About a week before the end of last year, I canceled my gym membership. The guy at the front desk couldn’t understand why someone would cancel a gym membership on the cusp of new year’s resolution time, but there I was. Totally incredulous, he asked me my reason for canceling, and I gave him the honest answer.
“Because,” I said, “I live a 3 minute walk from this gym and I never, ever come. Not coming makes me feel absurdly guilty, and really, I just don’t have any room in my day for unnecessary guilt.”
A few signatures later, and bam! I was no longer a member of the gym.
After canceling that membership, I spent a lot of time thinking about what makes a happy life a happy life, and the biggest conclusion I reached is that in order for it to be a happy life, it has to be your life. For me, that means letting it be okay that I fucking hate the gym. It also means recognizing that other people love the gym, and that that’s okay too. What’s not okay is the overwhelming pressure to live someone else’s best life. Where the hell does that come from? When did we decide that it was okay to beat ourselves up over all the things we’re not doing, when we don’t even want to be doing most of those things in the first place?
I’m not quite sure when it happened, but at some point along the way I stopped asking myself what I wanted and started filling in the blanks with things that other people wanted. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize that, actually, I don’t care at all about finding the next big band, or eating only organic foods, or watching the news every day. Those just aren’t things that make me happy. And that’s okay.
You know what does make me happy? Organizing all of the little things that form the bigger picture, which is one of the reasons I love my role at Shatterboxx, because it involves so much planning and meticulous organizing.
And bringing people together makes me happy, which is why I started Bloggers in Sin City, to bring online relationships offline (spoiler alert: registration for the 2011 meetup starts next Monday!)
You know what else makes me happy? Talking about things that are taboo but shouldn’t be, which is a driving force behind this blog and its forays into vagina stuff and mental health and panic-y self exploration.
Oh, and food. Food makes me belligerently ecstatic, which is why I just started writing and putting together a cookbook of my favorite recipes with the big goal of getting it finished by year’s end.
Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “I hate organizing things, attending blogging events is terrifying, sex is meant to be private, and food isn’t something to get so worked up about,” and guess what? That’s okay. What makes me feel good certainly doesn’t have to make you feel good; happiness is an individual pursuit. Just do me a favor: figure out what does make you happy and go fucking do it already.
Posted in: hey look, i have feelings!, quarter life crisis
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
that sounds like a pretty awesome life happiness philosophy. i can relate.
also, weird question: is it lame/odd/awkward for all parties when bloggers come to bisc despite not having a very popular blog/twitter? please be honest…
Not at ALL. The point of the event is to leave knowing so many more people than you knew when you arrived. Some of my closest friends are people whose blogs/tweets I never read prior to the first BiSC event, and I never would have found them if they didn’t come!
I think the only thing out of all those I’m not into is the food thing. I’m a great cook, but not a foodie…but I do love people who are foodies. You know what I really love (other than sex & my vagina)? Baking. Baking is awesome, I love baked goods & making them.
I’m glad you’re you & following things that make you happy & free. That’s how I want you to be all the time.
You are the most freaking awesome chick I have ever heard of. Seriously. At 33 I am just learning to live by my own rules.
But food IS something to get worked up about. IT IS. Anyone who disagrees is WRONG. I’M JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE. YELLING. MORE YELLING.
You have such a wonderful way of stringing two words together that really shouldn’t go together. I’m stealing “belligerently ecstatic” if you don’t mind. Especially when talking about food.
Favorite post EVER
I agree with Jess.
Best fucking post I ever read, ever. On any blog, anywhere, ever ever ever. My god jesus christ in fucking heaven if people would only just DO THIS and BE OKAY with it, life would be awesome for EVERYONE (and not just for me)! Actually, my life gets better just thinking that it’s possible for *everyone* to pursue a happy life.
DO IT – and fucking LOVE IT people!
(congrats Nicole! wonderful self-discovery.)
I just wanted to come back and drop this link at your post here, it runs along the lines you’ve expressed above. It’s mostly geared toward women, but if guys wanna try to understand “those” kinds of women, they can read it too.
http://deardominik.typepad.com/dear_dominik/2011/02/pretty.html
You did that thing where you write a blog post completely describing my life and the lesson I need to learn right now – AGAIN! As always, thanks for reminding me.
Also, if you ever want to “retire” from Shatterboxx, I ADORE ORGANIZING MINUTE DETAILS so please let me know so I can apply to fill your (lovely) shoes.
This post could not have come at a better time in my life. Also, I love travelling and I, too, am a “non-popular, unfamous” blogger but I’ve never been to Vegas…hmmm…
Good for you!!!
I gave up my gym membership because like you, I NEVER go. Maybe if it was a quick walk, but I doubt it. It’s just not my thing.
I’m super stoked about Vegas. I read about it last year and was sad that I hadn’t heard about it until much too late.
Your blog post is so spot on and I enjoyed all your points.
