Of course I’m still interning for The Bloggess. No way she’ll ever be able to get rid of me now.
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
Subject: new house. dead fetus. correlation between the two.
The thing about Bolivia is that you can buy dried llama fetuses at something called the Witches’ Market in La Paz because apparently burying a dried llama fetus (or “sullus”) under a new house brings good luck. So much good luck that an estimated 99 percent of all families in Bolivia have one under the foundation of their home and construction workers will often refuse to work in a building that doesn’t have one. And I’m thinking it probably works, because when was the last time you heard of something really bad happening to people in their homes in the greater Bolivia area?
Exactly.
Which is why I tried to go online and order you a dead llama fetus, since I know you’re moving soon, but unfortunately it’s not something that’s sold online. Because the internet is prejudice against Bolivia. I even tried to order one on Amazon because Amazon sells basically everything ever, but all they suggested instead was a book about a sacred mountain and a portable ultrasound machine and I don’t know what’s worse: those suggestions, or the fact that they both make sense to me in a strange and totally fucked up way.
So, in lieu of an actual fetus I’ve attached a photo depicting a pile of dead llama fetuses from said Witches’ Market. Please print it out and bury it under your new house. Because you’re very lovely and I’d be quite distressed if bad things happened to you in the night due to a rampant neglect for Bolivian superstition.
Cool. Thanks.
From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern
That’s it. You’ve just been promoted to Sr. Intern.
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
Promotion accepted.
I should probably get a “Nicole The Senior Intern” shirt to eliminate any confusion, huh? And to intimidate zombies. Although I might have to tattoo it on my face to intimidate zombies, since they’re pretty hard to intimidate. But wait, maybe zombies are allergic to dead llama fetuses. Like vampires and garlic. And Superman and kryptonite.
It just occurred to me that one of my first duties as Nicole The Senior Intern should be to create a detailed guide on the products necessary to ward off all terrifying creatures. A sort of “how to survive attacks of the other realm” guide for the regular American. I’m thinking eBook, with all sale profits dedicated toward a trip to the Witches’ Market.
This book will probably also require an addendum about which preserved animal carcasses you can take through airport security and which ones you can’t.
See? Resourceful from cover to cover.
From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern
I think that book would be extremely relevant. Also, maybe put something in there about how you can’t mail dogs. Because apparently you can’t, according to the post office. It doesn’t matter how small the dog is. True story.
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
In no particular order, I’m thinking that the following chapters should definitely be included in our upcoming book:
- how to tell if your neighbor is a zombie
- what to do once you find out for sure that your neighbor is a zombie
- how to house train a phoenix and bottle it’s wound-healing tears for profit
- how to do battle with a minotaur
- things you can’t mail at the post office because the post office hates animals and meth users
- how to have sex with a mermaid
- how to convince a cyclops to tango dance with a gorgon for your viewing pleasure
- how to ride a dragon (also, why dragons would be a much more environmentally friendly mode of transportation than cars. also, a petition to the white house asking for dragons to be allowed in the carpool lane.)
From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern
You just confused “it’s” with “its”. This is exactly the kind of inattention that will lose us an arm during the zombie battle, Nicole. Wake up!
PS. Nice touch with the gorgon.
From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
1. That email was sent pre-caffeine. THE HORROR. BIG NO NO. WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. CAPS LOCK.
II. If we really want to throw the mythical creatures off their game though, I think we should create a new word: its’
c. Additional chapters:
- how to smuggle 16 dead llama fetuses onto an airplane without winding up in jail
- how to capture a fairy
- how to turn a regular horse into a unicorn
Posted in: nicole the intern
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
How does one become the Assistant to the Sr. Intern? Because I’m pretty sure that would be the next best job to The Sr. Intern. I’ll even make you the shirt. And wrap a Llama fetus in it. And NEVER misuse its, it’s, their, they’re, OR there.
Researching porn and dead fetuses *has* become a little tiring. Maybe I should consider having an Intern To The Intern.
HEY! Remember me? BTIONTI? I didn’t go away, I’m just really quiet-like
And remember the best rule EVER:
If you spell ‘definately” with an A, you are definitely an A HOLE.
Clearly we need to re-write all high school grammar books with shit like this.
You had me at “the greater Bolivia area”.
“Hello,” “the greater Bolivia area,” whatever does it for ya.
::sigh:: God you live a charmed life.
::sigh:: I know, I know. It’s *so* challenging sometimes.
I’ve always wondered about that sex with a mermaid thing.
No lie. I’ve really always wondered.
Good thing it’s going to be in the book, huh?
It + is = It’s. And don’t even get me started about “definately”. GAAAHHH.
That said.
Pre-caffeine errors of this sort do happen. Earlier this morning I called my blog friend Julia’s kids her “kinds”.
UGHHH.
This is the argument for a permanent caffeine IV, yes?
I’ve always wondered about the mermaid thing.
Apparently the commenter below can teach us how to bone a mermaid. This is going to be quite the book.
1. I’ve had sex with a mermaid. FACT.
2. Another time I tried to have sex with a mermaid only to learn it was a merman. AWKWARD.
3. Turning a horse into a unicorn is easy. One horse + broomstick + duct tape = unicorn.
Number three? Standing slow clap.
lool, too funny.
also, i googled it once, theres an actual sexual position dedicated to merrmaids. It’s called the mermaid and basically you have to lie down and with your legs up and well you know….
This stuff is serious, their taking over the world of kama sutra!
