it doesn’t count as adult furniture. I’m TOTALLY happy that you’re no longer doing the horizontal mambo on a rubber pillow (it kept me awake at nights, seriously), but you can also rest easy knowing the IKEA furniture does not mean that you’re old, drying up, or going to start throwing balls from your porch at kids walking on your lawn.
We are moving in opposite directions. I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress for the past month or so and its really not that bad. I have one, maybe two more moves to go then I’ll definitely buy another bed.
Nicole,
As always, your blog has made me laugh until my sides hurt. I want to be your (male) protege. And whatever that entails.
@avehlies
Go Adult Nicole!
(Love from Still-Fucking-Teenaged Nicole)
When I first read the ball pit part I thought your neighbors had kids and you meant that not having kids was why you were still far from being an adult. I was going to warn you that Tequila may solve many things but it can CAUSE little ball pit occupants called kids if you’re not careful.
Also, you’ve resorted to blogging about HORSE vaginas now? Man, this economy really HAS hit everywhere.
Congrats on a real live, grown-upish bed!
Wow. You’re growing up right before our eyes. *sniffle* I’m so proud.
I mean, imagine having all of your sex on an air mattress on the floor.
…I can’t believe the darn thing made it through two years…
It must be infused with kryptonite. Or some crap. Because doin’ the sexy sexy time on what may as well be a poorly manufactured inner tube is bound to leave a hole or two. How many patches?
It was a huge step when we got our mattress. It’s from Keetsa, totally amazing.
You have a ball pit on your patio!?