The Bloggers in Sin City website is cool. I plan to check in on
your blog to read what’s up.
I used to hate the goddamn gym. And then I started going 5 – 6 days a week. Now it’s only mildly annoying. But I’m still not one of those people who has an orgasm around exercising.
I’m not sure I ever will be.
All of those things are awesome. Provided you don’t try and pull a trifecta and put them together like George Costanza.
One of the biggest trends in self-discovery, which isn’t a
trend because it never ends (it just acts like a trend because it
dresses up in different clothes and goes out on the town every few
years), is the idea that there are short cuts to realizing
yourself. A formula to ‘finding oneself’ that’s built on the
experience of others or the ideas of an author or the sentiment of
Kabbala or Yoga or Starbucks. It’s as simple as you’ve put it;
connecting the happy with the person you see in the mirror.
Unsubscribing from the rhetoric that says a gym membership or
budget or four-hour workweek will MAKE YOU HAPPY. That just isn’t
it. You’re your own unique unicorn and listening to yourself is a
lot harder than listening to all the stuff people want you to hear;
starting now is the only way to really get to a point at which you
can hear what your soul is saying. Random thoughts, but saying
‘Nicole you write like a ninja’ over and over is kinda
lamesauce.
Obviously I will be first in line to buy that cookbook.
In fact, feel free to send any of those recipes my way ahead of time for advanced testing. It’s no trouble at all.
And FINALLY someone puts it down eloquently. I was called selfish the other day by my co worker because I live my life the way I want to and I said yep and I am a belligerently happy selfish person.
You better be selling that cook book because I want a copy!
that has to be the best post i have read in a very long time. Thank you for putting the happiness back in my court!
This is SO aligned with how I’ve been feeling lately. Power
to you for quitting the gym and feeling alive about making a
cookbook. Super inspiring.
Eric and I have been talking about BiSC 2011 for weeks. It
is definitely two weeks after we get married. I think we’re going
to try and make it honeymoon part 2. CAN’T. WAIT.
You know how I feel about this. And YOU. Smooches.
Ahh Nicole, I feel ya on this one. Last year I had an
Earth-shattering diagnosis and everything in my life had to change.
I was bound to learn what exactly made Sarah happy. So I broke up
with my shitty boyfriend and started doing me. Sadly, I too was
living for someone else and the things I previously wanted were
really what they wanted. Now I’m much happier, and I look forward
to all the wonderful things to come. PS. A cookbook is a lovely
idea. I’ll even ship you some of my yummy sugar cookies as
inspiration!
I don’t even know what to say, Nicole.
I need this. I mean I NEED this, in my life, pounded into my head, every day. Hell, every MINUTE. I need someone following me around, asking “What about YOU?” after every decision I make.
I love this post, but I wish I could say it makes me happy. Instead it just makes me devastatingly sad, because this is me. WHAT ABOUT ME.
Kaci, consider this your notice:
We are now following you around every minute of every day repeating these questions in your head: “What about you? What would you prefer?”
Because you have every right to explore what makes you tick, and no one has the right to stop you.
We will continue this practice until our services are no longer needed. Free of charge.
Peace
You are a freakin’ genius.
Girl, after the day I’ve had, I really needed to read something like this. Lately I’ve been one big ball of anxiety and panic and this really helped put things in perspective for me. F*ck what everyone else wants, it’s about what I want. Love you bigtime.
Nicole, you have perfect timing. I’m leaving Chicago this weekend (a decidedly popular and lovely place to live) and moving to Michigan. Why? Because it feels right, I suppose – and because I’ve finally decided that I value family, nature and the ability to save more money for travel just a little more than I value life in the city at this point. And yet I’m facing a fair amount of judgement about my decision to leave, because I’m *expected* to want Chicago over Michigan. To each her own, I suppose.
Nicole, I love you. I absolutely love you.
You do what you do the best. Seriously, keep doing it.
I think the trick is figuring out what actually does make you happy… Sometimes I think that is the hardest question…
Way to rock this out Miss Nicole! This is something that I think is an intricate part of the QLC or whatever people want to call it. I too have spent a good part of my life post-high school filling in the blanks of my life with what other people thought should be there.
After a string of bad relationships, I purposely took time off from dating to figure out what I wanted. Then BAM, met (and eventually married) the best person for me. So, why wasn’t I doing this with the rest of my life?
Well now…I am. And I thank you for encouraging all of us to go out there and do just that.
I shall print this off as a reminder to myself. Perhaps its even more embarassing for me as I do believe I’m nearly ten years older than you…Love the post. In case that wasn’t obvious.
good for you! I’m planning on taking a ceramics class and learning to throw on the wheel and creating bowls and stuff because that- makes ME happy. After a year of the shit show that was me dating this guy- I finally can breathe and be me again.
Good for you finding some happy
Nailed that one.