*goes over to Google to research….*
Boo-yah! Your misuse of “they’re” has cost YOU the assistant to the intern-ship! The field has opened up for ME (cue evil laughter)!
haha you are so funny! love your blog!
sarissweetlife.blogspot.com
Oh thank goodness you are still Jenny’s intern. I hadn’t seen anything of your recent work so I was worried that you might have been laid off or fired.
This exchange has restored my faith in humanity.
In solving the mermaid problem, I suggest consulting the Futurama episodeThe Deep South, where Fry’s final thought on the subject was “Why couldn’t she have been the other type of mermaid? With the fish part on top and the lady parts on the bottom?” as well as the Starbucks logo which features a two-tailed mermaid and an obvious location for the naughty bits.
Sounds like you’re condoning llama abortions to me. I’m not sure if I can get behind that. Metaphorically or literally. Ew.
I just have to add my sister-in-law repeatedly spells ‘really’ like this: realy. Everytime I see it I want to cry and hit her. Simultaneously. We aren’t that close. Because clearly, she’s an idiot. Don’t even get me started on ‘your’ either. Such as “Your so funny”. ARRRGGGHHH.
So what does one DO as The Bloggess’ intern? Besides research Brazilian superstitions for her personal safety and wellfare?
I just moved into an apartment.
FYI: trying to bury a dead llama fetus under your apartment is a great way to NOT GET YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK sonofabitch.
Especially when you don’t live on the first floor.
PS FYI: Make sure your downstairs neighbor is Bolivian or has a great sense of humor prior to attempting said dead llama fetus burial.
I’m down with this dragons-as-cars plans. You should get an appointment with the department of environmental affairs or whatever the hell it’s called. Then you should ask to see its minutes from the last meeting. See what I did there? I used it’s and its.
Where and when can I get a copy of your book? I’m hoping before Novemeber 2010, because I’m scheduled to do battle with a minotaur in February 2011. The day before my birthday. I was hoping to drive a dragon to the battle, but I guess we’ll have to see how fast the gears of government turn.
FYI…I think this guy just threw down the gauntlet: http://blogs.cisco.com/news/comments/i_am_the_worlds_most_interesting_intern/
Oh! Oh!
IT’S ON.
(please note the proper use of “it’s”)
So you can properly use the word ‘it’s’ but have you ever really gotten to see the President of RUSSIA?!!! Ergonomic Desk Chair, biiiitches!!!
So he can jam, and he’s a half decent rapper… And 6′ 7″. But he didn’t make me laugh once.
Nicole, I’d tell him to “BRING IT!”
This whole series of emails is so filled with awesome I think my head might explode. (I’m not entirely sure of the logistics/dynamics/physics that mean reading this = brain splatter, but rest assured it’s a compliment)
I just laughed so hard reading this that my flatmate came to see who was choking me. Thank you.
For all that is good, please create this book now. I’ll pre-order.
Did you know that you can mail baby chickens and crickets? Just asked my Husband, who is a mailman, why you can’t a dog and got a long explanation about how it would die, but was told for some reason you can mail baby poultry and crickets.
I would like very much to purchase this book. I tried to have sex with a mermaid in the post office the other day and it turned out she was a ZOMBIE mermaid. The Postmaster was furious with me. So chalk up yet another government building I can’t set foot on due to a death and/or fish-related blunder.
Norah, that’s ‘Bloggess’s Intern’ – rule, if you say the S, you write the S. And don’t panic about three in a row. The sky won’t fall in, I promise.
Yeah, Intern, great to hear from you again!
If you want to mail a dog, you can send it via Delta airlines. My sister breeds this rare dog breed, and they send them to their new owners via Delta, which has some kind of special program for shipping animals. It’s spendy, but it’s available (not my proper it’s usage). They might also be the carrier to use for llama fetus shipping.
I have a close personal friend who has a farm with llamas and many of them are pregnant. I’m sure he’d consider performing the abortion for a price.
Hahahaha Laurie. I too know someone who has a Llama farm. BAD LLAMA
I used to think Bolivia was in central Europe. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid confused the hell out of me.
You’re doing a great job interning.
Definately.
Damn.
WAIT… if you are now SENIOR intern does that mean there is an opening for a JUNIOR intern?! Because I TOTALLY NEED THAT JOB!!!
They really do the whole llama fetus thing in Bolivia. I thought it was one of those old traditions that no one really believes in any more.
I though you’d be able to bring them back in regular luggage, but it turns out they still count as an ‘animal product’ and will get confiscated during baggage search.
My friend didn’t talk to me for months after that. He really wanted me to bring one back for him.
This post brings up two questions:
1) Still haven’t figured it out. How DO you have sex with a mermaid?
2) If we were to start using Dragon Transportation, what would we do with all of the poop? Also, what about people who have road rage – a dragon in the wrong hands could be serious trouble. Just sayin’.
hey found your website while searching for info on how to preserve a llama fetus – one of my friend’s sons is in Bolivia now and wants to bring it home… I suggested pickling it. But wasn’t really sure if he was yanking my chain. American history classes in my childhood tended to be biased against Bolivia and never bothered to go into the interesting discussions about llama fetuses. I’m sure I would have been more awake in classes if those kinds of interesting tidbits were shared. Instead, it was always some testosterone thing about which general killed which army for whatever greedy reasons…
anyway, so I guess he’s not joking. But your photo kinda enhances the idea that maybe making “beef jerkey” might be a way to go, dehydration and all. He wants to bring it back to his mama when he comes back to the USA later this winter….
thanks ya’lls and good luck with the various interning jobs!
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