Thank you for saying what needs to be said.
This is SOOOO true! We all get so wrapped up in what we think we should be doing that we start to think these things are what we actually want. We’re constantly comparing our lives to others and assuming that because we’re not doing the same things as them that there is something wrong with us or we’re being lazy and not making priorities or something. STUPID!! Something that you do doesn’t even need to be inherently useful or soul-enhancing – if you wanna do it, just fucking do it. That’s enough of a reason right there!! Here here, Nicole!
AMEN, Sister! And how lucky you are to be figuring this out at 25! I’m turning 40 this year (gasp, choke!) and I didn’t start living my life for ME until much later.
So, will the cookbook be good for those of us who love food, but aren’t necessarily gourmet cooks???? Please???
I so need a copy of your cookbook when you’re finished!
I don’t even think a day goes by where I don’t yell at myself and say, “STOP WANTING WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.”
Also, ew, I miss you. (fowevewww)
Yeah remember how I raged about this and how I’m alll ” I CANT BE LIKE EVERYONE IN BOULDER! HELP HELP HELP! WHY IS THIS NOT THE SECRET HAPPINESS JUICE I THOUGHT IT WAS?! LALALALA” And then you told me you quit the gym and then I decided to quit a lot of things in my life (and not the ones ‘most’ people would say to quit) and I decided to embrace it all and put the happiness wheels into motion? yeah that was awesome. I love you.
My favourite blog post of yours ever.
Nicole, you just inspired me to be publicly honest about weird shit so this_is_all_your_fault:
I like dating a military guy who lives 5000 miles away. He kisses me on the forehead and makes me feel like the prettiest woman alive so it’s totally worth it. Also, shut up about fucking advertising already, other people have made it as feature film directors so where do you get the cheek to tell me I can’t? Also, I like crying and talking shit to death because when you talk about it it’s not as scary. Also, I really like having sex just after I cried because it feels all emotional and shit. I also like being neurotic about only eating good food because that’s how my momma raised me and I don’t see what’s so reproachable about health. Also, I like loving on people and kissing and hugging and Iloveyouing because, dude, it just feels nice.
Nicole, you have created a monster.
this here was awesome Ivy! say more shit like that. it’s inspiring.
Rock on!
I love this post. A lot. I know we kind of talked over the summer when you were here about the people with “pretty” lives and I’ve realized that life isn’t always going to be pretty. And it’s going to have it’s rough patches and it’s fine if I’m not a pretty life person.
My life is messy and sassy and all kinds of up in the air, but the best part about it is that it’s mine and if other people don’t like it, then they can fuck off. I don’t even know if that makes sense because I’m delirious from lack of sleep and my messy life, but I miss you a lot. So there’s that.
Also, please share your famous mac and cheese recipe with me.
One of my dearest friends once said “The hardest thing in life is realizing that you only know what is best for yourself.” It may sound selfish to focus on one’s own happiness, but dammit, that’s the only thing I have control over in this world. Taking the next step to actually doing said things that make you happy is a HUGE one.
Also, I have a ridiculously good butternut squash mac & cheese recipe that will blow your mind, give you that mac & cheese goodness, but with WAY less of the guilt that eating straight up M&C. Especially since you don’t have a gym membership now.
And also #2, I am totally blogging again, so I can sign up for Bloggers in Vegas. Mwaaaa ha ha ha.
I just wrote “Happiness is an individual pursuit” on a sticky and stuck it next to my other quotes. You’re next to a Buddhist proverb, so I’m pretty sure that means you win.
“happiness is an individual pursuit”
yes yes YES.
iiii like this a lot. and agree. and am so excited to move to san francisco in a week ! and i never replied to you earlier but i would love to get together once i am there for tea !
I seriously love/agree fully with this post.
Oh, Nicole! I love that you canceled your gym membership. I really like the gym, but it’s such a stupid thing to spend money on and make yourself feel guilty over if you don’t go because you hate it. I love that you’ve flung the guilt over the balcony and are focusing on things that make you happy. I hope 2011 is a spectacular year for you.
This has been a reoccurring theme in my life these days – staying true to me. Even in the moments where I think I am, I find myself attempting to make decisions based upon what other people think or want. It never feels right, because it isn’t.
Cheers to us and ours! May we live joyously in what we are called to do, have and be.
This post shows exactly why you are so endearing to pretty much everyone. You live your life authentically, you encourage everyone else to live theirs authentically. You embrace individuality, quirks, bravery.
I love this: “When did we decide that it was okay to beat ourselves up over all the things were not doing, when we dont even want to be doing most of those things in the first place?”
Whenever I’m upset about something or where I am in life, I always ask myself, “What advice would you give a friend if they came to you with the same problem you’re having right now?” It’s amazing how often I stray so far from following any advice I would give someone I care about. It’s time to start caring about me, I think.
Also? I love you. You are the best.
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